Babolat Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I have been on 5 dates with a woman who I am starting to like. Based on some of her comments during our first couple of dates I can tell, especially when she was married, her social/economic class is different than mine. I am probably middle to upper class. She is/was proably upper upper class. She mentioned on our first date she is not looking to "marry up" or looking for a man with money. She was a lawyer for 20 years, so was her ex. My assumption is they did quite well based on where they lived, the private schools their kids are in and just little things I have picked up on. She walked away from law to persue a more rewarding career, one she now loves. My best guess is she walked away from 1/2+ of her income to make this change. She is self made, no family money, academic scholarships to undergrad and law school. She invited me to her house this weekend. I know the area. Million dollar homes. When iw alke dinto her home I was like "OMG". Amazingly beautful, amazing furinishings, 4000+ square feet, just a beautiful home. As much as I loved it I thought to myself "this is not me, will she be ok with that". I have a nice home, small, it suit me. I've never been embarrased to bring a woman to my home, actually excited. I'm thinking to myself "what will she think of my home?". She knows my neighborhood, however there is a much richer part to my neighborhodd so I'm wondering if she things that is where I live. I have not seen or heard anything from her that suggest "she needs a man who is well off". She does not show it, talk about it, etc. I have paid for all of our dates becasue I want to. She tried ot pay Saturday night but I would not let her. She later said she thought that was very chivalrous and she liked it. So, my queestion is "do I say anything" or, do I just keep quiet and let her figure it out for herself? I am literally nervous about inviting her to my home, like she will see it and be disappointed. I live n a nice upper middle class neighborhood, no where close to where she lives on the economic scale. This is a new thing to me. My last gf did not even have a job when I met her, no money, and could barely pay her bills. Prior gfs, without asking, I could tell where at or just below my economic level. Money has never been something I have ever thought about when dating, and I'm not sure I should even be thinking about it now.
Emilia Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I'd imagine she has a pretty clear idea of what to expect if she knows the area you live in, the car you drive, the clothes you wear, your job. 6
d0nnivain Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 She's dating you -- the man -- not your wallet. Don't mention it. Just be yourself. It will be fine. 5
carhill Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Turnabout. Invite her to your place for a casual daytime BBQ/dinner. See how it goes. After five dates I would presume there's a modicum of mutual interest. IMO, rather than analysis paralysis, just go with the flow. If you're not 'upper crust' enough for her, or she too affected for you, it'll become obvious soon. Enjoy the now and put assumptions out of your mind. 2
Author Babolat Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Unlike my past mess of a relationship. I'm not having analysis paralysis with her. I had some initial "OMGs", trigger from my past relationship, but saw something I wanted to explore, so I am letting myself explore. It's more a "hmmm" at this point. In fact, the more time I spend with her, the more she talks, shares her life story, past, present and future, the more I like her. My past mess of a relationship has left some scars, for sure, and I notice I have "triggers" from her that cause me to think "oh no, here we go again". Though I don't say anything, I listen and I am pleasantly pleased with who this woman really is as I let her show that to me. I am actually attracted to her financial success, her stability, her "hard work" story, her career change to walk away from big money for something she enjoyed more, (I did this too about 15 years ago), the amount of self work she has done over the past 3 years, her integrity, honesty, morals, her life story etc. The "money" does not concern me at all and it was my plan to roll with it and let her figure it out. My car is 14+ years old, I love it, it fits me, in it's day (when new) it was a high end expensive car. The first time she got in I opened her doo andr while walking around to the drivers side, she opened my door, which I loved, and she commented "I like your car". We got pretty intimate Saturday night and we both paused (I actually said we should "Pause" and she agreed), no sex, and agreed we wanted to take our time. She amazed me when she talked about this yesterday, why she paused; she said she was dying to have sex but she did not want to wake up the next day and be wondering "where do we stand now".
Author Babolat Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 I'd imagine she has a pretty clear idea of what to expect if she knows the area you live in, the car you drive, the clothes you wear, your job. Agreed, and I have not "sold" her any different. We actually dress the same and have talked about it. She has a hippie granola fashion style that I like, a lot. To meet her you would not know about her finances..she fits right in with my cricle of friends.
