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People who wind up involved with someone they wouldn't have dated otherwise

irc333

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irc333 Established Member

irc333

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My recent post here in regards to "Being compatible, but not interested". Spawned off something else...here.

 

I have had some friends that mentioned they usually date blonde's, brunettes, etc.

 

Won't date red heads, but wind up with said person anyhow, because it happened organically. I see this happen all the time. Does this mean that they settled?

 

What time in your life did you throw out your list of unrealistic expectations? If you had "baldness" as a dealbreaker....and you wound up with a bald guy anyhow?

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iiiii Established Member

iiiii

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My partner is way different to what I expected in lots of ways - older than me, and also nearly an inch shorter (I've never dated anyone shorter than me before!)

 

We got to know each other as friends and then realized we really liked each other, and took it from there. It seems to be working so far. :D

 

I think that's probably the key. If you meet someone as a stranger, instant physical attraction has to be there for you to even consider going on a date. But if you get to know and like each other as friends, physical attraction can grow later.

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irc333 Established Member

irc333

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My partner is way different to what I expected in lots of ways - older than me, and also nearly an inch shorter (I've never dated anyone shorter than me before!)

 

We got to know each other as friends and then realized we really liked each other, and took it from there. It seems to be working so far. :D

 

I think that's probably the key. If you meet someone as a stranger, instant physical attraction has to be there for you to even consider going on a date. But if you get to know and like each other as friends, physical attraction can grow later.

 

 

Yeah, that's why online dating has so many hurdles. People just thumb through it and just look at the "Height" numbers, go "Nope" and move on. They don't even read the email that's sent.

 

If this SAME person had met them in person, like at a Meetup, etc....then it would give them an opportunity that they would have in PERSON than they would've online.

 

I think that's why men lie about their height online lol...they try to hook them into a MEET...and try to demonstrate their personality face-to-face.

 

But sometimes that may backfire as the woman may be shallow enough to say, "Hey, you're not the height you stated...I'm outta here!" Well, she's just as shallow online as she is in person I suppose. Though, that's probably what's keeping her chronically single, too.

 

But yeah, such the challenge of online dating...in person, sometimes that's not even noticed if the person's personality OVERshadows the rest.

iiiii Established Member

iiiii

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Absolutely. On line dating is another level altogether - it's relying entirely on looks (and on whatever you choose to write about yourself).

 

I definitely wouldn't have given my sweetie another glance on an online dating site, and probably not even if he'd been a complete stranger asking me out.

MixedUpChick Established Member

MixedUpChick

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Yeah, that's why online dating has so many hurdles. Some people just thumb through it and just look at the "Height" numbers, go "Nope" and move on. They don't even read the email that's sent.

 

 

Fixed it for you. :laugh:

I used to get annoyed about the men that won't even take the time to try to know me, but I've come to realize it's their loss & I don't want them either if they're that shallow. The right man will realize how awesome I am & I don't care about the rest.

 

What time in your life did you throw out your list of unrealistic expectations? If you had "baldness" as a dealbreaker....and you wound up with a bald guy anyhow?

 

Not everyone has a list of unrealistic expectations. Stop focusing on the ones that don't want you... I see a ton of posts where people complain about this - it happens a lot, to both men & women - but stop wasting time & energy dwelling on it. Either accept online dating for what it is & how it works, or don't do it.

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HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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Yeah, that's why online dating has so many hurdles. People just thumb through it and just look at the "Height" numbers, go "Nope" and move on. They don't even read the email that's sent.

 

If this SAME person had met them in person, like at a Meetup, etc....then it would give them an opportunity that they would have in PERSON than they would've online.

 

I think that's why men lie about their height online lol...they try to hook them into a MEET...and try to demonstrate their personality face-to-face.

 

But sometimes that may backfire as the woman may be shallow enough to say, "Hey, you're not the height you stated...I'm outta here!" Well, she's just as shallow online as she is in person I suppose. Though, that's probably what's keeping her chronically single, too.

 

But yeah, such the challenge of online dating...in person, sometimes that's not even noticed if the person's personality OVERshadows the rest.

 

 

It's not that the woman is shallow that makes her ditch the guy. It's the fact that he's a LIAR! If you lie about something like height, something that you can not change, something that your date will figure out as soon as she sees you....one has to wonder what else you'll lie about. HUGE red flag there and a insecure lying man is not attractive.

