hasaquestion Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 So I met this girl on Tinder, we chatted and hit it off and decided to meet up. It went great and since then we've been on 4 more dates so far in the past 4 weeks. We are getting ice cream together on Tuesday. I really like her. She's two years older than me (she's 24). She's sexy and smart (process design in biotech firm), has a good sense of humor, and I enjoy the time I spend with her greatly. But there's a catch - she keeps saying that we're not exclusive and not dating. Furthermore, she doesn't hesitate to mention that she's still talking to other guys besides me for example... as if she wants me to know that she has other options. I know for a fact that she's still talking to other guys on Tinder. I don't think she's been on any actual dates in the past week or so with guys other than me, fwiw. But at the same time, there's also hints that she likes me. She stares at me a ton during our dates/sleepovers. She mentioned that she'd been thinking about me during the work week, for example. And then the weirdest thing of them all was this past weekend, in the heat of the moment, she was like "please tell me you're not just using me for the sex." And then I said yes and she was like "promise me? please." What does all of this mean? She tells me she doesn't want to date me but I feel like she does. Is it some kind of tough guy act that girls pull????? I like this girl but I don't want to get too attached and let down.
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I think you can date somebody & not be exclusive. She may have other words for it. She is telling you in no uncertain terms to keep your own options open. There are other men in her life & she wants the playing field to be level so there should be other women in your life. She may have the rest of her life together but her romantic life was a mess. When she asked you if you were using her for sex that was the perfect time to turn the tables on her & flesh out what she means when she says that you aren't dating & aren't exclusive. If you aren't those things, I don't understand why she is having sex with you especially if she is simultaneously having sex with other people. For the sake of your own health, I hope you are being safe because you can't trust her to be at this point. Maybe she is using you for sex. Ever think about that?
Author hasaquestion Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 I think you can date somebody & not be exclusive. She may have other words for it. She is telling you in no uncertain terms to keep your own options open. There are other men in her life & she wants the playing field to be level so there should be other women in your life. She may have the rest of her life together but her romantic life was a mess. When she asked you if you were using her for sex that was the perfect time to turn the tables on her & flesh out what she means when she says that you aren't dating & aren't exclusive. If you aren't those things, I don't understand why she is having sex with you especially if she is simultaneously having sex with other people. For the sake of your own health, I hope you are being safe because you can't trust her to be at this point. Maybe she is using you for sex. Ever think about that? She tells me she isn't having sex with anyone else. Probably should have included that. Just dates. And yes I am being safe. Do women use guys for sex that much? I always thought that was more of a male thing.... I hope its not the case because I do feel like something clicks with her that I don't normally get with women.
nescafe1982 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 She tells me she isn't having sex with anyone else. Probably should have included that. Just dates. And yes I am being safe. Do women use guys for sex that much? I always thought that was more of a male thing.... I hope its not the case because I do feel like something clicks with her that I don't normally get with women. Women do this, too. I've done it. Women are just more likely to be upfront about it (And that's my opinion... anyone who wishes to can dispute it if they want). I think she's taking pains to be upfront about her desire: to be unattached (at least for now). The question you now have to ask yourself is... do you want the same thing? Because if you hook up with her while secretly wanting more... there's a good chance you could get hurt. Have you told her what YOU want/expect from this relationship? Maybe, since she's talking to you about it... you could share what you think with her. 1
Author hasaquestion Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Women do this, too. I've done it. Women are just more likely to be upfront about it (And that's my opinion... anyone who wishes to can dispute it if they want). I think she's taking pains to be upfront about her desire: to be unattached (at least for now). The question you now have to ask yourself is... do you want the same thing? Because if you hook up with her while secretly wanting more... there's a good chance you could get hurt. Have you told her what YOU want/expect from this relationship? Maybe, since she's talking to you about it... you could share what you think with her. I mean, I've tried to avoid acting like I "need" her. I do other things with my non-work nights besides see her, and make it clear that I have my own thing going on. I haven't said I expect a relationship, but I've said and done some nice things that I wouldn't say to a f*** buddy. I don't mind playing the game but I like to be forward about what I want too, I'm not going to entirely pretend I don't like her, that's weak. I guess she could very well be using me for sex. It feels like her actions (treats me almost like a bf) don't line up with her words (see OP). Its confusing.
nescafe1982 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I think she's been very clear with you what she is and is not willing to give you. It's not a "game" to be played. You have to believe her when she says she doesn't want a relationship... not assume she's playing a game with you. What you need to do now (or what you're left to do), is to figure out if you can accept the terms she's presented you with. You're not going to change her mind... no one can MAKE someone want more, you know? I don't think anyone told you to "pretend you don't like her." That's game-playing. Don't play games with her. But do figure out if a casual f-buddy is what you really want for yourself. Because that's all she's offering. It sounds a little to me like you want more than that.
Author hasaquestion Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 I think she's been very clear with you what she is and is not willing to give you. It's not a "game" to be played. You have to believe her when she says she doesn't want a relationship... not assume she's playing a game with you. What you need to do now (or what you're left to do), is to figure out if you can accept the terms she's presented you with. You're not going to change her mind... no one can MAKE someone want more, you know? I don't think anyone told you to "pretend you don't like her." That's game-playing. Don't play games with her. But do figure out if a casual f-buddy is what you really want for yourself. Because that's all she's offering. It sounds a little to me like you want more than that. Yeah, I don't have any problem with a f*** buddy arrangement. Its just that its hard to maintain that with someone you actually like as a person. I'd rather do it with some dumb broad who's attractive and doesn't have other things going for her. I like this girl, she's really sweet and she's intelligent. I won't cut her off or anything but I probably need to prepare myself mentally for this not being what I want it to be.
Do_The_Herp Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Be thankful that you're actually sexual with one another and you're not merely being manipulated as an emotional tampon.. If it's not hurting her, she must be enjoying your company as much. If anything, who knows, she might grow more attached to you. Maybe it's a facade.. But I wouldn't count on it, no need to be calculative in your actions, just let whatever be what it will be.
Author hasaquestion Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Well, we did date #6 last night. She still says we aren't dating. Gave me a present for no particular occasion - a bottle of wine, and an envelope with a hallmark card and a nice message. She also mentioned that she's not going to be able to have me over as often when she goes to grad school, which is funny since that is a while from now. Sounds like dating to me but whatever.
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