TheyCallMeOx Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I started talking to this chick online, OkCupid, and things are going pretty well. We had a three hour long conversation on the phone the other day. Last Sunday, we were supposed to go on a date but she texted me Sunday morning and said she was sick. We talked and she kept apologizing and things like that, and she said she was really tired so she took a nap. She said she was going to call me when she woke up, but I didn't hear from her the whole day. The next morning, I send her a text. I call her. No answer. I thought that...yup, I'm being catfished. So I deleted our dating profile messages, deleted our texts, deleted her number, and decided to move on. Then she texted me said that I texted while she was in the shower and she was going to call me in a little while. That was like 3 hours ago. I tried calling her again, and no answer. It seems like she's got a legit Facebook profile, but I'm getting a really odd feeling that something fishy is going on. What's my next course of action?
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I started talking to this chick online, OkCupid, and things are going pretty well. We had a three hour long conversation the other day. Last Sunday, we were supposed to go on a date but she texted me Sunday morning and said she was sick. We talked and she kept apologizing and things like that, and she said she was really tired so she took a nap. She said she was going to call me when she woke up, but I didn't hear from her the whole day. The next morning, I send her a text. I call her. No answer. I thought that...yup, I'm being catfished. So I deleted our dating profile messages, deleted our texts, deleted her number, and decided to move on. Then she texted me said that I texted while she was in the shower and she was going to call me in a little while. That was like 3 hours ago. I tried calling her again, and no answer. It seems like she's got a legit Facebook profile, but I'm getting a really odd feeling that something fishy is going on. What's my next course of action? Ask for a date!!! She doesn't show again - she's either really flakey or hiding something. It's pretty much the only way you'll know for certain 1
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Do nothing. Too much investment in a woman you haven't even met. Quit chasing her. 7
Author TheyCallMeOx Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Do nothing. Too much investment in a woman you haven't even met. Quit chasing her. I went ahead and texted her letting her know I don't like the way things are going and cut it off, basically. I guess I have to move on now. What a shame.
Author TheyCallMeOx Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Why? ten charac. Because I felt like something was there, but I guess that's the whole purpose of catfishing.
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Because I felt like something was there, but I guess that's the whole purpose of catfishing. People get way ahead of themselves after a phone call, email, text messages, a few dates, etc. with the "something was there", "she seemed into me", "this girl was different"...I mean, you haven't even met her. Off the blocks she was already flakey. Just because you chat and have hour long conversations, it doesn't mean anything. People can behave however they want to and say whatever they want to in the moment or to get you interested. Don't start reaching for the expectation bar and placing it somewhere until you've met and spent a significant amount of time getting to know that person. You just cause yourself undue dissappointment when you do that. 9
BDL Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 First mistake you made was talking on the phone for three hours. She knows enough about you by then to start flaking on the date. She's no longer interested in seeing you because you're no longer a mystery. And talking on the phone won't let you read her body language to see if she's interested in you romantically so that gives you a clue whether you should invest more time in this girl. Calling and texting her when she said that she will be the one calling you back was another mistake. When a girl says she'll get back to you, you don't ever call or text her back until she does. Calling her back the next morning? Nope, bad move. She thinks you're needy or desperate. And deleting her messages, numbers, etc. That's overly emotional and immature for a guy to do that. 1
Author TheyCallMeOx Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 People get way ahead of themselves after a phone call, email, text messages, a few dates, etc. with the "something was there", "she seemed into me", "this girl was different"...I mean, you haven't even met her. Off the blocks she was already flakey. Just because you chat and have hour long conversations, it doesn't mean anything. People can behave however they want to and say whatever they want to in the moment or to get you interested. Don't start reaching for the expectation bar and placing it somewhere until you've met and spent a significant amount of time getting to know that person. You just cause yourself undue dissappointment when you do that. I'm not disappointed. I expected it to happen, really. Here I am getting over a breakup, finally moving on with my life, and things start going pretty good. I talked with one woman over OkCupid and she stopped talking mid-conversation. Life is just discouraging me, trying to make me suffer more than I already have been because it knows how strong I am. I refuse to break, and this is life's attempt to break me again. **** everybody at the moment. **** people.
