shaninja Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years. We live together in his house that he bought last year. I found out last year that he had been lying to me constantly since the onset of our relationship. I found out he is bisexual and had been on adult websites talking to men and looking to hook up with them. Initially he told me that he talked to one person just once and sent a naked picture and he was just curious and that was that. Months later I discovered that he had been lying about that too as he was on multiple websites, had had encounters with men in the past before our relationship and talked to more than 50 people on multiple websites also including women. That was a huge blow to our relationship but he said he would change and stop lying. Well, a year later the lying hasn't stopped and everything about our relationship has gotten worse. I do not think he is still talking to people online but he lies about other things now. He doesn't take responsibility for anything...our front door broke recently and he decided to duck tape it back together but it ended up blowing open from the wind and rain while he was out working in the night-time. He often leaves the oven or stove on when he's done with it and I can't rely on him to do anything because he usually forgets. Anytime I ask him about who he's talking to and why, he tells me I'm paranoid and over-reacting. He demeans me by telling me my emotions are silly or I just need a cigarette. He always slams doors when he's angry and I always end up crying. He can't say no to his friends and never does even at the expense of me. (ex. answering the phone during a nice dinner together, talking to his friends every day all day, always inviting people over even when I have a mountain of schoolwork) He has threatened to kill me once, called me a slob, a leech and a crack whore. I don't know how to leave this relationship because as a university student, I have no way to support myself. I am on assisted living from being a student, and I have two cats. My mother recently gave me a car but I won't be able to afford the insurance once out on my own. I currently owe 1400$ to my university for spring/summer courses and I won't be able to pay that if I leave. I am severely depressed and I've failed some courses and dropped many others since we started dating. I'm supposed to be in my third year of university but I haven't even completed a year's worth of classes yet. Nobody knows. They all think I'm doing really well because I lie because I am ashamed of myself for failing in life. Its really hard to get to class sometimes because I'm too busy bawling my eyes out in the morning. I don't know how to get help at this point. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because he's not out as a bisexual. I'm worried about finding the means to take my cats with me and somehow support myself. I can't get a job because I go to school full-time year round, handling up to six courses at a time because of the double major I'm doing in engineering and math. Please help me, there must be some way that I'm not seeing.
Chocolat Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Get a job and move out. You can work while going to school. Or perhaps you should take a year off from school, get a job, and then go back when you are ready. Three years of school resulting in less than a year's worth of credits earned is a huge waste of time and money. Do you have health insurance? Counseling would help you. 2
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 1. Call your family and friends and tell them right now what's going on! Have someone there to help you move out! 2. Forget about school right now. You need to focus on getting out and mentally healthy again. School can wait, right? 3. Of course he's still looking at the sites for others, etc. He hasn't stopped that. 4. With the name calling threats, you NEED TO GET OUT NOW. 5. Do you have scholarships or financial aid? If not, get out NOW. If so, you need to contact the school and institutions about taking a semester/trimester break until you have things under control. 3
Author shaninja Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Thank you for your advice so far. I cannot take a break from school, its out of the question. My mother receives disability insurance payments from having bladder cancer, among other things, and because I am in university, I get a decent sum each month. That extra money is used to pay my loans and afford basic living since being on assistance alone is pretty much a death sentence. I'm also 24 years old, and I really want to get my career on track before I'm 30. The hard thing about leaving is actually planning it... I can't go to my mother's with two cats...when I had just one she had said I could stay there for a month tops. I can't give them away either as they have health problems and our local SPCA doesn't accept any more cats. They are my babies and I can't abandon them. I'm scared of looking like a failure... my sister who is three years younger than me is heading to graduate school next year to become a veterinarian. My cousin has her Ph.D and my other cousin is top of his nursing class. My mother will also look down on me, though not intentionally, for putting up with this for so long.
