dreamcatcher975 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 (edited) My H has told me he wants a divorce but hasn't filed. Going on 14 months now. I've decided to take matters into my own hands and file for it myself. I don't want to but I feel it's the only way I will move forward or things will never get done and I will be stuck in limbo. It's a pain I can not describe. I hear people saying that there ex's come back after awhile saying that they regret leaving their x's. Have any of you experienced this? Also, my stbxh (never imagined myself typing that) still invites me out to dinner, movies, etc.. But when things get heated he says I "shouldn't think of them as dates." But it's hard not to look at these moments as "positive" things. So, my ? Is.. Can anyone give me advice on how I can detach myself from him without him being obnoxious towards me? I just want peace. Edited April 6, 2014 by dreamcatcher975 2
TheBladeRunner Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 My H has told me he wants a divorce but hasn't filed. Going on 14 months now. I've decided to take matters into my own hands and file for it myself. I don't want to but I feel it's the only way I will move forward or things will never get done and I will be stuck in limbo. It's a pain I can not describe. I hear people saying that there ex's come back after awhile saying that they regret leaving their x's. Have any of you experienced this? Also, my stbxh (never imagined myself typing that) still invites me out to dinner, movies, etc.. But when things get heated he says I "shouldn't think of them as dates." But it's hard not to look at these moments as "positive" things. So, my ? Is.. Can anyone give me advice on how I can detach myself from him without him being obnoxious towards me? I just want peace. My XW regrets it every time she has an issue with my daughter and when the cat pukes and SHE has to clean it up:lmao:! SUGGESTION OP: Stop the dinners! My XW would do the same thing and to be quite honest every time I would have dinner w/ her it would set me back. I get it though, when you do that it does give you hope. Don't tell him why you are detaching, don't give reasons. Try saying something like "Every time we XXX together, I feel it gives me false hope that we'll get back together"......something in those lines. Always make it about how you feel. If he asks you out again just tell em': "I FEEL that's not a good idea". 2
Movingforward2 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I am literally in the same boat. I've been divorced for 3 months, and we just got back from a "family" vacation. Probably the best vacation we have ever had. We get back, and it's back to neutral. I gave myself a deadline of when I really moving forward......and then this set me back. Everyone says "don't do it".........we all do. Sad thing is my XW does the same thing to herself. I choose to look at it as a positive, when really it's just a nice new stage of confusion in reality. Our kids would kill to see us work this thing out. But it takes 2. 1
AMcKineth Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 If you think your life would be more positive out of this limbo stage and without him. I would just cut off contact with him and start you living your stbxh-free life. There may not be a nice way to do it, but with him wanting to hang out he's basically making it so you cannot get over him. I think TheBladeRunner has a good idea though, keeping it in the I's and not the WE's will make him feel it's all about you and not about him. And at this point that's how it should be. I know it's hard and I don't know what the situation is like, but unless he wants to go "all in" on the relationship again - to which I'd be cautious about. He should really be able to find someone else to take to the movies or dinner. However, my husband just broke it to me that he wants a divorce this morning and I'm not a therapist so I'd do whatever you think is right! Good luck with everything. 1
amaysngrace Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I'm detached from my exH, divorced for a lot of years now and he's still obnoxious to me. If you figure out a way for your stbxh not to be obnoxious please let me know! 1
Author dreamcatcher975 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Thanks everyone for your replies The hard part for me is saying "no..." because prior to us separting i just wanted to spend time with him the way we do now. Like, HIM actually inviting me to go out.. etc rather than me approaching him and being rejected. He rarely suggested things to me when we were "together" Now that we're divorcing he does the things I've asked him to do for the longest time. But i can't see them as "positive" things anymore. I can't look at these moments as us helping us grow as a couple because it seems like the end of the road is up ahead. It makes me so sad thinking about it. I do reject him sometimes like going out to dinner/lunches. But guess what he does?? He'll leave... but doesn't go to dinner, he'll go to best buy or some random store to grab something really random or nothing at all and come back home asking me again "do you want to go to dinner with me" or he'll be really persistent about it and continuously ask till i say yes. Then when i'm thinking "okay, it'll probably be a quick trip down to mcdonalds" he ends up taking me to the movies, mall, book stores, or get coffee. Friends tell me "actions speak louder than words" but... i don't even know how that can apply to my situation anymore. His words are pretty powerful.
