BC1980 Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Here's the problem with texting "thank you." You have an expectation attached to it. You want it to mean something that it doesn't, so you can't respond. First and foremost, your responsibility it to yourself. If that means not responding, so be it because this isn't a partnership anymore.
Author Stronger14 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 Here's the problem with texting "thank you." You have an expectation attached to it. You want it to mean something that it doesn't, so you can't respond. First and foremost, your responsibility it to yourself. If that means not responding, so be it because this isn't a partnership anymore. You are 100% right with this. I texted her back thank you with the expectation that a conversation would arise. Well, it's been a week later, and no response back. As time goes on, the hope for reconciliation gets less and less.. But honestly, 3 months later, it's still there, and it sucks. Not only did it give me a burden on my bday, I was rather down for the 3 days following it.. Yes, I made a poor decision to respond and break nc. I am not arguing with that. However, if I hadn't responded, I would of spent a good amount of time debating what I should do about it. I made a decision, and I know I have to live with it. I hate that a part of me still wants her back. Maybe it's the fact that I miss her like crazy, or maybe it's the fact that I haven't found someone else yet. And to make matters worse, I will be moving back home in less than a month after I graduate college. Then I'll be less than 10 minutes away. I am dreading that a lot.
Ordinaryday Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 You are 100% right with this. I texted her back thank you with the expectation that a conversation would arise. Well, it's been a week later, and no response back. As time goes on, the hope for reconciliation gets less and less.. But honestly, 3 months later, it's still there, and it sucks. Not only did it give me a burden on my bday, I was rather down for the 3 days following it.. Yes, I made a poor decision to respond and break nc. I am not arguing with that. However, if I hadn't responded, I would of spent a good amount of time debating what I should do about it. I made a decision, and I know I have to live with it. I hate that a part of me still wants her back. Maybe it's the fact that I miss her like crazy, or maybe it's the fact that I haven't found someone else yet. And to make matters worse, I will be moving back home in less than a month after I graduate college. Then I'll be less than 10 minutes away. I am dreading that a lot. stick around here awhile and you will realise WHY she texted you, because people here have similar stories. She texted you because she is feeling a little guilty about dumping you and breaking your heart and while she is still sticking by her decision (meaning she doesnt want you back) she wants her conscience to be cleared by seeing that things between the two of you are 'okay'. she texted you because she wants to be seen to be doing something 'nice' for you, and if you respond back politely, as you did, she can tell herself that things between the two of you are fine and she will stop feeling guilty and go chill out with her new man with a clear conscience. the text was about HER, not you. she sent it for herself. and when you responded you gave her everything she wanted (a clear conscience and a polite response) and you got nothing you wanted (her coming back to you, or at least engaging in a conversation). she won, you lost. please dont make the same mistake again. but you probably wont get the chance - now that you have cleared her conscience she likely wont see any need to text you a merry Christmas or on your B'Day next year. 2
Author Stronger14 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 It's been 4 months since my breakup. I dated the ex for 2.5 years, ldr. It's been a long, slow process of getting over her, and I still miss her. I've been in no contact since the breakup, with the exception that she texted me on my birthday, and I responded with. "Thanks hope all is well with you". Been nc since that. Today I receive a text from her saying "congratulations on graduating, you worked so hard and deserve it all, enjoy every bit of this weekend!" Really grinds my gears. What should I do? A part of me knows I should just ignore it, but another part of me wants to respond and see what happens. And why would she even bother sending that? Like it's been 4 months of not having eachother in our lives, why would she care to send that message in the first place? Just to be nice?
KaliLove Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 You know what you need to do. You also know why she sent it. Here fishy fishy fishy... 3
Author Stronger14 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 So she was just trying to be nice and the best thing for me to do is just ignore it? Idk why that's hard for me
BC1980 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 So she was just trying to be nice and the best thing for me to do is just ignore it? Idk why that's hard for me It's hard to ignore because it makes you feel mean or ungrateful. I dealt with this for months after my breakup. I felt like I was being mean to my ex by denying friendship or not responding to texts. It's really about keeping your sanity and being able to move on. You can't move on when someone keeps popping in and out of your life with the odd text or phone call now and then. I finally realized that I needed to do right by me, which mean going NC because that's really all you can do. It does seem weird to completely ignore a person who was once so important to you. I really had a hard time with that. I'm sure she's trying to be nice, but a lot of it is guilt from the dumper. It truly is. 4
KaliLove Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Also, she didn't ask a question in her text. So technically there's no need to respond anyway. 1
Author Stronger14 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 A part of me just wants to respond to her and tell her how much I've missed her.. even though I know that would just make things worse.. resisting the urge to respond sucks.. but do I have anything to gain by responding?
