MissyRoo Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I broke up with my boyfriend late December. Things just weren't going well and I didn't want to drag him along while I felt the way I did. I cared for him deeply and I still do, but not enough. It was tough on him since we were together for 2 years. He took it very hard. I was would say for a good 1-2 weeks he would really want to sit down with me and talk things over, but I just couldn't do it. I broke his heart. Then... he just stopped. It's like he fell off the face of the planet. It's been nearly 4 months and I would thought to have had of/from him by now. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not hear saying that he should still me wallowing in pain. It's just my curious side speaking. What do you guys think made him "disappear?" Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 He's healing and moving on. It's been 4 months and you thought you would have heard from him by now? You broke his heart!!!! You think 4 months is enough time for him to skip along and come talk to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissyRoo Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 He's healing and moving on. It's been 4 months and you thought you would have heard from him by now? You broke his heart!!!! You think 4 months is enough time for him to skip along and come talk to you? No no no I'm really trying to not come off as shallow as it may seem. if he needs all the time in the world, then so be it. It's just the switch turned off instantly. If anyone is to reach out, it should be me. It's just these 4 months I have NO clue what's going on with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Please, let me ask you something maybe silly: If you happened to meet your ex and he were so positively different that you would have trouble recognizing him, would that make an emotional and romantic impact on you? I am talking about some material success, muscles or fitness, a new learned language, fluid vocabulary, maturity, wisdom (well, the whole enchilada)... Humor me please, I will tell you later why I am asking you this... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 You broke up with him so why do you care what is up with him? Or is it that your ego is bruised because he could disappear from your life so easily? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 No no no I'm really trying to not come off as shallow as it may seem. if he needs all the time in the world, then so be it. It's just the switch turned off instantly. If anyone is to reach out, it should be me. It's just these 4 months I have NO clue what's going on with him. 1) The switch may have turned off instantly because he realized that after 1-2 weeks of trying to make you come his way, he realized that it was to no avail and did the right thing by choosing to shut the door and heal. 2) If have a feeling you are asking because you wonder if he may be involved with someone else and that's why the lack of attention on you? 3) No one should be reaching out. If you believe you want him back and you want a second chance, only then do you reach out. But if I were you, I'd leave him alone because the last thing he has for you is trust. 4) When you chose to end it with him -- you chose to eliminate him from your life. You don't get the priviledge or the right to be a part of his life, know what's going on in his life or have any business in his life. That is what happens after a break-up. People go their separate ways. You should focus on yours and he has to focus on his. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissyRoo Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 Please, let me ask you something maybe silly: If you happened to meet your ex and he were so positively different that you would have trouble recognizing him, would that make an emotional and romantic impact on you? I am talking about some material success, muscles or fitness, a new learned language, fluid vocabulary, maturity, wisdom (well, the whole enchilada)... Humor me please, I will tell you later why I am asking you this... Alright. Well I if I did ever happen run into and he did acquire these new traits, then to be honest I don't know what I'd think. At first I probably would start to doubting my decision. Not necessarily because of the different looks or toys, but he would probably be the guy he was before even meeting me, which was what attracted me to him. .... But then that would mean I just got bored and left. There's my answer to your hypothetical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissyRoo Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 You broke up with him so why do you care what is up with him? Or is it that your ego is bruised because he could disappear from your life so easily? This has nothing to do with ego. All because I BU with him doesn't mean I didn't care about his feelings. I'm still concerned about his well being, is that such a bad thing? Okay yes, breaking up with him relinquishes privilege of me knowing what he's doing. I get that. Geez, it's not like I've been feeding him breadcrumbs for the past 4 months keeping him on the hook. Would you rather want me to do that? I just came here with a question so I could possibly get more perspective on his position because I've never been dumped. No need to attack with and ego comment. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Please don't take bad some comments, sometimes we post without having all the information, something the topic creator does, hence the difference in opinions and criteria... Well, thanks for your answer... as a matter of fact, I intended to use it to confirm or deny a theory of mine, but I will let other fellows to interpret it as they see fit... Welcome to the forum, I hope you can stay... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
