Brutus Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 And, sometimes, it takes some time apart to make you realize that what you had wasn't what you wanted and needed after all... "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes well you might find You get what you need" (Rolling Stones) It's just so frustrating that women can put a guard up so quickly and convince themselves to move on and not look back. I know I was the man of her dreams, if only she'd take 5 minutes to look back and remember what we had I know, it hurts, especially if the times you had were really special. My ex used to tell me that she never felt so strong feelings for anyone before, we had a terrific time together, travelling everytime to a different place, exploring the world hand in hand, and after the breakup she admitted she doubts she will ever be as happy as we were. It is not that they are not looking back. The thing is that when they do they see it as a picture framed in a photoalbum, a pleasant memory of the past archived on a shelf (my ex made it very clear, even with a citation of Vonnegut). But we struggle, because we can't accept that something so beautiful belongs now to the past, not to the present nor the future. This is why when we look back we are in pain, while they can appreciate it as a nice memory and live their present with little or no remorse. Perhaps when we will be healed we will also manage to see it this way... 2
Author benkaye Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Despite my breakup with my ex-girlfriend being mutual, and then me wanting to reconcile, it seems from the forum advice that I've received along with her reaction that it's not going to happen and I need to move on... We've been broken up for 3 months now and she's moved onto another man, but I CANNOT stop thinking about all the pet names she used to call me, and the cute things she did to me (you know, all couples have personal cute things). It's really grating on me, and it upsets me beyond belief that I know she just doesn't remember that stuff anymore. It was all SO personal, and I know she meant everything she said to me about us being in love when we were together, and I just cannot stop thinking about these things. I'm truly heartbroken
Jiivy Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 My ex fianceé and I shared something very similar. Over the many years we were together, we developed a lot of very close, cute names and games with each other. She likely DOES remember all of these things. If she's in the throes of a new relationship, she isn't likely to dig up the affectionate past with you. Mine ran off with some new guy after 3 weeks...I doubt she's thinking of all our cute nicknames either. Give it time, for yourself AND for her. The honeymoon period is an intoxiacting time but it always fades away. In the mean time, you need to do what you need to cope and survive. The emotional damage that losing a loved one like this causes what I honestly feel is the deepest wound of all the human experiences. You are amongst friends here, we are suffering with you (I sure am). Use this time to look at yourself and understand what fundamentally makes you, you. You rarely get knocked so hard that you're willing to re-evaluate yourself as a person...so do that now. Who do yo want to be? 3
Author benkaye Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 My ex fianceé and I shared something very similar. Over the many years we were together, we developed a lot of very close, cute names and games with each other. She likely DOES remember all of these things. If she's in the throes of a new relationship, she isn't likely to dig up the affectionate past with you. Mine ran off with some new guy after 3 weeks...I doubt she's thinking of all our cute nicknames either. Give it time, for yourself AND for her. The honeymoon period is an intoxiacting time but it always fades away. In the mean time, you need to do what you need to cope and survive. The emotional damage that losing a loved one like this causes what I honestly feel is the deepest wound of all the human experiences. You are amongst friends here, we are suffering with you (I sure am). Use this time to look at yourself and understand what fundamentally makes you, you. You rarely get knocked so hard that you're willing to re-evaluate yourself as a person...so do that now. Who do yo want to be? What a great response, thank you. Yes, you are absolutely right that she's in the throes of a new relationship, and since they started just 2 weeks after we broke up (despite the final month of our relationship being very distant), they've been together 1.5 months now. Unfortunately we have mutual friends, and I've heard they share a lot in common, he's taking her to places she loves that I never did, and he's really treating her like a princess - and whilst I did do this for the majority of our relationship, I didn't for the final month (when we became emotionally distant), and I believe that's now all she associates with our relationship. So, in my mind, she's now comparing an amazing honeymoon period with her new partner, to the terrible final month of our relationship (where the pet names and games were no longer), and this is why I feel she doesn't remember. I've looked further back than the end of our relationship, and that's why I can remember all the good stuff.
Author benkaye Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 I know the main reason for NC is to get over somebody, but nonetheless, I'm trying to use it to get my ex girlfriend back. Despite us ending it mutually (after drifting), I desperately wanted her back after 4 weeks apart and did the usual begging/grovelling/declaring love etc. Of course this didn't work, and I found out she had started seeing somebody else and she told me she was very happy at present and we weren't compatible. I've gone NC for a few weeks now, and am concerned this is only going to backfire. I'm confident she's with a rebound now, but I feel that every day that goes by without contacting her, just gives her another day to FORGET about everything we had together, and another day for her to get closer to her new partner or find someone else. (In the same way one uses NC to get over their ex since time heals wounds, surely when I'm going NC on her she's also 'healing' from our relationship by forgetting about it, meaning there's never going to be a chance to reconcile...)
