Hes not ready to be exclusive, but has good reasons. What do i do?

[madgirl1991]

This is very strange, im giving gf benefits to this guy and not getting any commitment back. However, he has good reasons for not committing:

 

1.He's been through a lot and wants to enjoy different girls, everyone goes through that phase in life ya know? I'm not really jeaous hes hooking up with the others, more about the emotional closeness he has with them and scared he might be telling them he likes them like he tells me.

2. I am interviewing for a job in another state, so could be moving in a month.

3. We have only known each other a month, he has known those girls a lot longer. How can i make him stop seeing his friends for me..

 

I feel maybe i should stay in our current arrangement because if i stay, he seems to genuinely like me and maybe it will work out and he's want to be with just me one day? Im just so confused. I dont know what to do.

 

This guy chased me on not one, but two dating apps. We met up, he was very gentlemanly. I acted like a lady. Instant chemistry, instant rapport on both ends. I had a feeling he was a player, as he lives in a frat-house type of place and his friends never seemed fussed about getting to know me when i'm drop by, and I found condoms in the bin once (not from me). When i asked him, he said those girls weren't ones he wanted a relationship with it was just casual.

 

So great, kept seeing him. It felt like my first time liking a guy all over again and on the third date, I slept with him. I was starting to like him a bit, so I created distance by only seeing him at nights for a hookup. He seemed to be sad when i'd leave straight after, and whenever i'd refer to him as my fwb he'd ask "is that all this is?" One night I said, well i want to see you more but all these girls. He said, would you like to be exclusive then? I said no, not yet. I don't want to rush into a relationship. He said okay, i would have said that's the next logical step for us because i think you are amazing, but im not going to pressure you.

 

Kept seeing him. One night, i stayed over and we ended up being together the entire next day. We studied, ate lunch, played boardgame, watched a movie at home. He took me to a nice dinner and then we spontaneously had a dance in a club. Got home and had passionate sex. I knew i was falling for him then. The next time i visited, I told him and asked to be exlcusive now. He said no. He's not ready to let go of the other girls he sees, althought its 'not like you and me, its more friendship with sex.' He admitted he's had a lot of problems dating girls and then not being ready (since his divorce three years ago) and braeking their hearts. Also, he is very controlling/jealous in relationships so he's working on that with a psychologist. He said that's why he isn't jealous anymore if the girls he sees, see other people. He even started crying at one point, i hugged him.

 

He said his mother would kill him for being an idiot and turning me down. Then he changed his mind and said yes, lets be exclusive. I was surprised, said um, ok. We ended up having sex, but it was awkward this time. I felt very pressured like i had to be amazing, since i'd just forced him to only sleep with me going forward. He didn't finish. Att he end i said, just see who you want. Exclusive is too awkward. He dropped me home, things felt a bit different between us now.

 

During the week, he didn't try to text me as often as he used to. We had planned a beach trip, so the only texts were in relation to if we were still going. The night before, he texted me to have a good night out and that he was going to have a boring night studying.

 

At the beach, he kept commenting how hot other girls were, so i did the same with the guys. In the water, he looked after me in the waves. He told me i was gorgeous. We walked around, had a lovely dinner and ice cream. He'd kiss me on the cheek and say this was such a fun day, hold my hand, and seemed keen to get a picture of us together. He kept looking at it and saying how nice we looked in the picture.

 

Went home, hung out. He tried to get in my pants, i resisted initially saying but it'll hurt my feelings if we keep sleeping together and you're seeing the other girls...and he said stopped trying for a bit. I asked when he had hooked up with another girl, he said the night before, a girl he'd dated but hadn't been 'ready to commit to' had come round (he'd told me he'd been busy studying..so i said he is a liar and he agreed but said he didnt think i'd want to hear details). Apparently, they'd tried to have sex but he'd gone soft and that he reckons 'i have ruined him for other girls because i'm so much more gorgeous he can't get turned on anymore.' I thought that was BS designed to make me feel like he really likes me, but he made me so turned on, i just gave up and we did it. We cuddled and talked after, he told me i was the only one out of all the girls he wanted a relationship with at some point. He's only had a few months of being single since high school (since he married straight after) and he wanted to start a relationship with me when he was ready and it came 'from his heart' rather than being pressured into it. I understood, as much as it hurt my feelings. He said its not because i don't think you are amazing or not good enough for me.

