She's forgotten me so soon

[benkaye]

My ex-girlfriend and I (we are both 25) spent an amazing year together - we shared a huge amount with one another and had an extremely trusting and exciting sexual relationship. We broke up twice within this period (only for a few days) as we ended up having arguments to do her being too needy and me not paying her attention... each time however, she begged for me back and I let her back in. She was madly in love with me...

 

In the final few months of our relationship (4 amazing months), I grew fonder and fonder of her and fell further in love, but out of the blue she ended the relationship because I'd become the "perfect boyfriend" and she was scared that in the future I could fall back into my less needy-self. A week later she begged for me back and I let her back in. A few weeks later this happened for a SECOND time, but by this point I was so tired of her fickleness I had almost lost interest in her. Over the next few weeks she tried to make an effort with me as she really loved me, but my head just wasn't in it and we drifted apart until we both agreed it wasn't working anymore - this was 2.5 months ago.

 

During this final month where in which we drifted, we were BOTH changing jobs and making large transitions in our lives and I feel this caused us both to get distracted from one another and not pay each other the attention we deserved.

 

After a few weeks of being apart, I began to realise how important she was to me and my life, and I was truly in love with her. It took the other things in my life (work and stress) to settle down for me to begin to realise what I let go of. I decided to continue with NC in the hope she'd come back to me, and after 4 weeks she sent me a message asking how I was. As we share mutual best friends, I told one of my friends about my feelings for her and how she'd messaged me, and he told me to be careful because he'd found out she had started seeing somebody new. As a result, instead of playing it cool with her message, I freaked out and told her how much I loved her and couldn't believe she'd moved on. In hindsight this was a STUPID idea as that was probably my way in to re-court her.

 

She instantly retreated and told me our relationship was never meant to be, and how I was only doing this because I hadn't found a new girlfriend and was jealous of her. I begged once more and she raised her barrier further. I decided to go NC for another 4 weeks until we bumped into each other at a party. I played it cool and we started messaging as friends for the next few days - We met up for a casual lunch but she was very distant. I decided I couldn't do this to myself anymore so called her up one evening and declared my love for her. She told me we were never in love, how we weren't meant to be, and how she's really happy with her new partner (of 1.5 months). What struck me the most was how she seemed to have FORGOTTEN all the good times we had together, the amazing sexual chemistry, and most importantly, the 4 times she BEGGED for me back during our relationship and told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me... I told her we couldn't communicate anymore as I still loved her, she understood and we ended the conversation in a friendly manner...

 

The issue I have is that she started seeing her new partner within 3 weeks of our breakup and he is the COMPLETE opposite of me in both ethnicity, 10 years old, and is never somebody she could marry as I know she wouldn't feel comfortable introducing him to family. Nonetheless, it breaks my heart that she seems to have forgotten all about our relationship, and convinced herself we weren't right for each other, despite just 3 months ago she was begging for me. I'm sure she still has feelings for me (according to mutual friends), but it seems she's buried them deep inside her and is currently satisfied with her new flame.

 

I'd love her back and hope you guys can help - I'm sure some of you will say we aren't right for each other, but I don't believe that to be the case and would appreciate some advice. I don't want her to forget the amazing memories we had. It seems that all she remembers is the final month when we drifted apart and never saw each other but not the amazing 14 months before that.

Edited April 7, 2014 by benkaye

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, I know you don't want to hear this, but you gotta let this one go.

 

 

I mean, you're saying that you had the perfect relationship. But, lets be honest, if it was that perfect you wouldn't have broken up and gotten back together so many times. That should have clued you in right there!

 

 

Time to move on dude. Time to heal from this and make positive changes in your life. She's rebounding with this guy, but the fact is, she's with him and she's giving him everything she was giving you to prove to herself that she's making the right decision. Therefore, she has nothing left to give to you.

 

 

There are billions of people on this planet and a lot of them are girls. Time to find one that wants to be with you because she wants to. Your Ex already told you that she doesn't. Therefore, why would you want to be somewhere where you're not wanted?

[VeronicaRoss]

Your attitude toward her comes across as really arrogant. Your focus is how great you are, how needy she was. How she'd beg to have you take her back, and you generously agreeing. It hardly sounds like an equal relationship, or one of respect. You sound in love with your sex life and your power over her, you don't talk about her as a person at all.

 

I agree with her and applaud her courage and self-respect for finally getting away. She needs to leave you behind. And you need to find a woman that you respect as a human being.

[KaliLove]

She hasn't forgotten. She's just done with the back and forth.

 

If you really love her, leave her alone and let her be happy in her new relationship.

[ahthepain]

This sounds very complicated.

 

I know how you feel but you had so many signs that it wasn't perhaps to be.