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tbf Established Member

tbf

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It's the difference between on paper idealized preferences and real life. Some settle, others realize there's a difference between fantasy and reality, where chemistry happens in reality.

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buffalo New Member

buffalo

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Sometimes what people think is 'their type' doesn't end up panning out when they meet someone they're drawn to for whatever reason. I find that people either click or they don't.

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irc333 Established Member

irc333

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It's not that the woman is shallow that makes her ditch the guy. It's the fact that he's a LIAR! If you lie about something like height, something that you can not change, something that your date will figure out as soon as she sees you....one has to wonder what else you'll lie about. HUGE red flag there and a insecure lying man is not attractive.

 

People lie all the time to a certain extent. Even if it's a white lie. Usually they lie about certain things and not others.

InnocentMan Established Member

InnocentMan

Posted
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People want to date their Mother, Father, or an ex from the distant past that ditched them. They subconsciously develop a list of attractive qualities they search, that they then pass off as original thoughts, and preferences.

 

Before the wonderful invention of world travel and the internets, people generally met their partner in a very small radius from where they lived. The reason for this is proximity, and familiarity. Much more important factors than physical qualities. For example, I may think I like blondes, but if I only meet brunettes at work, or in social settings, the odds are extremely high that I will grow to like them also.

 

The internets, and mobility are screwing this up a little, but people still generally meet their other half in close proximity to where they live. Their ideal partner is very unlikely to live near, so we all subconsciously compromise. Suddenly you see that a baldy head isn't really that important, and see the person as much more than just a hairstyle.

 

This is why it makes me laugh when men cry about being friendzoned. It's the best place to be if you want to bang a chick who under normal circumstances treats you like a bit of **** on her shoe. Familiarity is king, not what they think they prefer.

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irc333 Established Member

irc333

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Yes indeed, familiarity.

 

I live in a small town, but with the internet it allows people access to others they'd NEVER would've met in real life.

 

No one meets at the local county fair, local church, local <insert small town , think of movie with Michael J. Fox..Doc Hollywood where he finds himself in that small town>

 

It's funny though, the smaller the town...the same faces I keep seeing over and over again the closer the range of my search. They must be traveling miles and miles (or making the men come to them).

 

Its also funny seeing the new faces join the site in my town. They are typically "New in town" and most of the people in my area are retirees...so they jump online to see who IS available...and under the age of 65. LOL

 

Usually they've relocated here to be near their family.

 

For the natives...we do have our cute redneck girls, but they are usually coupled up with men all tatted up and at least have some kind of criminal record .

 

 

People want to date their Mother, Father, or an ex from the distant past that ditched them. They subconsciously develop a list of attractive qualities they search, that they then pass off as original thoughts, and preferences.

 

Before the wonderful invention of world travel and the internets, people generally met their partner in a very small radius from where they lived. The reason for this is proximity, and familiarity. Much more important factors than physical qualities. For example, I may think I like blondes, but if I only meet brunettes at work, or in social settings, the odds are extremely high that I will grow to like them also.

 

The internets, and mobility are screwing this up a little, but people still generally meet their other half in close proximity to where they live. Their ideal partner is very unlikely to live near, so we all subconsciously compromise. Suddenly you see that a baldy head isn't really that important, and see the person as much more than just a hairstyle.

 

This is why it makes me laugh when men cry about being friendzoned. It's the best place to be if you want to bang a chick who under normal circumstances treats you like a bit of **** on her shoe. Familiarity is king, not what they think they prefer.

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

Posted
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No one meets at the local county fair, local church, local <insert small town , think of movie with Michael J. Fox..Doc Hollywood where he finds himself in that small town>

Actually, my nephew met his wife at the State Fair. My other nephew met his wife at his church. My kids met their wives/girlfriends at their college. My niece met her husband at the local small town hang out spot. They are all in their 20s. People do still meet in the typical ways, where they are meeting people in their own town. My other niece met her fiance through OLD. The majority of people still meet their SO through their social circles or out IRL.

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irc333 Established Member

irc333

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Actually, my nephew met his wife at the State Fair. My other nephew met his wife at his church. My kids met their wives/girlfriends at their college. My niece met her husband at the local small town hang out spot. They are all in their 20s. People do still meet in the typical ways, where they are meeting people in their own town. My other niece met her fiance through OLD. The majority of people still meet their SO through their social circles or out IRL.

