Ok Good Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 We've been dating about 4 months and I just met his 2 young kids. His kids are great and we got along well. The problem is he was not affectionate towards me in front of them (obviously I was not expecting a make out session in front of the kids, but at least thought he would kiss me) He sorta treated me like an acquaintance... I had thought that we would be introducing them to our relationship but it looks like it was just a meet & greet of me and the kids. Were my expectations unreasonable?? is what he did normal?
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 unreasonable is harsh. But you having any expectations - yes. First - how old are the kids. Second - it's a big step to be introduced to the kids. You should not have any expectations beyond the meeting. Do you have kids?
Chocolat Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Sounds normal to me. The first priority is to make sure the kids are comfortable, and that may mean dialing back affection. It's a huge step to meet the kids, imo, so I wouldn't read into it. 6
Author Ok Good Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Sounds normal to me. The first priority is to make sure the kids are comfortable, and that may mean dialing back affection. It's a huge step to meet the kids, imo, so I wouldn't read into it. Oh ok thanks for this insight!
organizedchaos Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 We've been dating about 4 months and I just met his 2 young kids. His kids are great and we got along well. The problem is he was not affectionate towards me in front of them (obviously I was not expecting a make out session in front of the kids, but at least thought he would kiss me) He sorta treated me like an acquaintance... I had thought that we would be introducing them to our relationship but it looks like it was just a meet & greet of me and the kids. Were my expectations unreasonable?? is what he did normal? Relax, I'm sure this was a big step for him. I have a kid so I can relate. Let him ease in to it.
Chocolat Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 As long as he is not dialed back when he's with you alone, it is all good.
Author Ok Good Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 unreasonable is harsh. But you having any expectations - yes. First - how old are the kids. Second - it's a big step to be introduced to the kids. You should not have any expectations beyond the meeting. Do you have kids? the kids are 4 & 7 no I don't have kids, tho not sure why that should matter..
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Perfectly normal... when my recent ex met my kids I was not affectionate to him either... one step at a time x
Author Ok Good Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Relax, I'm sure this was a big step for him. I have a kid so I can relate. Let him ease in to it. He did seem really nervous.. I haven't said anything to him about his being distant wanted to first check with the loveshack wisdom here to make sure I'm not being stupid
Author Ok Good Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Perfectly normal... when my recent ex met my kids I was not affectionate to him either... one step at a time x ok thanks!! guess I'll just be patient and see how things progress..
Chocolat Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Here's the thing. When you are a single parent, you tend to be a bit gun-shy about introducing SOs to your kids, because you don't want a parade of people coming into and out of their lives. So most parents wait a few months before making the introductions, as your bf did. By waiting a few months, you typically know whether the R has staying power. So, four months in, your bf decided it was time. He's still nervous, because 4 months is not all that long, but it's a bit of a balancing act because you also don't want a situation where your kids are boarding the train after you're already 20 stops down the line, so to speak. So on the one hand he wants to wait before introducing the kids but, on the other, he doesn't want it to seem like they are last to know about an established R (even though they are!). So he dials back the affection. In essence, you now have two separate Rs: - you and your bf - you and your bf and his kids The fist R is much more developed than the second. In time, the second one will catch up but it will likely develop much slower than your R with your bf did. 3
mammasita Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 the kids are 4 & 7 no I don't have kids, tho not sure why that should matter.. It's a relevant question to gauge your response to his actions. When you have kids and are a single parent dating - you are certainly more guarded when introducing them to people you are interested in. Especially if they are used to seeing you kiss & hug their mommy/daddy. Just something to consider. 3
Author Ok Good Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Here's the thing. When you are a single parent, you tend to be a bit gun-shy about introducing SOs to your kids, because you don't want a parade of people coming into and out of their lives. So most parents wait a few months before making the introductions, as your bf did. By waiting a few months, you typically know whether the R has staying power. So, four months in, your bf decided it was time. He's still nervous, because 4 months is not all that long, but it's a bit of a balancing act because you also don't want a situation where your kids are boarding the train after you're already 20 stops down the line, so to speak. So on the one hand he wants to wait before introducing the kids but, on the other, he doesn't want it to seem like they are last to know about an established R (even though they are!). So he dials back the affection. In essence, you now have two separate Rs: - you and your bf - you and your bf and his kids The fist R is much more developed than the second. In time, the second one will catch up but it will likely develop much slower than your R with your bf did. ^^ brilliantly stated! at least now I have a better idea how things may proceed
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 We've been dating about 4 months and I just met his 2 young kids. His kids are great and we got along well. The problem is he was not affectionate towards me in front of them (obviously I was not expecting a make out session in front of the kids, but at least thought he would kiss me) He sorta treated me like an acquaintance... I had thought that we would be introducing them to our relationship but it looks like it was just a meet & greet of me and the kids. Were my expectations unreasonable?? is what he did normal? Depending on their age he won't want to confuse them. They see him happy kissing mummy then that ends and daddies kissing someone else? It's not that difficult to understand. The children are part of "your" relationship and any relationship you have with them is entirely different. You will be seen as the new friend, chum whatever you want to call it. Until they are older they won't understand why daddy is not with mummy. You need to be patient, there is reasoning and it's definitely not personal.
