Steelheader Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 It's been 21 years of marriage for my wife and I, and she told me this weekend it's over. I am in total disbelief and cannot fathom this breakup. I love her soooo much I can't stand thinking about her not being around. My birthday is tomorrow and this is the worst one I have ever had. The kicker to me is that I am not an abusive husband, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and I am always here for her and my daughters. She says she has no more feelings for me and that she needs to be independant form me. She has even stated to me and others, "I can't stand to be near him anymore." As you can tell this is tearing me apart insde. It's been over 23 years since I have had my heart broken and forgot that it hurts this bad. For 3 days now, I have been trying to get over this hurt and can't seem to do it. I have cried myself to sleep for 3 nights now and can't stand it any more. Don't worry, I'm not a danger to myself or others, it just hurts too damn bad right now. The reason she says she is leaving is because she cannot put up with my procrastination any longer in our relationship. She has found a place for her and our youngest daughter and is planning on moving out this next week or two. I have tried to get her to participate in counseling for the both of us, twice over the past 10 years and she refused. I attempted to get her to at least try before we go this far with the break up and she is adamantly against seeing a counselor. I will do whatever it takes to keep her, but she is set on getting out on her own. Is there anything anyone can suggest at this point? It seems to me that I have known many women in the 38-42 Y/O range that have done this to their husbands. And every one has tried to get back with their husbands after they have "sown their oats." Not one of them were successful at getting back together and said it was a big mistake to leave their husbands. I know this is a mistake for her too, but cannot make her realize it. She just says, "If it is a mistake, then I will just learn how to live with it." How many couples have you seen separate and then make a successful relationship (get together) with each other? I have known many in my 41 years and none have remained married. They always found another person while dating. I told her that if she does begin dating, I cannot be able to carry on our relationship as husband and wife anymore. She told me if that is what happens, I have no control over it, and so be it....More to come when I am not so upset as I am right now.
quankanne Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 in what way are you procrastinating? does she understand that counselling is your way of trying to keep the communication open (or improved) between the two of you? I hate to say it, but I think her mind is set, especially if she's adamant about staying away from joint counselling and doing her own thing. However, you still should look into it for yourself, to help you better cope with this break up ...
EIN Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 get yourself on Oprah and Dr.Phil. Let the world know how she has hurt you in a way that I am feeling it just by reading your post. If anyone can change a woman's mind, its Oprah.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Steelheader, I'm so sorry for you man. I just had a breakup from a shorter relationship and it hurt so badly - no eating, sleeping etc. I can only imagine the depth of your pain. Sorry. I know that now may not be a good time for advice, but here is some advice that I wish I had had on the day my girl left. It's something written by someone in your position, revised a few times with comments from people on the site. It's really good - I think it could have saved my relationship and it definitely would have helped me feel better more quickly. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54435/ Keep us posted as things develop. We feel for you.
in love and lonely Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 I know exactly what you are going thru. My wife is doing the same to me at this time and has been thinking about it for almost a year. Look back over the past and you can now see that there were signs that you missed pointing to her not being happy. I am in this right now and at first I thought I did the damage by having a one night stand and she blamed me for the problems based on this but now the real truth is coming out and she is the one that had an affair and is still with that one person. I know you have probably heard this but time heals and take it from me it does, get a back bone and maybe even get a little angry about the situation and it will get better. And yes maybe after she has found herself and found that the grass is not greener and basically life is what you make of life that if you both work at it you can get to a better place because you do not want to get back to where you were. But remember to take care of your self because that is all you can control at this time, workout do something good for yourself and in a short time positive will again flow into your life. And trust me, it has taken many a sleepless night to get to this point in my situation, and it will with you, just leave a little hope and with some luck we can both have what is so close to us.
Author Steelheader Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 At this time all I can say is thanks for the responses so far. I will post again later today. Right now things are not looking very good at all. Today whe will be checking on the house for her and my daughter. It looks like she will be leaving this coming weekend.
Author Steelheader Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Thanks again for everyone's input. The latest is...She is going to be moving out on her own. The house she was looking at is too expensive for her/us to afford while holding down 2 households. So she is waiting for an apartment to open up in a complex here in town. In her defense, she has brought to light alot of things about me that drove her away. Things I never knew had bothered her so much. But after reflecting upon her views of the treatment I have given her for the past 21 years, it makes sense. The bad thing is, I didn't realize that it was affecting her in such a negative fashion. The details are too long to go into at this point. People have told me not to get into the "guilt phase" and start blaming everything on myself, because it takes two to make a marriage, and two to break a marriage. This is true, however, after listening to her the past few days, she has made alot of valid points about our relationship. Points that I do not have a basis to argue against. Some of the points I was aware of, but chose to bury my head in the sand and hope that the problems would go away. BIG MISTAKE folks. For future reference, do not bury your heads. Confront the problems at the start and they will not snowball on you. A very hard lesson learned on my part. She told me the signs she has been throwing my way for the past couple of years and I never paid attention to those indicators. Once again, the details are too long to go into at this point. I have seen inside of myself these past few days and grown considerably. There were behaviors that I exhibited that I will never do again. There are things that I said in jest that I will never say agian...To anyone. I never realized the damage the tongue can do to the one you love, even when it was in jest. I didn't realize that some of the things I said were just plain awful to my wife. But at the time that I had said, and did the things I had done, I had absolutlely no clue that I was damaging her self esteem and hurting her feelings. Growing up the eldest of three boys in Baltimore, MD does not make me a very sensitive guy. I lacked sensitivity and respect towards my wife. When she put things into perspective and asked me to place the shoe on the other foot, I finally realized what I have been doing to her for these many years. It wasn't pretty. As a matter of fact, it was down right UGLY. I assured her that I had never said, or did the things that hurt her with intention to cause her pain. But now after reflecting upon this situation, I have seen and understand how I did drive her away from me. I have assured her that I have changed considerably in the past 5 days. I have grown and matured more than I would have cared to, but it is good for me and hopefully there will still be an us in the future. Although that is still not looking good at this point. She told me that people cannot change that dramatically is such a short time. Well....When you realize what you have done and the light bulb finally glows, you can change. And yes it can be that dramatic and that short. This has been enlightening to say the least. More to come...