pteromom Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Thank you for your advice so far. I cannot take a break from school, its out of the question. My mother receives disability insurance payments from having bladder cancer, among other things, and because I am in university, I get a decent sum each month. That extra money is used to pay my loans and afford basic living since being on assistance alone is pretty much a death sentence. Can you reduce the number of classes you are taking? You have to quit saying CAN'T and do what you need to do to get out of this situation. I'm also 24 years old, and I really want to get my career on track before I'm 30. These are just numbers. If you can get your career on track, great. If not, it will get there eventually. The most important thing is that you are able to find some happiness and peace. The hard thing about leaving is actually planning it... I can't go to my mother's with two cats...when I had just one she had said I could stay there for a month tops. I can't give them away either as they have health problems and our local SPCA doesn't accept any more cats. They are my babies and I can't abandon them. What about looking for a room to rent? Someone who has cats, who just has a room you can stay in? Usually you can find situations like that on Craigslist. You may even be able to find a situation where you can rent a room in exchange for housekeeping or childcare. I'm scared of looking like a failure... my sister who is three years younger than me is heading to graduate school next year to become a veterinarian. My cousin has her Ph.D and my other cousin is top of his nursing class. My mother will also look down on me, though not intentionally, for putting up with this for so long. All of this doesn't matter. What other people think doesn't matter. If your mother looks down on you, that says more about her than it does about you. You are doing the best you can, and getting out will take a lot of courage. You should feel proud of yourself for that. Only you know what your life has been like. You need to consider EVERY option, based on what is best for YOU. Not based on what your mother thinks. Not based on some timeline in your head. Not based on your boyfriend (such as not being able to talk to someone because he isn't "out"... don't put yourself in more pain to protect HIM. He certainly doesn't put your feelings first!) I get wanting to protect your cats. I am the same way... it would be a priority to me too. But you can find a solution. I know you can. Consider everything! 2
Phantom888 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 You have a whole life ahead of you. You need to get out of this abusive relationship. Move out while he is at work, and NO CONTACT!!! He will try to track you down. He may want to kill you. This man is toxic in your life, so be sure you notify the police about his potentials. Get a restraining order, which is easy to get. Get out of that house and start over!!
ChatroomHero Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Here is the problem I see... You can take a break from school. You can give away your two cats. You can get a job, move out and go to school part time. It won't kill you if your career isn't all sunshine and roses before you are 30. The problem is you don't WANT to sacrifice any of that. The worst thing you can do is stay, anything else is a better option. What you are doing is prioritizing 2 cats and jump-starting a career, over your safety. You are afraid to make the right choices because they are the toughest, but they are still the right choices. 5
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) Does your uni have a student counselling service? Please go along to see them. They can offer you understanding and perhaps link you to support services that can help, maybe with accommodation, grants, that kind thing. Your boyfriend sounds a nightmare, no wonder you are stressed and your work is suffering. Please at least start with the counselling service or, if your uni doesn't have one, ask your doc about local free counselling services. You've got to start somewhere with all this. I am thinking of you. If you want to exchange PMs, please feel free. Just to add that counselling services are supposed to abide by strict confidentiality restrictions so you should be able to talk honestly about your worries. Edited April 7, 2014 by spiderowl
Author shaninja Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Thank you all for your advice. I just e-mailed my counsellor at school, so thanks for the person who mentioned that, I hadn't even thought to go to my university for help. To the person who said I'm not willing to make sacrifices to better my safety: Those cats rely on me to care for them. One has a neurological condition and the other is a rescue cat from my area. For some people, including myself, pets are children. And I have a responsibility to ensure their wellbeing and safety as well as my own. I assumed that responsibility when I adopted them. I am not going to pawn them off on someone else, and there isn't anybody that I personally know that can take them. I will not give them to strangers. This is honestly a nightmare for me. He was the first person I had ever truly loved and I've had several serious relationships. While I am not romantically in love with him anymore, the pain he has caused me has caused my whole life to turn upside down. School is probably the only thing from keeping me from losing my mind completely. I love school and learning so much, its also a good distraction. Although my grades have suffered, I have still enjoyed going and doing as much as I am able to right now. I know if I can just get the hell out of here, then everything will start looking up.
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I think it's great that you take your pets seriously and care for them. You have a very kind heart, which could be why you have put up with your boyfriend so long and maybe given him the benefit of the doubt. You could consider having the cats rehomed. If you knew what kind of home they were going to, it would ease your mind. I really do think you are struggling with too many different things at the moment and need to reduce the stresses if possible. 2
devilish innocent Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Definitely contact people at your school. I work at a university and know there are many people who care about the students. The financial aid office will try to help any way they can if you explain your situation. The school will also counselors trained to help with the psychological aspect of things. I think those would be your best options for support. Good luck.