 

I said, well you're friends seem to think i'm just another one of your harem. They don't even try to talk to me, i guess because they see all these girls with you all the time im not special. If my friends met you they would be interseted in getting to know you. He said, well i think it would be really special if you hung out more with them, its important for my friends to get along wtih the girl i date (he'd mentioned this previously). One day you were over and my best friend thought you were going to chat with us all, but you were sulking with your phone about something. So since then they were a bit put off. You could come over one night when we are having a few beers etc. I agreed and said well we could go out there and sit with them now? So we talked to them a bit, then he asked them if they want to come pickup takeaway dinner with us? I drove them in my car (as his friends were drinking) to get the food, and we ate together at home. Once again, they didn't ask anything about me, but made general conversation.

 

Afterward i went to his room, he thanked me for putting in effort wtih his friends then we slept for awhile, i could tell he was still wide awake and it was late so i said, well you seem awake if i go home you can study for your exams. will that work? He said yes. So he walked me to my car and i left.

 

I've felt uncomfortable ever since. Not jealous. Not decieved. Just maybe i'm wasting me time...

Edited April 6, 2014 by madgirl1991

[pickflicker]

Good reasons?

 

:laugh:

 

What man wants, man will stake his claim on. If he was really into you, he'd be exclusive. I'm afraid you're just another "friend" he's having sex with.

[madgirl1991]

Pickflicker, this is my thought exactly.

 

However, he has been through divorce. He's bailed on other girls after rushing in too quickly. He's only been single for six months since he started high school!

[pickflicker]

Pickflicker, this is my thought exactly.

 

However, he has been through divorce. He's bailed on other girls after rushing in too quickly. He's only been single for six months since he started high school!

 

Then enjoy the sex and the company, because that's all you're going to get. If you want him to be more, all you can is ask. If he's not interested, that's his prerogative and there's nothing wrong with that - but he's been clear about what he's able to give, and you can't settle for less if you want more.

[soccerrprp]

madgirl1991,

 

Neither of your recent posts show any reason for you to hope. I mean, he's sleeping around, not committed to you. You are being equally foolish in thinking about not going after this other job for some unfounded hope to be with this wretch of a guy. There is nothing in your posts that indicate that you have a chance for a healthy relationship with this guy.

[pickflicker]

madgirl1991,

 

Neither of your recent posts show any reason for you to hope. I mean, he's sleeping around, not committed to you. You are being equally foolish in thinking about not going after this other job for some unfounded hope to be with this wretch of a guy. There is nothing in your posts that indicate that you have a chance for a healthy relationship with this guy.

 

The job thing is a really good point. Always pick the career. Love will work itself out, but if you are offered an amazing career opportunity, you have to take it. If you don't, you might find yourself with no job, and no love.

[madgirl1991]

Yeah I know. I wouldn't ever turn down the job just for him

 

I feel like I may need to stop seeing him. But at the same time, its not like...i can be bothered going out there and dating other guys. Its always a failure, and they don't want to commit to me. Or they commit and I can tell they arne't really into it. I just don't know whats wrong wtih me. So i feel like, i may as well go along with this arrangement, since seeing him is better than sitting at home when my friends are busy and the sex is good.

 

But my long term goal is to meet someone. He's a bit distraction from it. I've had a few date invites frm nice guys, who are not as sexy or cool. Sigh. But i dont even know if it would work out..

[pickflicker]

Yeah I know. I wouldn't ever turn down the job just for him

 

I feel like I may need to stop seeing him. But at the same time, its not like...i can be bothered going out there and dating other guys. Its always a failure, and they don't want to commit to me. Or they commit and I can tell they arne't really into it. I just don't know whats wrong wtih me. So i feel like, i may as well go along with this arrangement, since seeing him is better than sitting at home when my friends are busy and the sex is good.

 

But my long term goal is to meet someone. He's a bit distraction from it. I've had a few date invites frm nice guys, who are not as sexy or cool. Sigh. But i dont even know if it would work out..

 

So don't date. Invest in yourself. Meet new people, make new friends, find new hobbies, pursue your career. You're what...23? Plenty of time to meet someone. You can't stay in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone. That's a recipe for disaster.

