Belle82 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 My husband and I have been married for 3 years and together 7 years, when we first met we were both single parents so never had a life without kids. We have 5 kids between us and together, our two together are under 5 and I am a full time mum. Things have gone down hill with our bedroom life over last few months, he had been understandable I didn't have as much energy with the young kids but we were still having sex at least once a day. I can't figure out what has happened as he suddenly changed to wanting it at least 3 times a day, he's not giving me attention outside the bedroom, he seems to loose all logic when sex comes into the equation ( the young ones were at 3year old kinder the other day, I told him I had 30 minutes before I had to get them but then when time was up he didn't want to finish basically forcing me and I was late picking up our kids), he's always taken 30minutes to an hour but fitted in quickies of 10-15minutes but now he says he just doesn't want quickies, he is sometimes taking that long it's going limp but refuses to acknowledge it. I have talked to him about this just not feeling nice for me, I feel like a toy and he just laughs and says I am his little sex toy. I pointed out it has been 8 months since we did anything in the bedroom I like such as going down on me, quickies and a few little unusual things I like. He just keeps turning around and says but your my wife it's about making me happy. He suddenly wants anal and me to vomit from choking so much when giving a blow job which I hate both but he persists saying I don't love him if I won't do it and he will find someone else. I love my husband, I don't want him to find someone else but when I am that miserable not getting what I want and haven't orgasmed unless via self help in months it gets very trying. Sorry for the long story but just wanted to cover all bases, so what I want to know is how do I deal with his radical change in behaviour and attitude, any ideas I can help him along to start coming faster.
iiiii Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Honestly? It sounds like he's being a jerk. Trying to push you into doing things you are really uncomfortable with, and refusing to pay any attention to what you like in bed, is just nasty behavior. He's lucky you're still shagging him regularly. Many women wouldn't be. All I can suggest is talking to him and trying to work out exactly why this change in attitude suddenly occurred. Perhaps if you can identify what triggered this behavior, it can be fixed. 1
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 You need to pull him out of this fantasy land and start speaking up FIRMLY for yourself. Sex should be an enjoyable experience for BOTH parties, not a job or obligation because he's your husband. Why don't you ask him what his obligation is to you as far as sex, or is it only about him and his needs, cause that's what it sounds like. 1
Eivuwan Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 It's not a mismatch in sex tastes. He is abusing you and you don't recognize it. Ditch him. Love isn't everything.
Author Belle82 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Eivuwan, I don't see it as abuse as he has never acted like this before and we have been together/lived together for 7 years and suddenly he's acting like this. I have thought some times it might be part of a mid life crisis, he just turned 50, I am much younger in my early 30's. iiiii, I keep telling him he gets more than most men do lol, he's lucky I seem to have reached a peak but still doesn't understand I could 4 or more times a day but just don't have the energy or time with young kids to go an hour each time. Anyway, we will see how things go over a bit, I cracked it last night and spoke to our closest friend that I might just leave. He spoke to hubby and last night we went to bed late and he suddenly asked if I wanted a quickie since I must be tired, this morning it's like all pampering - breakfast in bed, massage, few of my bedroom likes and he's taken the kids to the park so I can have time alone. Only weird thing about it all is I got a message from our friend saying that he let hubby know how many were waiting in line - very strange.
Eivuwan Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Eivuwan, I don't see it as abuse as he has never acted like this before and we have been together/lived together for 7 years and suddenly he's acting like this. I have thought some times it might be part of a mid life crisis, he just turned 50, I am much younger in my early 30's. iiiii, I keep telling him he gets more than most men do lol, he's lucky I seem to have reached a peak but still doesn't understand I could 4 or more times a day but just don't have the energy or time with young kids to go an hour each time. Anyway, we will see how things go over a bit, I cracked it last night and spoke to our closest friend that I might just leave. He spoke to hubby and last night we went to bed late and he suddenly asked if I wanted a quickie since I must be tired, this morning it's like all pampering - breakfast in bed, massage, few of my bedroom likes and he's taken the kids to the park so I can have time alone. Only weird thing about it all is I got a message from our friend saying that he let hubby know how many were waiting in line - very strange. Just because he has never don't it before doesn't mean that it is not abusive now. I find it very odd that you need a third person to interfere in the marriage. It seems like the communication between you two aren't that good in general. I hope your husband's good behavior lasts.
