asd87 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 We have been together for about 3.5 years now and things have been great, until we both graduated and "real life" set in. I am now a 2nd year grad student and she is working a part time retail job since she graduated. Since I graduated first, I had to choose a graduate program before she got a job and am now stuck here for the next 3 years. Unfortunately, she ended up getting a job offer 2000 miles away right before she graduated, leaving her with the choice of me or the job...she moved in with me 3 weeks later. Now we have been living together for about a year and she has been turned down at every interview and is working about 20 hours/week at a retail store. She is depressed, I come home almost every day to find her on the couch watching hours upon hours of Netflix. She hasnt even applied to a job in over a month. I try to encourage her that on average it takes many months to land your first job, but she just lashes back at me. While I recognize that it will be extremely difficult for her to find a job in a particular city without any connections, not applying is a guaranteed no. Likely drawing from this depression, she has become rather unwilling to do anything with me. We used to go to the gym, go for runs, bike rides, go out with friends, but now she just sits and says that shes too tired. She hasnt gone out with me in about a month. I originally fell in love with her for her motivation and enthusiasm about everything she did. Whether it was training for the cycling team, getting an internship, or even just making dinner, everything was worth doing and worth doing to the highest level possible. She has completely changed in this regard and it is really straining my patience and making me question whether I can continue with this. For the past few months I have found myself staying late at the lab or going out with friends after work for the sole purpose of not having to go home to see her sit on the couch. Also discouraging is our sex life. As two people in their early 20's we went from having sex 5+ times per week to me basically begging her to have sex 2-3 times per month. When she is willing she often prefaces with "ok, you can have sex with me now" like it is just an obligatory role, but she has no interest. More often, I simply get "Im too tired to have sex". So you'd say, 'ok, you're are in your early 20s, in a new city, at a new school, put an end to this and find someone else'. This has been the subject of many hours per day of thought for the past few months. Unfortunately, I do really care for her and dont know what she would do. She has no friends or family within 800 miles, is completely broke, and has no job. As a grad student, I am not really able to help her financially and continue to pay all of my rent after she would leave. Her only option would be to pack up her things and drive 1000 miles to her parents house by herself. At the same time, while I feel mainly logistics are holding me back from just ending it, I cannot help but wonder what if we get through this and she gets a job soon. Will things go back to how they were before? Any advice?
happywithlife Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Sounds like your girlfriend has major depression. There is nothing you can do for her at this point except: Tell her you are worried about her. Tell her why (what you wrote here). And then tell her that you would like to see her get help with a professional. She can go to her family dr and then be referred if necessary to a psychologist. Major depression is serious. If she refuses, call her family and explain your worries to them. Your relationship will not get any better until she does.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Yea she's depressed and its not really difficult to see the reasons why.. she's always done everything to the best of her ability and now it probably feels like no one wants to take a chance on her... she needs to see a doctor x 1
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Sorry man. Unfortunately, she ended up getting a job offer 2000 miles away right before she graduated, leaving her with the choice of me or the job...she moved in with me 3 weeks later. Why wasn't a LDR an option if the two of you were so into each other? She sacrificed a potential career to stay in a college town? Are the job prospects as good there for someone like her and her background? Yup, definitely depressed. As others have said, she needs to see a doctor. Does she have insurance? Or is that something else that wasn't thought through? 4
HappyLove Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Always take the job ladies because now she will have no job and no man. You should encourage her to apply out of state. Let her know you'll still be there for her and you can have a LDR until you both can find a job in the same place. Don't know how skilled the position is but the worst you can do is go too long without having a job then not many company's will take a chance on you. 3
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 OP, is there a larger job market nearby? I'm assuming that you are in a smaller college town, but is there a way for her to expand her job search to a larger, no-too far metropolitan area? You should also encourage that. She may have to move for it, but perhaps it's not 2000 miles away. If not too far, would you consider a LDR?