 

My ex broke up with me after nearly three years, no real arguments and no break ups. One morning woke up after kissing me good night saying I love you with all heart and then bam we are over. Don't have any feelings for you what so ever.

 

Consider yourself lucky that you able to get away from this alot more painlessly compared to others.

[benkaye]

Your attitude toward her comes across as really arrogant. Your focus is how great you are, how needy she was. How she'd beg to have you take her back, and you generously agreeing. It hardly sounds like an equal relationship, or one of respect. You sound in love with your sex life and your power over her, you don't talk about her as a person at all.

 

I agree with her and applaud her courage and self-respect for finally getting away. She needs to leave you behind. And you need to find a woman that you respect as a human being.

 

I understand your point, and as I said, it's taken me time away from her to realise my mistakes and how important she was to my life. If I could do anything in the world to change it, honestly I would, but I was going through a stressful time in my life. Is there any way for reconciliation here? We share the same mutual best friends, so it's very tough.. she's asks about me, I ask about her and so on.

[Chi townD]

I understand your point, and as I said, it's taken me time away from her to realise my mistakes and how important she was to my life. If I could do anything in the world to change it, honestly I would, but I was going through a stressful time in my life. Is there any way for reconciliation here? We share the same mutual best friends, so it's very tough.. she's asks about me, I ask about her and so on.

 

 

 

 

Don't even read into that. She knows she hurt you and she knows you're hurting. So, she's just checking up on you. It's not an indication that she wants you back. She would just feel awful if you did something stupid.

 

 

Best bet? Tell your friend that you don't want to know anything about her.

 

 

If you haven't done it already, BLOCK YOUR EX ON FACEBOOK! Now that she knows that you know about her new man, then there's nothing to hide. She's going to be open about this relationship online and it will only be a matter of time before she starts posting pics of them together. So, block her and stop following her on all social media

[benkaye]

I appreciate your advice, but I know she has feelings deep down which I just need to "activate". We connected in a way she'd never connected with previous boyfriends, and the fact she was willing to fight for me so many times makes me realise just how in love she was with me.

 

Sometimes it takes some time apart to make you realise what you had, and it's made me realise just how in love with her I always was, I just had a funny way of showing it.

 

I'm 100% confident she is with a rebound (even though when I asked her she said it's not)... and they'll break up soon enough. I just need to trigger the emotional side of her that makes her realise the amazing time we had together... Begging didn't work unfortunately

[KaliLove]

Activate? So she's a robot whose emotions you and you alone can control?

[Chi townD]

I appreciate your advice, but I know she has feelings deep down which I just need to "activate". We connected in a way she'd never connected with previous boyfriends, and the fact she was willing to fight for me so many times makes me realise just how in love she was with me.

 

Sometimes it takes some time apart to make you realise what you had, and it's made me realise just how in love with her I always was, I just had a funny way of showing it.

 

I'm 100% confident she is with a rebound (even though when I asked her she said it's not)... and they'll break up soon enough. I just need to trigger the emotional side of her that makes her realise the amazing time we had together... Begging didn't work unfortunately

 

 

Wow...okay, good luck with that!

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Full marks for being honest. Many people who break up then generate overwhelming feelings of loss, of denial, of "but, we were meant to be!".

 

That said, I fear you delude yourself, to the extent you sound creepy.

You must take control of yourself, get a grip and stop obsessing.

 

Let her be, move on yourself. Don't be the crazy "oh, they will realise the error of their ways!" Ex. Or the tragic mopey one either. Move on - plenty more fish in the sea.

Edited April 8, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy

[mtnbiker3000]

No matter what you think, your RS was not unique or one-of-a-kind... Until you realize that you will never get over this...

[VeronicaRoss]

You are earnest and honest anyway.

 

You sound like you're from an Asian culture and I know there counseling and therapy is reserved for people who in the U.S. would be hospitalized. That's too bad because you really could use someone to help you understand what respect really means.

 

Is there any way in your culture to get coaching on relationships?

[benkaye]

I appreciate your advise to move on, and that there are "plenty more fish in the sea", but what if I am 100% sure she is the one for me? This certainly isn't my first relationship, and I've never felt like this about somebody before. We share a huge amount in common, have the same friends, live in the same area with the same interests and so on, and no one has made me feel the way she did.. and she would say the same to me when we were together.

 

We fought and begged for each other so many times, and we were adamant for our love for one another, there were just external events happening in our lives that caused us to behave in the ways that tore us apart. I'm truly confident these issues are now over and if she was to give me another chance, this relationship would re-blossom into something phenomenal...

 

I just can't shake it from my mind that "all" she remembers, or at least all she has "convinced herself" to remember is the final month when our relationship became toxic, and not the year we spent together, the holidays we went on and so on...