Eivuwan Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I think you should look into local services such as domestic violence hotlines and so on. Your counselor can help you with that. You may want to consider posting an ad or something to see if there are any local cat lovers who are willing to take your cats in. If the home is not safe for you, it's not safe for the cats. Edit: Also like what everyone else said. Stop worrying about how you'll look to others. It won't matter if you die right? That should be the least of your worries.
veggirl Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I think it's very admirable you are so caring towards your cats and not willing to abandon them. You clearly have a very kind heart. And having something to take care of can actually be a comfort during difficult times as it forces you to keep going and you can see in their actions that they appreciate it. I think having that unconditional love around you is good for you. What do you pay in living expenses with your bf now? Is it possible to find a room for rent for the same amount? Or even similar amount and take on a part-time job? I would make a post on Craigslist or some other site, perhaps there is a housing match program through your school? Are there 2 bedrooms where you live with your bf? Is it even possible to, for the time being, live as roommates and nothing else? I mean to the point of not even communicating? Good luck.
FitChick Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Contact some cat rescue places and ask if they know of anyone willing to foster your cats for a few months until you get back on your feet. You will pay all their expenses for food and litter and any vet bills. You will visit them. If someone knows it's temporary they might be more willing to do it. Some people used to have cats but they died so they don't want to become emotionally invested in another of their own but would look after yours. Like a surrogate mother. Cut back on your class load and get a part time job. 1
ChatroomHero Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 To the person who said I'm not willing to make sacrifices to better my safety: Those cats rely on me to care for them. One has a neurological condition and the other is a rescue cat from my area. For some people, including myself, pets are children. And I have a responsibility to ensure their wellbeing and safety as well as my own. I assumed that responsibility when I adopted them. I am not going to pawn them off on someone else, and there isn't anybody that I personally know that can take them. I will not give them to strangers. I'm sorry but you are once again clearly explaining that you are prioritizing your cats over your own safety. I understand you feel like they are your children, but that does not change the fact that you say you are in fear and in a dangerous situation? Who will take care of your cats if you wind up in the hospital or worse? From what you are saying, because you have two cats that require care you have no option and must endure a dangerous situation. What I am saying is quite frankly, that is BS. I don't find it all that noble that you say you are willing to give your life for 2 cats. I think it is more an excuse to tell yourself why you can't leave so you can avoid changes in your life you don't want to deal with. If your cats were really children, do you think "staying for the children" in a situation where someone has threatened to kill you in the past is the right choice? 5
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 About her cats, This is not BS, this is how she feels, those feelings of attachment and devotion toward her pets are extremely real to her, and telling her what she feels for them is BS is disrespectful and unhelpful. The love for her pets is the only thing that is real to her. OP, You can put an ad up at your school, or contact any animal shelters, they have names of people offering themselves as temporary foster homes. While your animals are there you can be in daily contact with them till you get your animals back.
stillafool Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Get a job and move out. You can work while going to school. Or perhaps you should take a year off from school, get a job, and then go back when you are ready. Three years of school resulting in less than a year's worth of credits earned is a huge waste of time and money. Do you have health insurance? Counseling would help you. Absolutely! Get a job first because you have to provide for yourself. There is no such thing as you can't leave him. Start looking for a job.
soccerrprp Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I will be the first to admit that I don't understand, never will, rationally, the human-like value people place on animals to the point that they regard them higher/greater than human beings or a situation where his/her very life is in jeopardy. OP, you MUST get out of this relationship! That is not negotiable (or it shouldn't be).