STM206 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 A part of me just wants to respond to her and tell her how much I've missed her.. even though I know that would just make things worse.. resisting the urge to respond sucks.. but do I have anything to gain by responding? In a perfect world, yes you would gain something. We all have this idea that if they text us, it means something deep. What were your first thoughts when you got the the birthday text? Let me guess. Joy, omg she's thinking about me, she's reaching out to possibly reconcile, she's not happy with her new partner, etc. Then how did your birthday and the weeks after go? You spent the one day out of the year that was "your day" sad and bummed out. She may sincerely be trying to stay on good terms with you or she could be fishing for you to ask if you wanted to reconcile. However, if she feels like she made a mistake, she would let it be known. My advice (which I need to follow) is take it for what it is. If you do reply (you're going to do what you want to do) don't EXPECT anything. Don't expect a response, don't expect her to come running back.
elseaacych Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 A part of me just wants to respond to her and tell her how much I've missed her.. even though I know that would just make things worse.. resisting the urge to respond sucks.. but do I have anything to gain by responding? There is a high chance for disappointment if it turns out all she wanted to do is wish you happy birthday. On the other hand, by maintaining NC, you may wonder, but you don't get your hopes up because of it. If she really wanted to let you know, she would. I suggest you don't do it, ride out the wave of wanting to contact. (What are you going to say to her: "Thanks?" And drop it? Meh. Not worth it.) 2
KaliLove Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I agree with Elsea. If she wanted you back or wanted to maintain a friendship or anything, she would have continued the conversation after your birthday instead of just leaving it at a happy birthday. 2
BC1980 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 A part of me just wants to respond to her and tell her how much I've missed her.. even though I know that would just make things worse.. resisting the urge to respond sucks.. but do I have anything to gain by responding? Texting a happy birthday is the most common thing a dumper does and means the least. I got the obligatory happy birthday text as well and dumbly responded. I got noting back after that and was hurt of course. It served as yet another reminder that things were not what they used to be. It's easier to just cut it off completely. It's hurts deeply in the short term but benefits you more in the long term. 1
Author Stronger14 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Texting a happy birthday is the most common thing a dumper does and means the least. I got the obligatory happy birthday text as well and dumbly responded. I got noting back after that and was hurt of course. It served as yet another reminder that things were not what they used to be. It's easier to just cut it off completely. It's hurts deeply in the short term but benefits you more in the long term. I hear you.. My original post was concerning the birthday text, which was a month ago.. And yes, I decided to respond, and got nothing back, and that hurt a bunch. Since then I've been getting better.. However, my most recent post was about her "congrats on graduation" text, for which I haven't responded.. It sounds like the general consensus is that I shouldn't respond, as I have more to lose by starting a conversation, correct?
KaliLove Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Correct. If she wants to talk to you, she'll text again.
BC1980 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I hear you.. My original post was concerning the birthday text, which was a month ago.. And yes, I decided to respond, and got nothing back, and that hurt a bunch. Since then I've been getting better.. However, my most recent post was about her "congrats on graduation" text, for which I haven't responded.. It sounds like the general consensus is that I shouldn't respond, as I have more to lose by starting a conversation, correct? I don't believe there is any benefit to you responding. It's called setting boundaries, and it has nothing to do with being mean or immature. It's what you do when you breakup up, so you can move on.