polycube Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 not to sound negative man...but it sounds like its done....I know when i was in your position i was searching on these forums for the secret answer but there isnt any... if she is already this far into moving out then either she 1. has her mind set..and its done with, or 2. she has someone else and its done with anyways. i just now after 4 months learned the reason my woman left was because of another man. dont beat yourself up..im sure you did alot of BAD things but im sure she has as well. you can learn from this and move on.. sorry to sound so negative..just being realistic..
Frank Answers Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 OK, she told you she was leaving because she can't stand being around you anymore---that hurts. Can you change to a point where she will find you acceptable and stay with you, or come back to you? Do you want a relationship with a woman who just finds you acceptable? I would think not. You hurt. You're humiliated. You feel guilty. You want to make it work and get things back to the way they were. All normal feelings. Read on. Get over it and move on because you don't want her back. She'll never respect you again. She'll never be happy with you. She will only regret returning to you and will eventually resent you even more. You can't change in such a short time, and neither can she. This type of relationship salvation will only result in your wife performing sexual favors for every guy she finds attractive, providing she has the opportunity. It will be casual and carefree sex because it will be more humiliating for you when you find out. She will begin enjoying the excitement of provocative contacts with men close to you, possibly during social gatherings you both attend. She may "disappear" for a short period of time only to provide brief sexual gratification for someone else because it will provide her with a feeling of euphoria and satisfaction to return to your company knowing she has just sexually gratified another in a manner she would not do for you, her husband. This behavior is termed grudge, or revenge sex. It is designed to humiliate and degrade you in the eyes of others who would ordinarily respect you. Neighbors, co-workers, friends, and even relatives are not safe from her seductive tactics. I could be wrong and she will love you like she never did before, be trustworthy, respectful of you feelings, committed to you and your goals, supportive when you need comfort and care. Do you think? Say good riddance and stay away, don't submit yourself to this potential humiliation. The relationship is over. She told you so. Let it be over, move on, let your love die for her. You will find another who will be more appreciative of you, without the baggage of a prior failed relationship.
Author Steelheader Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 Thanks for the relpies folks. They are appreciated. Things are up in the air now. We went out this past weekend and did abit of dancing and enjoyed each other's company. The ice is beginning to thaw some and she is not nearly as cold toward me as she was 1 1/2 weeks ago. We both "talk" to each other now instead of arguing. That's a really good plus. She is undecided now if she is going to move out or not. I still believe she is leaning more on the side of moving, but she is not nearly as adamant as she was a week ago. Counseling is still out of the question for her, however, I am going to still seek it myself. A counselor at my work is also a good friend of mine and I will be talking with him soon. Maybe she will take interest and come with me some time. Frank Answers...You are correct in your opening remarks to your response and I agree...But, my wife is not involved with another man. I know this for fact. My wife has never been physically driven. Emotions have always been her way of dealing with things. Is she reacting to some positive attention from other men?...Hmmm...Probably. She is at the 40 y/o mark and life is very undecided for her right now. I understand her view. Should I stay and risk not ever knowing if things are greener on the other side? Or should I go and find out that it really isn't as bad as I thought, living with my husband? She is confused at this point with her own emotions and feelings and I understand. I don't like it, but I can empathize with her. We wre married when we were both 19 y/o and have basically grown up together. So, I can see why she is going through this trying time. She knows that I am still deeply in love with her, but at this point, she is not in love with me (so she says). Right now we are taking it one day at a time.
AGuestWithAnOpinion Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I know this is an old thread, but I had to put my two cents in. Maybe the guy was a creep for a very long time. Maybe he was incensitive. Maybe it's understandable that she would leave him. But it sounds like she is doing this out of the blue. Perhaps she did throw some hints his way, but hintng isn't communicating. It sounds to me that the problem is that she wouldn't communicate with him. He was supposed to divine her feelings from an occasional hint. That's absurd. If she was having such a rough time that she couldn't stand to be with him any more, she should have told him this long ago, and perhaps given him an ultimatum. I'm sorry, but unless he had raised a hand against her or stepped out on her, I don't care how big of a jerk he was to her. She is far worse.
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