Hes not ready to be exclusive, but has good reasons. What do i do?

[SD1000]

Yeah, i know something isn't right SD. But the guy who i had to ask ten times to call me when i was overseas. He was a good, caring, christian guy who was looking for a potential wife. He messaged me everyday using viber, same as most of these guys i date. They just dont seem keen to talk on the phone. Maybe its the modern day thing...

 

 

 

Maybe this guy was looking for a wife, but it is impossible to know what his true intent was. However, he was not interested to make you his future wife.

 

 

You mentioned that maybe your difficulties stem from being a minority in the US. In my office, there is one successful and nice white man who is married to a very nice black lady and one nice and successful white man married to an Asian American. Yes, some men prefer to get married to someone from their own ethnicity, but some men will be attracted by your special characteristics.

 

 

You wish for a man who cares about you and wants to build a happy exclusive relationship with you. There is nothing unreasonable about that, so don't accept less.

[RedRobin]

But..there's be no one left....

 

 

Sure there will. There will be YOU and your self respect, for one.

 

 

... and trust me.. it doesn't happen over night, but you will see the outcome. Have faith in yourself.

 

 

Spend the energy you are currently spending chasing after guys who don't deserve you on other things... working out, join an activity group, learn how to play piano... a million other things.

 

 

Find places where healthy men spend time. Healthy meaning, mentally and emotionally healthy men. Avoid the bars, clubs, etc... if you don't already.

Edited April 7, 2014 by RedRobin

[Thegreatestthing]

That is probably the reason to tell you the truth so don't think you did anything wrong,I went through the same thing (no sex or anything) but telling me he loves me bla when he's a huge flake.

 

I'm pretty sure it's because he simply prefers white women as he accidentally told me once,I am passably white looking (I'm mixed) but there are times when I look ethnic and I notice on days when I post photos in which I look ethnic (pouting my lips to make them look big,no make up,non straight hair) he becomes a flake,when I look really white which I sometimes do ,he replies like in ten mins with declarations of love.something I am use to with all guys as I'm racially ambiguous,you can look like this girl Andreaschoice

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1CGicOrVKto

and white guys understandably will still prefer white girls.

 

but there are tonnes of guys that have a thing for mixed girls,Asian girls etc.

 

Idk. Maybe its being in a minority group. Tends to attract the player types who like enjoyign different types of women...and the losers/less attractive dudes wh can't get nice white girls.

 

I never have had a nice looking, attractive guy who wants a serious relationship, interested in me.

[maiden of rohan]

You're not ready for a healthy relationship because it seems to me that you're ready to put up with poor treatment in order to just get a guy. You have to build the foundations (yourself) before you can successfully find a healthy, happy relationship with balance.

 

This guy told you what he was. He told you he wasn't looking to commit, and you continued, in spite of the fact that you wanted commitment. Stop doing that. Stick to your guns. If you want a relationship, and you across a guy who doesn't, walk away. Don't take it personal. You're simply incompatible. Don't stay for whatever scraps they are willing to hand out, because that is just disrespecting yourself.

 

Stop worrying about finding someone. Worry about how you're treating the person you have to live with your entire life. You. Build a solid, and healthy relationship with yourself and the rest will follow in time.

 

I used to be like you. I'd like a guy, he wouldn't be willing to commit, so I'd stick around for whatever he was willing to do. It hurt like hell, and destroyed my self-esteem. I became a doormat. If I had a middle name, it would have been "Welcome." Truth is, the minute I decided to hell with all of that nonsense, I empowered myself. Now, I wouldn't dream of looking twice at any of those guys, or accepting that kind of treatment again. I'd rather be alone and happy, than keep myself miserable for the sake of "having someone."

 

You do have someone. You have yourself. Cliche as it is, you're all you have in this world, and you should be too damn valuable to yourself to allow this nonsense to keep happening.

[mikefromtheblock]

Your dignity is above all. I believe in relationships there has to be a trade off. If you give something, you need to get something back. No getting - no giving.

[Leigh 87]

You turn a blind eye to what a guy is telling you loud and clear. Did you think that somehow, while sleeping around with other girls, he would realise " hang on, that girl is the love of my life, I am going scrap all these other girls I am having fun with to be with my true love"

 

The very thing I stick around for and what I absolutely love about this website, is the way people talk about valuing yourself, demanding self respect and maintaining your dignity. It is lovely to see people advocate such things to people like you, OP; women who need help in living their best lives and are at such an awful disadvantage if they accept scraps from men. Who they hope will change, yet then run off with the girl they "are" truly into, leaving you feeling upset and humiliated; why did he not want to commit to me, only to run off with that skank".

