98nonewfds Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Hello: I wanted to post my story because this has been a very surreal experience for me. I have always been a very positive person, always trying to see the best in people (and situations). This break up has changed my view on the world. background- I met a guy in October of last year. I had just ended a relationship, so I wasn't looking to jump back into something. We had a mutual acquaintance in common that vouched for him, so I gave him a chance. We hit it off and started seeing each other about 4x/week. He came to my family's Thanksgiving and I met his friends. Everything seemed great and we were having fun. He had a guys trip to Miami planned (before he met me) and was supposed to go in January. He offered to cancel it, but I didn't think that was fair. Plus, you are supposed to trust the person you are with, right? He goes to Miami and asks to see me the next day. I go to his place and I'm ready to break up. There's just something that feels off. He questions me about it, reassuring me that nothing happened while he was there. He then proceeds to give me these gifts that he bought for me while he was there. Nothing special-keychains w/our names, a mug, etc. I was a bit appalled because he had stayed at the best hotel in Miami and all he brought me was a stupid keychain (insert joke here). I tell him I'm tired and go home. Long story short-he begs me not to break up with him and promises to be a better boyfriend. And he does just that-calls more, spends all his free time with me, cooks, etc. I never suspected that he was lying the entire time. We originally had planned on going on vacation together for my birthday. He warned me that we would have to postpone because his sister was getting married and he had to go visit his family. I was excited for him, because this was the first time he was able to see them in years (he's from a different country). We made plans for Valentine's weekend and I thought nothing of his upcoming trip. The Thursday before Valentine's Day I go over to make dinner. I'm exhausted from work, but I wanted to do something nice. We make a ton of food and he decides to invite his best friend and his wife over. Ok. We eat and I take the wife into his bedroom and shut the door. I tell her my reservations about the relationship and how I don't know if I can trust him. She tells me that I am the only girl he talks about, the only one he's ever brought around, yada. Oh and btw-do you know he's going to Brazil in a week? Whaaaaaaat!?!?!?! So, I ask him about it and he shuts down. He told me to get out of his house and that he doesn't want a relationship. He said he was not going to Brazil and couldn't believe that I would believe someone over him. How I don't appreciate him and that I'm never happy. Happy Valentine's Day to me. I actually felt bad and that I had overreacted. I sent him a nice message and mailed him my Valentine's gift. I truly thought that he was telling the truth and that I had f'ed up. He then sends me a text a few days later reiterating the previous conversation. Except that, if he did want a relationship, I would be the "perfect one" but he's not looking for that. That's well and dandy, but don't pretend. Don't say we are exclusive and make plans for the future (he had offered to take ME to Brazil for the World Cup!). I found out that he did go to Brazil (on my birthday no less). Presumably to meet a girl he met while in Miami. I confronted him about it and he said it was my fault. That he was never going to marry me and he never said he was in it for the long haul. So please Loveshack family-help me understand. Why would he lie so much? I gave him numerous chances to break up, but he begged to stay in the relationship. What if the wife never tipped me off? What was he planning when he returned from Brazil? That we would just continue on? I have so many questions about this whole situation. Part of my profession is to analyze risk/people and I feel like a failure. I hate bothering my friends with this, but I truly am shaken.
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) So please Loveshack family-help me understand. Why would he lie so much? I gave him numerous chances to break up, but he begged to stay in the relationship. What if the wife never tipped me off? What was he planning when he returned from Brazil? That we would just continue on? . It's difficult to analyze someone that is hardwired in a way that isn't normal or natural to someone that doesn't behave this way. It's not that black and white. Why would he lie so much? Maybe he's a manipulator. Maybe he does it to get his needs met. Maybe he has a personality disorder. There's no answer. The only answer you have is that it's wrong and it isn't healthy. That's all you need. He probably begged to stay in the relationship because you offered him a benefit. Companionship, sex, fun, dates, convenience, security, etc. If the wife never tipped you off I am sure at some point you would have caught on. He would have still gone to Brazil and that could have set off a different set of events. Upon returning he was probably going to resume what he had with you or he would have ended it with you, depending on whether he needed you for whatever his needs were at the time. Edited April 7, 2014 by Zahara
Author 98nonewfds Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Thank you so much for responding. Your words have actually helped me understand what kind of person I was with. I truly see that he was just using me for his own convenience and probably faking the whole relationship. Not fun to deal with, but at least I can stop analyzing the relationship.
Zahara Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Thank you so much for responding. Your words have actually helped me understand what kind of person I was with. I truly see that he was just using me for his own convenience and probably faking the whole relationship. Not fun to deal with, but at least I can stop analyzing the relationship. I think deep down you know what kind of person he is and when you decided to break up with him, your instincts were telling you something -- you said yourself that something felt off. Soon enough his colors started showing and thank god you didn't spend too much time with him. Yes, I don't think it needs much analyzing because he was quite clear in how he presented himself. It's just hard sometimes because from where we stand, it's hard to fathom how someone can behave that way -- it's hard to accept. 3
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