Author asd87 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) We are now in Boston, so not exactly a "college town", but nonetheless, limiting your job search to a single city, especially without much experience does not help. The year prior to moving here, I was living in France for 6 months, then we had a few months together and then she moved to San Diego for 4 months for an internship, so neither of us were wanting to continue that way of life any longer. Insurance is a problem. While she is still on her mom's plan, it is very limited and has a $5,000 deductible. So basically, unless something catastrophic happens, she is paying out of pocket. I have asked if she could see someone on campus, but since we are not married, the school will not provide that service. I would love to be able to help, but I am currently paying all of our expenses minus food which is about all she can afford, so I am tapped out. This has been a problem for about 6 months now. I feel like I cant abandon her, but at the same time, I dont know how to help and its dragging. Edited April 7, 2014 by asd87
hasaquestion Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 We are now in Boston, so not exactly a "college town", but nonetheless, limiting your job search to a single city, especially without much experience does not help. The year prior to moving here, I was living in France for 6 months, then we had a few months together and then she moved to San Diego for 4 months for an internship, so neither of us were wanting to continue that way of life any longer. Insurance is a problem. While she is still on her mom's plan, it is very limited and has a $5,000 deductible. So basically, unless something catastrophic happens, she is paying out of pocket. I have asked if she could see someone on campus, but since we are not married, the school will not provide that service. I would love to be able to help, but I am currently paying all of our expenses minus food which is about all she can afford, so I am tapped out. This has been a problem for about 6 months now. I feel like I cant abandon her, but at the same time, I dont know how to help and its dragging. Boston is a pretty good place to be looking for a job. I live here. What kind of jobs are you looking for here? Will anything do?
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 We are now in Boston, so not exactly a "college town", but nonetheless, limiting your job search to a single city, especially without much experience does not help. The year prior to moving here, I was living in France for 6 months, then we had a few months together and then she moved to San Diego for 4 months for an internship, so neither of us were wanting to continue that way of life any longer. Insurance is a problem. While she is still on her mom's plan, it is very limited and has a $5,000 deductible. So basically, unless something catastrophic happens, she is paying out of pocket. I have asked if she could see someone on campus, but since we are not married, the school will not provide that service. I would love to be able to help, but I am currently paying all of our expenses minus food which is about all she can afford, so I am tapped out. This has been a problem for about 6 months now. I feel like I cant abandon her, but at the same time, I dont know how to help and its dragging. Okay. What is she looking for? What is her background? Like earlier post, is anything okay for now? Any related-FT position? Sometimes, when just out of the blocks, young people feel that the ONLY option is something that they studied in college and anything else is failure. Is she looking for positions that are similar or will simply help her gain the work experience or even venturing outside of the box (her degree)?
Author asd87 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 She's a math major, so she has lots of options. However she is struggling with the idea of moving outside of business analysis. For instance if I mention finance, management, or biostat options, she immediately shoots them down and says that she's not at all qualified. Granted her GPA was not the best so that limits some options but it's not going to keep her from getting a job. It did not help that she got turned down for a promotion to team lead at her retail store for someone without a degree who had been there for 4 years. Seems to have solidified the idea that you need specific relevant experience to get a job. Nor does it help that all of my friends and her friends from college are employed or graduate students in their field of study, so she feels like she's the only one to be in this situation. I have taken time to sit down with her an look for jobs and I find plenty of postings, but very few that meet all of her criteria.
TheGuard13 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Sounds like its probably a combination of things. Is it possible that she feels she is unqualified for certain types of jobs because she HAS applied to them and has already been turned down? I jobhunted for two years. It was incredibly stressful and depressing. And I went through whole periods, weeks at a time, where I didn't put in any applications simply because what was out here either wasn't better than what I was doing part time, or because those companies had already rejected me, or because I simply couldn't bring myself to do so. It takes mental strength to face the possibility of rejection, and after a while you are just drained for a bit. It took me a while to learn that companies right now are moving incredibly slowly through their hiring processes and that sometimes it's a matter of second, third rounds through the application process before you get an interview. And it takes a long time. A year or more of jobhunting, to find a really good job, isn't out of the ordinary these days. Talk to her, tell her your concerns. She ultimately has to make her own decisions. 1
Standard-Fare Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I think the big question is: Are you already done with her at this point, or are you willing to stick with her for a while longer if she works on things? Your tone suggests you might be in the "already done" camp, if not very close to it. If that's the case, it's not worth pretending you're going to be there holding her hand and supporting her while she works all of this out. It would be best to lay down the truth, tell her things have become unbearable and encourage her to go out on her own and figure out what she needs to do in life. Honestly, this may be the best path for her, since she seems to be using your relationship and your shared apartment as a sort of security blanket. Without it, she's going to have to get resourceful and learn how to stand on her own two feet. However, if you ARE willing to stick with her, you need to be firm in insisting that she gets help (counseling and/or meds -- financed by her family if necessary) and actively working toward moving out of her rut.
