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Is NC the way to go if I wasn't paying enough attention to her?

futuregopher

By futuregopher
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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futuregopher Established Member

futuregopher

Posted
Posted

I was dating this girl for two months and she called it off a couple of weeks ago. I felt we got a long great but the month of february/early march was really bad for me work wise so I never really was able to show her the affection/attention that she wanted. I was working 90 hour weeks for 6 weeks straight and that's when things got really bad. We dated for 4-5 weeks until i got struck with 90 hour weeks at work. She said the relationship wasn't making any progress and that we weren't "lovey dovey, honey moon period", and became "too routine". I'm 24 and she's 23 and we both live in NYC.

 

Except all of this goes back to having those 90 hr work weeks. I tried my best to at least see her for saturday night dinner and sunday brunch even when I was working 20 hours combined on weekends. It became structured because I needed a way to fit work and seeing her at the same time. I wish I could have been more spontaneous but I was seriously paralyzed because I was stuck at a freaking office for so long. I'm usually at work 8AM-11PM M-Thursday and 8AM-8PM on friday-sunday.

 

The day she broke up with me (sunday 3/16), I tried my best to explain my situation and ask for a second chance but she was really adamant on not giving me one. That week, I tried to show her more attention with text messages and a couple of phone calls (since I'm constantly working, and I can't have my boss see me on texts,etc). I got out of work at midnight on 3/20 and went to her place with flowers and a letter saying what I learned and apologizing for this mess. She was already asleep but stepped outside for 2 minutes so I could give her the flowers and note. The next day, Friday 3/21, I left the office at 9PM and got her crumbs cupcakes. I used false time things saying "I can't stay for long, I have work tomrorow etc, etc" and we had a good 1.5 hr chat. We talked as if nothing happened last sunday.

 

I went to work again 10am-8pm on saturday 3/22 and after I got out, I tried to surprise her again at her apartment. We started talking and it was nice for about 20 minutes but then she just snapped into "auto-reject mode" and kicked me out. Didn't text her that entire week but I was coming up with a plan.

 

This plan was one of my best friend's gf's plan -

 

I arranged for flowers to be delivered to her office on Friday 3/28 and made reservations at Bouley for saturday at 715 (4 dollar signs on yelp, 4.5 stars, and 1 michelin star). I also went to Laduree to pick up those french macarons that people rave about. So friday 3/28 came about and she texted me "thank you for the flowers". after work I told her about the reservations but 4 hours later she responded "stop wasting your money on me. I'm not work it. I'm more complicated than you think. we passed the point where I could possibly fall in love with you." I sent back a text just apologizing and thought I could show her that I learned and just thanks for a great two months. But I was devastated.

 

So I've been NC since 3/29. I've thought a lot about if I just want a gf or just want HER. I know the concept of the one doesn't exist but she made me feel like I was on cloud nine all the time when I was with her. I really wanted to marry this girl as crazy as it sounds.

 

I want to reach out and just start texting her platonically end of next week or so. She said I wasn't supportive of her and wanted me to text her more so I think that's what I should do? But that is exactly the opposite of NC. I'm just scared that NC will drive her even further away if I was too aloof, too distant, didn't show enough attention in the first place?

 

Thank you so much LS for listening and helping!!

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted

You went with the grand gesture, which was a tragically bad idea, and it didn't work. The fact that she reacted so negatively to that means that you have no choice than to go No Contact. Right now, your persistence shows that you don't respect her decision. And get that "I'll text her platonically" stuff out of your head -- I know, you know, and she knows that you aren't being platonic in your texting. Your grand gesture pretty much ruined any illusion that you are able to be platonic.

 

Short relationships can be tricky because they are basically unrealized potential and there's usually very little negativity or warning before they die. But the recovery strategy for them is the same. You need NC to get your head straight and she needs NC from you to get her head straight. You need to back off and respect her wishes.

  • Like 3
Trovador Established Member

Trovador

Posted
Posted

NC is not a trick but a way to isolate and protect yourself from the excruciating pain of seeing your ex rejecting you every time you contact her; NC allows you to heal and find eventually happiness without her...

 

Stop contacting her anyway, you are coming as a needy, desperate man (that you are) and are losing all your dignity, if she loved you, the overwork wouldn't be a serious problem... but seriously, man, you are killing yourself with that job... life, it seems to me, it's all about balance...

  • Like 1
sooshi Established Member

sooshi

Posted
Posted

Your gestures seem sweet, but you really need to question your intentions. She has asked you to stop, and you need to respect her decision. Don't text her anymore. Say nothing and do nothing. If she wants to reconcile with you, she'll reach out to you. But don't wait for it to happen, because it might not (and it doesn't sound like it will).

 

You were dating her for two months and you were already thinking about marriage. That (to me) is rushing things. Unless you two had a long-term friendship before dating, which I don't think you did, I suspect that you two don't know each other very well.

 

Don't contact her. Not only will you come across as needy and desperate if you do, but you'll be losing your sense of self-respect and dignity as well. If she wants to reach out to you, she will.