[soccerrprp]

Yeah I know. I wouldn't ever turn down the job just for him

 

I feel like I may need to stop seeing him. But at the same time, its not like...i can be bothered going out there and dating other guys. Its always a failure, and they don't want to commit to me. Or they commit and I can tell they arne't really into it. I just don't know whats wrong wtih me. So i feel like, i may as well go along with this arrangement, since seeing him is better than sitting at home when my friends are busy and the sex is good.

 

But my long term goal is to meet someone. He's a bit distraction from it. I've had a few date invites frm nice guys, who are not as sexy or cool. Sigh. But i dont even know if it would work out..

 

The lack of self-worth, self-value is written all over this post. Just take what's available b/c I'm not worth better...don't want to be bored....ugh.

[madgirl1991]

The worst part. He's nothing like i would ever have wanted to date. He's divorced (at a young age), into drugs, drinking, up to his third uni degree with no real work experience. he says he's taking it slowly because he wants time ot socialise, do his hobbies etc. He said when he starts working, he will probably only do it three days a week.

 

Im so opposite. I am pretty motivated in my career, i've never had a relationship beyond 2 years. I'm christian, though i drink and have sex i guess (a bit hypocrtical i know..) I trade stocks and buy property.

 

The thing is he knows how to make me feel amazing. He is good in bed. He plays cool tunes. He knows so much about the world. He's badass. He doesn't care about anything. He is funny and great with people. The guys who take life seriously, arent like this usually. Or if they aer, they are taken lol.

[pickflicker]

The worst part. He's nothing like i would ever have wanted to date. He's divorced (at a young age), into drugs, drinking, up to his third uni degree with no real work experience. he says he's taking it slowly because he wants time ot socialise, do his hobbies etc. He said when he starts working, he will probably only do it three days a week.

 

Im so opposite. I am pretty motivated in my career, i've never had a relationship beyond 2 years. I'm christian, though i drink and have sex i guess (a bit hypocrtical i know..) I trade stocks and buy property.

 

The thing is he knows how to make me feel amazing. He is good in bed. He plays cool tunes. He knows so much about the world. He's badass. He doesn't care about anything. He is funny and great with people. The guys who take life seriously, arent like this usually. Or if they aer, they are taken lol.

 

Dump him.

 

Nothing wrong with doing more than one degree (I'm on my second), but he should at least be gainfully employed and self-sufficient, and not need to do drugs.

 

Christianity is perfectly compatible with drinking and having sex, don't worry about that.

 

Either enjoy him for the sex, or kick him to the curb. But don't think you can change a frog into a prince, because you can't.

[spiderowl]

The worst part. He's nothing like i would ever have wanted to date. He's divorced (at a young age), into drugs, drinking, up to his third uni degree with no real work experience. he says he's taking it slowly because he wants time ot socialise, do his hobbies etc. He said when he starts working, he will probably only do it three days a week.

 

Im so opposite. I am pretty motivated in my career, i've never had a relationship beyond 2 years. I'm christian, though i drink and have sex i guess (a bit hypocrtical i know..) I trade stocks and buy property.

 

The thing is he knows how to make me feel amazing. He is good in bed. He plays cool tunes. He knows so much about the world. He's badass. He doesn't care about anything. He is funny and great with people. The guys who take life seriously, arent like this usually. Or if they aer, they are taken lol.

 

What a dilemma: he's fun, you have great sexual chemistry, but he isn't really looking for commitment and openly admits he sleeps with a girl the night before he sees you. He's also not committed to a job or earning an income. Great sexual chemistry might be fun for a while, but jealousy creeps in. Also, chemistry doesn't pay the bills or help look after the kids or do jobs around the house. These things will matter later on. A couple needs to be able to pull together on the real, practical things in life, not just have fun in bed on a casual basis.

[confidencestands]

However, he has good reasons for not committing:

 

1. hes hooking up with the others

 

I had a feeling he was a player,

 

When i asked him, he said those girls weren't ones he wanted a relationship with it was just casual.

 

on the third date, I slept with him.

 

I created distance by only seeing him at nights for a hookup.

 

whenever i'd refer to him as my fwb he'd ask "is that all this is?" One night I said, well i want to see you more but all these girls. He said, would you like to be exclusive then? I said no, not yet.

