FredJones80 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 or to be more direct, why haven't you responded simply with "hey, sorry but being 'friends' with you is not going to work for me. I have respected your decision to breakup with me, so please respect mine and leave me alone to heal. I ask that you dont contact me unless the contact is about us getting back together" which is what I would do. . I like this, I wish I had done this Would of been better than completely ignoring and to be honest its direct, no messing about. Damn, why didn't you say this earlier 2
Elle1975 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 or to be more direct, why haven't you responded simply with "hey, sorry but being 'friends' with you is not going to work for me. I have respected your decision to breakup with me, so please respect mine and leave me alone to heal. I ask that you dont contact me unless the contact is about us getting back together" which is what I would do. "I have no interest in being just friends with you. Don't contact me", no need to go on explaining you need to heal and blah blah blah.. it's talk for your buddies or your mom. Don't even say something about getting back together. You imply it by saying you don't want to be just friends. 3
Author Stronger14 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Okay, I didn't respond to her at all.. But still, I miss her. I want her back after 4 months of being apart.. What can I do?
Ordinaryday Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Okay, I didn't respond to her at all.. But still, I miss her. I want her back after 4 months of being apart.. What can I do? I'm sorry but there is NOTHING you can do. ANYTHING you do, any contact or letters to her or declarations of love will just push her further away. the ONLY thing you can do is give her space and work on improving yourself. if she comes back she does, if she doesnt she doesnt. but I GUARANTEE that any declarations of love or long letters or texts to her and other things dumpees often do to 'win their ex back' will only succeed in pushing her further away. 2
Author Stronger14 Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 An update: It's been over a week, I didn't respond to her text, I deleted it. That was hard for me. What was also difficult: it's been 4 months, and although I had my brother change my Facebook password and went on Fb significantly less, I still kept her as a friend. I would randomly check on her page since the breakup. Last night, for whatever reason, I grew a pair and decided it was time and finally blocked and I friended her from Facebook. I thought I would feel better, but honestly I don't. I've been thinking about her a lot, thinking about whether that was the right thing for me. I still miss her. Hopefully things will get better soon 1
Author Stronger14 Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 I know that deleting her from Facebook was the right thing, but I still feel guilty about it. I still miss her, I still want her back, and I still have a desire to contact her and see what she's up to and take a chance to see if I can get her back. It's been 4 months, and I'm still not over this breakup. And although I've tried my hardest not to break no contact, the temptation is still there being as she's initiated contact 3 times (compared to my none) and I'm still wondering.. When will it get better? Help?
elseaacych Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Yeah, but those contacts were bullsh-t. Breadcrumbs. Not worth your time. It is not worth your time because she's hasn't amped up her game to really get your attention. Believe me, if she wanted back, she would be doing more than texting you. She has nothing to offer you. Whatever you want from her, you won't get it. But you can get it from yourself. It will get better when you are not paying attention. That's the thing about break ups and NC that suck the most. Things don't get better until you try to make it better, and you have to keep trying for a long time before you see any improvement. And even then, it's really only retroactive. You just have to keep doing your thing. You are good enough to be the person you want to be, so start being that person. I'm 6 months on, I am ages better than I was 4 months on, but I still have my bad days. I will still cry from time to time. But I just have to keep going forward, because moving forward, even if it doesn't feel like it, is better than wallowing in pain. As for facebook: answer these three questions. Do you want to see what she's doing, if you can't be part of it? Do you want her to see what you're doing, if she's not a part of your life? (And she isn't!) Does it really make sense to have her there if she's not really a friend? 3
me85 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 yeah, but those contacts were bullsh-t. Breadcrumbs. Not worth your time. It is not worth your time because she's hasn't amped up her game to really get your attention. Believe me, if she wanted back, she would be doing more than texting you. She has nothing to offer you. Whatever you want from her, you won't get it. But you can get it from yourself. It will get better when you are not paying attention. That's the thing about break ups and nc that suck the most. Things don't get better until you try to make it better, and you have to keep trying for a long time before you see any improvement. And even then, it's really only retroactive. You just have to keep doing your thing. You are good enough to be the person you want to be, so start being that person. I'm 6 months on, i am ages better than i was 4 months on, but i still have my bad days. I will still cry from time to time. But i just have to keep going forward, because moving forward, even if it doesn't feel like it, is better than wallowing in pain. As for facebook: Answer these three questions. Do you want to see what she's doing, if you can't be part of it? Do you want her to see what you're doing, if she's not a part of your life? (and she isn't!) does it really make sense to have her there if she's not really a friend? boom.