forever_lost Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Alright. Well I if I did ever happen run into and he did acquire these new traits, then to be honest I don't know what I'd think. At first I probably would start to doubting my decision. Not necessarily because of the different looks or toys, but he would probably be the guy he was before even meeting me, which was what attracted me to him. .... But then that would mean I just got bored and left. There's my answer to your hypothetical. I found this interesting as a dumpee. It seems like you either a) feel bad about getting bored and leaving or b) see being bored or leaving as a sign that you aren't meant for each other. Are one of those accurate? I'd be interested to understanding why you might feel one of those feelings, assuming you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissyRoo Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 I found this interesting as a dumpee. It seems like you either a) feel bad about getting bored and leaving or b) see being bored or leaving as a sign that you aren't meant for each other. Are one of those accurate? I'd be interested to understanding why you might feel one of those feelings, assuming you do. A. Yeah I do feel bad about leaving due to getting bored. It's sad that something like that swindled down out time together, but it's not fair to him for me to not have my whole heart in the RS at the time. B. I wouldn't say getting bored definite sign of incomparability. It should be be a sign that the two people need to discover something new together IMO. But in my case I felt that it was too far in. I drifted to far out. Link to post Share on other sites
faithfully Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I just came here with a question so I could possibly get more perspective on his position because I've never been dumped. No need to attack with and ego comment. I have never been dumped till now and all i say is wait till you get dumped if you rver get dumped, then you will understand. I completely agree with every comment on here. You live yours and he is obviously doing the same. Link to post Share on other sites
iDrumKing Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 What's up with all the ill willed comments? OP sounds like she would just like perspective on how her dumpee or dumpees in general might be going through after a break up. Link to post Share on other sites
forever_lost Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 A. Yeah I do feel bad about leaving due to getting bored. It's sad that something like that swindled down out time together, but it's not fair to him for me to not have my whole heart in the RS at the time. B. I wouldn't say getting bored definite sign of incomparability. It should be be a sign that the two people need to discover something new together IMO. But in my case I felt that it was too far in. I drifted to far out. Interesting. While I have you, can I follow up with: assuming he comes back as this awesome, super attractive guy that you liked in the first place, and was interested in starting things up again, would you view that as an insecurity on his part, or just an honest effort to rectify some of the things that weren't up to your standards? In other words, can he pull you back in despite his earlier complacency by taking the initiative once you were both broken up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissyRoo Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 What's up with all the ill willed comments? OP sounds like she would just like perspective on how her dumpee or dumpees in general might be going through after a break up. Thank you iDrumKing. Interesting. While I have you, can I follow up with: assuming he comes back as this awesome, super attractive guy that you liked in the first place, and was interested in starting things up again, would you view that as an insecurity on his part, or just an honest effort to rectify some of the things that weren't up to your standards? In other words, can he pull you back in despite his earlier complacency by taking the initiative once you were both broken up? I don't think she should have to live up to any standards but his own. He doesn't have to UP his appearance to become more attractive because I still do find him to be so. If I saw improvement... I'd definitely be tempted no doubt, but I wouldn't take him back. I also would expect for him to not want me back either. Me wanting him back after improvements would only scream hey "I only like you if your this this and this." That's not the type of person I am. Link to post Share on other sites
