barbwire911 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Hi All This is my first post as I am new here. So the story is I dated my partner for 3 years (Oct. 2006-July 2009) and we married in 2009 July. We were only really decent for about a year of dating and then he started losing his sex drive. He said that had happened in his previous relationships. I was 31 and he was 38. We are now 39 and 46. So maybe since we married we have had sex all of 20 times. We have been living in separate rooms for about most of our marriage and we do not talk or communicate or do anything together. In 2013 05 I met a male co-worker and we became friends for a few months. We were both in troubled marriages and we bonded. We had a turbulent affair. He has since left his wife and accepted his marriage failed. We are no longer on speaking terms sadly as he has some problems overall with interpersonal relationships (diagnosis of depression, OCD, anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder). So I was really hurt by all the delusions he had as well as the constant silent treatment when he was upset, etc. So for 6 weeks we have not spoken however he has come and gone before so may come back but that is not the issue. I am afraid to be alone but my friends and our therapist as well as our individual therapists think it may be good for me to move out temporary to my own place nearby for us to get some space. I really do not think we are in love anymore however my spouse insists he is but he also fears aloneness too. Only thing we bond over is the 2 dogs who I would take as they are mine from prior to us meeting. My spouse is not a communicator but also he does not want to work out and just has gotten lazy and less hygiene oriented than before in terms of his appearance. I am into fitness and we are just overall different. he still showers and everything but we do not even have any physical relationship. Even on vacations we have separate rooms in the condos and separate beds in the hotel. I know the fact I had an affair upsets him but I was craving desire and attention. Now the affair was the cherry on the sundae as the issues existed way before the affair but the affair did not help nor the fact I had intense feelings for the other man, despite him not being good for me even as a person as a result of his issues. has anyone been in the same boat or if I could get some opinions that would be great? I feel, as my therapist does, that we just coexist together. Even our interests are all different. I believe we made a mistake marrying and I know my spouse says he loves me but, as me, I believe he is just comfortable and afraid to go alone at this age we are. Thanks for any insight, opinions.
Downtown Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Barb, welcome to the LoveShack forum. Many of us here have had painful experiences in our relationships with BPDers. If you would like to read about some of my experiences and those of Katt, I suggest you take a look at my posts at Katt's BF -- Quiet BPDer. Like your AP, Katt's BF typically employed cold withdrawal and icy silences as a punishment. 1
Author barbwire911 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 (edited) Thanks Downtown! yeah I seem to have 2 issues.....the one where I wonder if I remain in this non-intimate and sexless marriage but I also still have to work on getting over my AP which is hard but I know he is not good for me. I am not sure he will come back this time but it seems when I ignore him he comes back full fledged. It is bizarre but I know if he comes back it is more of the same and I need to figure myself and my marriage out. These ones with BPD seem to love the silent treatment. It is awful. I am a member on the BPDfamily website board too and my story is familiar to the other people involved with those with BPD. Mine had temper tantrums and rages and blamed me for strange things. Like one time our boss just called him into the office to ask if he was OK to be at work as he was going through his divorce. We had a great time the night before and been really close. He was fine when he came out of our bosses office and we talked by text for 3 hours and all was well. Then he asked to call me and he just started raging at how I had conspired with my friends to make him end up in the bosses office. I was in shock and asked him why suddenly he was so angry after so many hours where he seemed fine by text and after he left the office. He said he was in shock and had not fully processed what I had done to him and could not believe I would plan with my friends such a horrid thing. It was so bizarre and that was where that went on for 3 days of fighting and I asked for space and he said "you always say goodbye when it comes to my feelings." I said "I am not saying goodbye but we just need a breather." Well then he was fine a week later and was on the phone with me asking me to lunch and saying he loved me. Then I heard from someone he was possibly lining a replacement up and so I asked him about it (only 24 hours after he was asking me to lunch) and he got angry and yelled into the phone "you were never anything to me" and hung up. Since then silence 5 weeks ago. So not sure which factor he is upset about it...that I caught him "replacing " me as I know those with BPD do that or that I asked for space or everything...... if you have any links to the quiet BPD behavior and silent treatment I would love to read those as mine rages but then goes silent for many weeks or months on end no matter what. I just found the silent / inward info you speak about though in your post to KAT. By MAHARI and Sherri SCHREIBER. MAHARI is on the BPD family board I am on too and is good as is Sherri's info. Edited April 6, 2014 by barbwire911 adding info 1
Downtown Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 If you have any links to the quiet BPD behavior and silent treatment I would love to read those as mine rages but then goes silent for many weeks or months on end no matter what. I just found the silent / inward info you speak about though in your post to KAT. By MAHARI and Sherri SCHREIBER.Barb, the Mahari and Schrieber articles are the only two resources I've found that are especially insightful. Because the vast majority of BPDers are "loud," there is not much written on the quiet ones. There are several blogs about them online but not many articles.
bv120 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Not much of a marriage remaining. You need to gather your courage and move out. bv
stillafool Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Not much of a marriage remaining. You need to gather your courage and move out. bv So do you!
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