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I'm not disappointed. I expected it to happen, really. Here I am getting over a breakup, finally moving on with my life, and things start going pretty good. I talked with one woman over OkCupid and she stopped talking mid-conversation. Life is just discouraging me, trying to make me suffer more than I already have been because it knows how strong I am. I refuse to break, and this is life's attempt to break me again. **** everybody at the moment. **** people. You are dissappointed. You know why? You kept chasing her. You had expectations. I think you're desperate to make something happen because you're trying to get over a break-up. You are clearly not ready to date. It's pretty evident by your defeatist attitude. You're trying to quickly find a replacement, trying to find someone that can fill your void. You're still wounded and you shouldn't be dating if complete strangers are making you react so negatively towards your stance in life. 2
Mo_Do Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 To be "catfished" would be if this girl was fake, ie. an old man or some troll pretending to be a girl that's online dating. The girl in question sounds like she just has other options and she's exploring them. And you, are WAY too emotionally invested. 7
Author TheyCallMeOx Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 To be "catfished" would be if this girl was fake, ie. an old man or some troll pretending to be a girl that's online dating. The girl in question sounds like she just has other options and she's exploring them. And you, are WAY too emotionally invested. I can understand exploring options. But if you're going to call someone in "a little bit," call them in a little bit. If you tell someone you're going to call them in a while, call them in a while. If you say you're going to do something, do it. I don't care if that makes me emotionally invested when I expect you to follow through with what you're going to say. I didn't call her too many times, and both times she didn't pick up. There are clear indications of sketchy behavior. Even if she wasn't a catfisher, that's still not right. I don't care if she was with 100 dudes at the moment. If she's unable to call me for the rest of the day because she's out having 140 dates, I can understand that. However, if she says that she's going to call me when she wakes up from a nap in the middle of the afternoon, that's what I expect. If I jumped to conclusions, I don't give a flying **** -- catfisher or not, that's not a woman worth my time. I need a woman who is willing to communicate and can actually do the **** she says she's going to do.
J21 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) I understand the feeling sucks, but i think u honestly had too much expectations from someone you've never met. A 3 hour phone conversation and she's expected to follow through on what she says? I'm sorry, but were you guys dating? You guys haven't even met! let alone know each other. She owes u nothing. You are entitled to nothing. 3 hours of conversation before meeting in person? Honestly, why? You should've just left it at when she said she'd call instead of texting and calling. You came off too clingy and she's already lost her interest in you. This is not being catfished. This is self imploding by being too eager/clingy. Or maybe a self fulfilling prophecy from your defeatist attitude. Edited April 7, 2014 by J21
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) When someone you do not know doesn't call you in a bit, you don't press them to keep at their word nor do you have expectations for them to behave as to what you believe is right. They are showing you who they are and you accept who they are. Then you get to decide how you would like to proceed. You don't place expectations on strangers. You don't get to decide how they should behave. You stand back and observe. When she failed to call you back twice, you chased her. When she says she is going to call back and she doesn't, leave it. Don't chase for communication. You are way too emotional and going into this dating thing with high expectations. Chances are, you're going to keep getting hurt because people aren't just going to follow through and keep to your standards. You need to have thick skin to OLD. Edited April 7, 2014 by Zahara 5
TXGuy Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 First mistake you made was talking on the phone for three hours. She knows enough about you by then to start flaking on the date. She's no longer interested in seeing you because you're no longer a mystery. And talking on the phone won't let you read her body language to see if she's interested in you romantically so that gives you a clue whether you should invest more time in this girl. Calling and texting her when she said that she will be the one calling you back was another mistake. When a girl says she'll get back to you, you don't ever call or text her back until she does. Calling her back the next morning? Nope, bad move. She thinks you're needy or desperate. And deleting her messages, numbers, etc. That's overly emotional and immature for a guy to do that. I agree entirely with the first two paragraphs, disagree with the third. Once you know you are done with a prospect (that you have not even met yet) it makes sense to delete conversations and contact info. First, for general housecleaning purposes. Second, so you don't have the temptation to reread the texts or call her again.