TXGuy Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Well, I'll throw this option out there since no one else has (standard fare kind of hinted at it... One option is to tell her to get a job and start contributing or get out. If the gender roles of your story were reversed, well over half of the responded would be telling the woman to kick you out. You are not doing her any good enabling her and letting her bring you down financially and emotionally. If she is not taking concrete steps to improve her situation show her the door. 1
Author asd87 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 I think that is where I am personally stuck. Part of me believes this is just a temporary phase. She's bound to get a job eventually and then she'll bounce back and we will both look forward to being together and resume where we were before. We have a lot of similar interests, normally we are both driven, energetic people, and we really enjoy each others company. We've been through hard times before when we were apart, and always made it. All of our college friends also thought we were great together. After all, I do love her. However, a good portion of me is getting sick of this routine. Part of this is just me being selfish, part is serious concern that this may be a long term trend. As a PhD student, I work 7 days per week, and do not work normal hours. I am motivated to excel at what I do; it is my professional passion and I have an amazing opportunity to make advances in the field. Coming home to spend those few hours away from my work to someone sitting on the couch and complaining is not helping with the stress in my professional life. I want to come home to someone excited to see me, excited to talk about our days, and wanting to spend time with me. Instead, I come home and often just end up on my computer while she sits in the other room chain watching Netflix re-runs. Knowing that she has that tenancy worries me. Will this be a recurring cycle? Is this just her being lazy because I can *afford to take care of both of us? Will this laziness continue when I graduate and make significantly more money? And then there is a little guilt. After all, she gave up a job to be with me and is now broke, has severely limited her job search, and moved to a city where she has no friends and currently very limited means of making any. There is definitely a part of me that wishes we could take a short break to sort things out. For me to be sure that I can't live without her, and for her to prioritize her career. Unfortunately, as she has no money and no where else to stay, that is not a possibility.
Standard-Fare Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 From what you're saying here, it sounds like it would be premature to call things off right now. But it's high time for a really honest conversation about what's going on. This problem is of course bigger than you. No one is feeling this depression more than she is. Deep down she knows she needs to make some changes. Have a conversation about what those changes might be and whether they're something you can go through together.
endlessabyss Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) If you truly think there is something between the two of you, I would support her. Have some empathy, and see things from her perspective. Unemployment is one of the most difficult things to deal with, and it is extremely high for people in her age bracket. Furthermore, employment is way more difficult to find if you don't have a good social network as well. Social network, in most cases, is more important than the degree itself. Seems like she doesn't have that element. Why disregard her in times of struggle? You do know that if you ever plan to get married, something like this will eventually happen. What will you do than? Divorce your wife? Since she only has a BA, things will be pretty difficult for her. BA's now of days hurt you more than help. Too qualified for menial jobs, under qualified for a profession. Talk to her and see if she thinks her family would be able to help more than you can. I wouldn't just kick her out though. She's trying, believe me. Unemployment and depression are a struggle, and the depression is not going to ease until she finds a job, or gets back in school. She doesn't have any money to do any hobbies, or to just enjoy life in general. That with no routine and progress is crippling. She's essentially a prisoner. Edited April 7, 2014 by endlessabyss 1
ThatMan Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) I don't know. I think there's already a large abundance of unhappy marriages that stick it out because of obligations. I'm not sure anyone would enjoy being in this position. Being unhappy in a relationship isn't going to magically change because of commitments. If anything it feels like being trapped to go around in life believing you're responsible and that you need to suffer through it because it's all you're fault for inviting her to move in. But it isn't your fault. She's made willing decisions of her own accord. Is she making an effort? Trying would include... Going outside to sit alone on a park bench in the early spring. Volunteering maybe one or twice a month for a few hours. Inquiring within local community health centers such as Brookline for ideas. Sending at least eight applications a day minimum. Compassion can be good or crippling. There's a clear-cut line between being supportive or enabling. She's free to make her own decisions without facing one single consequence for