yang2k4 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Hello guys. I'll appreciate your honest responses on this. I'm 26, and was dating a girl who was 23. Things go like this: (summary for those who don't want to read: she got issues and is breaking up because of them since "they prevent her to embrace love") I knew her from university about a year ago as we shared a class once. So we talked very briefly, mostly to greet each other whenever we meet up in the hallway. This January, we run on each other and started to talk a lot. I always thought she was cute so I decided to act and get a date, and asked her out. She accepted. We went out on a first coffee date. All went fine and she was eager for a second date. We did go out a second time for drinks and chatting and I did kiss her on that date. We started to date thru feb and all was fine, yet I started to notice some minor "issues" or things to keep in mind. Classes were going to start soon and she was going to be full of courses, but she enrolled in morning classes so we had time in the evening or night, and even thou she didn't say it seemed like the reason, she did say before doing that she needed to fill some time for me since it was going to be a pretty tight schedule for her. During february all went fine as she was on vacations and basically we had no issues getting together. So I thought that was good. Also She has a back problem so she does therapy (including swimming) a couple of hours per day. She told me at that point it was important for her and I did support her on the decision but of course, it meant fewer hours free. During february, when we started to get more close and sexual, she confessed she was a virgin and at that point in her life and that she basically had the following issues according to her: 1.)she had a moral conflict regarding pre-marital sex, 2.) she was obssesed with her weight so she thought that even if we did something, her weight was going to be a problem for her as she considered herself "ugly" until she reached a particular weight (hence another reason for swimming) and she hadn't reached it yet. As she used to have anorexy she told me it was difficult for her not to see her fat in the mirror even thou she is not. 3.) She had never dated anyone before except for a guy how she dated for 2 weeks when she was 21. No official BF neither. 4.) She did fantasized to be spanked and all that S&M stuff. so, at that point, I told her in all honestly: 1:) I had no problem going slow. If I was meant to be "the one" for her, then so be it. I wanted her to feel secured by my side and If I was going to be her first in many ways, to be fair, I didn't want to rush anything, nor being a douche. I told her it was hard for me to understand the weight issue but I was going to support her and even told her that I was kind of obssesed with my weight as well (to make her feel a bit better since I used to be very fat too). I said it was OK. I liked her and wanted to achieve more than just sex. And, regarding the S&M, I told her I did like the same stuff and she was very happy, saying she tought she was "weird" for having such tastes. Anyway, I knew she got issues, but fair and square, she was really nice with me. She was extremely helpful, caring and more than other "sane" women I've met thru this years. Besides, being too fat as a kid, I kind of understood how she might have lacked the experience and had the self-steam problem too and that it was'nt her fault really. Since things were going good (her cooking me dinner, telling her folks she did have a BF, going out together, meeting friends, she saying she felt I could be the one since I was all she was looking for in a man and thou she didn't love me love me yet, she felt she could, etc) I was happy. However, once classes were back, she started to feel pressured I assume. She said she felt bad to not have enough free time as she wanted for me, but her priorities were first (family,university,therapy and me (sort of tied up with her friends, whom she stopped seeing as much as before to free up time for me). Today, we talked. She said she wanted to end the relationship because she wasn't ready for one at this point. She said she thought it was easier to have a BF, that she thought the commitment wasn't as tough/big as it really was and that she simply had to work on her personal issues which she numbered as: 1.) lack of time due other stuff requiring more time, and 2.) Her premarital sex conflict in regards of wanting to have sex with me and 3.) her weight problem as she said she can't feel pretty and loved until she reach a certain weight and that both these last things were preventing her to love me. She said she did love and care for me but until she managed to work on those things, she couldn't completely love me and commit the way I deserved. Then she said that if those obstacles were gone she would be happy to continue the relationship but she wasn't sure how to deal with it or when she was going to be ready. She said she thought she was never going to be able to get over them and hence, not be able to embrace love. She said it was unfair for me to deal with that, but she would appreciate if I stuck around to support her and work on that together; no promises made and me not expecting a relationship in return because she couldn't promise anything. She said we weren't friends per se as everything that is beyond friendship (except for the sexual part: kissing included) was already there, but not more until she worked herself thru, including the BF label status since she wasn't ready for its implications. She said I was welcome to leave, and that if she sorts it out she was happy to let me know but she would like to keep going out for a coffee, or to a movie whenever she gets time off. That the only way she would back off is I tell her to back off as she would respect my decision. That I wasn't a toy for her and she respected me. She then said, that if we did that she saw two escenarios: 1 we could get to know each other better and she could even grow more feelings for me and use that to work harder to fix her issues or 2.) just see the feelings she had for me fade away with her insecurities and that she couldn't promise either way as the issue was too complicated to handle it and the decision wasn't easy for her. So finally, I said, I might be there to support her but I was going to give her her own space so she could reach me out when she wanted and we could work from there if we could . That if she wanted me there I could be there, but she had to know my feelings were more than just wanting to get laid and That if she realized down the road that she didn't love me, she should tell me as I deserved to know it. She said she loved me, but at this point not LOVE me and that she would be honest with me either way it went with her problems. So now, I don't know what to make of this. In all my years, I've never encountered a girl I was so connected with in many levels. but she's got issues. I don't know what to make of her words: an excuse to break up smoothly, or her own demons affecting her... Should I help her? Should I walk away.... I thought being dumped the first time was going to be easy, I was wrong. It ain't easy to process. I'll appreciate your help on this. I gotta admit I don't feel "bad" per se, but I really do care for her to make an account on this forum which I've lurked many times and ask for an advice.
LadyM Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 She said that you're welcome to leave........take her up on her offer. And leave her for good. She has nothing to offer you except manipulation and misery.
Author yang2k4 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 She said that you're welcome to leave........take her up on her offer. And leave her for good. She has nothing to offer you except manipulation and misery. Thanks for your words. and the following is just my steam coming out: I know I would love to hear better news but reading this forum made me realize something: she wanted to bail out for a reason and no matter what I say, it won't change that. I just feel frustrated to believing it was something worthwhile, but not from her perspective. I guess I'm just in that denial phase where I can't believe what happened and I'm trying to make it work in my head even thou in the deep end I think its not going to workout (getting back together). I guess that also leads me to wonder "did I something wrong?" what happened?" and how should I prevent that from happening again....I know she had issues and says that but I can't stop wondering if there was something more to her "truth". I just feel confused, not down in the dumps, just a bit down and hating my personal convictions as I've been exposed to vulnerability.
maestrok Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 My perspective is that she has already decided that you are not the one. Assuming all she said is absolutely true, she has issues that would take time to mend but doesnt feel the urgency or need to really make time to do that for you right now when she is really busy.
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