My mind is numb after boyfriend's confession

[Emilia]

You just confirmed you do specialize only in stupid quick comments.

Don't worry about that poster, he is around under many different usernames for very short periods of time......

[TAV]

I am not defending him, I just got online and seeing that some facts aren't straight here.

 

Like I said, if he goes ahead with it I am gone. Although I know deep down I should be gone gone from right now. *sigh*.

 

Gaeta, from your previous posts I got the impression that you are a very strong woman, with a good head on her shoulders and who knows what she wants. That does not mean that I think you should run at the first hurdle. I'm sure you are going to do what's best for you in the end.

 

I think your bf should have been crystal clear about this situation from the beginning or not have gotten involved with you to start with. Several posters have talked about immigration laws; I think it is important that you educate yourself on them, if you aren't already, so that when you have a conversation with him about this you can tell if he is speaking the truth or making a whole lot of drama over nothing.

 

I would be very weary if I was you; try not to lose your head and do impulsive things. And if he pulls another bunny out of a hat, be gone. I'm saying this because my ex-husband put me through a rollercoaster at the start of our relationship and I got so caught up in solving/controlling one crisis after another and defending 'us' to the world that I did not realise till years later that I never gave myself time to evaluate if he was indeed the man for me, if we were really compatible and, most importantly, if he would have made the same sacrifices for me.

[FitChick]

I am not sure I understand how someone can live here illegally and have an apartment to their name, it's nice place, new building, new furniture, he has a fairly new car too, I saw his drivers license, at his house the bills are coming in under his name. Doesn't look like he got here illegally. Maybe now everything is expired but I believe he got here legally.

Millions of illegals in the US live the same way. The ones in my neighborhood drive much newer cars than mine. Pisses me off that I am financing their lifestyle.

[Gaeta]

Millions of illegals in the US live the same way. The ones in my neighborhood drive much newer cars than mine. Pisses me off that I am financing their lifestyle.

My bf is not illegal, and he is paying his income tax just like I do.

[Kelemvor]

Marrying someone under duress from Visa/Deportation issues is a bad idea. You know it. We know it. I don't know anything about this individual but it appears as if he is leaving out specifics. I would be seeking definitive clarity on the situation if I were you. A very specific explanation as to why he now feels forced to marry someone in order to stay in the country.

 

It almost sounds as if he's pressuring you to marry him to help him avoid deportation? If so, c'mon... you know the answer to this one. Don't let love or infatuation blind you.

 

My best friend did the exact same thing for a women here in the U.S. and they divorced 3 years later. It was a horrible experience for him. One that he regrets very much. All of us warned him but he wouldn't listen.

[GoreSP]

I never thought I would find myself faced with a situation like this.

 

 

 

I spent part of the day with my bf. He was more quiet than his usual, he said he had to tell me something and he was afraid that would hurt me and I would not want to talk to him again.

 

Long story short, his extension to stay in Canada has been denied. He said he tried every avenue including taking a lawyer. There is no deadline for him to leave yet but he lives in fear any day he will be asked to up and go. (He's from the US)

 

 

Someone has told him he knows someone that knows someone that does arranged marriages for 6K-7K. The person gets his permanent residency after 7-8 months then you proceed with divorce the following year.

 

 

 

He said he knows if he does this he will lose me. I said yes, that's right, I will not put myself through this type of hurt. He said it would be a front, he would not actually have a relationship with this woman and he would tell her he has a gf, etc etc etc.

 

 

 

I don't know what to think! Part of me thinks this is his story and nothing more to it, another part of me thinks it's made up to have me say 'I will marry you'.

 

Why don't you marry him then?

[Gaeta]

He did not say he is doing it, he said he is considering doing it. I also said if he goes ahead with this he will lose me. I am not putting myself through this and I did remind him it is illegal. He said he knew I was not the type of woman that would be ok to stand by.

 

I am not marrying him, that is a certainty.

 

I am going to his place tonight and will ask to see these immigration papers.

 

There is no rush for him to go. Although he lived all his life in CT he was born in Haiti. He is here with a Haitian passport, not a US one. Since Haiti earthquake Canada will not ask any Haitian citizen to return, for something like 10 years, but they won't get full Canadian benefits.

 

So, he did not get here because of the earthquake, he got here from CT with a 5 year visa. His visa is over and won't be renewed but he won't be asked to leave as long as Haitians are protected. To Canada he is not an American, he is Haitian.

 

What changed everything for him is his accident. In CT he can have insurance, not here. Now he's thinking what if he has a real accident, what if he had lots fingers.

[Gaeta]

Why don't you marry him then?