[pickflicker]

I appreciate your advise to move on, and that there are "plenty more fish in the sea", but what if I am 100% sure she is the one for me? This certainly isn't my first relationship, and I've never felt like this about somebody before. We share a huge amount in common, have the same friends, live in the same area with the same interests and so on, and no one has made me feel the way she did.. and she would say the same to me when we were together.

 

We fought and begged for each other so many times, and we were adamant for our love for one another, there were just external events happening in our lives that caused us to behave in the ways that tore us apart. I'm truly confident these issues are now over and if she was to give me another chance, this relationship would re-blossom into something phenomenal...

 

I just can't shake it from my mind that "all" she remembers, or at least all she has "convinced herself" to remember is the final month when our relationship became toxic, and not the year we spent together, the holidays we went on and so on...

 

Usually the person that is "the one" for you, feels the same way. If she's made it clear that it's not the case, then there's little you can do but see if she changes her mind.

 

I wouldn't wait too long, though.

[Strength in Healing]

I had this same mentality with my most recent ex. She jumped to a new relationship after 3 weeks as well, and moved in with the guy. He's screwed up big time, super religious etc. (sorry but some of the MOST crazy people on Earth are the overly religious, it is what it is).

 

I met up with her, she admitted she still had feelings for me but was happy with him. I know psychology a few steps too well, and saw things for what they were though. The guy is emotionally abusive, has gotten in her face because he thought her and me were cheating on him, etc...

 

Long story short, it doesn't matter. I know psychology better than most people know how to breathe, and that came from YEARS of studying the DSM, cases, behavior, etc... and even I could not get her back.

 

If you can somehow "activate" her feelings, I'll bow to you.

 

Trust me, trust me 100%, move on.

Edited April 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[KaliLove]

I appreciate your advise to move on, and that there are "plenty more fish in the sea", but what if I am 100% sure she is the one for me? This certainly isn't my first relationship, and I've never felt like this about somebody before. We share a huge amount in common, have the same friends, live in the same area with the same interests and so on, and no one has made me feel the way she did.. and she would say the same to me when we were together.

 

We fought and begged for each other so many times, and we were adamant for our love for one another, there were just external events happening in our lives that caused us to behave in the ways that tore us apart. I'm truly confident these issues are now over and if she was to give me another chance, this relationship would re-blossom into something phenomenal...

 

I just can't shake it from my mind that "all" she remembers, or at least all she has "convinced herself" to remember is the final month when our relationship became toxic, and not the year we spent together, the holidays we went on and so on...

 

You may be 100% sure about her, but she is clearly not 100% sure about you. It takes two to be in a relationship. If she doesn't want you, you can't have her.

[benkaye]

You may be 100% sure about her, but she is clearly not 100% sure about you. It takes two to be in a relationship. If she doesn't want you, you can't have her.

 

I guess I'm struggling to get over the fact that 2 months ago she was telling me she'd do anything to give us another try, that she loved me more than anybody in the world and that we were soul mates, and now just 2-months on she has the complete opposite view. I find it difficult to comprehend how feelings can change so quickly and so much.

[pickflicker]

I guess I'm struggling to get over the fact that 2 months ago she was telling me she'd do anything to give us another try, that she loved me more than anybody in the world and that we were soul mates, and now just 2-months on she has the complete opposite view. I find it difficult to comprehend how feelings can change so quickly and so much.

 

Because we can never be completely sure what a person means by their words, but we certainly can know what they mean by their actions.

 

It sounds really simple, and in my experience, it is that simple. For now, she's not interested. Which means you have to just let her be and see what happens.

 

I know this is much easier said than done, because it requires a complete rewiring in your brain of how you approach things. But this is how it is. Her actions, say that this is done for now.

[hoping2heal]

Ben,

 

You might not want to believe something and that still does not take away its truth.

 

You were together for four months, of which she was wishy-washy repeatedly. Then, she gets with someone else within 3 weeks of the break up. I am going to venture to say you have no idea what she has or hasn't ever felt or connected like with any previous boyfriends because so far the only consistency to her is that she is completely up in the air.

 

Find someone else you have "exciting" and amazing sex with and you'll be surprised at your perspective. It's like "this is the best ice cream flavor ever and I have to have it" ...no wait.. THIS is the best ice cream flavor..

 

I want some ice cream now:bunny:

[benkaye]

Ben,

 

You might not want to believe something and that still does not take away its truth.

 

You were together for four months, of which she was wishy-washy repeatedly. Then, she gets with someone else within 3 weeks of the break up. I am going to venture to say you have no idea what she has or hasn't ever felt or connected like with any previous boyfriends because so far the only consistency to her is that she is completely up in the air.