Author Babolat Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Turnabout. Invite her to your place for a casual daytime BBQ/dinner. See how it goes. After five dates I would presume there's a modicum of mutual interest. IMO, rather than analysis paralysis, just go with the flow. If you're not 'upper crust' enough for her, or she too affected for you, it'll become obvious soon. Enjoy the now and put assumptions out of your mind. Well said, and agreed. She is definitely interested, I can tell. I am more cautious, going slower, though this weekend I broke my "mold" after Saturday nights date and text her Sunday asking her if she wanted to meet for lunch. We ended up sepnding the entire day together, and then, had dinner! She is cautious, too, in a good way, I can tell.
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 She may have walked away from the big-money job, but her big-money lifestyle hasn't changed, has it? I mean, she could have pocketed and invested and got a lot of money from her ex. Her lifestyle expectations may not have changed at all. Anyhoo, I would just be yourself. Don't let the wealth trouble you or don't show it. Be yourself and hope she likes you for YOU and not your status. It's more about philosophical compatibility than anything else. My gf makes 3-4x more than I do, but our lifestyle is very moderated, so we are compatible. 1
Author Babolat Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 big-money lifestyle hasn't changed, has it? Her lifestyle expectations may not have changed at all. I have not seen or heard anything from her that suggests this. She seems down to earth, her house is not over the top, nor is her lifestyle from what I can tell. She has many projects she is working on in her house she chould easily pay a contrtactor to do, is my guess, but she choses to do them herself to learn, and maybe to save money. She mentioned wanting to remodel her kitchen and then said it's not the best place to spend money right now. We have done "simple" things; dinners, lunches, went to the ballet once, walks, hanging out at her house, etc. She works out and would not tell me where. She finally did last night. It''s the most expensive country club in our area, the initiation fee is over $100k. She has the membership from her marriage, and always will. It's one of those foo foo country clubs where once in, your in for life. She said she does not tell people because they will make assumptions about her for "being a member there". I liked that.
HappyLove Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Trust, as soon as you pulled up in a 14 yr old car and still continued to date you...I doubt she's about the money. It's probably a relief for her to date someone not all about the money. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Good luck. 1
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Trust, as soon as you pulled up in a 14 yr old car and still continued to date you...I doubt she's about the money. It's probably a relief for her to date someone not all about the money. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Good luck. Yeah. I agree with this. She's probably relieved that you are not like her husband. Be yourself and as long as you enjoy one another, don't try to be something else for her. I suspect you won't. 1
Bigcitydreamer Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Unlike my past mess of a relationship. I'm not having analysis paralysis with her. I had some initial "OMGs", trigger from my past relationship, but saw something I wanted to explore, so I am letting myself explore. It's more a "hmmm" at this point. In fact, the more time I spend with her, the more she talks, shares her life story, past, present and future, the more I like her. My past mess of a relationship has left some scars, for sure, and I notice I have "triggers" from her that cause me to think "oh no, here we go again". Though I don't say anything, I listen and I am pleasantly pleased with who this woman really is as I let her show that to me. I am actually attracted to her financial success, her stability, her "hard work" story, her career change to walk away from big money for something she enjoyed more, (I did this too about 15 years ago), the amount of self work she has done over the past 3 years, her integrity, honesty, morals, her life story etc. The "money" does not concern me at all and it was my plan to roll with it and let her figure it out. My car is 14+ years old, I love it, it fits me, in it's day (when new) it was a high end expensive car. The first time she got in I opened her doo andr while walking around to the drivers side, she opened my door, which I loved, and she commented "I like your car". We got pretty intimate Saturday night and we both paused (I actually said we should "Pause" and she agreed), no sex, and agreed we wanted to take our time. She amazed me when she talked about this yesterday, why she paused; she said she was dying to have sex but she did not want to wake up the next day and be wondering "where do we stand now". She sounds awfully great to me! Just go with it you may have lucked out I completely understand the feelings that you might feel a bit concerned about the difference in incomes- I've been there, I've had exes who made way more money and I've thought about those things too so it's not even a gender issue (not that you said it was ) Those feelings are normal and in time they will fade and you may get to experience a relationship with a woman who has her sh*t together by the sounds of it! 