Why is it easy for some to have a one night stand?

[Soursoupz]

And many dont know or learn how to say no or to avoid situations where they can get into sex situations.

 

Like not meeting in lonely places and once you told the person no, leave the place so

you dont second guess yourself or get mislead.

[Soursoupz]

There is also too much of the thinking that there most be sex while dating etc.

[pteromom]

However, in order to have a one-night stand, the person concerned must be of the opinion that it is OK to use another person just for sexual gratification. Personally, I have a problem with that attitude, but that's just me.

 

Couldn't disagree with this more.

 

In order to have a one-night stand, the person just has to believe that sex has value outside of expressing love in a monogamous relationship.

 

It isn't USING someone else if both people want it.

 

Sometimes a ONS is a temporary bandaid for loneliness. Sometimes, it is just simply two people being horny and choosing to alleviate that together.

[pteromom]

I’m interested in understanding why and how someone can become completely naked with a stranger and have a one night stand, while other people can't? Why is it difficult or impossible for some individuals to approach someone and develop a normal romantic relationship; sexually or non-sexually?

 

Values - does the person think it is ok to have a one night stand? Even if he/she does, is he/she able to separate that from upbringing and the values he/she were taught as a child?

 

Confidence - does the person have enough confidence in his/her attractiveness to the opposite sex to approach someone? Does he/she have enough confidence in his/her body, skills, etc. to actually have a ONS and risk judgment or rejection?

 

Ability to take risks - ONS is a risk. Developing a relationship is a different risk. Both require a certain amount of opening yourself and being vulnerable. That is very scary for some people!

 

Fear of others' intentions - again, different for ONS or a relationship. But a foray through LS posts will show you how bitter and burned some people are against the opposite sex. If you believe that someone is just out to use you or hurt you, it's difficult to open yourself up to that.

 

There's more, I'm sure. This is off the top of my head though.

[mario_C]

I have done the one-night stand a total of one times in my life. I attempted it in college from time to time, didn't work out (let's just say I'm not a ladies' man).

Sex is fun. Not rocket science to understand that. BUT we are so afraid of being vulnerable with each other - because people are *******s, they're vulgar and cruel and generally enjoy hurting anyone who's vulnerable. So we soak our brains in alcohol and hide in chatrooms like this one, trying to figure it all out. And living like that causes one to SNAP and act out, and a one night stand is a person's way of acting out sexually.

It would help if men treated women better and spent time understanding them, listening to what they wanted and learning how to give them orgasms and real pleasure. We'd all be humping a lot more, maybe even without getting drunk to do it.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Good topic!

Because its for shore something very intimate.

 

I think people just do it like that after blocking certain emotions.

Because i cant believe them also that they can just go and lay down.

 

If you hear hookers they also say they shut down emotions while sleeping with all those strangers.

 

Sex is made for two people that love each other in marriage.

And its something that make people one.

By sharing it everywhere with alot of people it will make it harder for you to

cleave to someone.

 

I think some gets the idea that its normal or there is no problem doing it,

some from their education, and also from the media.

All they show is how to lay down soon and faster then you can.

How many programs on tv or songs did you hear talking about high morals and standards, and building a relationship first and marriage?

 

You can't believe it because you live in a different mindset. It's not "blocking" emotions. It's separating the emotions from the physical act. Those that are unable to separate the two are the ones you see posting here who had sex with someone on the 1st or 2nd date and now are feeling used and played for a fool.

 

Sex is made for reproduction. Emotional bond and spiritual connection is for love and marriage, but a healthy dose of both is what makes for lasting relationships.

 

People talk about building solid relationships first before having sex. How can you trust that relationship is going to be solid until you've had sex and know the physical connection/compatibility is there as well? The truth is that you can't. So what you essentially do, for those that wait it out based on the emotional side, is put all your eggs in one basket and gamble on feelings. And then later, when the sexual compatibility is waayy off, you are clinging to this relationship based on the emotions you've already built and trying to overlook or work around the lack of physical connection.

 

No thanks. Not for me. And despite my views, I'm in a relationship where the emotional bond is incredible and the sex is on FIRE, and I didn't have to be promiscuous to find it, just realistic.

[mat23]

I'm looking for answers for me: Why is it difficult or impossible for some individuals to approach someone and develop a normal romantic relationship; sexually or non-sexually?

 

I have friends, I'm ok looking, but I can't approach a woman for a date. I've always found this to be an impossible thing to do. I graduated high school a few years ago and dislike the single life. When I go out it's usually alone; I eat alone, go to movies alone. My friends are work related friends, I don't really see them socially. I don't want to wind up an old man with lots of animals roaming my home. I think I have self confidence, just not with woman.