amaysngrace Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 IMO it's a good sign that he took that step to introduce you to his kids. It means he takes you and your relationship seriously. It's a really big step. 3
Author Ok Good Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 yeah, I somehow got into my head that maybe he just didn't want his ex to know about us like the kids would tell on him or something but now I see that how it all played out was quite normal and in fact was a good thing! since he's been divorced for three years it didn't occur to me that the kids would still be thinking of him with their mom his relationship with his x is not the best anyway...
HappyLove Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Yes, it's unreasonable to think he'd be affectionate to you in front if his young children you are meeting for the first time. He must really like you a lot because I think a 4 month relationship is too short to be introducing young children to the girlfriend. No offense to you but kids are confused enough and I hate that some parents bring the bf & gf in and out of kids life. Good for you though for getting some feedback. 1
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 yeah, I somehow got into my head that maybe he just didn't want his ex to know about us like the kids would tell on him or something but now I see that how it all played out was quite normal and in fact was a good thing! since he's been divorced for three years it didn't occur to me that the kids would still be thinking of him with their mom his relationship with his x is not the best anyway... That's what kids do honey, eventually it will be different as times goes on but they have to get used to you first. I know how you feel, I've been in the same position the kids were slightly older (7 and 12) which seemed to make it harder because they'd grown up with their parents together and then here I was. I know you feel sad, and ignored probably I know I did. However as I am a parent I get it too. It's definitely nothing to be concerned about, in fact it shows his very good parenting 1
organizedchaos Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 yeah, I somehow got into my head that maybe he just didn't want his ex to know about us like the kids would tell on him or something but now I see that how it all played out was quite normal and in fact was a good thing! since he's been divorced for three years it didn't occur to me that the kids would still be thinking of him with their mom his relationship with his x is not the best anyway... It's a huge step and introducing a gf to the kids is not to be taken lightly. When my ex of 3 years broke up with me, my son was devastated that she wouldn't be around anymore. Almost like another divorce for him to go through.
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 He's introducing you as a friend. His kids will take time to get used to you and your relationship with him. He's not going to leap in there right from the start. He's aware what a big deal it is for them. I think you are being unreasonable if you expect romantic kisses in front of the kids when you are first introduced. I wouldn't expect that for some considerable time.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I don't think she's being unreasonable. I think she's in a position that she didn't fully understand until now. She's not a parent so she wouldn't automatically think with the mentality of one. 3
Author Ok Good Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 I don't think she's being unreasonable. I think she's in a position that she didn't fully understand until now. She's not a parent so she wouldn't automatically think with the mentality of one. Thank you your observation of my position is spot on!
Author Ok Good Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 He's introducing you as a friend. His kids will take time to get used to you and your relationship with him. He's not going to leap in there right from the start. He's aware what a big deal it is for them. I think you are being unreasonable if you expect romantic kisses in front of the kids when you are first introduced. I wouldn't expect that for some considerable time. Until I posted my question today, I just didn't fully comprehend what a big deal this whole process was.. I thought I'd hang out with the kids, they'd warm up to me I'd see if they had behavior problems, how he parented, etc and we'd just continue on as a group, lol! Now I get that this is a whole nother dance going on... those kids have to slowly but surely continue to "get use to me" and me to them during that time I'm guessing we won't be affectionate in front of them?? I don't like that but hopefully there will be other ways to show our care for each other? as someone else posted about this situation, I'm now developing a new R with just me & the kids and another developing R of me, the kids, and him! I think I'm ready for this new stage in my life I'm just really clueless how it's suppose to go.. I've been alone a long time and want to be careful that I don't get too sensitive and start personalizing events & creating unnecessary drama... It was hard on me when he was so distant I didn't understand why & felt kinda hurt and it made me think he really wasn't ready for this next step I see now I was wrong, yay! Thank you everyone for your kind & insightful comments!!
FitChick Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Remember that the kids will tell their mother everything they see and hear. Little spies, so be careful. 1
Omei Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) I remember intro of my kids to my last two partners I waited months as well, I even went as far as to ask them to not kiss me or be romantical around them until I knew it was long lasting he does it totally how I do it. Be happy he must really like you! Don't worry time will pass where affection will be okay when with the kids. Let him always take the lead parentally and romantically when around them, as time gos by he will show effection slowly around them. Edited April 8, 2014 by Omei 1
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