 

Heck, maybe we should all follow their examples. lol

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KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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People lie all the time to a certain extent. Even if it's a white lie. Usually they lie about certain things and not others.

It's not a good impression to make, to start off a meeting with a lie. When my sister did OLD recently, before meeting her new husband, she would encounter a lot of men who lied about their height, their weight, or their age. Instant turn off for her that he lied in order to manipulate a date, and needless to say, the guy never got a second date. It's never a good idea to lie about yourself on OLD, because women (and men) will feel duped that you lied, and will think you are insecure and manipulative. Not a good first impression to make, by any means.

MixedUpChick Established Member

MixedUpChick

Posted
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People want to date their Mother, Father, or an ex from the distant past that ditched them.

 

I don't know what "people" you know, but no way do I want to date anyone like my mother, father, or any ex. :sick: The kind of people I want to date are EXTREMELY different from those people, almost exact opposites!

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KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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Heck, maybe we should all follow their examples. lol

I'm just saying, there are many ways to meet a potential partner, so you shouldn't limit yourself to just OLD, or just a few different ways to meet people. Use every option you can, and don't underestimate the traditional ways of meeting people.

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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My recent post here in regards to "Being compatible, but not interested". Spawned off something else...here.

 

I have had some friends that mentioned they usually date blonde's, brunettes, etc.

 

Won't date red heads, but wind up with said person anyhow, because it happened organically. I see this happen all the time. Does this mean that they settled?

 

What time in your life did you throw out your list of unrealistic expectations? If you had "baldness" as a dealbreaker....and you wound up with a bald guy anyhow?

 

Funnily, my deal breakers have never been superficial things like hair color.

 

Deal breakers for me are actually characteristics of personality, lifestyle, values...physical traits are preferences but not deal breakers.

 

I can and have dated people who looks wise may not have been my first choice, but grew on me.

 

I actually don't really understand how grown people can choose partners based on silly things like hair color...I really truly don't get it. I get having preferences physically, I have mine, but I do realize that those are only icing on the cake and what are actual deal breakers are things like how you treat me, your values, things like that.

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Teraskas Established Member

Teraskas

Posted
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Honestly, the only qualities which I check (through online) when viewing a profile are: Her age ? Does she smoke ? Does she do drugs ? Does she have kids ?

 

If the answer to ANY of those categories is 'yes' then I will skip.

Huge deal breakers for me to be honest.

If not, then I will actually bother to read the entire profile contrary to most guys. :p

melodymatters Established Member

melodymatters

Posted
Posted
Honestly, the only qualities which I check (through online) when viewing a profile are: Her age ? Does she smoke ? Does she do drugs ? Does she have kids ?

 

If the answer to ANY of those categories is 'yes' then I will skip.

Huge deal breakers for me to be honest.

If not, then I will actually bother to read the entire profile contrary to most guys. :p

 

So, she has to be an unborn fetus or a corpse ?:laugh:

  • Like 1
melodymatters Established Member

melodymatters

Posted
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And for a more serious answer, absolutely YES ! My husband and I met at work after I had been widowed for 2.5 yrs and not dating at ALL. We became friends who hung out here and there but both assumed the other was in their mid 30's. Turned out we were wrong and he was a LOT younger and I was a lot older.

 

Oh well, happily married for almost three yrs now, best friends and a truly healthy, happy supportive relationship.

 

I NEVER would have even replied to him online if I knew his age !

 

Come to think of it, probably the one person I dated that I would I have " picked" online was the biggest nightmare of all !

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Teraskas Established Member

Teraskas

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So, she has to be an unborn fetus or a corpse ?:laugh:

 

Age being between 18 and 30. :p

I might be lenient with regards to that as a guy, whereas many women are not. ^^

loveislife11 New Member

loveislife11

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You are speaking of "lowered expectations" or the decline syndrome where we settle. This is not a healthy method, because the possibility of resentment starting to germinate. First is accepting and loving ourselves, and altering ourselves on the basis of health rather than image(lust)we can then apply the process of need and calling to our lives and identify where our steps need to be taken. These steps are always with caution and wisdom.

 

We look for partnership with another from a calling in truth, and not in selfish ambition of lust or greed. If there is desire we have to question it with wisdom. "Am I looking to satiate a desire of the flesh or satiate a financial instability or am I looking to create a family in love and nurturing environment?"