organizedchaos Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 So she was just trying to be nice and the best thing for me to do is just ignore it? Idk why that's hard for me Was she nice to you when she broke your heart? Why does she deserve any different from you? 1
Elle1975 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I just can't wait for his birthday to be here.. under a month. I still haven't decided what I'm going to treat myself with.. decision decision... 4
Ordinaryday Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Texting a happy birthday is the most common thing a dumper does and means the least. I got the obligatory happy birthday text as well and dumbly responded. I got noting back after that and was hurt of course. It served as yet another reminder that things were not what they used to be. It's easier to just cut it off completely. It's hurts deeply in the short term but benefits you more in the long term. the dumpers may think it is a nice thing to do for the dumpee but I maintain it is actually a cruel thing because it delays your healing and moving on. I maintain that if a dumper truly cared about their wellbeing of the dumpee (but didnt want them back) then the NICEST thing they could possibly do for the dumpee is to leave them 100% alone - no birthday texts, no merry christmas texts, no good luck with your exam text, NOTHING. this will allow the dumpee to move on quicker. if you get a breadcrumb from the dumper, all that says to me is that they are putting their needs (alleviating their guilt) ahead of your needs (getting over the relationship and healing) which is the very definition of selfish. 1
Ordinaryday Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Was she nice to you when she broke your heart? Why does she deserve any different from you? absolute PERFECT summation. this is exactly how I feel. I NEVER give my dumpers anything, never be nice to them or do anything to relieve their guilt, they are DEAD TO ME. A few friends have said I am being 'harsh' on them and my answer is what you said - they didnt care about my wellbeing when they dumped me, so why on earth would I care about their wellbeing by responding to a text and relieving their guilt? 5
Author Stronger14 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 absolute PERFECT summation. this is exactly how I feel. I NEVER give my dumpers anything, never be nice to them or do anything to relieve their guilt, they are DEAD TO ME. A few friends have said I am being 'harsh' on them and my answer is what you said - they didnt care about my wellbeing when they dumped me, so why on earth would I care about their wellbeing by responding to a text and relieving their guilt? I like your perspective on this. I wish I hadn't received any text from my ex, it would've been easier. I guess I'm worrying a bit - I'm about to move back home after graduation, back to living in the same town as my ex and I'll be less than 10 minutes away from her.. I hate how I've been feeling since hearing from her. Its like my brain is telling me that I shouldn't respond, nothing is going to come out of it and there's potential for me to get hurt all over.. Which is terrible especially since I've been 4 months post breakup and doing okay with no contact.. But then my hearts telling me to go for it.. respond and see how it goes, see what happens and I'll get a better sense of where her heads at.. the temptation is all too real, and I'm fighting the urge to just text her back and tell her how much I miss her. I just don't get it though, if she was done with me and the relationship, why even bother to wish me congrats on graduation? is it really just to make herself feel better and relieve some guilt of breaking up with me?
Ordinaryday Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 if she was done with me and the relationship, why even bother to wish me congrats on graduation? is it really just to make herself feel better and relieve some guilt of breaking up with me? I'm sorry to say this, but YES IT IS! If she wanted you back she would make her intentions known, it is NOTHING BUT A BREADCRUMB. I am sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but in my experience dumpers are notorious for this. about six months or so after the break up and not hearing from you they start to get this nagging feeling of guilt over dumping you and hurting you and EVEN THOUGH THEY DO NOT WANT YOU BACK they want this guilt to be gone. and in their minds they decide that the way to go about achieving this is by doing a 'nice' (in their minds) thing for you by texting you to wish you happy birthday/merry christmas/happy graduation/whatever occasion. they want a text response from you saying something like "hey thanks, all the best to you" and if they get this their guilt will be gone and you will never hear from them again ! didn't I have this same conversation with you two months ago? read this BRILLIANT post made on loveshack four years ago - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/202685-why-your-ex-gf-not-coming-back - it really says it all absolutely perfectly!
Ordinaryday Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 and you know another reason why she keeps texting you? Because YOU LET HER DO IT. why haven't you changed your mobile number? get a new one, tell your friends and work colleagues your new number, don't tell her. why haven't you texted her in response to her bday breadcrumb "this caller has used caller ID to block this number. all future texts from this number will be disregarded?" in accordance to the NC guide? or to be more direct, why haven't you responded simply with "hey, sorry but being 'friends' with you is not going to work for me. I have respected your decision to breakup with me, so please respect mine and leave me alone to heal. I ask that you dont contact me unless the contact is about us getting back together" which is what I would do. the more direct approach would stop leave breadcrumbs every few months or so, which set you back.
silvereyez Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I agree this is all about her, you're either feeding her narcissism or letting her off the hook for the way she treated you. If she wanted you back she would make it known. And paradoxically, if she had any thoughts of regret about losing you and wanted you back, ignoring her would fuel that fire 10 fold, she would be thinking about what you're doing, fearing you have moved on, how dare you? and it would greatly increase her anxiety over you. But why would you want her back anyway? Every time you contact her back, you are giving up the fact that you are not over her. You validate her by doing this. Regardless of this, the one thing you should be doing now is moving on, and when you have moved on, and if she ever wants you back, you will be ready to tell her calm as day, "no, and never contact me again". You need time to heal. Be good to yourself. You deserve better and you will find happiness with someone deserving of you, your time, and your love. Block her number. Block her Facebook. Block her everything. In time this will serve you, in every way possible. 3
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