How to forgvie yourself and stop letting the self-blaming eating you up?

[kat1012]

I got dumped by my first boyfriend around 8 months ago. The first month, I was devastated, I wasn't totally sure why he dumped me. But as I look back more, I realize all the things I did that could have contributed to him leaving me.

 

My friends said he's not a good boyfriend anyway, that he's self-centered and that I deserved better. But then I realized I could be such an unpleasant person, by bringing up things he did or said which I didn't like or feel disrespected, but it's probably because I read into things or be too sensitive (aka being drama queen and he likes calling me that when I brought things up); by holding onto unnecessary anger since one time I got upset with him and after I got drunk and I brought up the things he did that week which upset me;

 

People say I need to love myself more, and realize I deserve better.

They kept saying he's not good anyway, but I just dont see it, I only see myself being a bad gf and messing things up w drama. I felt like they are saying it to make me feel better when I could actually be the one to blame

And I felt like they said it because it's based on what I b^tched to them when I was still in the relationship, and what I told them before could just be biased since at that time I thought I was right.

 

I just can't seem to forgive myself. It's eating me up, I am sick of myself rethinking what I have done and said. Why I can't seem to forgive myself? how to do that?

[kat1012]

You are on the tight track. Good to acknowledge what the issue is...at least those variables that you can control in future.

 

I like the way you realize that 'the advice' from friends, although well intentioned, can be based on our own related fuzzy picture of the reality. This is also so common on this forum...a one sided view of the other person and the other person is condemned as some type of evil being. I always like to ask...'if this so called evil person was sitting in the room what would he or she say?'

 

You are wiser. That's a real positive. You are unlikely to repeat the same behaviour in future.

 

I thought I was a caring gf, that I treated him the best I could, go find most of the time when he wanted me to unless I was busy with my stuff, be there for him, doing things for him. Apparently, I am not a good one, I can picture him telling his friends that I am some kind of crazy controlling dramatic bitch. and it sucks...

 

Recently, a friend of mine who occasionally talks to my ex since they both go climbing. I never told him anything about my ex or my past relationship, like what I have done or what he's done. He only knows that me and him used to date. My friend got drunk and he asked me why I am into my ex, that he's talked to him a few times and he's just a person who really loves himself. I felt a bit uneasy because he's supposingly saying this based on his interaction with my ex and less likely to be biased. And I still don't see it. I just see myself doing all the wrong in the relationship.

[maturityassets]

Forgiving yourself means acceptance of what has happened and who you are now. You are learning from this experience like most people. You shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed about anything because in all reality you are just trying to repay yourself. It is a difficult task but you have a future ahead of you and you shouldn't feel tied down to senses of self-blame. You are not looking for "better" but you are looking for someone who is complimentary to you, someone who is able to elevate you to look beyond the past and live in such a way you can accept what ever happened before as just part of the past and is allowing you to embrace life. Your friends who want to blame the other person, they really try to hide the fact that people get hurt. When we blame people we never move on. Deep down that resentment stays and becomes the fuel in which we act, never really breaking away from that spirit of revenge and jealousy; never forgetting that ex of ours and never appreciating our current selves and relationships