 

Find someone else you have "exciting" and amazing sex with and you'll be surprised at your perspective. It's like "this is the best ice cream flavor ever and I have to have it" ...no wait.. THIS is the best ice cream flavor..

 

I want some ice cream now:bunny:

 

Hey, we were together for 1.5 years, not 4 months. Although the breakup was mutual, I feel like she convinced herself afterwards we weren't right for each other, so my begging and pleading pushed her away further and enabled her to get closer to her new flame.. She said we could still be friends but I denied and said we could no longer talk to each other as I still loved her. I guess the positive is the last memory she has of us talking is me telling her I love her.

 

I've been NC for a few weeks now and going to continue to do so in the hope that a) I move on, and b) It may make her miss me after the honeymoon period with her new guy subsides... What do you reckon?

[Brutus]

I know how you feel bro, because I feel the same. I am 100% sure she is the one (or better, one of the few "ones" on this planet), that there won’t be anyone else who will make me feel like she did, that her feelings for me were strong and sincere, and yes, it is incredibly frustrating that external events made us grow apart with no one’s fault. Our breakup was not mutual, and we also live in different cities, which make everything more painful. But like you, my fear of losing her just pushed her further away. It hurts because you start thinking it could have been different, all that was avoidable and you could still be together. Don’t do this to yourself. You cannot change the past.

 

And yes, also my GF told me that she cannot live without me 4 days before leaving me. Sure, that hurts and we cannot make sense of how this can be possible. The way I explain it to myself is that often people, even when they do not love anymore, still feel very much "attached" to their partner, they try to persuade themselves (and the other) that it is still love.

 

Reality is difficult to accept, but you must. KaliLove was right, she may be the perfect person for you, but this has to be mutual. If she thinks you aren't anymore, there is nothing you can do. No matter how much you want to. Do not waste your energies after a person who does not want to be with you.

 

Good idea not to be friends, it would just prolong your suffering. But remember NC is about you, not her. Better not to build up any expectation. If she comes back, you’re lucky (maybe), if she doesn’t, you will have healed. Whatever happens, you will be in a win-win situation, while now you are in a lose-lose one.

[benkaye]

I know how you feel bro, because I feel the same. I am 100% sure she is the one (or better, one of the few "ones" on this planet), that there won’t be anyone else who will make me feel like she did, that her feelings for me were strong and sincere, and yes, it is incredibly frustrating that external events made us grow apart with no one’s fault. Our breakup was not mutual, and we also live in different cities, which make everything more painful. But like you, my fear of losing her just pushed her further away. It hurts because you start thinking it could have been different, all that was avoidable and you could still be together. Don’t do this to yourself. You cannot change the past.

 

And yes, also my GF told me that she cannot live without me 4 days before leaving me. Sure, that hurts and we cannot make sense of how this can be possible. The way I explain it to myself is that often people, even when they do not love anymore, still feel very much "attached" to their partner, they try to persuade themselves (and the other) that it is still love.

 

Reality is difficult to accept, but you must. KaliLove was right, she may be the perfect person for you, but this has to be mutual. If she thinks you aren't anymore, there is nothing you can do. No matter how much you want to. Do not waste your energies after a person who does not want to be with you.

 

Good idea not to be friends, it would just prolong your suffering. But remember NC is about you, not her. Better not to build up any expectation. If she comes back, you’re lucky (maybe), if she doesn’t, you will have healed. Whatever happens, you will be in a win-win situation, while now you are in a lose-lose one.

 

It's just so frustrating that women can put a guard up so quickly and convince themselves to move on and not look back. I know I was the man of her dreams, if only she'd take 5 minutes to look back and remember what we had

[soccerrprp]

It's just so frustrating that women can put a guard up so quickly and convince themselves to move on and not look back. I know I was the man of her dreams, if only she'd take 5 minutes to look back and remember what we had

 

It's not just women, men also quickly move on. I obviously don't know your gf and what she was thinking, but suspect that there was enough in her mind that made her think that the relationship was not as great as you thought. As soon as she found someone else that she felt was better, she left. So, for her, the relationship wasn't as solid as you felt.

 

Yes, words are important, but they MUST always be supported by action.

[Survivor12]

I appreciate your advice, but I know she has feelings deep down which I just need to "activate". We connected in a way she'd never connected with previous boyfriends, and the fact she was willing to fight for me so many times makes me realise just how in love she was with me.

 

Sometimes it takes some time apart to make you realise what you had, and it's made me realise just how in love with her I always was, I just had a funny way of showing it.

 

And, sometimes, it takes some time apart to make you realize that what you had wasn't what you wanted and needed after all...