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futuregopher Established Member

futuregopher

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi guys,

 

Thank you for the replies!! It's a bit tough to get rid of my hope. I'm a very competitive person and I have feeling that it's the part of me that HATES giving up that is making me grasp onto this hope. It's just the part of me that believes that anything in life that is worth it is going to be hard to get and that's what makes it worth while. I just hate giving up on things knowing that I didn't really give it my best shot...and what's worse is that I feel like I couldn't meet her needs and wants because I was bound to my desk like dog on a leash.

 

We have known each other since sophomore year of college actually so maybe 4-5 years? We both know each other's dating history and weren't close in college but just friends/acquaintances.

 

The long story is a bit complicated but the cliffnotes version is like this:

- Talked platonically about her moving to NYC and stuff post graduation

- moved to london to work for 6 months from feb 2013 - august 2013

- 1 year ago (April 2013), when i forgot about her existence , she asked me to go on a vacation with her to south africa for 10 days in october 2013.

- doubted her intentions on why she was asking me of all ppl to go on a trip with her; just the two of us. never was attracted to her but after trip, fell so hard for her even though it was strictly platonic

- after we got back, I asked her out on date and she said "she didn't feel that way". She said she didn't want to date anyone until she figured out where she was going to be location/work wise. I was crushed but moved on

- November 2013, December 2013, forgot about her existence again until late december 2013, started talking to me and hinting at the fact that she wanted me to ask her out.

- january 2014, asked her out on a date and dated for two months

- now this breakup happened.

 

October 2013 rejection story can be found here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/434011-she-rejected-me-i-m-so-attracted-her-personality-someone-else-exists

 

sorry for complicated mess :(

Trovador Established Member

Trovador

Posted
Posted

That not seems like love to me... she gets into you only when you go away... guess what, she is only playing with you, you are an ego booster for her and she sees you just as a friend...

 

Go NC, as I see it, you'll never be happy around her...

  • Like 1
Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted
Hi guys,

 

Thank you for the replies!! It's a bit tough to get rid of my hope. I'm a very competitive person and I have feeling that it's the part of me that HATES giving up that is making me grasp onto this hope. It's just the part of me that believes that anything in life that is worth it is going to be hard to get and that's what makes it worth while. I just hate giving up on things knowing that I didn't really give it my best shot...and what's worse is that I feel like I couldn't meet her needs and wants because I was bound to my desk like dog on a leash.

 

We have known each other since sophomore year of college actually so maybe 4-5 years? We both know each other's dating history and weren't close in college but just friends/acquaintances.

 

The long story is a bit complicated but the cliffnotes version is like this:

- Talked platonically about her moving to NYC and stuff post graduation

- moved to london to work for 6 months from feb 2013 - august 2013

- 1 year ago (April 2013), when i forgot about her existence , she asked me to go on a vacation with her to south africa for 10 days in october 2013.

- doubted her intentions on why she was asking me of all ppl to go on a trip with her; just the two of us. never was attracted to her but after trip, fell so hard for her even though it was strictly platonic

- after we got back, I asked her out on date and she said "she didn't feel that way". She said she didn't want to date anyone until she figured out where she was going to be location/work wise. I was crushed but moved on

- November 2013, December 2013, forgot about her existence again until late december 2013, started talking to me and hinting at the fact that she wanted me to ask her out.

- january 2014, asked her out on a date and dated for two months

- now this breakup happened.

 

October 2013 rejection story can be found here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/434011-she-rejected-me-i-m-so-attracted-her-personality-someone-else-exists

 

sorry for complicated mess :(

 

This whole thing is a mess. It's best you separate from it completely. And love isn't a competition. That's a terrible way to look at it.

  • Author
futuregopher Established Member

futuregopher

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I know it's not a competition but when she told me why she was breaking up with me, it made me feel like the worse human being. I understand the reasons but it was all because my hands were tied because of work. I've learned a lot and I want to show her that I'm capable of being a good boyfriend and it just sucks that I don't get that chance... I know life isn't fair but I just hate not be able to have given it my all :(

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted
I know it's not a competition but when she told me why she was breaking up with me, it made me feel like the worse human being. I understand the reasons but it was all because my hands were tied because of work. I've learned a lot and I want to show her that I'm capable of being a good boyfriend and it just sucks that I don't get that chance... I know life isn't fair but I just hate not be able to have given it my all :(

 

You can't show someone that doesn't want to be shown. You have to respect their wishes. If you truly care about her, let her be.

cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

Posted
Posted
You can't show someone that doesn't want to be shown. You have to respect their wishes. If you truly care about her, let her be.

 

Once theve lost feelings for you because of distance or lack of attention form you ecetera there is no going back. You could be available 24 hrs a day for her and it wouldnt change ahything.

 

Ive been in a similar situation before but she didnt want to BU she just wanted to see me put in more effort and once i did things were fine. She always said she loved me even though it hurt her we were seeing each other less.

 

Your situation is different ..she pulled the plug. You have no choice but to go NC. Cav

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