 

Got home and had passionate sex. I knew i was falling for him then. The next time i visited, I told him and asked to be exlcusive now. He said no.

 

Then he changed his mind and said yes, lets be exclusive. I was surprised, said um, ok.

 

During the week, he didn't try to text me as often as he used to.

 

At the beach, he kept commenting how hot other girls were, so i did the same with the guys.

 

Went home, hung out. He tried to get in my pants, i resisted initially saying but it'll hurt my feelings if we keep sleeping together and you're seeing the other girls...

 

I said, well you're friends seem to think i'm just another one of your harem.

 

 

I've felt uncomfortable ever since. Not jealous. Not decieved. Just maybe i'm wasting me time...

 

Ah yea....both of you are wasting each other's time and playing too many games. Let it go for the sake of your growth and his. It was a summer fling. Nothing more.... nothing less. Move on and work on what it is you are looking for to avoid this confusion in the future.

 

Just curious, how old are the both of you?

[madgirl1991]

He's 25 turning 26. i'm 22 turning 23.

[Leigh 87]

Honey, you can really get the chemistry AND a guy who is actually compatible.

 

 

 

 

It takes a little longer than it takes to find a guy who gives you butterflies AND is also a great life partner AND who is also crazy about you too....

 

 

Where as it is relatively easy to find men you have chemistry with! Who are either not into you enough to commit OR who are just sh*tty individuals who do not like loving relationship and prefer a life of casual flings with the hottest girls they can get.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The are never genuine reasons why a guy who was NUTS about you would overlook you though.

 

 

 

A man who meets "that girl" who he cannot get off his mind, WILL commit to her, EVEN if he is battling atrocious life circumstances.

 

 

OR a guy who genuinely needs to sort himself out, WILL come back to a girl who he was truly nuts about.....

[madgirl1991]

Leigh, but i said that very thing. He said, its only been a few weeks.

 

How long should you give a guy to commit, before you walk away?

[pickflicker]

Leigh, but i said that very thing. He said, its only been a few weeks.

 

How long should you give a guy to commit, before you walk away?

 

He's not going to commit though. It's extremely important to listen when a man tells you things like this. He has said he doesn't want to commit to you. He continues to indulge in a party lifestyle with little regard for the future. You don't "wait" for commitment from a guy. You ask, if he says no, you move on.

[Woggle]

He is outright telling you he does not want to commit to you. You will not change his mind about it and no you can't win him over. Believe what he says.

[madgirl1991]

Okay. Screw it, I'm out.

 

If he ever txts me again, i'll send him this message, albeit a less intense version, recommended by Evan Marc Katz.

 

“I really, really care about you and have very much enjoyed our time together. But as amazing as I think you are, I’m not really getting my needs met here. I don’t want a weekend ****-buddy. I want a boyfriend. And it’s become increasingly clear to me that it’s not going to be you. That’s okay. I’m not hurt or offended, but I need to find someone who wants a relationship. Good luck in your search.”

[Leigh 87]

He's not going to commit though. It's extremely important to listen when a man tells you things like this. He has said he doesn't want to commit to you. He continues to indulge in a party lifestyle with little regard for the future. You don't "wait" for commitment from a guy. You ask, if he says no, you move on.

 

 

 

 

My ex dropped his party lifestyle for the girl he was nuts about.

 

I am so proud of him for giving up his wild, drug taking ways and drinking habits.

 

 

He is about to fly to Europe with his stunning new girl, and he is not going to party or get wasted; his life long dream has been to party in Europe and enjoy the night life, and yet he is giving it all up for a girl he didn't want to lose.

 

 

When a man meets a certain type of a woman, he gives it all up in order to be with her.

 

 

Unless the girl is unreasonable and wants him to change things that don't really need changing,, such as an introvert being forced to be social for the same of his girlfriends 'preference'

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sweetie, my boyfriend committed after our first date, he couldn't think about any other girl because I was constantly on his mind......

 

 

My good friend met a guy who simply couldn't think about other girls after the first day he met her.

 

Now, neither of our guys talked marriage or babies or anything crazy either!

 

They simply felt that other women paled in comparison to the way they regarded US.

