OhNoNotAgain Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Hey everyone, I was hoping to get an outside look at my situation and to see if you guys think I might have a chance. I've read a lot about going NC, so that's what I'm trying to do at the moment. Me and my ex were together for 8 months. We broke up about a month ago for the first time. She didn't think I was ready to deal with her kids, and honestly, neither did I. It scared the hell out of me. Plus I made a bad mistake the day I was supposed to meet one of her kids. So she ended it. Let's just say I have a tendency to do stupid things and realize what I've done right after. Something I'm trying to work on. Anyway, after giving it a lot of deep thought for days on end, I realized how much I loved her, and that I was ready to accept her kids into my life. So I chased after her, wrote letters, did everything I could, and explained to her that I was ready to accept her kids in my life, I finally got her to come back about a week later. The following few weeks seemed to be going really well. We were getting along good, and so was I and her kids. I was even starting to really get attached. So as far as the kid situation was concerned, I'm pretty sure I fixed it. Then last week we were hanging out and I did another stupid thing. I wasn't paying attention to some stuff she was trying to show me that was important to her. I had some work I needed to do because I'm concerned about my job security. So all I could think about was my work, and I ended up coming across like an ******* that didn't want to see her important items, which I acknowledge. I immediately started apologizing right after I knew she was upset. I told her I wanted to see her stuff, but she was trying to show me at a very bad time. But I knew the damage was done. Everything seemed to be ok that night, I slept at her house and when I left for work in the morning she was hugging me, kissing me, and telling me she loved me right before I left. Even telling me she loved me as we were laying in bed in the morning. So fast forward a few hours. She ends up breaking up with me for a few things, including what happened the night before, and my bad communication. She told me she loves me but she has been on the fence, and I didn't do enough to keep her. She also told me not to chase her or plead with her, and that she will not change her mind this time. That her mind was made up before, but she tried to stay. The next day there wasn't really much more I could say than what I said when we talked, and in previous letters when we first broke up, considering it was only about a month earlier. So I ended up sending her a goodbye email and telling her to come back if she loves me and can accept my faults (which everyone has, and I've been trying to work on), among a lot of other stuff. It's been about 5 days, and I haven't heard anything from her. I have a feeling she is already dating someone. When we first broke up, she went on an online dating site almost immediately, and she told me she gave her number to some guy during that period. When we got back together she told me she stopped contact but who knows. I asked her not to go on the site so fast this time when we broke up because it hurt a lot. And she's not on there, so I don't know what her reason is. Could be she's with someone, could be she's respecting my wishes. Although I have seen her on there with this fake weird profile she has, not sure what she's looking at, my thoughts can only assume it's another guy. I love this girl a lot, and I want her in my life. Do you think I still have a chance? If I continue NC, do you think she will get in touch with me? I know she loves me, but does the fact that she told me that she won't change her mind this time really mean she's done? Thanks for any advice.
KaliLove Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Yeah it sounds like she's done. You have a lot of growing up to do before you can deal with children.
Breadimus Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 You deserve better. Never supporting a child that is not yours. Focus on your job at the moment and find a woman you can start your own family with. May seem harsh but deep down I can see that is what you want just based on your rumblings on the net. Your gut was right the first time, your fear over rode it.
Author OhNoNotAgain Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Just so you guys know, I have given the children thing a lot of thought, and was more than ready, and proved that to her. She even admits everything was good in that area. So I'm pretty sure this break up was not related to the kid factor.
KaliLove Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 You deserve better. Never supporting a child that is not yours. Focus on your job at the moment and find a woman you can start your own family with. May seem harsh but deep down I can see that is what you want just based on your rumblings on the net. Your gut was right the first time, your fear over rode it. Are you saying that any person who has children from a previous relationship is untouchable? This is demented.
KaliLove Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Just so you guys know, I have given the children thing a lot of thought, and was more than ready, and proved that to her. She even admits everything was good in that area. So I'm pretty sure this break up was not related to the kid factor. Regardless..she's dumped you multiple times now. Even if she did take you back she'd just dump you again. Time to move on.
Breadimus Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Are you saying that any person who has children from a previous relationship is untouchable? This is demented. Creating discourse here! To be honest at my age yes (24), should this prevent OP from considering it, no. This, is another facet of a relationship that adds to misunderstanding, you have to a very stable person for it to work. Until that is possible do not consider it. Three will get hurt in the end not two. Simple.