 

This was my original post.

 

In my original post I edited out the question I wanted to ask. It should have been:

 

Why is it easy for some individuals (teen boys, and girls: men, women) to embrace their sexuality and the confidence to get a date without embarrassment? Then engage in sexual activity as if it were nothing more than a walk in the park? While others wish away there life and lead a lonely solitary one. Is it genetics, culture, parenting, peer pressure or something else that enables individuals to have an active romantic life? I’m not interested in the politically correct response, or a moral discussion here. I’m interested in understanding why and how someone can become completely naked with a stranger and have a one night stand, while other people can't? Why is it difficult or impossible for some individuals to approach someone and develop a normal romantic relationship; sexually or non-sexually?

For example, in the movie, “The 40 Year Old Virgin” the male character found women intimidating and scary. But his friends had no problem dating and being romantic. Why?

[oz-missy]

oz-missy, in high school it was the boys on the sports teams, not the geeks, which seemed to have the girls flocking to them. My neighbor was a la cross player and he never had a problem getting girls to go out with him; his sex life was good too. The guys who played other sports also seemed to do ok with the girls. So I joined the swim team, won some events, looked good, girls would talk to me, but still no dates or romance. After graduation I got a great job and earned a nice salary; still no one to share my time with. I’d go to clubs, nothing; joined they Y, nothing; even tried the supermarket, nothing. That’s why I posted my question. I have friends of both sexes, but no one to share my personal time with.

 

It's not the sport that's the common denominator with these people but their self confidence. If you do not have the self confidence to put yourself forward, to engage in interactions with people of the opposite sex then there is nothing any of us can say.

 

A number of us in this thread has said it's all about confidence. You seem to have chosen to ignore this piece of advice. Ignore all the way, but continue to be girl-less because of it.

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm looking for answers for me: Why is it difficult or impossible for some individuals to approach someone and develop a normal romantic relationship; sexually or non-sexually?

 

I have friends, I'm ok looking, but I can't approach a woman for a date. I've always found this to be an impossible thing to do. I graduated high school a few years ago and dislike the single life. When I go out it's usually alone; I eat alone, go to movies alone. My friends are work related friends, I don't really see them socially. I don't want to wind up an old man with lots of animals roaming my home. I think I have self confidence, just not with woman.

 

This was my original post.

 

In my original post I edited out the question I wanted to ask. It should have been:

 

Why is it easy for some individuals (teen boys, and girls: men, women) to embrace their sexuality and the confidence to get a date without embarrassment? Then engage in sexual activity as if it were nothing more than a walk in the park? While others wish away there life and lead a lonely solitary one. Is it genetics, culture, parenting, peer pressure or something else that enables individuals to have an active romantic life? I’m not interested in the politically correct response, or a moral discussion here. I’m interested in understanding why and how someone can become completely naked with a stranger and have a one night stand, while other people can't? Why is it difficult or impossible for some individuals to approach someone and develop a normal romantic relationship; sexually or non-sexually?

For example, in the movie, “The 40 Year Old Virgin” the male character found women intimidating and scary. But his friends had no problem dating and being romantic. Why?

 

 

My guess from what you have wrote here is that it has to do with your social conditioning, lack of confidence and a fear of failure and rejection that stems from deep seated childhood issues of not winning, not competing or being allowed to compete, your parents making everything easy for you so you don't know how to fight or work for anything, social ineptness, no proper role models growing up and an unhealthy obsession with self.

IMO,

G

[what_a_blonde]

Not sure why its so easy for some.

 

Its nothing I could ever do. Have I ever been intimate with someone before we were "officially" dating? Yes. However we knew each other prior, had an established relationship of some sort... and it wasn't set out to be a "one night" thing. (nor can I say anyone I've ever slept with that we only did it once or twice..) And it's not that I can't be naked in front of others or have insecurity issues.

 

I'm not bashing anyone who can have a ONS (or even FWB). In a way, I sometimes wish I could be wired to be ok with ONS or FWB.

 

It seems like those who are able to have the one night stands are able to set aside emotions and physical intimacy/pleasure - something I cannot do, and also why I've become attached in the past, and been hurt in the past (both my fault and at the fault of the other person involved in some cases).