Author dreamcatcher975 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 It's been awhile since i've updated this but I just wanted to give a little update. After that post, i made sure i stopped doing "wife" things for my husband. The first week, it was really difficult. He'd come out of his room and just start asking me what's for breakfast, or ask for lunch and even dinner. I stood my ground and refused. Granted i was living on cup o'noodles for a week or so (i don't have my car here and can't get around as much and i didn't want to ask him for ANYTHING) i think it was worth it. That same week, my friend invited me out to grab a few drinks with her friends and meet some people. Best idea ever! I got to drink and finally let lose. I would have moments where i'd think "I wish my H was here" but that quickly passed. I even got a couple of her friends asking me for my number and to hang out after the bar. I gave them false numbers.. lol but it felt nice just to be asked. When a guy asked me for my number.. I remember thinking about the one comment that really broke my heart the one comment my H had said to me that broke me down, he told me when we were "arguing" about the marriage how he wanted a wife that "guys look at". Yeah, Totally broke me. But that night something in me sparked. I thought "i don't need him" Eversince that night things turned around for the best. I went out a couple more times and not so much at the bar but just to my friends house to talk and one time i came home at 6 in the morning just as he was getting ready for work and asks me if i was "having an affair" and if i came back to just to throw it in his face. maybe he was being sarcastic.. idk. but he's never said those words to me before because i'd always been at home being the perfect wife. In the 5 years we've been married, i have always been home. Never went out till 6 in the morning, took care of my step kids, while he went out with his buddies and partied whenever he wanted. I even had to bail him out of jail once (public intoxication) because he was out partying with his friend who came to visit and i ended up "Fighting" for him over the phone because he was practically lost in the system. But that's another story. Things have been going good for me. I still have days where i cry but luckily he isn't home to see me cry. I've lost weight via exercising (20 lbs and a counting) got into running again. I'm actually less than my wedding weight. I gained 10-15 lbs since we were married and he thought that was "too much" so i see my weightless as a win. One of my biggest wins is: i will be staying here. He doesn't know. I think he thinks i'm just a helpless girl just waiting for him to leave and i follow him wherever he goes. But I'm actually looking into buying a house here. I figure i'd have more opportunities to "start fresh" here rather than my home state. (It's an island) I don't think he realizes the extent of anything that i'm doing. I suspect he saw a blueprint of an apartment that i was looking to rent but i'm not even sure about that tbh. He blew his lid the other day because i had a friend come by to take a look at our house and because i wouldn't give him any information about who she was.. he starts getting mad at me and even asked me "when are you leaving this house?" however just 3 days before that he tells me he's leaving middle of may and i can stay in the house till the end of the lease. He is all over the place. Once the lease on our house is over, I think he's moving to his mothers house for the rest of the time he's here (he's military) and i will be living in my own house -- a house that i want, a style that i want, and decorate it how i want. He still hasn't filed btw. And i haven't either because i've been focusing on other things rather than the divorce. I offered to file it for him but he said he'd do it... then the next week asks if i filed it (as mentioned.. "he's all over the place") And he still asks me what's for dinner and occasionally invites me to go eat with him but i turn him down now. I don't jump at the opportunity anymore. I mean, if our dinners/lunches together "don't mean anything.." then why bother going with someone who's just going to wear me down and be negative? I'd rather just go out there and enjoy a meal by myself and come home happy. Big changes are happening and i'm actually excited to see where it goes. I think for once my H's controlling, verbally, mentally, emotionally abusive behavior no longer has a hold on me. I'm finally taking control of things for myself and his grasp on me is slowly slipping away. My IC thinks it's great i'm at this place infact he's pretty excited for me because he thinks that my H is gonna be surprised when he sees how much control i have over my life. He says he sees this too often where the H thinks he's got this poor sad wife who has no control over things because she cries and begs him to work things out with him (that's sure was me!) and out of no where the wife comes out on top with this courage and power the H has never imagined. Idk how much H will react when he realizes i bought a house out here and actually living my life rather than sulking and being "helpless" (as he puts it). I think that's the biggest mistake he made in our marriage - he under estimated me way too often. With school, being a step mom to his kids.. everything. He underestimated it all.. and i was so stupid to believe him! but Not anymore! Keep your head up LS! It gets better! Focus on the positive and there will only BE positive. Forget all the negative BS... go out have fun and enjoy life! "YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS YOUR ONLY CHOICE!" 2
roger136913 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Ahhhhh Regrets, so many to choose from..... I wished I never had my affair.
Yarrow Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 You rock! When I reached that point and was telling someone how I was feeling(actually the financial planner my lawyer suggested to help me sort out the numbers for the divorce. She had left her wife-beating husband years ago, so we connected.) , she said, "That's the sound of a door slamming shut. And once it closes, it doesn't open again." Keep your chin up. Shut the door on him and his crazy mind games.
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