ChatroomHero Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 About her cats, This is not BS, this is how she feels, those feelings of attachment and devotion toward her pets are extremely real to her, and telling her what she feels for them is BS is disrespectful and unhelpful. The love for her pets is the only thing that is real to her. I have pets, I understand. What is really disrespectful is advising someone to stay longer in a situation where she claims a man has threatened to kill her, just because of how she values cats. Gaeta, I will be very clear. her life is 4.3 billion times more important than the life of her 2 cats. Anything you try to say will not make that any less true. Any advice to her other than, "priority #1 get out at any cost" is almost criminal. Your argument may result in her death if what she says is true. You have no argument Gaeta, and should not encourage her to stay in such a bad situation. That, my friend, is BS. End of story. 1
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I have pets, I understand. What is really disrespectful is advising someone to stay longer in a situation where she claims a man has threatened to kill her, just because of how she values cats. Gaeta, I will be very clear. her life is 4.3 billion times more important than the life of her 2 cats. Anything you try to say will not make that any less true. Any advice to her other than, "priority #1 get out at any cost" is almost criminal. Your argument may result in her death if what she says is true. You have no argument Gaeta, and should not encourage her to stay in such a bad situation. That, my friend, is BS. End of story. I have NEVER adviced her to stay longer in her situation. What I am saying is trying to convince her to abandon her cats won't work!! because she is not in a state of mind to understand common sense at this time!! If you don't want her to shut down do not diminish what she feels about her pet, help her find solutions!!! YES you guys think it's ridiculous! because you have all your head and you are capable of making a good judgment, not her! If you don't understand what is going on in the mind of an abused woman you may say things that will have her shut down instead of reaching for help. I know I was there! I hide from my ex husband 4 times in a women battered shelter!
Omei Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) I've been in a physically abusive relationship for 5 years in the past I know the ins and outs like the back of my hand, and I can tell you people in relationships with manipulation involved its horrible. I read the original post and then skimmed over your reply's, honest? You're making up every excuse possible to not break through I did this too you want out but you're not willing to do what it takes to get out, wake up, dont wait till your on your death bed to start making sacrifices, he threatened to kill you. I have 3 cats one for over 7 years ones my daughters and one is saved from abuse, I love them to death but if it was between my safety and some pets I would find somewhere for those animals to go. If your dead you won't be taking care of any animals not now or in the future. Ask a family member or put up an ad to arrange a temporary foster home. Im going to tell you this now and listen VERY clearly as someone who woke up in a hospital bed after being beat so bad....NO ONE is coming to save you NO ONE is going to change your life for you IT IS ENTIRELY up to you to want to have a better life for yourself it is up to you to make the changes, not school or pets or belongings have any value compared to your life. I left animals in the past my home my clothes my things my life, for ME and it was worth it. You're trapped by manipulation or your own self brainwashing you CAN just walk out you dont need much take what you can carry no one is stopping you but you and your own thoughts. Something has to click I stayed with my old cat in my abusive relationship too I didnt want to give up anything, I didnt leave till I got pregnant it was the only moment I found something I needed to save more than my personal worry's. If you care so much about your cats...save them dont let them be there that could be your reason to leave to save them get them out, with you. Edited April 9, 2014 by Omei 1
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I don't know how to get help at this point. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because he's not out as a bisexual. I'm worried about finding the means to take my cats with me and somehow support myself. I can't get a job because I go to school full-time year round, handling up to six courses at a time because of the double major I'm doing in engineering and math. Please help me, there must be some way that I'm not seeing. Sweetie, call a women's shelter. They will listen to you, they will help you leave today, they will support you in looking for a place to live, and assist you in finding a job to support yourself. Yes they will even find a solution to your pets you will be comfortable with but for that you need to call them. School can wait, you are already failing, you need to get back on track and find your independence again. You will get yourself back to school after that. Screw what others will think!! Listen, it took me 15 years to leave an abusive marriage, don't do it!!. I got out of it at 33 with no work experience and no special education. 10 years later I am an executive in the pharmaceutical industry. Imagine where I would be with my career if I had left my ex-husband at your age instead of 33 !! Call them.
Omei Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) If its anything close to what I went through by manipulation I assume you have lost connection with family and friends and have become closed off to them? I see no mention of these things and I know what its like to not want to tell them to feel that shame... Where are they? You need to connect to someone a woman's shelter is good but family is always better with added counseling, if you have fallen out of contact, contact them you will be surprised at how accepting a family can be even if you've distanced yourself (unless you just have a family that was bad before your relationship) Contact someone anyone close...the most recent close person you can trust open up. A family provides love and safety feelings most shelters cant give if this is an option take it. Edited April 9, 2014 by Omei
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