 

One of the main things I can think of is the scare of STDs and pregnancy with someone you don't know. I really, really enjoy sex. (Who doesn't?) But I enjoy a clean and healthy life more than anything, I'm even paranoid to kiss a stranger. (Many of my friends will make out with random guys at bars... I still haven't even done that. Not sure I ever will.)

Edited April 8, 2014 by what_a_blonde

[carhill]

I’m interested in understanding why and how someone can become completely naked with a stranger and have a one night stand.

 

They live in the moment. See what they want. Covet it. Have it. Move on. It's part of being an adult with free will. Choices.

[mat23]

oz-missy. You stated, “… it's all about confidence. You seem to have chosen to ignore this piece of advice. Ignore all the way, but continue to be girl-less because of it. “

That is not a choice, "to ignore this piece of advice." You just don’t wake up one morning and say, “To day I’ll have confidence.” If it were that easy all guys would have dates every night. The cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz had to have help on his journey in finding his courage, and it took time. The questions were posted in order to find the key to unlock the reason for the lack of confidence with women. Your post is a beginning; suggestions and examples might help to acquire what is need to gain that confidence with women.

[Gaeta]

I think people just do it like that after blocking certain emotions.

 

There is no need to block something that isn't there. If I meet some guy one night, we spent an hour or 2 together then end up in bed, I have no feelings for this person, he's a stranger.

 

If you hear hookers they also say they shut down emotions while sleeping with all those strangers.

This is like comparing apples and ...bunnies. In a ONS it's 2 consenting adults acting on sexual desires. Hooking is having 50 men per day, you are not attracted to, emptying themselves in you.

 

Sex is made for two people that love each other in marriage.

And its something that make people one.

Sex existed millions of years before marriage did. Marriage is actually something very recent in human history. So before marriage there were no sex?

[mikefromtheblock]

There is no need to block something that isn't there. If I meet some guy one night, we spent an hour or 2 together then end up in bed, I have no feelings for this person, he's a stranger.

 

This is like comparing apples and ...bunnies. In a ONS it's 2 consenting adults acting on sexual desires. Hooking is having 50 men per day, you are not attracted to, emptying themselves in you.

 

Sex existed millions of years before marriage did. Marriage is actually something very recent in human history. So before marriage there were no sex?

 

Nailed it.

 

I'd like to add: why not enjoy those one-night stands and why worry about the emotions and love and... marriage and who else knows what.

 

We aint here forever, and having fun while we're still here does not kill our emotions or self-esteem. There's always time for true relationship and there's always time for one-night stand !

[Keenly]

I have no idea... I just know that I wouldn't want to participate in one.

[VeronicaRoss]

Casual sex isn't ever casual, emotionally and physically it's got high stakes. It's not just religion. Why are some people able to do it? I think we blocked out the consequences or dismissed them as worth it because the risks seemed low or 'not me'. I know I did.

 

Physically the reality can be severe. You could end up with an incurable disease like herpes or AIDS (even with condoms) or pregnant. You don't even have to have actual intercourse.

 

The other consequences are emotional. It doesn't take much looking around at school or on a site like this to realize that people often lie to themselves or each other about what they're doing and why and someone ends up emotionally crushed because of mismatched expectations, or someone realized afterward -- 'nah, not for me'.

 

I can only wish I was more of a 'consequences' person. I grew up in a time and a place where casual sex was a norm, being sexy a way to prove your value, and my parents were fine with it. I really enjoyed myself but looking back life would have been a lot easier and my relationships would have made more sense if I had sex with fewer people. And if I had spent more time developing myself in other areas and less on romance. I ended up in relationships I wasn't really into because of it or because I thought attraction was a sign of emotional destiny. And I'm female, but I broke a lot of men's hearts. Dad convinced me guys don't really care. But they do.

 

After having much later in life conversations with ex-boyfriends about why we broke up what I didn't say was we broke up because if I had put more thought and time into it we never would have gotten together. I'm sure a few of them think the same and are too kind to say!

[VeronicaRoss]

I have friends, I'm ok looking, but I can't approach a woman for a date. I've always found this to be an impossible thing to do. I graduated high school a few years ago and dislike the single life. When I go out it's usually alone; I eat alone, go to movies alone. My friends are work related friends, I don't really see them socially. I don't want to wind up an old man with lots of animals roaming my home. I think I have self confidence, just not with woman.

 

OK, finally the real question, it's not about 'people' it's about you and very specific! You are acting quite frustrated with the responses when actually you didn't ask directly for what you wanted in the first place.

 

I actually think you have a clue in the way you've conducted yourself on this thread. You might need stronger rote skills on how to communicate effectively so people can relate with you easily. All we can go by is what you write.