BC1980 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 An update: It's been over a week, I didn't respond to her text, I deleted it. That was hard for me. What was also difficult: it's been 4 months, and although I had my brother change my Facebook password and went on Fb significantly less, I still kept her as a friend. I would randomly check on her page since the breakup. Last night, for whatever reason, I grew a pair and decided it was time and finally blocked and I friended her from Facebook. I thought I would feel better, but honestly I don't. I've been thinking about her a lot, thinking about whether that was the right thing for me. I still miss her. Hopefully things will get better soon I deleted my ex's number from my phone a few weeks ago, and there were no fireworks. I was sad for a 5 minutes then went on with my day. Honestly, it won't even matter tomorrow. 1
me85 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 It's hard to ignore because it makes you feel mean or ungrateful. I dealt with this for months after my breakup. I felt like I was being mean to my ex by denying friendship or not responding to texts. It's really about keeping your sanity and being able to move on. You can't move on when someone keeps popping in and out of your life with the odd text or phone call now and then. I finally realized that I needed to do right by me, which mean going NC because that's really all you can do. It does seem weird to completely ignore a person who was once so important to you. I really had a hard time with that. I'm sure she's trying to be nice, but a lot of it is guilt from the dumper. It truly is. OMG! You totally nailed it! Perfectly. Love that last paragraph. That's currently where I'm at. I've said my goodbyes and finally did it for me! Oh it stings a lot right now, but I know it was ultimately the right thing to do. If he's meant to be a part of my life again then he will be. Without me having to do anything to make it happen. It's called having faith. lol But now I'm re-directing that faith inward. I have faith in myself. 1
Author Stronger14 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Thank you all for your replies.. I am trying my best to be strong, keep no contact, and keep moving forward.. Today I came back from a two week trip to Europe with my brother, which was awesome. However, now being back home for good (I just graduated) has been very hard for me.. It's been 5 months since I've been home, in my room, bed, and in my house in general, and it's bringing back so many painful memories. I've gotten rid of everything that reminds me of her in my house, but the memories still linger and I find myself so sad still. I guess another part that in struggling with since moving home is now I will be living 10 minutes away from her, in the same town.. I'm not worried about running into her, I'm just hoping I will have the strength not to break no contact. So far I've been okay - she's given me 3 "breadcrumbs" since the breakup, which was in January. But as you guys have said, they mean nothing.. And I've finally blocked her on Facebook, which hopefully will help me Yet I still have the urge to reach out to her. I just want to tell her I miss her, and see if she's really happier without me.. Bc it's been months, and I still miss what we had and want her back like I did right after the breakup..
me85 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Don't give in to your urge to reach out! You've been fine all this time because you've been busy. Just keep staying busy. When it's quiet and boring and thoughts of her come creeping in just remember that you are broken up (for whatever reason.) The end. If she really misses you then she will be the one to let you know it and if she really means it, she'll make attempts to get together to talk. Not text. 1
Sophia1213 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I'm sorry to say this, but YES IT IS! If she wanted you back she would make her intentions known, it is NOTHING BUT A BREADCRUMB. I am sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but in my experience dumpers are notorious for this. about six months or so after the break up and not hearing from you they start to get this nagging feeling of guilt over dumping you and hurting you and EVEN THOUGH THEY DO NOT WANT YOU BACK they want this guilt to be gone. and in their minds they decide that the way to go about achieving this is by doing a 'nice' (in their minds) thing for you by texting you to wish you happy birthday/merry christmas/happy graduation/whatever occasion. they want a text response from you saying something like "hey thanks, all the best to you" and if they get this their guilt will be gone and you will never hear from them again ! didn't I have this same conversation with you two months ago? read this BRILLIANT post made on loveshack four years ago - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/202685-why-your-ex-gf-not-coming-back - it really says it all absolutely perfectly! This is true, I didn't realize this is what i did to my ex...now I feel terrible. I never wanted to get back with him but I did care for him (none romantically) I thought asking him that i would take him out for lunch was "nice" now i know i should of just left him alone to heal.