HappyLove Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 If you don't want to be disappointed then STOP OLDing. She was actually one of the nicer ones.
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 First mistake you made was talking on the phone for three hours. She knows enough about you by then to start flaking on the date. She's no longer interested in seeing you because you're no longer a mystery. And talking on the phone won't let you read her body language to see if she's interested in you romantically so that gives you a clue whether you should invest more time in this girl. I might agree with your last two points to SOME degree but from a woman's perspective, this first point is just plain bullsh*t. If anything, that comment makes me question if YOU know women at all. 1
J21 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 First mistake you made was talking on the phone for three hours. She knows enough about you by then to start flaking on the date. She's no longer interested in seeing you because you're no longer a mystery. And talking on the phone won't let you read her body language to see if she's interested in you romantically so that gives you a clue whether you should invest more time in this girl. Calling and texting her when she said that she will be the one calling you back was another mistake. When a girl says she'll get back to you, you don't ever call or text her back until she does. Calling her back the next morning? Nope, bad move. She thinks you're needy or desperate. And deleting her messages, numbers, etc. That's overly emotional and immature for a guy to do that. I agree entirely with the first two paragraphs, disagree with the third. Once you know you are done with a prospect (that you have not even met yet) it makes sense to delete conversations and contact info. First, for general housecleaning purposes. Second, so you don't have the temptation to reread the texts or call her again. Well I think in the case with the OP, him deleting her messages/number was a emotional knee jerk reaction. Had the OP processed that he was not owed anything, and deleted the messages/numbers I would agree it's good housecleaning. However, I get the feeling the OP has a "eff this b*tch for not calling me back" attitude, so I'm gonna have to agree with BDL.
Author TheyCallMeOx Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 First mistake you made was talking on the phone for three hours. She knows enough about you by then to start flaking on the date. She's no longer interested in seeing you because you're no longer a mystery. And talking on the phone won't let you read her body language to see if she's interested in you romantically so that gives you a clue whether you should invest more time in this girl. Calling and texting her when she said that she will be the one calling you back was another mistake. When a girl says she'll get back to you, you don't ever call or text her back until she does. Calling her back the next morning? Nope, bad move. She thinks you're needy or desperate. And deleting her messages, numbers, etc. That's overly emotional and immature for a guy to do that. I'll accept that talking on the phone for three hours was a mistake, even if I don't agree with it. In fact, she was the one who initiated a phone conversation -- I would've been perfectly content with texting until the first date, but she wanted an actual phone conversation. The three hour long phone conversation was consensual -- it's not like I spoon fed her every detail about myself. In the grand scheme of things, she hardly knew anything about me. As far as making the mistake of calling/texting her after she said she'd do it, I strongly disagree with you. I'm a very punctual person. I believe that if you say you're going to do something, you are expected to do it. Period. The first time she failed to call me, I waited all day for her text/call because she said she would. I let it go the first time. However, when you fail to do something twice in two consecutive days, that tells me that you don't take responsibility. That was a red flag. Not only did she fail to call me, but she didn't pick up the phone when I tried to contact her. I don't care who it is...if I'm available, I'll answer the phone for anybody. When I don't answer the phone, there is usually a reason why (and it's never a good reason). I don't understand how it's needy or desperate. Someone tells you when they'll call, they fail to call, so you call them. In business, that **** will get you fired. You don't go up to your boss and say "hey, I'm gonna finish that TPS report in a little while." When you don't do it, your boss comes back, wonders why the TPS report isn't completed, and is upset. You said you were going to do something, you didn't do it, and therefore...what does that make you? A non-reliable employee. If I'm needy for finding out whether she's reliable or not, so be it. But you know what? I probably saved myself a lot of heartache. So you know what? I give myself a pat on the needy and desperate back. I just don't agree with you on that. As far as the response goes, it could've been a lot worse. I could've looked up her Facebook, tried to become friends with her, could've contacted her WAY more than what I did, and I probably could've figured out where she worked and paid her a visit. I could've done that ****. But you know what I did? I said "this the route she wants to take? That's