 

OK, other than that, you're not providing info that we could actually help you in your particular situation. Are you actually interested in anyone? Have you asked women out? What happens? Are you interested in other people or do you just wish you got more from them? There is a big difference. If you're not that interested in anyone around you you either need to meet different people that share your interests or recognize you're actually not interested in other people and maybe the way you are is ok.

[oz-missy]

oz-missy. You stated, “… it's all about confidence. You seem to have chosen to ignore this piece of advice. Ignore all the way, but continue to be girl-less because of it. “

That is not a choice, "to ignore this piece of advice." You just don’t wake up one morning and say, “To day I’ll have confidence.” If it were that easy all guys would have dates every night. The cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz had to have help on his journey in finding his courage, and it took time. The questions were posted in order to find the key to unlock the reason for the lack of confidence with women. Your post is a beginning; suggestions and examples might help to acquire what is need to gain that confidence with women.

 

As said in a previous comment on this thread by me:

 

 

If you are referring to yourself, try methods in building up your self confidence. Maybe if need be speak to a counsellor to try and work through your confidence issues.

 

If it is something you have been struggling with your whole life, you very well may need some professional advice and guidance.

 

There is no key to unlocking confidence with women. It all starts with being self-confident. From there your confidence will then translate to women and also sustaining friendships outside of work as well.

 

Hence I said you chose to ignore the advice given - it was already given and you seem to have totally disregard this.

[Buzzkill]

Why is it easy for some individuals (teen boys, and girls: men, women) to embrace their sexuality and have the confidence to get a date with out embarrassment? Then engage in sexual activity as if it were nothing more than a walk in the park? While others wish away there life and lead a lonely solitary one. Is it genetics, culture, parenting, peer pressure or something else that enables individuals to have an active romantic life? I’m not interested in the politically correct response, or a moral discussion here. I’m interested in understanding why and how someone can become completely naked with a stranger and have a one night stand.

 

Its not really about having the courage to embrace their sexuality, but about being physically attractive. It is easy, for some, to have one-night stands. Because the men who have one-night-stands are attractive to begin with, and its not their attitude regarding their sexuality, or the complexity of their personalities what makes them sexually attractive to women - its how they look.

 

Trust me. Most men would have One-night-stands if they could. Why do you think men go to nightclubs and such? To get a headache or to get roaring drunk?

[Thomas the Red Fox]

It is not black and white.

 

I'm not personally one for one night stands. To me, you must lack dignity, respect, and shame to be able to participate in one.

[Keenly]

It is not black and white.

 

I'm not personally one for one night stands. To me, you must lack dignity, respect, and shame to be able to participate in one.

 

That sounds pretty black and white to me.

[GravityMan]

They live in the moment. See what they want. Covet it. Have it. Move on. It's part of being an adult with free will. Choices.

 

Nail, meet head.

 

In general, being able to live in the moment, be spontaneous and get outside your own head is very attractive to a lot of people.

 

Over-thinkers, second-guessers and passive people tend to be less interesting and even a bit annoying or frustrating at times.

[carhill]

I recall the last time I was approached in such a manner and, yup, I did over-think, did lack the spontaneity of the moment and was heard to utter the words 'perhaps it would be better for both of us if you went inside and slept with your husband'.

 

Unfortunately, I was introduced to such dynamics at a young adult age and those dynamics did form an intrinsic inhibition (important with ONS, meaning lack thereof, going in the moment) to such activities. I simply don't like having sex with married women and it's impossible to verify if an abject stranger is married or not so I default to avoiding such activities, even if otherwise attracted. It's a choice, based in free will. Another man could definitely make a different choice and that would work for him.

[radiodarcy]

I'm not so sure it's about confidence - - I've had one night stands thinking it would raise my confidence. Instead it drained me of it and left me feeling even lonelier than if I hadn't done it at all.

 

I think it's more a matter of how much physical contact one can tolerate; without reading too much into it. And I'm not wired that way - - I take everything too seriously and overanalyze the most minute detail to death.

 

So now that I know that about myself, I know that one-night stands aren't for me. That being said, I envy those who can have them and leave them at that. But - - I just have to accept that they're not for me.

[Jethro]

How can people do it? Because sex is fun! One night stands can be great as long as no one gets hurt and you are both protected. Some people can be less serious with sex than others. If that's not you, that is absolutely fine. But other people can be a little more mechanical about it. Sex doesn't have to be all deep and meaningful all the time.