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 This is a new thing to me. My last gf did not even have a job when I met her, no money, and could barely pay her bills. Prior gfs, without asking, I could tell where at or just below my economic level. Money has never been something I have ever thought about when dating, and I'm not sure I should even be thinking about it now. See? Us gals who have their life in order can't win can we? Now there is a woman you seem to like who happens to have a financially comfy life style. Which means you won't have to support her = from that point of you life will be easy with her. She does not seem to care about your income so enjoy the ride. I'm sure she is no fool so she must be aware of the fact that she is very well off. If it is not a problem for her then don't make it a problem. 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Babolat, in this time and age it can happen that a woman has more money than the man she dates. As long as the difference is not so big that one of the two needs to seriously change his/her life style that should not be a problem. You don't have the same level of wealth she has but you have a house, you have a car, you can take her out for dinner,... It's not like you are a hobo. 1
katinlc Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I'm in this same boat, but on the woman's side (although not as well off as this lady sounds). I have spent the last few years working hard on my career and I have a great job, highly educated, and have things together. Most of the men I have dated in the last bit, I know I make more money than they do. Does it bother me - no! I want the guy I date to have a decent job and make a decent living, but part of the reason I worked so hard on my career is so I can take care of myself and don't have to worry about a man doing it. This allows me to date who I want and not have to worry about can they support me, blah, blah, blah. So if she's anything like me, the money is not a big deal as long as you work hard, have a decent living and aren't looking to sponge off her, then she's probably just happy to be with you! 1
RedRobin Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 You have known her for two weeks or thereabouts? Piling up lots of dates in a short period creates a sense of false intimacy. I think you are getting ahead of yourself a little with these concerns. My observation is that a person's true self doesn't begin to emerge for at least a month...usually two. If she continued to see you past a couple of dates.. She likely doesn't care about the guys money. Still... She could be over her eyeballs in debt. You don't know. Just take some time to get to know her. Stop counting the number of dates too. It isn't a race.
Author Babolat Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) You have known her for two weeks or thereabouts? Piling up lots of dates in a short period creates a sense of false intimacy. I think you are getting ahead of yourself a little with these concerns. My observation is that a person's true self doesn't begin to emerge for at least a month...usually two. If she continued to see you past a couple of dates.. She likely doesn't care about the guys money. Still... She could be over her eyeballs in debt. You don't know. Just take some time to get to know her. Stop counting the number of dates too. It isn't a race. Agreed it's not a race. Agreed, go slow. Agreed with the false intimacy. Piling up a lot of dates in a short period of time is something I have worked hard to not do in the past. Agreed on when the true self starts to emerge, which is why I am just going with it and paying close attention to how I feel, and what I hear and see. I was almost quick to dismiss her as I thought she was too extrovereted for me. I'm not counting dates; I only say it on LS for context. I am going slow, with the exception of Saturday and Sunday. We had over a week between dates on Saturday, and I will not see here for over a week now as she has her kids; a good time to pause. We saw each other Saturday night, I woke up Sunday, fought the urge to invite her to lunch, rather I let myself "be authentic" and let the just go with it side come out; turns out we had an amazing day together. She's been talking about this a lot too. Being authentic to herself, doing what she feels versus what she thinks she should do or what others say she should do. Yesterday, she talked to me about Saturday night where things got pretty intimate/heated and I suggeted we pause. She said she wanted to sleep with me badly, but something in her gut said No, so she listened to it. It was the same for me and I felt that from her Saturday night. She said when she woke up Sunday she did not want to be questioning herself or worrying about "where are we now?". She wants to be clear where we are prior; as do I. I'm in no rush to sleep with her. She has talked about "doing what she thought she was supposed to do" all of her life (grad school, becoming a lawyer, marrying a lawyer, etc) and that now she feels the best she has in her whole life as she is doing what she wants to do and being authentic. She has done a lot of self work to figure out why her relationships did not work, why she has made the decisions she has made. and I'm impressed. She even said she invited me over to her house and then questioned herself (is it too soon, I don't raly know him, what if....), and thought "this I what I want to do, it feels natural to invite him over, I want him to see who I am" Edited April 7, 2014 by Babolat