 

The latter is the correct one. It is the fundamental cohesion that binds the true nature of love and an inner desire for growth in a healthy manner. The idea of settling or just accepting what happens sometimes can lead to difficulties. I have been down that road and do not regret not having just settled. Resentment would of built and a relationship cannot flourish in healthy manner short of the grace of GOD through his son JESUS.

 

Partnering for the wrong intent and purposes is just plain WRONG!!

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irc333 Established Member

irc333

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Well, it all depends on the parameters of settling. You might want to take a look at "When is okay to settle for Mr. Good Enough: The fine line between settling and compromising"

 

Author Lori Gottlieb makes a case for why women should settle in marriage

 

She emphasizes how women tend to focus too much on what does NOT matter when it comes to finding a suitable partner than actually what DOES matter.

 

For instance, something insignificant things that people to think are dealbreakers. Height parameters, won't date a person with a certain color of hair, etc.

 

To just completely discount what doesn't matter is what has kept women single or they just seem to be looking for something that can never be found.

 

Now if you're talking different belief systems, that you say...are a Christian that settled on marrying an atheist...well then, you will have problems and that's where the resentment will come in.

 

But I'm sure someone who "settled' on dating and/or marrying the red head, did not settle at all. Chances are there won't be resentment in this case.

 

 

You are speaking of "lowered expectations" or the decline syndrome where we settle. This is not a healthy method, because the possibility of resentment starting to germinate. First is accepting and loving ourselves, and altering ourselves on the basis of health rather than image(lust)we can then apply the process of need and calling to our lives and identify where our steps need to be taken. These steps are always with caution and wisdom.

 

We look for partnership with another from a calling in truth, and not in selfish ambition of lust or greed. If there is desire we have to question it with wisdom. "Am I looking to satiate a desire of the flesh or satiate a financial instability or am I looking to create a family in love and nurturing environment?"

 

The latter is the correct one. It is the fundamental cohesion that binds the true nature of love and an inner desire for growth in a healthy manner. The idea of settling or just accepting what happens sometimes can lead to difficulties. I have been down that road and do not regret not having just settled. Resentment would of built and a relationship cannot flourish in healthy manner short of the grace of GOD through his son JESUS.

 

Partnering for the wrong intent and purposes is just plain WRONG!!

  • Like 1
nescafe1982 Established Member

nescafe1982

Posted
Posted

I am nearly certain that if I'd met my current SO in a real-life situation (and not OLD), I wouldn't have looked twice at him.

 

But that certainly would not have happened, at any rate... because we come from totally different walks of life and the chances of us crossing paths "naturally" was next to nil.

 

He's not what I would have called my "type." He's tall and handsome, sure, but incredibly geeky and not as socially active as I am. He's a fantastic guy: compassionate, genuine, hard-working, and funny. But if I saw him, being a wallflower on his laptop in a cafe or bar (places he wouldn't have been in, for starters), my eye might have missed him entirely.

 

OLD allowed me to chat with him and truly consider him as an "option." By the time we met in person, I was already smitten. :)

 

"Types," and especially physical types, are so arbitrary as to be meaningless. We like what we like... and often, what we THINK we like and what we actually like are very different.

 

I guess that is all to say I tried not to rely on who is (or is not) my "type."

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Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

Posted
Posted
People want to date their Mother, Father, or an ex from the distant past that ditched them. They subconsciously develop a list of attractive qualities they search, that they then pass off as original thoughts, and preferences.

 

Before the wonderful invention of world travel and the internets, people generally met their partner in a very small radius from where they lived. The reason for this is proximity, and familiarity. Much more important factors than physical qualities. For example, I may think I like blondes, but if I only meet brunettes at work, or in social settings, the odds are extremely high that I will grow to like them also.

 

The internets, and mobility are screwing this up a little, but people still generally meet their other half in close proximity to where they live. Their ideal partner is very unlikely to live near, so we all subconsciously compromise. Suddenly you see that a baldy head isn't really that important, and see the person as much more than just a hairstyle.

 

This is why it makes me laugh when men cry about being friendzoned. It's the best place to be if you want to bang a chick who under normal circumstances treats you like a bit of **** on her shoe. Familiarity is king, not what they think they prefer.

 

 

This is too true. Pretty much all the heterosexual sex I've ever had came from that scenario. Everyone has a long list of things they would like if they could have anyone they want. 99% of people realize that they won't get that and that the person next door, down the street, at work, etc ain't so bad.

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