KaliLove Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Creating discourse here! To be honest at my age yes (24), should this prevent OP from considering it, no. This, is another facet of a relationship that adds to misunderstanding, you have to a very stable person for it to work. Until that is possible do not consider it. Three will get hurt in the end not two. Simple. Yeah, that's not what you said..and besides, what's right for you might not be right for other people. I'm not saying the OP should get involved with this woman as, despite what he says, he is clearly not ready to become a stand in father, but you should give advice based on what seems best for other people, not just yourself.
Author OhNoNotAgain Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I didn't really start this thread to get attacked about my readiness for the children part of this. That was not an issue when we broke up this time. Yes, I was scared about the reality of the situation in the beginning, but how is accepting 2 kids into a single persons life not scary? Anyway I only shared that part of the story to give some more insight into the situation. I was really just trying to get some outside perspective to see if people thought there was a chance. But let's assume everything is fine with the kid situation, since it wasn't mentioned once during our breakup.
KaliLove Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Regardless..she's dumped you multiple times now. Even if she did take you back she'd just dump you again. Time to move on. Again, she has dumped you multiple times. She doesn't have faith in you as a partner. Even if she did take you back right now, you'd be on very shaky ground.
Author OhNoNotAgain Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Me and my ex of 8 months have been broken up for almost 2 weeks. She told me she loved me multiple times the same morning before I left her house. Then broke up with me a few hours later. I love her so much, but the things she said made it sound like she would ever come back to me. I miss her, and I just want to send a message saying so. I don't expect her to come back let alone even respond. I just feel like it would help me get my feelings off my chest to send the message, and to be able to express it whether the person on the other end cares or not.
Itspointless Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 She knows. Just read your story, for her this will be chasing or pleading.
Chi townD Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Look, she's not playing with a full deck. I know that a lot of single mothers won't even entertain introducing a new guy into the kids lives until they are certain that the relationship is going somewhere. Look, it didn't seem like things were good anyway. It reads like you were always walking on eggshells around her. Like, you were constantly under surveillance from her. And that's no way to live. We're guys. We do stupid stuff all the time! It' in our genetic code to do stuff that either makes the women in our lives either scratch their heads in wonderment or make their hearts stop and say, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?!" Like, a guy would think it's a good idea to install a satellite dish ourselves using a screwdriver and a chainsaw on a wobbly ladder. If my wife threw me out for every little stupid thing I've done, we wouldn't have even gotten past the first year of marriage.
KaliLove Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Me and my ex of 8 months have been broken up for almost 2 weeks. She told me she loved me multiple times the same morning before I left her house. Then broke up with me a few hours later. I love her so much, but the things she said made it sound like she would ever come back to me. I miss her, and I just want to send a message saying so. I don't expect her to come back let alone even respond. I just feel like it would help me get my feelings off my chest to send the message, and to be able to express it whether the person on the other end cares or not. It really won't. You are hoping and expecting her to respond, and when she doesn't, you're going to feel about 10 gazillion times worse than you do right now.
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I miss her, and I just want to send a message saying so. I don't expect her to come back let alone even respond. I just feel like it would help me get my feelings off my chest to send the message, and to be able to express it whether the person on the other end cares or not. Nah, you're only doing this because she didn't respond and now you're panicking so you're concocting the "I miss you" to see if you can get a reaction from her. And you're doing it because you cannot accept her decision. Look, you know what's unattractive to a woman? It's when she tells a man she isn't interested but he keeps on with the emotional bit. Not good. Don't be that guy. 1
jonsnuh Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Nah, you're only doing this because she didn't respond and now you're panicking so you're concocting the "I miss you" to see if you can get a reaction from her. And you're doing it because you cannot accept her decision. Look, you know what's unattractive to a woman? It's when she tells a man she isn't interested but he keeps on with the emotional bit. Not good. Don't be that guy. OP, I was caught up with my emotions and acted on them. If there was anything I could change, it would be those moments when I lowered myself with my useless pleas. I wish I could get my dignity back. That's what NC is for. I agree with Zahara completely. 1
Author OhNoNotAgain Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Nah, you're only doing this because she didn't respond and now you're panicking so you're concocting the "I miss you" to see if you can get a reaction from her. And you're doing it because you cannot accept her decision. Look, you know what's unattractive to a woman? It's when she tells a man she isn't interested but he keeps on with the emotional bit. Not good. Don't be that guy. Well I would agree that I'm having a hard time accepting her decision, but I would disagree that I'm doing it to get a reaction. I really feel like it would make me feel better to get it off my chest, even if she doesn't answer. I'd rather say how I feel to her once, than to keep repeating it in my head. Kind of like when you get an idea in your head that you want to buy something, and you can't get rid of that thought until you buy it. I feel like I will just keep repeating "I miss you" in my head unless I physically send it. As far as being unattractive or needy to her by sending one more text, honestly, who cares? I have such little chance of getting her back, what does it matter at this point? If it helps me to get my emotions out of my head, isn't that good for me? And let's keep in mind I'm not writing letters or anything like that, just a simple "I miss you". Of course I want her back, which probably won't happen, but I think it would make me feel better to get my emotions out of my head, over keeping it bottled inside.