Sophia1213 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Thank you all for your replies.. I am trying my best to be strong, keep no contact, and keep moving forward.. Today I came back from a two week trip to Europe with my brother, which was awesome. However, now being back home for good (I just graduated) has been very hard for me.. It's been 5 months since I've been home, in my room, bed, and in my house in general, and it's bringing back so many painful memories. I've gotten rid of everything that reminds me of her in my house, but the memories still linger and I find myself so sad still. I guess another part that in struggling with since moving home is now I will be living 10 minutes away from her, in the same town.. I'm not worried about running into her, I'm just hoping I will have the strength not to break no contact. So far I've been okay - she's given me 3 "breadcrumbs" since the breakup, which was in January. But as you guys have said, they mean nothing.. And I've finally blocked her on Facebook, which hopefully will help me Yet I still have the urge to reach out to her. I just want to tell her I miss her, and see if she's really happier without me.. Bc it's been months, and I still miss what we had and want her back like I did right after the breakup.. Watch 500 days of summer really good movie
Author Stronger14 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Don't give in to your urge to reach out! You've been fine all this time because you've been busy. Just keep staying busy. When it's quiet and boring and thoughts of her come creeping in just remember that you are broken up (for whatever reason.) The end. If she really misses you then she will be the one to let you know it and if she really means it, she'll make attempts to get together to talk. Not text. See my issue is, I'm still coping with the real "reason" that she broke things off.. Things were going great between us, and things seemed very happy and like I had a bright future with us. Maybe it was just me missing the subtle signs.. When she broke it off, she claimed the reason was she needed to "find herself", and that it would be the best thing for "us". Well, after reading posts on ls and thinking about the situation, I'm smart enough to know that the real "reason" was bc she wanted to find someone better than me. But that's still so hard to comprehend.. There was no fighting, no cheating, no major problems.. She decided that she would rather be alone and available to find someone else rather than be with me after 2.5 years of dating.. Yet I still want her back
Author Stronger14 Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 So today I ran into my ex's brother at the gym. We had been close when I was in the relationship. Afterwards, he texted me saying that it was good to see me and he hoped we could still keep in touch this summer. Then, we got into a convo about the ex.. I told him how it was crazy that 5 months have gone by since the breakup, and we have been in nc ever since. I told him that a part of me misses her and I think about her from time to time.. That was probably my first mistake, in saying that to him in the first place. He then proceeded to say that he does "know that she would want to be friends with me".. I know from reading up on loveshack that being friends with an ex is an awful move, and I expressed that it wouldn't be possible for me. Then he said that she "does care about me as a person and would love to know how things have been". What the fu.ck does that mean? If she cared about me, she wouldn't have broken my heart like she did. And she wants to know how I've been? Why would she give two shts? Lastly, he suggested I should reach out to "catch up". I told him that I don't see how anything good would come out of us catching up, and he responded "well you both kinda want to talk, so you won't know if you don't try". What do I even have to gain with reaching out to her? I'm 5 months post bu, I've been in nc ever since, with her reaching out 3 times. Once with a long email a month later which I responded with "we can't be friends", the second being a happy bday text which I responded "thanks hope all is well", and a congrats on graduation 3 weeks ago which I haven't responded to. I'm still not over her, I miss her like crazy, and since I've moved back home close to her my emotions are running wild. Should I maintain nc even tho her brother suggested I reach out to catch up?
Mr.Pine Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Should I maintain nc even tho her brother suggested I reach out to catch up? Stay NC. The brother is a putz. I would stay away from the brother, too. It's fooking with your head. Regardless of what you do, you told him how you felt. You just gave your ex major hand after rocking out 5 solid months of NC. Well, not so solid. You responded to her laughable breadcrumbs. You're back to square one, my friend.
Author Stronger14 Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Stay NC. The brother is a putz. I would stay away from the brother, too. It's fooking with your head. Regardless of what you do, you told him how you felt. You just gave your ex major hand after rocking out 5 solid months of NC. Well, not so solid. You responded to her laughable breadcrumbs. You're back to square one, my friend. I think staying away from the brother is a good move. Why does it matter that I told him how I felt? All I said was "a part of me does miss her, and I think about her sometimes". I didn't tell him I wanted her back. And perhaps more importantly, I had that conversation with him, rather than saying that to her. Even if he does tell her what I said, it doesn't change the situation. Whether or not she knows I miss her, I am still broken up. I don't think in back to square one. I'm trying to adjust to living back home where I was so used to being with her the past 3 years, and maybe I'm having a weak moment
Mr.Pine Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Why does it matter that I told him how I felt? All I said was "a part of me does miss her, and I think about her sometimes". It matters because she knows you're still into her and you look very, very weak. You may be in NC, but she knows you still dig her. The brother will most definitely march back and tell her. You buffet-fed her ego. Rookie move, telling the sibling of your ex your true feelings. Flush her, the brother and any other breadcrumbs that come your way. You're not healed...not by a long shot. 5 more months of TRUE NC. Class dismissed.
elseaacych Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 You ruined rule one of talking to the ex's family! Rule one: Don't talk about the ex! Oops.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Pretty much going to echo what everyone else said -- talking to her brother about your feelings about his sister was a huge faux pas. He's her confidant, not yours, therefore anything you say to him you basically said to her, as he's going to tell her everything. And although you didn't tell him straight up that you want her back, he can tell and he definitely told her that you are pining for her. I know what you are going through. I was in a somewhat similar situation with the ex that brought me here. She was the sister-in-law of my best friend. It was easier because she had her sister (my friend's wife) and I had my friend to talk to about things. I have never brought my ex up to my friend's wife even now (I saw my friend and his wife last week), nearly two years removed. My ex might have talked to my friend a couple of times, but if she did, it was minimal. Either way, next time you see the brother, do not mention your ex at all. If he brings it up, respectfully and politely change the subject.
Author Stronger14 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Okay so I learned my lesson and will not be breaking nc with the ex, and will not be talking to her brother.. Her brother also told me something that has really been bothering me.. The reasons she gave me for breaking up was to "find herself", which I have realized was to see what else is out there.. There was nobody else lined up. I hear from her brother that she's been going out and partying a lot, and pretty much being really desperate and possible slu.ty. Now, I know I have to stop finding out information about her. It just really stings that she deliberately broke up with me not for someone specific, but to find someone better than me.. Screw that. I treated her like gold, and she doesn't realize what she's lost.. And now she's out being desperate while I sit here still wanting her back. I almost wish she had dumped me for someone else..
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