David87 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 NC is for you to get over your ex and to heal, It wont work if you do NC to bring your ex back. She has a new guy now and she isn't talking to you anymore, what does that tell you ? She won't come back, you won't get back together, be a man and get over it. The sooner you realise all this the better. 1
pickflicker Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I know the main reason for NC is to get over somebody, but nonetheless, I'm trying to use it to get my ex girlfriend back. Despite us ending it mutually (after drifting), I desperately wanted her back after 4 weeks apart and did the usual begging/grovelling/declaring love etc. Of course this didn't work, and I found out she had started seeing somebody else and she told me she was very happy at present and we weren't compatible. I've gone NC for a few weeks now, and am concerned this is only going to backfire. I'm confident she's with a rebound now, but I feel that every day that goes by without contacting her, just gives her another day to FORGET about everything we had together, and another day for her to get closer to her new partner or find someone else. (In the same way one uses NC to get over their ex since time heals wounds, surely when I'm going NC on her she's also 'healing' from our relationship by forgetting about it, meaning there's never going to be a chance to reconcile...) Ok, so there are a few reasons what you're doing is a bad idea, and I'll break it down for you. 1). It's unlikely that an ex will "forget" you. If you shared a meaningful, intimate connection with someone, you don't 'forget' them. You move on, you date other people, but that ex will always hold a little piece of your heart. I pulled the trigger on my last relationship (the guy who first brought me to this website), and believe me, I will never, ever forget him. 2). NC in the way you're using it, isn't NC. It's the Mexican standoff. And it's not productive. There's no way to "get an ex back", unless they want to come back. You're dealing with a person, and as such, they are free-thinking and armed with their own opinions, feelings and prejudices. So you can't hang NC over their head and manipulate them into coming back. Now, the Mexican standoff strategy might get her to come sniffing around you again. But that doesn't mean NC has worked to "get your ex back". And in all likelihood, a reconciliation will just implode further down the track anyway. So it's a dangerous strategy for your heart, because you're potentially setting yourself up for a bigger fall - and trust me, if you think losing someone once is hard, it doesn't compare to losing them twice. 3). You've already done everything you can to get her back. You asked, she said no. That's it. The next move is up to her, whatever she decides to do. Whether this guy is a rebound or not, it does not necessarily mean that a rebound will lead back to you. In fact, it's probably only going to lead to a new relationship with someone else. You can contact her if you like, but it's not respecting her request to be left alone, nor this other guy that she's dating, who doesn't deserve the drama that you bring. Whatever his role in this, he's to be afforded respect. So, NC is recommended as a way to stop putting your heart through the mangle. It's designed to give you a break from the hurt and reinvest the energy wasted on trying to get her back, into yourself, so that you can east/sleep/work/play/study etc, without constantly facing that rejection over and over again, each time you reach out. Ultimately it's up to you, but your strategy has "epic fail" written all over it. Take it from more experienced souls on here - it's not worth it. You're only going to prolong your suffering. 6
Author benkaye Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 After mutually ending it with my ex girlfriend of 1.5 years, she contacted me out of the blue after a month apart. Instead of playing it cool and gradually trying to woo her, I begged for her back once I'd found out she'd started seeing somebody new. I TRULY believe that by begging for her back I pushed her closer to her new rebound relationship and further from me. Despite mutually ending it, NO girl wants to be with someone that appears 'weak' and 'needy'. Had I began to re-attract her slowly, I'm 100% sure we would be back together now but I blew it. I want people to learn from my mistake, so I stress, you CANNOT get a girl back using logic - telling her you are sorry, you love her and you've changed does NOT work. They need to feel an emotion inside them in order to want you back in their life, you've just gotta find out what the best way of triggering that 'emotion' is. Logic doesn't work. I'm just yet to find out how to trigger my ex's emotional buttons...