cool. I don't got time for that." I picked myself up, and I moved on. I sent her a text saying I didn't like the way things were going, it was sketchy what she was doing, and that I wish her luck." That was it. If that's what you call emotional, man...you don't even know me. You are dissappointed. You know why? You kept chasing her. You had expectations. I think you're desperate to make something happen because you're trying to get over a break-up. You are clearly not ready to date. It's pretty evident by your defeatist attitude. You're trying to quickly find a replacement, trying to find someone that can fill your void. You're still wounded and you shouldn't be dating if complete strangers are making you react so negatively towards your stance in life. I spent the past several months fighting to stay single because I know that I needed to fix myself. I went to the park every day that I could, read self-help books on how to love myself. I gave up women for a while in order to focus on myself. I've learned to love myself with that time. I planned on waiting till next year, but I got into dating because I was ready to date again. I don't compare women to my ex-girlfriends, but you know...I'm not trying to fill a void. Being in love is a good feeling; that is something I miss. I want that interaction again. Any logical person would agree with that. Biologically, we want to feel good. Being in a relationship is a good feeling. To deprive myself of these good feelings is just not logical at all. When I realized I was capable of getting into a relationship again, I seized the opportunity. What I just experienced were negative experiences. Imagine you pursuing a woman, and she cuts you out mid conversation. No bye. No "sorry," or anything. The next woman you pursue cancels the date the morning of, fails to call/text you when she said she would, ignores your phone calls, and pretty much lies to you. I get it...sometimes, things don't work out. But it's called common courtesy. You don't treat people poorly unless a) you're a dick b) they deserve it I was pursuing these women. I didn't deserve anything. You just don't do that to people. It's disrespectful. Talking to a girl you've never even met before for 3 hours. Sheesh. Why didn't you just chop your balls off and offer it to her on a platter? What do you think I should've done? "Oh, hey. We're past the 5 minute mark. Yeah...I'm not supposed to talk to you more for five minutes. No, it's not you. No it's just...hard to explain. Yeah, I gotta go to bed. I know it's only 10:30. So far, I do enjoy talking on the phone with...yeah I know, but I can't talk for more than five minutes. Because. I gotta go. Bye." She was enjoying the conversation and so was I. What the **** was I supposed to do? When someone you do not know doesn't call you in a bit, you don't press them to keep at their word nor do you have expectations for them to behave as to what you believe is right. They are showing you who they are and you accept who they are. Then you get to decide how you would like to proceed. You don't place expectations on strangers. You don't get to decide how they should behave. You stand back and observe. When she failed to call you back twice, you chased her. When she says she is going to call back and she doesn't, leave it. Don't chase for communication. You are way too emotional and going into this dating thing with high expectations. Chances are, you're going to keep getting hurt because people aren't just going to follow through and keep to your standards. You need to have thick skin to OLD. So what am I expected to do? Not wait for a phone call? Expect nothing? Just say "ah, **** it. If she calls, she calls. If she doesn't, it doesn't matter. I'll find another woman. She seemed like she was worth dating, but I'll just find another one like that **** happens everyday." Well I think in the case with the OP, him deleting her messages/number was a emotional knee jerk reaction. Had the OP processed that he was not owed anything, and deleted the messages/numbers I would agree it's good housecleaning. However, I get the feeling the OP has a "eff this b*tch for not calling me back" attitude, so I'm gonna have to agree with BDL. It's actually both. No woman is worth my time. If you wanna **** with someone, find someone who doesn't have a brain and will keep leading himself to believe **** that isn't true; I'm not that dude. At the same time, I know that she wasn't obligated to do anything. I didn't press her as much as I could've. I wanted to figure out what the hell was going on, and I couldn't get an answer. The more I would try to fight, the more I know I would lose...so it wasn't worth the time and effort. Pack up and move on. 1
OhThatGirl Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Please reread everything Zahara has said here until you live it and breathe it. It's the most respectful way it could have been said. So what am I expected to do? Not wait for a phone call? Expect nothing? Just say "ah, **** it. If she calls, she calls. If she doesn't, it doesn't matter. I'll find another woman. She seemed like she was worth dating, but I'll just find another one like that **** happens everyday." Yes. Yes this is EXACTLY what you are expected to do. Deal with it. This is OLD. It's no different than going to the grocery store and seeing women. They owe you nothing. It's just a platform to get people to the grocery store at the same time.
