Ex already madly in love again.

[STM206]

We just passed the 3 month mark of our breakup and he's already madly in love with someone else.

 

I saw this yesterday and couldn't help but roll my eyes. What the hell? Infatuation much?

 

Isn't love something that grows over time?

[jonsnuh]

Sorry to hear about this STM206, but what about yourself? Why aren't you in love? Why haven't you moved on? What about your happiness?

 

Don't give him a second thought until you are happy.

[STM206]

Well for starters this was my first relationship and I really did love him with all of my heart. I just don't get the whole bouncing from relationships to relationships thing. I actually valued what we had together and I know I can't give my all to someone else if I'm still getting over him.

 

We were together for 4 years.

 

I wish it was as easy to wipe my hands clean and forget him completely but it doesn't happen like that sadly.

 

What's your story? I'd love to garner some inspiration from you.

[jonsnuh]

Well for starters this was my first relationship and I really did love him with all of my heart. I just don't get the whole bouncing from relationships to relationships thing. I actually valued what we had together and I know I can't give my all to someone else if I'm still getting over him.

 

We were together for 4 years.

 

I wish it was as easy to wipe my hands clean and forget him completely but it doesn't happen like that sadly.

 

What's your story? I'd love to garner some inspiration from you.

 

I was together with my ex for 6-7 years, in a long distance relationship.

She was my first, as partners at our high school prom.

 

We broke up with her sending me a one-sided ultimatum when she moved on graduating and doing very well finding herself a job as an fellowship in pharmacy at a hospital in Toronto with a very respected field (that I will not disclose for privacy).

 

What did I do? I contacted her and thought she had died or something because she had broken all contact with me. And worse of all, she did this through email. The rest of the months from then were tumultuous with me losing sleep, concentration and appetite. This affected my school work and my life momentarily spiraled out of control that impacted my graduation and future career prospects.

 

Intensive therapy with a focus to move on the belief that she could ever come back held me back from healing, despite explicitly telling me that she had moved on.

 

I found out recently that she had done some very promiscuous things as a single that shattered any thought that she was coming back. Now, if you were to ask me if I cared, I can tell you that the only thing I regret was not moving on much quickly from her.

 

She set the bar high for what I want in a woman. But only I can decide what I expect out of my partner, not her. Rebounds may detach yourself from your ex, but you might discover that you have only yourself to find someone better. That person you had loved was gone a long time ago.

 

It's understandable that you can't give yourself to someone else completely. First, you need to bring all of yourself back to yourself (if this makes sense), before you can love someone else.

 

I have forgiven her, but I will not forget her because I truly loved her and she was my first. Time waits for no one unfortunately.

Edited April 7, 2014 by jonsnuh

[STM206]

Do you feel it was easier to move forward being that your relationship was long distance? I ask this because there were many nights you slept alone and did things on your own.

 

Regardless losing someone is never easy - it rattles you to the core.

 

You're right - I just need to give it time, I'm trying to find pleasure in life again but find myself yearning for that companionship that I had grown to know with my ex. It's like once you've had that - you realize how special it can really be to share your life with someone on so many levels.

 

Have you cut off all contact with your ex?

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that, you sound like an intelligent man who got ****ed over, NOT COOL.

[jonsnuh]

Do you feel it was easier to move forward being that your relationship was long distance? I ask this because there were many nights you slept alone and did things on your own.

 

You are likely right. However, my LDR wasn't really long-distance (2 hours max one-way). I convinced myself that I was doing everything for her. I was steadfast into believing in the idea that we had something special, and that we would never hurt each other. It was probably easier for her to do so because her values were looser than mine, it seemed. I had tricked myself into thinking that what I was doing was for our future to the point that I made many sacrifices just to make our lives better. We would communicate with each other on a daily basis, but there was very little substance left in our discussions. Little did I know, I had turned into a free therapist for her. It was naivety and false ideals of love that created the smoke and mirrors of my demise.

 

Have you cut off all contact with your ex?

 

Yes. There were a few times I wanted to talk to her, but she jumped the gun and threatened to put a restraining order on me when I gave her mother a letter that I presented to her mother. I wasn't trying to get her back. The letter was only to ease me as a "closure" to what I was never given. It was quite possible she had created a whole web of deceit that relied on abusing my trust. From what I gathered, this was probably true since she had strong traits of BPD that I thought was normal in a person (through my free-of-charge therapy sessions as a soundboard every night).

 

She was also so tied up with believing that I wasn't progressive with who I was all these years, blaming my mistakes on my faith (that I relinquished and have debated for quite some time without her). She was never interested in our way, but only her way.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that, you sound like an intelligent man who got ****ed over, NOT COOL.

 

I think it was a very valuable experience, and I should have not been so compromising. Let's admit it, I sounded like a doormat because she had always found a reason to argue about. My naivety got the better of me. But would I want to fall in love again? Most certainly. And all the more wiser.

