acapelo_dp Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 If you want some detailed background on my relationship, please refer to my old threads. However I will give you a little bit in this as well. I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months. I moved to his city to be with him, I lived with him for three months until I moved into my own apartment and he brought his family (two brothers, and father) to the city to live with him as his father was an alcoholic and his brothers were depressed - needed to start working. My boyfriend is taking care of his entire family finanacially. He works as a manager and he will work from 8am until 7:30-8pm Monday - Friday then he goes home and buys them food so they can make supper. His brothers found one job since they got here, one quit after a week and his other brother just got fired for being too slow. His Dad has not worked at all. They have lived here for 5 months. Needless to say, my boyfriend is stressed and has been since they arrived to the city. He was a great boyfriend before they came here, very caring, wanted to spend all his free time with me. I had a hard month last month. My mother died, and although he was there for me it just added to his stress. I also moved to a different apartment. The day before I was moving I asked him to help me since I had such little stuff, and to buy a bed since I did not have one. He agreed on 5:30pm that night. The next day he called me and asked if it would be okay to come an hour later as he was swamped with work, and I got frustrated as he always does this! Just last week we had agreed upon a time to talk about our relationship as I had to work in the afternoon we chose the morning. He said that it would be cut short because he had to go back and drive his brother to work (when he could have taken the bus). The weekend came and he did not ask me to hang out. I called him to talk and he said the past few days have really stressed him out and he needed a few days to himself to just do things he wanted to do. I told him that I am not getting what I need out of this relationship, and I suggested just being friends. He said he did not want to just be friends and wanted to be in a relationship. Basically I am drained. We are only 24 years old. We hardly have sex, and when we do it's lazy sex and he gets tired. He doesn't initiate much. He doesn't initiate hanging out with me much. I have talked to him probably about 4 times about being more invested in the relationship and it will change for a few weeks then it will go back to the same routine. Basically: -He is constantly stressed, and broke. We never do fun things together anymore and he hardly wants to go out because he doesn't want to spend money. He spends his money on rent, food, car payments. -We don't have passionate sex. He is always tired and hardly initiates. I feel unwanted. -His first priority is his family, and he has told me this. He also told me that they will be living with him for probably the next 2 years and his dad will be a lifetime roommate. -When we make plans usually he will work late or change plans as he will have to drive his family somewhere or do something. He says he loves me and he does not ever want to break up when I suggest. I just don't know how much more I can take I am young and want to have fun, I want to have wild sex, be in love and have someone want to spend as much time with me as possible. But I feel like I should try since I moved across the country for him. -
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 He's being up front with you. His family is a package deal & they are a lifetime commitment. It's a take it or leave it proposition. I'd leave it if I were you. Sorry.
2sunny Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 He takes on providing for too many sick people. It leaves no room for you. Find someone more appropriate for your needs/wants. And never move again for any man!
Author acapelo_dp Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Thanks. I am leaning more towards ending it or just saying we can date casually but I have to live my life and not wait around for him. I just don't understand why he wants to be with me so badly if he has so little time for me. It's not like he is investing in me. Maybe he just wants me around for when it's convenient for him.
MidwestUSA Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 If you don't want to outright break up with him, just stop contacting him. Force his hand. Go out and do other things (I know you moved there - how will that out for you if you stay?) You've put up with this long enough. It would be different (maybe) if the father and brothers were ambitious and contributing. Your bf is pretty much their doormat. I see nothing changing anytime soon. So sorry about your mother. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 If you don't want to outright break up with him, just stop contacting him. Force his hand. Go out and do other things (I know you moved there - how will that out for you if you stay?) You've put up with this long enough. It would be different (maybe) if the father and brothers were ambitious and contributing. Your bf is pretty much their doormat. I see nothing changing anytime soon. So sorry about your mother. Thank you so much I talked to him lastnight, he texted me asking to hang out. I was kind of cold with him, not in a mean way just I wasn't interested in hanging out much. During dinner he asked "are we okay? like us" and I said yes. After we got back to my place we watched a movie and after I said that perhaps we should only hang out once a week, and casually date. He said "No, that will not work...that is like a pre-curser to a break up and that's not enough to sustain a relationship. Answer is no, next idea!" lol..so basically he is not cool with casually dating, and then he went on to say how if he is my "part time" boyfriend I may want to sleep with another guy or find another guy. That wasn't the thinking behind my idea, but... It seems he really wants to be together and does not want to break up. Every time I suggest taking a break, breaking up, or slowing down he gets upset. He told me just because he has stress in his life and is sometimes not communicative or needs a day to himself, doesnt mean it is because of me directly, just stress in general in his life. Not sure what to do now. I think I am just going to let him initiate contact/hang outs and basically do my own thing with my friends and not focus on him so much.
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) Sounds like your boyfriend is trying to get his family to be less dependent on him, by helping his brother into work and stuff, but they are constantly failing and falling back on him. I can understand his commitment to his family but he needs to find a way to make them less dependent on him and not allow his siblings to use him. He needs help to find a way out of this as it is likely to make him ill. You have your own needs and you've coped with this for a long time. I don't feel he's going to do anything but maintain he wants you until you give up on him, then he'll have to rethink everything. By that stage though, you've both lost each other. It's sad really. He needs a counsellor or someone who can look at the situation independently with him and see how he can help himself. Maybe relationship counselling is worth a try? If he can't find time for that, it's a lost cause. Edited April 7, 2014 by spiderowl
2sunny Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 This should be what is best for you. And you should have told him it's not working for you. Be honest with him. Either he makes a lot more effort with you - or you begin finding another man who will make you his priority.
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