Jiivy Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I broke down and spent the first 4-5 days after my ex left me calling, crying, texting and BEGGING her to reconsider. It didn't help - I eventually ended our conversation on a good note, saying that maybe this is a neccesary thing that's best for the both of us (of course I don't actually feel that way...). I stupidly left the conversation open with the, "if you change your mind I'll always love you and be here" piece. Ugh. Yeah - she got rid of the engagement ring and started screwing the new guy 3 weeks later (if not sooner!). The way I see it: You told her how you feel. I don't think it neccesarily pushed to the new guy. It was GOING to happen, she'd made up her mind. Whether you had the conversation or not she was out dude...This way you can walk and say, "well you know what? I gave it a fight. I didn't wimp out and leave it." And that in itself could be regarded in a good light by her too. Ahhhh but neither matters. She's gone and I'm so sorry that she's with someone new so quickly. You're not alone here buddy. 1
StGeorge22 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Don't best yourself up, it's a completely natural thing to do and I'm sure the majority of people on here have done it . Sorry you are hurting mate 1
hotpotato Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 This is harsh, but begging someone who has rejected you is pathetic in their eyes. Nobody is going to be attracted to that. Ive never done it, I plan never to do so. If someone wants to leave, let them. If they are dating someone else, let them. 1
Always Pondering Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Sorry about your situation, I understand your feelings. It is at least glad that you realized the consequences of appearing needy and begging your ex for forgiveness or reconciliation. I will admit I was guilty of it as well but a great number of people are and it's a common thing to happen when your mind is clouded with emotions. I left my last conversation with my ex the same thing you did: the "I'll always be here" thing. Do I regret it? Yes, but mistakes are mistakes and I am at least glad I learned now not to do that. If you decide to go NC with your situation, best of luck to you friend. Honestly, LS is very comforting to me and has taught me a lot of things so far. I wish I figured out about LS long ago and read posts like yours prior to all my problems in the past. 1
maturityassets Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 It has happened to a lot of us. Happened to me. You learn and you move on. I know you wish you guys were still together but your life doesn't end with her. Don't allow yourself to be a co-dependent and don't beat yourself up. We aren't the rational beings that we think we are. We are emotional beings who have needs for help and validation. The way we respond to a situation stems beyond just the context of the situation in itself. How we act comes from how we were raised and how we see ourselves. Don't worry either how you look on these forums. I've surely come off as arrogant and people have pointed that out to me, especially in the early months on these forums. I can't be ashamed of myself because of that. I acted in ways due to raw emotional responses and lack of self-understanding. Forgive yourself. Weakness is not doing anything to advance your life, passivity and self pitying. Strength comes from being active and overcoming your shortcomings. Something tells me you that you are taking an active approach like most people do when it comes to moving on. One way is self-understanding and seems like you are learning within the past two weeks on this post. Best of Luck! 1
Author benkaye Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 Update: My ex and I have been apart for 3 months now, she's been with her rebound for about 2 months. Although she denies it, I'm 100% sure he is a rebound since we share mutual friends and they all tell me it's going to be short-lived. We last spoke 2 weeks ago when I begged for her and told her I loved her, but she told me she was seeing this guy and we couldn't be together. She asked to be friends but I said no. Today: I've started casually seeing somebody, and today one of my mutual friends met up with my ex. He accidentally hinted that I was seeing this girl tonight and she started trying to get lots of info from him about it, but he said he couldn't say anything. 20-minutes later I get a text message from her saying "Can we be friends now?". It seems this has really sparked her interest. So there are two reasons she's texted me: a) Either she genuinely wants to be friends as thinks I've moved on now. b) She's feeling jealous as she never thought I would move on, and now I am.. My question: Do I reply to her message? My ultimate goal is to get her back, so I don't want her to think I'm emotional and not over her if I don't reply, but on the other hand if I do reply I don't want to give her control and for her to think she can have me as a friend whilst simultaneously see this new guy (if she doesn't have any feelings)
somegoodman Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Update: My ex and I have been apart for 3 months now, she's been with her rebound for about 2 months. Although she denies it, I'm 100% sure he is a rebound since we share mutual friends and they all tell me it's going to be short-lived. We last spoke 2 weeks ago when I begged for her and told her I loved her, but she told me she was seeing this guy and we couldn't be together. She asked to be friends but I said no. Today: I've started casually seeing somebody, and today one of my mutual friends met up with my ex. He accidentally hinted that I was seeing this girl tonight and she started trying to get lots of info from him about it, but he said he couldn't say anything. 20-minutes later I get a text message from her saying "Can we be friends now?". It seems this has really sparked her interest. So there are two reasons she's texted me: a) Either she genuinely wants to be friends as thinks I've moved on now. b) She's feeling jealous as she never thought I would move on, and now I am.. My question: Do I reply to her message? My ultimate goal is to get her back, so I don't want her to think I'm emotional and not over her if I don't reply, but on the other hand if I do reply I don't want to give her control and for her to think she can have me as a friend whilst simultaneously see this new guy (if she doesn't have any feelings) Don't respond, and stop making it your goal to get her back. Seriously, your emotions are amped up right now, but in the future you're going to hate yourself for behaving like this over a silly girl. Its just a girl. Keep telling yourself that. You have worlds to conquer, enemies to slay. This girl means nothing in the long run. They are all the same and you will always do better.
