I need your help, EX has re-surfaced and I have mixed feelings!!!

[sandra parker]

Hello Everybody,

 

It has been a little while since I posted, but I have been reading faithfuly. I am in need of advice again. Briefly, I was with someone for five years, we broke up last August and shortly after(6 weeks) he began a relationship with someone else. A much younger girl (25) with a two year old child. He brought her around his family for the holidays which needless tosay broke my heart even more. He also came around me bringing christmas gifts and has kept in touch with my son. I cut all this off on New Year's Day. I have been going to therapy since October and since the NC, I have been getting myself together again. Doing much better.

 

NOW, to the present:

Yesterday I pulled into a gas station and when I came out I noticed he was behind me. I looked at him to wave and I noticed he was crying. I went up to the car window and asked him what was wrong. He kept saying nothing for awhile and after some probing on my part he started to say how he felt that he was such a failure and has made so many mistakes in his life ( he is a commitment phobic) and crying the whole while he is telling me this. Next, he proceeds to tell me that he and the other broke up. I asked him why ( as if I didn't know) and he said it was both him and her. He knew it would never work, but he wanted it too, anyway. I am a very compassionate person, especially toward him which is a big part of the reason why I hung out so long. I told him that he needed help ( I have told him this in the past). He has some serious issues and sucks at commitment and I advised him that he needs to get his **** together before he can ever be happy with anyone. I told him that everything happens for a reason and had we not broken up I would not have gotten to where I am today. He told me that he never wants to hurt anyone again like he hurt me and so I told him he better get some help. Then, like a dodo that I am, I told him that I loved him with all my heart and that I hoped that things would work out for him,

 

Well, this whole incident has gotten me a little hopeful and I am scared. I will not go back to him unless he gets help for his issues and he can make a lifetime commitment. I won't go back, this much I know, BUT I have caught myself praying that he does get help and we do get back together.

 

Do you think it's common for me to have these feelings. I do love him still, but I know that I will never go back to the way things were. He will never hurt me again, but a part of me wants it to work out. HELP!!

 

 

[ex]

Please don't get yourself devastated all over again. The people who write about commitmentphobia (I just read "He's Scared, She's Scared") talk about how if you are/were in a relationship with a commitmentphobe, you probably are one too, in your own way. You may think you want commitment, you may think you want it badly, but somehow you end up longing for partners who are unavailable - either physically, emotionally, or circumstantially.

 

Even if you feel fully recovered from your previous relationship (perhaps you feel much stronger than who you were before), you still want your ex who is is STILL UNAVAILABLE. If the authors of this book are right, your ex PROBABLY WILL want you back. So please, please don't play with fire. Do you remember what it felt like when you broke up? When my 4.5 yr relationship ended, as the passive commitmentphobe, I wanted to DIE. I suspect it was pretty bad for you too. Please, sandra parker, please be careful. It may be that you need some "help" yourself. Please at least read the book I mention here.

 

[morrigan]

Originally posted by sandra parker

 

He has some serious issues and sucks at commitment and I advised him that he needs to get his **** together before he can ever be happy with anyone.

 

 

You answered your own questions. A lot of people feel regret about a previous relationship, the 'what ifs'. It's easier to remember the great qualities that someone had, and forget about the behaviors or issues that ended things.

 

Maybe in the future he will change, but I wouldn't put your life on hold for the hope that he does just that. There are other people out there you could have a future with. Focus on your son and yourself.

[tgrace]

Sandra,

 

Good book that Ex recommended to you. It's going to be hard as long as we still love them. Hang in there girl, I know you'll make the right choice! No real words of wisdom for you other than to be careful. You know how vulnerable he can make you feel. Remember the strength you have within.

 

Tracy

[sandra parker]

Thank you very much for replying. to my post everyone. I know what is right here, God knows I have been through enough in this situation. It is that connection between the heart and the head again. The reason I wrote is that I just felt vulnarable. Seeing him and hearing the news made some feelings that I thought were gone resurface. It just scares me because it all caused me so much pain! I am going to pretend ( for a lack of a better word ) that I did not see him and go back to putting my own self together because he is unavailable as far as a loving relationship goes and that is what I someday hope to have in my life. EX, you're right, I do have issues of my own that causes me to 'falll' for men who are emotionally unavailable. I know this and understand this and like everything else, I need to always be aware of these issues. This is just a test for me, one that I need to pass. It is so frustrating to realize that I still love and care for him, it shames me because inspite of all he did to me, I still love him and care for him. But what I do with this is what counts right!? I need to stay on the path I have been on for the past five weeks. Puthim out of my thoughts and take care of myself. I have heard of the book you mentioned. I can't afford to buy it and can't find it in the libraries. I have read a lot on commitment phobia and have been in therapy for five months now and it is helping. I know better, I now just have to choose right. Thanks again, I will keep you posted.