 

You seriously need to listen to these people.

 

I can see that you do not want to be that puppy dog that jumps when a guy tells you to, because you feel "chemistry" , "excitement" and all those "feelings" for him, even when he tells you he "doesn't want to commit and wants to bang other women"

 

And yes you were that puppy. If he wanted to hang out with you and only you every weekend and drop the other girls yet STILL tell you he didn't want commitment, you would have jumped at any chance to spend time with him, even though he stated he wasn't after commitment with you; you would twist things around and try to convince yourself that he would wake up to himself and see how amazing you were and commit indefinitely.

 

Listen, a guy doesn't have to want commitment right away, but a guy that is decent and who is genuinely into you, will not want to be physical with more girls other than YOU.

 

Sure, in the early stages of dating people tend to go on a few dates with various people, but once a guy is physical that is normally how he sees a girl; from the first time a man sleeps with you, he will continue to see you in that light; a guy who is not really into you by the time you have sex with him, will never suddenly see you in a different light. A man knows by the time you sleep together, what direction he wants to take things with you.

 

It is really trashy when a guy ADMITS that he is sleeping with other people as well as YOU. Maybe he is a nice guy with options and hey, he deserves credit for at least being honest with you.

It is NOT a classy situation to put yourself in; sleeping with a guy who tells you he wants to go and exchange fluids with other women:sick:

[clia]

You do not send a consistent message. If you want to be treated in a certain way, you have to send that message out consistently. Instead, you are all over the place.

 

This guy chased me on not one, but two dating apps. We met up, he was very gentlemanly. I acted like a lady.

 

What does "I acted like a lady" mean?

 

Instant chemistry, instant rapport on both ends. I had a feeling he was a player, as he lives in a frat-house type of place and his friends never seemed fussed about getting to know me when i'm drop by, and I found condoms in the bin once (not from me). When i asked him, he said those girls weren't ones he wanted a relationship with it was just casual.

 

You went back to his place on the first date. What kind of message does that send?

 

So great, kept seeing him.

 

You saw used condoms in his bin on your first date, and you kept seeing him. What kind of message does that send?

 

It felt like my first time liking a guy all over again and on the third date, I slept with him.

 

Again...sleeping with him on date three without exclusivity. What kind of message are you sending?

 

I was starting to like him a bit, so I created distance by only seeing him at nights for a hookup. He seemed to be sad when i'd leave straight after, and whenever i'd refer to him as my fwb he'd ask "is that all this is?"

 

This is where you really lose me. You purposely only saw him at night to hook up with him and referred to him as your "friend with benefits." What kind of message do you think this sent? It does not send a message that you are looking for a relationship, I can tell you that.

 

One night I said, well i want to see you more but all these girls. He said, would you like to be exclusive then? I said no, not yet. I don't want to rush into a relationship. He said okay, i would have said that's the next logical step for us because i think you are amazing, but im not going to pressure you.

 

He asks you to be exclusive, and you said no. I mean...this sends a message that you are fine with him sleeping with others and he probably thought you were sleeping with others also.

 

Do you even know what you want?

 

Kept seeing him. One night, i stayed over and we ended up being together the entire next day. We studied, ate lunch, played boardgame, watched a movie at home. He took me to a nice dinner and then we spontaneously had a dance in a club. Got home and had passionate sex. I knew i was falling for him then. The next time i visited, I told him and asked to be exlcusive now. He said no.

 

Lost your chance...

 

He said his mother would kill him for being an idiot and turning me down. Then he changed his mind and said yes, lets be exclusive. I was surprised, said um, ok. We ended up having sex, but it was awkward this time. I felt very pressured like i had to be amazing, since i'd just forced him to only sleep with me going forward. He didn't finish. Att he end i said, just see who you want. Exclusive is too awkward. He dropped me home, things felt a bit different between us now.

 

You sent the message that you weren't worthy of exclusivity. If you feel that way, then why shouldn't he? Do you have low self esteem?

 

I'm not going to go through the rest of your post, but you can see that you are sending such mixed messages. Everything you did screamed low self esteem and trying to play power games (trying to be casual with him and call him your fwb totally backfired on you).

 

Figure out what you want and act in a way that forecasts loud and clear that you expect certain treatment. Don't go to men's houses on a first date. Don't have sex so quickly. Don't do late night hook-up dates. Don't have sex without exclusivity. I mean, can you really blame him for having his cake and eating it, too?