Survivor12 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 For crying out loud--SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!! First of all, you have no business seeing anyone else. You are still hung up on your ex--do you really want to be the kind of jerk who plays with people's emotions? Using someone to soothe your aching ego or to try to get your ex back is WRONG! As for your ex, yes, she texted you because she thinks it's safe now and is happy to hear that you are seeing someone else and believes that you have moved on. If she wanted you back, she wouldn't have asked if you could still be friends. Stop playing games & trying to find "which buttons to push". You're just causing yourself more grief. 2
jackny123 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 OP: You have got to stop this. Please. I was in a similar situation. It took me two and a half years to get over my ex. Initiate NC and stick to it. Occupy your mind and focus on yourself and your needs. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel. This girl has moved on with another man. Don't give your feelings to her anymore. I promise you this is another girl somewhere out there - maybe even ten minutes down the block from you - who will love you, give her body and soul to you and more. Harshly: You're doing this because you're afraid of the unknown. You'd rather be comfortable with a girl like this than totally cut the cord and find a new one. Find a new one. You'll do yourself a much better service in the long run. Please. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Update: My ex and I have been apart for 3 months now, she's been with her rebound for about 2 months. Although she denies it, I'm 100% sure he is a rebound since we share mutual friends and they all tell me it's going to be short-lived. We last spoke 2 weeks ago when I begged for her and told her I loved her, but she told me she was seeing this guy and we couldn't be together. She asked to be friends but I said no. Today: I've started casually seeing somebody, and today one of my mutual friends met up with my ex. He accidentally hinted that I was seeing this girl tonight and she started trying to get lots of info from him about it, but he said he couldn't say anything. 20-minutes later I get a text message from her saying "Can we be friends now?". It seems this has really sparked her interest. So there are two reasons she's texted me: a) Either she genuinely wants to be friends as thinks I've moved on now. b) She's feeling jealous as she never thought I would move on, and now I am.. My question: Do I reply to her message? My ultimate goal is to get her back, so I don't want her to think I'm emotional and not over her if I don't reply, but on the other hand if I do reply I don't want to give her control and for her to think she can have me as a friend whilst simultaneously see this new guy (if she doesn't have any feelings) This whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. Quit reading into everything. DONT talk to her for christ sakes. Put down the shovel, you already buried yourself. All you are doing now is looking dumb. 1
BC1980 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 So you're actually seeing someone else, but your ultimate goal is to get your ex back? That's so wrong. 1
Author benkaye Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 Considering that 1-month before we mutually decided to end it (because we were drifting) she was telling me how in love she was, how she wouldn't want to be with anybody else and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, it makes no sense that she able to find a new partner within a month and is now happily in a relationship with them? She was so interested in my life, my health, what I was upto etc, it seems illogical to me that she has no interest anymore and only cares about her new partner who she's been with for 3 months now. Granted, she's very needy and has rarely been single since she relies on a guy to be happy...but still how has she lost interest in ME, the one she adored. Please advise
Kitty278 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 hey there... I think it is really hard to have an explanation for this. Sometimes people say things for no big reason. She could have had a good day when she was making those big statements to you - could have been. They could have been genuine as well, for sure...but still, i see it with myself, throughout the day your mood can change so fast, you can make very different statements throughout a day. I do not want to kill your buzz, but try not too drive yourself crazy over it. The fact that she is already in a new relationship really hurts...i get that. I wouldnt try to find out more than you alread have about it...try to let it go, as hard as it sounds, think of yourself first, you will just be hurt...i wish you all the strength!! 1
FredJones80 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Considering that 1-month before we mutually decided to end it If it bothers you so much then I'd consider how "mutual" this was? 1
STM206 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Greener pastures. They just tend to forget that with the seasons, the grass eventually goes through a dry spell. Then they have to make the decision to either A.) To upkeep and nurture B.) Buy artificial grass and start all over. Seems that a lot of overlappers/relationship hoppers live for the honeymoon phase but then get lost when it's over, they don't know how to maintain an actual LTR. 4
Author benkaye Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 If it bothers you so much then I'd consider how "mutual" this was? In fact, it was more me that instigated it. I kind of lost interest in the relationship after we fought and broke up and got back a few times before. It wasn't until I had been single for a month that I realised I really loved her. I guess I was the one that had GIGS, and the irony is that she was the one that moved on. I 100% believe she was genuine when she said those things so it's illogical for me that people can just lose those feelings they held.
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