[flash.gordon]

You are likely right. However, my LDR wasn't really long-distance (2 hours max one-way). I convinced myself that I was doing everything for her. I was steadfast into believing in the idea that we had something special, and that we would never hurt each other. It was probably easier for her to do so because her values were looser than mine, it seemed. I had tricked myself into thinking that what I was doing was for our future to the point that I made many sacrifices just to make our lives better. We would communicate with each other on a daily basis, but there was very little substance left in our discussions. Little did I know, I had turned into a free therapist for her. It was naivety and false ideals of love that created the smoke and mirrors of my demise.

 

 

 

Yes. There were a few times I wanted to talk to her, but she jumped the gun and threatened to put a restraining order on me when I gave her mother a letter that I presented to her mother. I wasn't trying to get her back. The letter was only to ease me as a "closure" to what I was never given. It was quite possible she had created a whole web of deceit that relied on abusing my trust. From what I gathered, this was probably true since she had strong traits of BPD that I thought was normal in a person (through my free-of-charge therapy sessions as a soundboard every night).

 

She was also so tied up with believing that I wasn't progressive with who I was all these years, blaming my mistakes on my faith (that I relinquished and have debated for quite some time without her). She was never interested in our way, but only her way.

 

 

 

I think it was a very valuable experience, and I should have not been so compromising. Let's admit it, I sounded like a doormat because she had always found a reason to argue about. My naivety got the better of me. But would I want to fall in love again? Most certainly. And all the more wiser.

 

i too am having similar problems with my ex. we broke up 2 months back and the situation was quite similar to yours. The initial period of moving on is the toughest. The problem is that my ex has no other friends and she wants me to be her best friend. She is on medication for BPD. and i find it harsh on my side to go NC with her. i know this was the person i wanted to spend my life with and i find it dfficult to leave her completely in this tough phase of her life. she left me for someone else. but now she claims that she has broken up with him too.

jonsnuh how did you manage that initial period...i mean how did you go about it. thanks man

p.s. she has begged me to meet her this weekend but only as a friend...im confused what shall be my conduct

Edited April 8, 2014 by flash.gordon

[jonsnuh]

i too am having similar problems with my ex. we broke up 2 months back and the situation was quite similar to yours. The initial period of moving on is the toughest. The problem is that my ex has no other friends and she wants me to be her best friend. She is on medication for BPD. and i find it harsh on my side to go NC with her. i know this was the person i wanted to spend my life with and i find it dfficult to leave her completely in this tough phase of her life. she left me for someone else. but now she claims that she has broken up with him too.

jonsnuh how did you manage that initial period...i mean how did you go about it. thanks man

p.s. she has begged me to meet her this weekend but only as a friend...im confused what shall be my conduct

 

Never settle for being someone's second choice. What's to say she won't do the same thing to you again?

[AlphaC]

 

Regardless losing someone is never easy - it rattles you to the core.

 

 

Have you cut off all contact with your ex?

 

You are certainly correct, it's never easy. I used to see my ex every single day, at most there was one day out of the week that I was not with her. I would sleep at her house or she would sleep at mine and then, from one day to the next, it was all over. I never saw her again.

 

As you get older you get wiser and, even though the pain is still intense, you learn to cope better. When my last relationship ended I did something really different, instead of thinking about her I focused on myself. I listed all that I had to offer and what I brought to the relationship. Knowing this hurt a lot too because after all I had done for her, I expected her to realize, cherish and appreciate me but she didn't. I told myself over and over that I would not feel sad for losing someone who didn't want me - this was very hard, but with time my wounds healed.

 

My ex, like your ex, is not the only person you are compatible with. You have to commit to removing any trace of this person from your life if you want to move forward in the least amount of time. A month after my break up I deleted my ex from Facebook, however I waited 2 months to block her. Once I blocked her my healing increased exponentially. I no longer cared what she looked like, I had no temptations of ever seeing her profile pic and like the ex before her I will never unblock her.

 

Life moves forward, your ex is with a new girl now which should not be a surprise (99 percent of the time there is another person in the mix, read any of the stories on LS). So my advice to you is to move the hell on, it's for you, if you don't move on you will prolong the pain of that failed relationship, all you will ever think about is your ex, these thoughts will consume you. If you move on you will soon discover that there is someone better for you out there. What can possibly be better than finding someone who is new, smart, handsome, sexy, kind, romantic and most of all, interested in a relationship with you and accepting of you??

 

It took me a good 3 months of absolutely NO Contact to start dating again, it took me another 2 months to find someone that I really liked. I am now much wiser and I can share my present life with a better partner. My ex caused me heartache and stress, she can now cause that to someone else, not me!

 

Tips: WORK OUT - SOOOOO Important, Read A LOT, Spend time with friends, make new friends, be kind to everyone around you, keep a smile on your face (it will cheer you up and make you happy even if you are not feeling it, trust me), and most of all, enjoy your life. You will one day move past this experience a much better person and that's the day you will realize this break up was a good thing. I am a very strong person and I am also a very committed person, having said that, I made myself a commitment to move forward, to cherish the last strawberry hanging from a lonely branch instead of the approaching hungry tigers that are about to make me their next meal (ha ha this is from a book on appreciating the present). Consider your last relationship a chapter in the book of your life, an experience you needed to prepare for something better in the future, good luck.