J21 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 OP - you do realize none of us actually agree that she owed calling you back right? You guys were not dating, you guys have not even met! Now, that makes all of us wrong, or your expectations were too high from someone you've never met. The 3 hour phone conversation could easily have been stopped. After 5 minutes of talking/rescheduling, if she continued to ramble, you say "hey I forgot i have some stuff I have to take care of, I'll see you next week". DONE! Here you are acting like you were a powerless victim and she entrapped you into a 3 hour conversation. Then you give the example of the TPS report as if she were your employee! You could not have chosen a worse example! I mean this in a nice way, but you need to ease up a bit!
martaldn Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I started talking to this chick online, OkCupid, and things are going pretty well. We had a three hour long conversation on the phone the other day. Last Sunday, we were supposed to go on a date but she texted me Sunday morning and said she was sick. We talked and she kept apologizing and things like that, and she said she was really tired so she took a nap. She said she was going to call me when she woke up, but I didn't hear from her the whole day. The next morning, I send her a text. I call her. No answer. I thought that...yup, I'm being catfished. So I deleted our dating profile messages, deleted our texts, deleted her number, and decided to move on. Then she texted me said that I texted while she was in the shower and she was going to call me in a little while. That was like 3 hours ago. I tried calling her again, and no answer. It seems like she's got a legit Facebook profile, but I'm getting a really odd feeling that something fishy is going on. What's my next course of action? I would wait until she show up again and see what she is going to say.. I would play a bit the hard to get if I was you but only to restore the balance and make it clear you are not actually waiting for her to call or text. dont call her anymore though. see if she comes to your way this time.
mikefromtheblock Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 You deleted everything just because she didn't reply you straight away? Wow. I mean. Wow. Why would even waste time to delete all the stuff in the first place and second you need some patience dude, everyone is busy with their ****. Perhaps she's a CEO and you aint in her schedule too often! Okay, joking.
Author TheyCallMeOx Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 I would wait until she show up again and see what she is going to say.. I would play a bit the hard to get if I was you but only to restore the balance and make it clear you are not actually waiting for her to call or text. dont call her anymore though. see if she comes to your way this time. Funny thing...she did text me this morning apologizing for not contacting me. She said she was still interested in dating, and is sorry if I'm not interested anymore. I told her that I'm still willing to date, but based on what other people have said...I decided to back off a little bit and let her call/text when she wants to. I told her to call me when she's available to contact me, and we can set something up. We have another date on Sunday, and hopefully it won't go sour like it did last time. But I'm not gonna chase her or anything like that. So we'll see how it goes...
Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) Yeah, I gotta say, I think some of you are out in left field. I've talked with plenty of my past girlfriends on the phone for hours before going on dates, and we ended up dating over a year in each relationship. Not sure where some of this logic comes from. No girl has ever backed off from a date because of talking on the phone with me beforehand. In fact, it is a tool to build rapport. Texting should ONLY be used as a vehicle to get to the phone call, then the phone call to the date. Edited April 8, 2014 by Thomas the Red Fox
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