Is this a serious question? Although I like him a lot, we seem compatible, we are in our honey moon phase, I don't know this man yet and I am not locking myself in being financially responsible for him for the next 5 years.

[GoreSP]

Is this a serious question? Although I like him a lot, we seem compatible, we are in our honey moon phase, I don't know this man yet and I am not locking myself in being financially responsible for him for the next 5 years.

 

 

 

 

So you want him to stay but you're not willing to take any risk for him to be able to stay.

You're also not willing to let him 'marry' someone else in order for him to stay with you even though he seems willing to consider it so he can stay with you.

 

 

Maybe you're not that into him?

[Gaeta]

So you want him to stay but you're not willing to take any risk for him to be able to stay.

You're also not willing to let him 'marry' someone else in order for him to stay with you even though he seems willing to consider it so he can stay with you.

 

 

Maybe you're not that into him?

I would like him to stay but I will not ask him to stay. It's not my place to make life changing decisions like this for him.

 

I will not 'let' him marry someone as you put it. Once again his life is not under my control, it's not up to me to decide for him if he should or not go ahead with this plan. My position is he does as he wishes but he is informed I am not dating a married man.

 

I am into him alright, I am also smart, and I am not going to risks the assets I have worked for a life time on a man I have been dating 1 month.

 

This lady willing to do it is young, she has nothing so she has nothing to lose and a few $$ to make on the deal.

 

I have a house and assets that would become half his, I also earn twice what he earns so if he decides to bail after a marriage I could be liable to pay him support.

 

I am 48 yo, I stopped being blinded by love a long time ago.

[Els]

So you want him to stay but you're not willing to take any risk for him to be able to stay.

You're also not willing to let him 'marry' someone else in order for him to stay with you even though he seems willing to consider it so he can stay with you.

 

 

Maybe you're not that into him?

 

This is ridiculous, she's known the man for barely a couple of months and they haven't even met up all that often. It's not her duty to put her own needs aside for his, and she most definitely should not be marrying him when she doesn't want to, just to get him residence!

[soccerrprp]

So you want him to stay but you're not willing to take any risk for him to be able to stay.

You're also not willing to let him 'marry' someone else in order for him to stay with you even though he seems willing to consider it so he can stay with you.

 

 

Maybe you're not that into him?

 

This is crazy talk! She says that she doesn't know this guy all that well. Still dating. Why would anyone think the idea of illegally marrying another woman for the sake of citizenship AND so he could stay to have extra-marital (legally) relationship with another woman is okay?

 

Maybe she's not THAT into him as in, she's not willing to be a part of something illegal to jeopardize her for a man she doesn't know that well and is only dating.

[Leigh 87]

I would like him to stay but I will not ask him to stay. It's not my place to make life changing decisions like this for him.

 

I will not 'let' him marry someone as you put it. Once again his life is not under my control, it's not up to me to decide for him if he should or not go ahead with this plan. My position is he does as he wishes but he is informed I am not dating a married man.

 

I am into him alright, I am also smart, and I am not going to risks the assets I have worked for a life time on a man I have been dating 1 month.

 

This lady willing to do it is young, she has nothing so she has nothing to lose and a few $$ to make on the deal.

 

I have a house and assets that would become half his, I also earn twice what he earns so if he decides to bail after a marriage I could be liable to pay him support.

 

I am 48 yo, I stopped being blinded by love a long time ago.

 

 

 

 

You are doing the smart thing.

 

If you are really into him, why not agree to pay for any awful accidents he may get into?

 

I mean, he will likely be fine, but in the unlikely event that he is badly injured or falls ill and cannot afford to be treated, he can either LEAVE the country and get treatment somewhere else that offers insurance, or YOU could pay for him?

 

Then again I am a very generous person. While I wouldn't agree to marry him, I WOULD pay for a man I was crazy about to have essential surgery or treatments if he couldn't otherwise afford it.

 

If you as successful and well off as you claim to be, why not tell him you will foot the bill if he suddenly needs medical care?

 

What is the chance something awful will happen in the immediate future?

 

If things go well, you would probably want to help him out indefinitely.

 

If you don't work out, leave him and tell him the offer for his health care emergencies was only valid if you guys were TOGETHER.

[oz-missy]

I am into him alright, I am also smart, and I am not going to risks the assets I have worked for a life time on a man I have been dating 1 month.

 

Hold up right here....you've been dating a month and you refer to him as your boyfriend? That's not a boyfriend, it's a male that you've seen during the last 4 weeks or so.

 

As for his visa issues - for his own welfare I hope he manages to fix them up or he's off south of the border very soon. No I don't think you should marry him, it's his call if he wants to marry for papers, everyone here who instantly thinks the worst - have any of you known people who have had issues with immigration? It's not great. Most of the time the person is helpless trying to deal with the department, and a lot of the time they lose.