KaliLove Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 So if you send her a text telling her you miss her and she ignores it completely or tells you that she doesn't miss you or something equally painful, you'll feel better just for having sent the text? I don't think so.
Author OhNoNotAgain Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 So if you send her a text telling her you miss her and she ignores it completely or tells you that she doesn't miss you or something equally painful, you'll feel better just for having sent the text? I don't think so. Well ignoring I could handle, because I'm not expecting a response. And I don't think she's the type of person to say something mean just to hurt me. Of course it's a gamble though, lol.
KaliLove Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 You say that now..but wait til it happens. I'm telling you this from experience. I've sent the "I miss you" text. You convince yourself you'll be fine without getting an answer and then when you don't you lose your ****ing mind. Please save yourself the pain and don't do it.
Itspointless Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 As far as being unattractive or needy to her by sending one more text, honestly, who cares? I have such little chance of getting her back, what does it matter at this point? If it helps me to get my emotions out of my head, isn't that good for me? And let's keep in mind I'm not writing letters or anything like that, just a simple "I miss you". Well ignoring I could handle, because I'm not expecting a response. And I don't think she's the type of person to say something mean just to hurt me. Of course it's a gamble though, lol. Getting rid of emotions and gambling do not mix. In fact gambling causes the opposite: tension.
Author OhNoNotAgain Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Sorry "bruh", but I would never take advice seriously from someone who uses the words "bruh" and "potna". Looks like you wasted a lot of time. You would think someone that references the "American Pimp" would just have ladies lined up and would not have any time to waste with us "potna's" on a message board, LOL.
Zahara Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Well I would agree that I'm having a hard time accepting her decision, but I would disagree that I'm doing it to get a reaction. I really feel like it would make me feel better to get it off my chest, even if she doesn't answer. I'd rather say how I feel to her once, than to keep repeating it in my head. Kind of like when you get an idea in your head that you want to buy something, and you can't get rid of that thought until you buy it. I feel like I will just keep repeating "I miss you" in my head unless I physically send it. As far as being unattractive or needy to her by sending one more text, honestly, who cares? I have such little chance of getting her back, what does it matter at this point? If it helps me to get my emotions out of my head, isn't that good for me? And let's keep in mind I'm not writing letters or anything like that, just a simple "I miss you". Of course I want her back, which probably won't happen, but I think it would make me feel better to get my emotions out of my head, over keeping it bottled inside. You can't keep seeking external avenues to deal with your emotions. You're going to have to look within, feel the discomfort of dealing with missing her on your own. Sending her texts when you miss her doesn't teach you how to deal and process your emotions. You can't keep reaching out to her everytime you feel some sort of something. She isn't your source of comfort but your source of pain. You're using the wrong tools to heal. I still say you're doing this to send some sort of emotional signal in hopes it triggers her emotions. I will tell you as a woman, that it's a huge turn off when a man does this, especially when the woman isn't as emotional anymore. But yeah, go ahead and send it to her. 1
Trovador Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 We all have broken NC with a purpose, a very conscious purpose: To get a reaction, nothing more, nothing less... There is no such thing as an unselfish message, email, poke, invitation, call, greeting from a mutual friend, a walk down her street, etc...
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