 

 

Look at the "what is love" thread in the dating forum. The way the guy described 'that one girl" is very apt when it comes to describing the lengths a man is willing to go to when he meets 'that girl'.

 

 

 

I personally am very happy NOT settling for men who well, after meeting me think " well I like her but not enough to stop seeing other women"

[ja123]

OP, I haven't finished your entire post, but based on the below, I'd say you rejected him when exclusivity was on offer:

 

I was starting to like him a bit, so I created distance by only seeing him at nights for a hookup. He seemed to be sad when i'd leave straight after, and whenever i'd refer to him as my fwb he'd ask "is that all this is?" One night I said, well i want to see you more but all these girls. He said, would you like to be exclusive then? I said no, not yet. I don't want to rush into a relationship. He said okay, i would have said that's the next logical step for us because i think you are amazing, but im not going to pressure you.

Edited April 6, 2014 by ja123

[pickflicker]

My ex dropped his party lifestyle for the girl he was nuts about.

 

I am so proud of him for giving up his wild, drug taking ways and drinking habits.

 

 

He is about to fly to Europe with his stunning new girl, and he is not going to party or get wasted; his life long dream has been to party in Europe and enjoy the night life, and yet he is giving it all up for a girl he didn't want to lose.

 

 

When a man meets a certain type of a woman, he gives it all up in order to be with her.

 

 

Unless the girl is unreasonable and wants him to change things that don't really need changing,, such as an introvert being forced to be social for the same of his girlfriends 'preference'

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sweetie, my boyfriend committed after our first date, he couldn't think about any other girl because I was constantly on his mind......

 

 

My good friend met a guy who simply couldn't think about other girls after the first day he met her.

 

Now, neither of our guys talked marriage or babies or anything crazy either!

 

They simply felt that other women paled in comparison to the way they regarded US.

 

 

Look at the "what is love" thread in the dating forum. The way the guy described 'that one girl" is very apt when it comes to describing the lengths a man is willing to go to when he meets 'that girl'.

 

 

 

I personally am very happy NOT settling for men who well, after meeting me think " well I like her but not enough to stop seeing other women"

 

As Leigh said, unreasonable requests (change your hair/clothes/taste in beer/taste in music), should be met with derision. Requesting commitment isn't a silly thing.

 

The guy has been honest . Whatever his life choices, at least he gave you that. You're going to feel loads more self respect, and possibly inspire respect in him, if you tell him that this isn't working for you.

 

Plenty more fish in the sea, my love. :-)

[TheGuard13]

Sounds like you're ****buddies. Enjoy it for what it is unless you absolutely want more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But it's a little unfair to expect him to commit at this point with your future and availability in the state he's in somewhat up in the air.

[FitChick]

You're moving. Why not set up a dating profile in the city where you will be living? State in your profile when you will be arriving. It's a way to get to know a guy slowly without pressure. Several men, in fact. Then when you arrive they will either be good friends and show you around or make you part of their social circle, or you will wind up having chemistry with one. Concentrate on that and forget this loser. You risk getting pregnant or an STD. Neither will help your social life in the new city.

[mr_dave]

Okay. Screw it, I'm out.

 

If he ever txts me again, i'll send him this message, albeit a less intense version, recommended by Evan Marc Katz.

 

“I really, really care about you and have very much enjoyed our time together. But as amazing as I think you are, I’m not really getting my needs met here. I don’t want a weekend ****-buddy. I want a boyfriend. And it’s become increasingly clear to me that it’s not going to be you. That’s okay. I’m not hurt or offended, but I need to find someone who wants a relationship. Good luck in your search.”

 

I'm baffled by this thread as well as your other ones.

You play so many games, no wonder your desire to be taken seriously is so far unfulfilled.

 

Like the above I quoted... but in your very first post you said...

 

I was starting to like him a bit, so I created distance by only seeing him at nights for a hookup. He seemed to be sad when i'd leave straight after, and whenever i'd refer to him as my fwb he'd ask "is that all this is?" One night I said, well i want to see you more but all these girls. He said, would you like to be exclusive then? I said no, not yet. I don't want to rush into a relationship. He said okay, i would have said that's the next logical step for us because i think you are amazing, but im not going to pressure you.

 

I don't speak for all guys, but drama queens are too much of a pain in the arse to put up with. Why should you if you could have a decent straightforward girl?