forever_lost Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (tl;dr, sorry this went on longer than I anticipated. Apologies.) Hey guys, it's been a while since I've posted here. Long story short, my GF of 2.5 years broke up with me before Thanksgiving (~4.5 months), citing the reason as needing space to be single after committing to LT relationships continuously for 10 years. At first she said we could reconsider at the 6-month period, but that turned into "thinking in the now" and "not knowing the future" and "never wants to be with me ever again". Our last contact was a little over a month ago, when she reached out to me and asked me if I wanted to still be friends the day after I blocked her on FB. We chatted for a bit before I told her that she wasn't ready to be friends (her words: "I don't want to be good friends, just keep in touch"), and asked her to not contact me because it was distracting. She was living with my friends before (my old housing situation), but now has moved out for the time being. She also has been dating, but to my knowledge has had no boyfriend or consistent partner. Looks to me as if the wanting to be single wasn't an excuse or lie. Contrary to what I thought I would be like, I am doing really well. I haven't been seeing anyone because I obviously still have feelings for my ex, and feel like it would be unfair to any new partner if I were to jump in; however, I've been having a good time with friends and really working on enhancing myself to keep up with higher standards. At the end of the day though, I just want to tell her what I did that day - and hear about hers. That's truly been the hardest part, other than waking up some days and having that pit in my heart hoping I haven't been forgotten or replaced. Obviously it's a two-way street, but I just have a feeling that if we were to try again, I would be conscientious of the mistakes that were made the first time around and be more adaptable and communicative. I feel like I have learned so much from this break-up (my first) that if we got a second chance, it would be a much better effort - especially given that we lasted so long with all the problems in the first one. I think I know the answer to this already, but just to ascertain: is there any, ANY reason why I should reach out to her? I don't know if I want her back (because she has treated me truly awfully through this breakup despite "seeing a future with me at one point") but I feel like a good part of me still does. How much of her is confused/wanting to explore more, and how much of her has made up her mind? If I truly do want her back, or at the very least be able to make peace with her as my ex/friend, is my best move continuing NC? 1
realfriends Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 No. Dumpees never reach out. Under any circumstance whatsoever. You fall off the radar of your ex and you heal. What do you think contacting the person who dumped you will do? Magically make them realize how much they want you back and how much a mistake it was? Not going to happen. If that ever does happen, they will have to realize that on their own. 1
smileforelena Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 you know when you change your perception about NC then it is not really NC to heal from the pain caused by the break up. you did say you are in a better place right now and you pretty much know what you want to have in your life at this moment so maybe the NC for healing has changed to NC for moving on. believe me I get it about wanting to share something with someone you were so close to for a long time but at the end of the day what does that really accomplish. maybe if you find another person (a friend) to that with your process will continue to the right direction. i suggest you drop the thought of whether you should contact her or not.
Author forever_lost Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Agreed. Thanks, guys, I needed the kick in the shin. Almost did yesterday, but held out, and woke up today much happier having not done that. Maybe when I'm ready to be an ex and only an ex will I reach out, but until then, due course towards my own life. Cheers.
hoping2heal Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I'm curious about the mistakes you made. I say this because I've had friends wax poetic about all of the mistakes they made and what they would do differently / better, and yeah, sometimes people do some really screwed up and hurtful stuff but most often I just hear people saying normal, human stuff. We all make mistakes and I would be lonely if I only loved a man for being without flaws and never making a mistake. People should get to be loved, regardless of their pitfalls related to being human beings. Otherwise, one would have to be a robot. Robot love
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