[Gaeta]

A couple of clarification.

 

I am not wealthy. I make a good living but I can't afford to keep someone in a hospital and run up a bill in thousands of dollars.

 

Second clarification: we have been dating for 1 month but we've known each other for 2 years. He's not a complete stranger to me. We briefly dated a couple of years ago but it did not get off the ground for some mysterious reasons.

 

I call him my bf and he calls me his gf because we had the exclusivity talk. We're picking up where we left things off last time. We both feel no need to beat around the bush, we like each other so lets date exclusively and see.

[StanMusial]

Maybe you could go on 100 dates with 100 other guys and pick one of them as a replacement.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/463837-i-do-not-want-date-multi-daters-2.html#post5557748

[mortensorchid]

This reads like some kind of horror story or a movie script!

 

 

Honestly, don't do it. I didn't hear you say "I love him and I want to marry him anyway" despite this situation. Besides, if he is putting some odd demand like this on you, do you want to be with him once you have signed the papers? What else is he going to demand that you do or don't do? And that's a tall order.

 

 

Best to break it off now and have him solve his little problem without such added drama.

[Gaeta]

This reads like some kind of horror story or a movie script!

 

 

Honestly, don't do it. I didn't hear you say "I love him and I want to marry him anyway" despite this situation. Besides, if he is putting some odd demand like this on you, do you want to be with him once you have signed the papers? What else is he going to demand that you do or don't do? And that's a tall order.

 

 

Best to break it off now and have him solve his little problem without such added drama.

 

I will repeat this one more time: He did NOT ask me to marry him.

 

He did not put odds demands on me. He did not ask anything from me.

 

I am free to walk away if he does something that is morally wrong in my eyes.

[Phantom888]

He is lying. It is SO EASY for Americans to stay in Canada. I know several people who immigrated to Canada from the US with no issues. This guy is feeding you a bunch of lies. After one month he is playing all these games with you. Don't fall for it. He is bad news!

[Chocolat]

He is lying. It is SO EASY for Americans to stay in Canada. I know several people who immigrated to Canada from the US with no issues. This guy is feeding you a bunch of lies. After one month he is playing all these games with you. Don't fall for it. He is bad news!

 

He's not American.

 

There is no rush for him to go. Although he lived all his life in CT he was born in Haiti. He is here with a Haitian passport, not a US one. Since Haiti earthquake Canada will not ask any Haitian citizen to return, for something like 10 years, but they won't get full Canadian benefits.

 

So, he did not get here because of the earthquake, he got here from CT with a 5 year visa. His visa is over and won't be renewed but he won't be asked to leave as long as Haitians are protected. To Canada he is not an American, he is Haitian.

 

What changed everything for him is his accident. In CT he can have insurance, not here. Now he's thinking what if he has a real accident, what if he had lots fingers.

[jay1983]

I'm very familiar with the arranged marriage thing, they're not real couples. They just do what they have to do to stay in US. Yes it is illegal, but it's either that or they're not staying. You'd be amazed what good people would do, if they had no other option. Haiti are you F ing serious, I'd marry 20 women I don't know and pay 100k before I go back there!

 

However everybody on page 1 and page 2 have a good point. Tell him you understand and he should do the arranged marriage thing. Let's see what happens. I'll click on your profile every month for the next year just to look for an update.

 

Don't give him the 7k though NO!

Edited April 7, 2014 by jay1983

[FitChick]

I thought Haitians got a lot of government aid to rebuilt after the quake. There should be lots of construction jobs there.

 

I wonder if he has a wife back home in Haiti.

[jay1983]

I thought Haitians got a lot of government aid to rebuilt after the quake. There should be lots of construction jobs there.

 

I wonder if he has a wife back home in Haiti.

 

Dude, you can take the worst city in the US, Detroit, Compton, Camden, I don't care and Haiti will blow it out of the water in crime.

[GoreSP]

Hold up right here....you've been dating a month and you refer to him as your boyfriend? That's not a boyfriend, it's a male that you've seen during the last 4 weeks or so.

 

As for his visa issues - for his own welfare I hope he manages to fix them up or he's off south of the border very soon. No I don't think you should marry him, it's his call if he wants to marry for papers, everyone here who instantly thinks the worst - have any of you known people who have had issues with immigration? It's not great. Most of the time the person is helpless trying to deal with the department, and a lot of the time they lose.

 

Also, OP has been dating him for one month and she is so devastated by the news?

...

[Gaeta]

 

Don't give him the 7k though NO!

OH is that what people thought?? No he did not ask me for money! and I am not offering any.