them. There's practically no incentive for her to do something about the current state of affairs. She's actively choosing to piss away each day on Netflix. Choosing to be alone inside a room all day is bad for your health. If she's going to be alone then she might as well be alone in someplace else. She could literally choose to be alone in a library for couple of hours. But she has never bothered, right? Probably because you're enabling her. If you're both unhappy then you'll continue to be unhappy regardless of whether or not you try to appease her. Sometimes certain people put up with these things because it's the only way they know to deal with the situation. But behaving this way isn't helpful or compassionate. I would investigate each and every single possible option she has available to willingly select from. Create a detailed list, figure out how to support her in any of those decisions, and tell her that she needs to do something or she's out. You can start by looking into the medical route such as community health centers in Boston. She has to be willing to help herself and there's nothing you can do being available to encourage her in making improvements. Edited April 7, 2014 by ThatMan 1
theediblewoman Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Yikes! I feel for her,not a fun situation to be in. I graduated with a BA in French...so trust me I understand the pain of job searching, especially considering my degree is essentially useless..haha. Like others have said, it's time for an honest conversation, 6 months is a long time to be in that state. Tell her everything you are struggling with,but really emphasize that you want to help and that you believe in her. I was having bad luck too when searching and then I went to a youth employment agency, they helped me rework my resume and give me tips to be more employable (including being a bit more open minded about the jobs I was looking for). I ended up getting a job that pays decently although not in my field. I think it would be good for to get outside help because suggestion may not be well received because chances are she probably resents you a bit(or a lot) because she missed out on the job for you (not saying this is your fault,people make their choices in life).
MissBee Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) Sorry man. Why wasn't a LDR an option if the two of you were so into each other? She sacrificed a potential career to stay in a college town? Are the job prospects as good there for someone like her and her background? Yup, definitely depressed. As others have said, she needs to see a doctor. Does she have insurance? Or is that something else that wasn't thought through? I also found it alarming and not wise to choose to move in with a boyfriend, not even fiance or husband, instead of furthering your career. I get being in love but this wasn't a wise choice, as now the relationship she chose over the career is suffering anyway because she has no career. Now, she may even be resenting you OP, as she may be thinking she stayed "for you" and this is what she gets. I also get that you may also feel guilty because of this as well. I think you should talk to her about her mental health, say you're worried about her and suggest perhaps seeing someone. Also, consider telling her you understand her feelings, talk about knowing she sacrificed her career to be with you and tell her you care about her being fulfilled and happy and how about exploring applying to jobs outside of your city and potentially being open to an LDR. It's worth a shot. But I can only imagine how she must feel. Which should be a lesson to any woman (or man) planning to up and move (or stay) with a bf/gf and turn down a job, with no other prospects on the horizon, no family, no friends, nothing in that city, but just the bf/gf as your support and cushion. Edited April 8, 2014 by MissBee 2
Author asd87 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 There is definitely some resentment which makes it really hard to give constructive criticism or encourage her to refocus some of her energy to finding a job. Whenever I find her job postings or bring up the subject, I often get "You have never even applied for a job", "You don't know what they are looking for", or "You'll never understand what its like to have to find a job". Granted I know very little about corporate America, but it makes it really hard to sit down and have a serious conversation about the situation when she keeps firing these remarks back at me. It is true that I have never applied for a job and I got many offers to PhD programs. It makes it very hard to relate and I am sure that the discrepancy in our experiences comes off, at least to some extent, as unsympathetic and condescending. It's very challenging.
veggirl Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Regarding the job search, have her register with a temp agency if she hasn't. It can lead to perma positions.
atlg8r Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I would never advise someone to stay in a relationship purely due to logistics. I did it for two months, and it was miserable. I could not WAIT until I had my own place and was out of that miserable situation. It's also not fair to her if the only reason you're not ending it is because you can't afford to pay rent on your own. You can't make her get help for depression or whatever else it is she's dealing with. And, honestly, do you really want to be with someone who gives up when things get a little tough?
Recommended Posts