forever_lost Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Thank you iDrumKing. I don't think she should have to live up to any standards but his own. He doesn't have to UP his appearance to become more attractive because I still do find him to be so. If I saw improvement... I'd definitely be tempted no doubt, but I wouldn't take him back. I also would expect for him to not want me back either. Me wanting him back after improvements would only scream hey "I only like you if your this this and this." That's not the type of person I am. Not to belabor the point, but I do find that odd. I guess I mean improvements in like how he would entertain you rather than physical improvements, i.e. keeping you on your toes for what's next - a particularly different dynamic from what got you bored. I also don't think that your latter point is necessarily correct; I find it perfectly reasonable to not want to be a relationship given one dynamic simply because it doesn't work in those circumstances. Youth and immaturity melt away if you let them, methinks. I don't know. Obv this is all hypothetical, and obv I come from a particular bias/hope for wanting things to be better. It just seems to me that if the foundation of attraction and care is there, a second shot might just be the best thing to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Thank you MissyRoo for helping some of us to understand a little better our respective break ups, don't feel like we are dissecting you! As I see it, it is not a matter of shaping up ourselves after the bu (although it's advised) so we can reconquest our exes, because if they don't want us, nothing in the world will make them change their mind... Neither it is a matter of neglecting ourselves because, if in the end the ex will never come back, our happiness never should depend on anyone else... So, let's improve ourselves because in the end is for our own good... Let's get physical! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Do you plan on reaching out to him Missyroo? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissyRoo Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 Not to belabor the point, but I do find that odd. I guess I mean improvements in like how he would entertain you rather than physical improvements, i.e. keeping you on your toes for what's next - a particularly different dynamic from what got you bored. I also don't think that your latter point is necessarily correct; I find it perfectly reasonable to not want to be a relationship given one dynamic simply because it doesn't work in those circumstances. Youth and immaturity melt away if you let them, methinks. I don't know. Obv this is all hypothetical, and obv I come from a particular bias/hope for wanting things to be better. It just seems to me that if the foundation of attraction and care is there, a second shot might just be the best thing to try. I understand where you're coming from. At the moment, things will stay as they are. Maybe down the line... I just hope he's doing well. Thank you MissyRoo for helping some of us to understand a little better our respective break ups, don't feel like we are dissecting you! As I see it, it is not a matter of shaping up ourselves after the bu (although it's advised) so we can reconquest our exes, because if they don't want us, nothing in the world will make them change their mind... Neither it is a matter of neglecting ourselves because, if in the end the ex will never come back, our happiness never should depend on anyone else... So, let's improve ourselves because in the end is for our own good... Let's get physical! Remember this is how I am. This should foreshadow what all dumpers think if the dumpee makes major improvements. Like I said in your question to me if I were to see him again with the major improvements, I might have taken him back. Do you plan on reaching out to him Missyroo? I'd like too. But probably not anytime soon. Do I believe in reconciliation... yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 forever_lost if the foundation of attraction and care is there, a second shot might just be the best thing to try. What if you as a dumper showed later all pumped up, and there was some interest from your ex, would you ever wonder if it is just because the paraphernalia or because you needed a little improvement or because you are a new man? Heck, you could even judge your ex as shallow because she would be liking someone that deep inside is not the real you... Hope this can be understood, ha ha... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Let him go. You're bored and that is why you're thinking about him. Dr. Phil says bored people are boring. So go do something that makes you more interesting. Personally I think you're focusing on him to avoid doing something that you should be doing for you. So you're thinking about him out of convenience. Anyway I'm not trying to be mean by being blunt. That's just how I roll but it does not mean that I'm not trying to be helpful. Maybe it's my signature that is off putting?... Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 My suggestion, MissyRoo is to leave him alone. Don't contact him. If you're truly concerned about how he may be doing, don't contact him to open up any wounds. Sometimes, and I don't know you, the dumper contacts the dumpee to boost their own ego or to reopen a wound that is trying to heal. Hopefully your ex is healing and by going NC, he is doing it the healthy way. Do you have acquaintances or friends you can ask w/o directly contacting him? I say leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Well hold on now... If you are 100% sure without a doubt you would like to try, I would tell you to contact him. If it is just to see how he is doing, friends, the inquiring mind... NO. Do not contact him if it is anything other than reconciling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 He disappeared because you broke up with him. If you want to try to get back together, contact him. If not, leave him alone. Simple as that. He's not your friend..he's your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
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