Author Belle82 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 It's just not what I know of in abuse, my ex husband was pure evil with abuse, it started when we moved into together, for 6 years I put up with it for the kids. This seems nothing like my ex husbands behaviour or even same sort of control, that's why I don't see it as abuse. I don't know why our friend had to say anything, even weirder why he would use that to motivate him, I had only confided in this friend that everything was coming to what I could barely bare and I was thinking of leaving - I was requesting his help as he's the only one I figured would be willing to drive me two states away to home with my parents, if I decided to tell my husband I wanted to call it quits. It is very strange that our friend intervened and can't stop questioning why, even though today's attitude by my husband is good.
Eivuwan Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 It's just not what I know of in abuse, my ex husband was pure evil with abuse, it started when we moved into together, for 6 years I put up with it for the kids. This seems nothing like my ex husbands behaviour or even same sort of control, that's why I don't see it as abuse. I don't know why our friend had to say anything, even weirder why he would use that to motivate him, I had only confided in this friend that everything was coming to what I could barely bare and I was thinking of leaving - I was requesting his help as he's the only one I figured would be willing to drive me two states away to home with my parents, if I decided to tell my husband I wanted to call it quits. It is very strange that our friend intervened and can't stop questioning why, even though today's attitude by my husband is good. But do you want a husband who genuinely cares about you, or someone who is just doing nice things because he is afraid to lose you because then he would have to start over with someone else? Your previous experience with abuse might have distorted your ideas about what is abusive behavior. Just because this isn't as bad, doesn't mean that it's acceptable.
SolG Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Hi Belle :-) I'm just wondering if your other half is a hardcore porn fan? His behaviour and preferences do sound very much like how things play out in the gonzo world :-/ Which is all well and good to reenact if BOTH partners like it that way. However, I don't believe that this is actually the case for a lot of real couples in the real (as opposed to porn; aka fake fantasy sex) world. If you think he may be influenced by porn, the 'Make Love Not Porn' site is pretty handy. Might be a completely off track thought... but a thought for you nonetheless. Good luck!
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) And I am all over thenasdan and his constant complaining and then we have poor Belle82 who has been victim of such abuse and dysfunction in the past that she has no concept of what one would consider "normal" or in any way "acceptable". She is then questioning the well meaning intention of a neighbour who has done the right thing. Or maybe it is just me wondering what 50 year old demands his 20 year younger wife to have sex a minimum of 1X/day and up to 3X's/day for one hour at a pop with young kids everywhere around? Edited April 8, 2014 by Toodamnpragmatic 2
Eivuwan Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 And I am all over thenasdan and his constant complaining and then we have poor Belle82 who has been victim of such abuse and dysfunction in the past that she has no concept of what one would consider "normal" or in any way "acceptable". She is then questioning the well meaning intention of a neighbour who has done the right thing. Or maybe it is just me wondering what 50 year old demands his 20 year younger wife to have sex a minimum of 1X/day and up to 3X's/day for one hour at a pop with young kids everywhere around? Not to mention this " basically forcing me." That's basically sexual assault.
MidwestUSA Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Not to mention this " basically forcing me." That's basically sexual assault. Don't forget the wanting her to choke and vomit while giving a blow job.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 When someone who is so out of touch with reality and normalcy comes on, asks advice and then has no idea how to react. Here she has now disappeared after defending this scary pos because her ex was sadistic and abusive and he was nice for one day after being talked to by a neighbour. BTW look at the title of the thread..... Who thought opening it you'd read what you did?
Author Belle82 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Toodamnpragmagic, I have not disappeared, the most recent replies were posted in the middle of the night where I am located. Maybe your right, I am not sure how to react in this situation from my past events, I have still never had my confidence back to the way it was before I met my ex. I am processing it all and SolG yes he has recently (last year) discovered online porn - he is not tech savvy so never really been on them before, he got an iPhone for his birthday last year and a friend of his started telling him about websites, since then is iPhone is full of porn. Does anyone think this sort of behaviour can be dealing with a traumatic event? I was starting to think last night that this all started 2 months after we lost his son from an aneurism.
Eivuwan Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Toodamnpragmagic, I have not disappeared, the most recent replies were posted in the middle of the night where I am located. Maybe your right, I am not sure how to react in this situation from my past events, I have still never had my confidence back to the way it was before I met my ex. I am processing it all and SolG yes he has recently (last year) discovered online porn - he is not tech savvy so never really been on them before, he got an iPhone for his birthday last year and a friend of his started telling him about websites, since then is iPhone is full of porn. Does anyone think this sort of behaviour can be dealing with a traumatic event? I was starting to think last night that this all started 2 months after we lost his son from an aneurism. Maybe, but would you want to be with someone who is so selfish that he chooses to take things out on you to deal with his own problems?
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