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Agreed it's not a race. Agreed, go slow. Agreed with the false intimacy. Piling up a lot of dates in a short period of time is something I have worked hard to not do in the past. Agreed on when the true self starts to emerge, which is why I am just going with it and paying close attention to how I feel, and what I hear and see. I was almost quick to dismiss her as I thought she was too extrovereted for me. I'm not counting dates; I only say it on LS for context. I am going slow, with the exception of Saturday and Sunday. We had over a week between dates on Saturday, and I will not see here for over a week now as she has her kids; a good time to pause. We saw each other Saturday night, I woke up Sunday, fought the urge to invite her to lunch, rather I let myself "be authentic" and let the just go with it side come out; turns out we had an amazing day together. She's been talking about this a lot too. Being authentic to herself, doing what she feels versus what she thinks she should do or what others say she should do. Yesterday, she talked to me about Saturday night where things got pretty intimate/heated and I suggeted we pause. She said she wanted to sleep with me badly, but something in her gut said No, so she listened to it. It was the same for me and I felt that from her Saturday night. She said when she woke up Sunday she did not want to be questioning herself or worrying about "where are we now?". She wants to be clear where we are prior; as do I. I'm in no rush to sleep with her. She has talked about "doing what she thought she was supposed to do" all of her life (grad school, becoming a lawyer, marrying a lawyer, etc) and that now she feels the best she has in her whole life as she is doing what she wants to do and being authentic. She has done a lot of self work to figure out why her relationships did not work, why she has made the decisions she has made. and I'm impressed. She even said she invited me over to her house and then questioned herself (is it too soon, I don't raly know him, what if....), and thought "this I what I want to do, it feels natural to invite him over, I want him to see who I am" All sounds good. Keep a level head and let her reveal herself in her way, speed.
Author Babolat Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 All sounds good. Keep a level head and let her reveal herself in her way, speed. Thanks! Good to hear the feedback on the economic difference is how I felt, too. My best guess is at this point in her career, we are the "same" level. She does not present herself as a high maintenace, socialite,"I need a man with money" to take care of me type. I think it's a been there done that I am now being autthentic to myself. Last night she told me she has spent her life letting men "chose" her, meaning she's never asked a man on a date. She also commented that she now realizes she has spent too much time with the wrong type because it felt like the right thing to do, that she has adapted a lot in past relationships. She "found" me on the dating site, she messaged me first and I have noticed some assertiveness, which I kind of misinterpreted, but having heard her say this it makes sense now, and I like it. And yes, I want to just "go with it", feel and see where it goes. She said the same.
Phantom888 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 If you like her enough, keep dating her. My fiancee is the first woman I ever dated who makes more money than me. Now we are both in her Beverly Hills apartment, and I feel glad that she is capable and not expecting me to support her. This is a real change for me, and I am grateful. 1
Author Babolat Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 If you like her enough, keep dating her. My fiancee is the first woman I ever dated who makes more money than me. Now we are both in her Beverly Hills apartment, and I feel glad that she is capable and not expecting me to support her. This is a real change for me, and I am grateful. I would not say we are dating at this point. I like her, still going slow, taking lots of temperature checks a long the way, trying to go with the flow. It's a change for me, too. Heck, my last gf did not have a job the first 5 months we dated, no home, was living with friends, and no money at all other than weekly unemployment checks. I don't think her current income far exceeds mine, if at all. My guess is from her divorce and her previous career as an attorney she has "banked" some dough though. I let her get the tab for pizza and a salad the other night!
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