EvansR Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 So, for anyone who has read my story, or would like to (I wouldn't recommend it, it's not that interesting to anyone who isn't me, lol), you will know that I had a LDR with a girl, things went bad, and we went NC off and on, decided we'd remain friends, then we were gonna get back together, but she decided against it so we went NC again, and I intended for this NC to be the end of it- I didn't want her as a friend anymore, I wanted her as more than that, but it just wasn't gonna happen. About a week into this NC, I met a new girl who had slept with 4 guys in the past year (the past 365 days) and she told me about that and although I was a little apprehensive at first, we've had a few dates since then, and from everything I see she's wonderful. But this afternoon on a date we started sharing stories of our pasts and since she trusted me with all her stories and I believe she's being completely open and honest, I told her about my history, and when I talked about my ex, she specifically asked questions about her. My ex still messages me every day, sends me pictures on Snapchat, but I ignore her. I haven't broke NC this time around yet. So back to tonight... I told my new girlfriend everything (I mean EVERYTHING) including how my ex still talks to me, and my gf started getting really annoyed at me because I don't talk to her. She was saying "This girl clearly really likes you, why can't you be friends with her?" and I told her that I wasn't looking to have her as a friend and my new girlfriend started taking it personally for some reason and asked "So if we weren't together, you' d just ignore my friendship and pretend I mean **** all to you?!", I tried everything I could to make her see that it just isn't in my best interest or hers that I be friends with that girl, and she essentially told me that unless I speak to my ex and make things right (the only thing I've done "wrong" in my gf's book is not speaking to my ex). And now I don't know what to do. I've read the NC guide all the way through and there isn't a provision for "What to do if your girlfriend makes you choose between her as gf and your ex as a friend or neither of them".
GemmaUK Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 You do whatever is the right thing for you. Some people can still be friends, some can't. It's OK not to. 1
BHsigh Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Sounds like a test to me, and unfortunately there isn't a correct answer. If you're comfortable being friends with her and can stand firm on your boundaries, then why not, if your new girl can trust you being friends with your ex of course. But, if you're not comfortable, then don't. I personally wouldn't, mixing exes and new relationships can cause problems later, your new girl may be different now, but that may change if and when you two get truly serious. Of course she may also just want your ex closer so that she can keep an eye on things too, seeing how your ex still tries to contact you every day. If you decide to talk to your ex, I would suggest that you take her to dinner and bring along your new interest, and be sure to introduce her as such.
almond Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 (edited) Stand your ground. If this girl refuses to see the logic behind your decision, then that's unfortunate. However, she is also refusing to respect your right to make your own choices and live your own life...this is completely unacceptable. Put your foot down - she's being an idiot. Ultimatums and controlling behaviour this early on really need to be stamped out quick smart. Tell her that you have made your decision, and if she likes, you are happy to explain your reasoning once more, but that it is final. She can either accept it and quit complaining, or take a walk. Don't let her label you as a doormat, because it will be hard to come back from it. Edited April 6, 2014 by almond 4
Radu Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 So, for anyone who has read my story, or would like to (I wouldn't recommend it, it's not that interesting to anyone who isn't me, lol), you will know that I had a LDR with a girl, things went bad, and we went NC off and on, decided we'd remain friends, then we were gonna get back together, but she decided against it so we went NC again, and I intended for this NC to be the end of it- I didn't want her as a friend anymore, I wanted her as more than that, but it just wasn't gonna happen. About a week into this NC, I met a new girl who had slept with 4 guys in the past year (the past 365 days) and she told me about that and although I was a little apprehensive at first, we've had a few dates since then, and from everything I see she's wonderful. GJ going NC. But this afternoon on a date we started sharing stories of our pasts and since she trusted me with all her stories and I believe she's being completely open and honest, I told her about my history, and when I talked about my ex, she specifically asked questions about her. My ex still messages me every day, sends me pictures on Snapchat, but I ignore her. I haven't broke NC this time around yet. Ok, a few mentions. I'ts a bit unusual to share stories about exes this early into your relationship; so maybe this was a mistake ... though you did it only after she went first. It's even more unusual for her to show this kind of interest in her. So back to tonight... I told my new girlfriend everything (I mean EVERYTHING) including how my ex still talks to me, You don't do that. If you've been together for going on a yr or more, maybe ... but even then ... and my gf started getting really annoyed at me because I don't talk to her. She was saying "This girl clearly really likes you, why can't you be friends with her?" and I told her that I wasn't looking to have her as a friend and my new girlfriend started taking it personally for some reason and asked "So if we weren't together, you' d just ignore my friendship and pretend I mean **** all to you?!", Ok, so this subject is emotional to her, why ? Here are a few suppositions : - she empathises with her, and puts herself in her place, and she would like to continue talking to you - she got dumped and then the guy went NC - the guy went NC when she didn't want him to go NC The last 2 may appear similar, but they are not [the former implies an action by him ... the latter a reaction from him, the same as your situation]. Don't believe that she is trying to be nice to everyone here, this is about her, and the fact that she would hate it if you went NC when/if your relationship ended. It could mean that she enjoys having her ex's as possible backburners [for options], or that she can't handle the ego hit of him/you not paying attention to her. Either way, her reaction could mean something ... it's not enough to be a red flag, but you should probably be on the lookout for her having her ex's in her life still. I tried everything I could to make her see that it just isn't in my best interest or hers that I be friends with that girl, and she essentially told me that unless I speak to my ex and make things right (the only thing I've done "wrong" in my gf's book is not speaking to my ex). You've been together for weeks. She has absolutely 0 [zero] right to dictate how you should handle your ex, even if the relationship is older. Also 'unless' ... how was 'unless' mentioned ? Unless is an ultimatum, it means that she is dictating terms 'do it like this, or else'. It's a bad idea to be with someone for yrs and yrs and to do the 'unless' but someone a few weeks old ? And now I don't know what to do. I've read the NC guide all the way through and there isn't a provision for "What to do if your girlfriend makes you choose between her as gf and your ex as a friend or neither of them". It's a test, and it's not a test ... it's actually a catch-22. In terms of 'what to do best for your relationship or her', there is no clear answer [hence the catch-22 part]. In terms of what to do best for you ... this girl is idealist, young [i assume just out of HS, where they tend to think that they are 'relationship specialists' ?], demanding, uses ultimatums ... etc. 1
Mr Scorpio Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I would invoke the argument that you are maintaining NC: 1) as a show of respect to your current GF, 2) in order to devote your energy to your current relationship and not your old one, and 3) to maintain your own health. She can take it or leave it. She is in no position to dictate to whom you are forced to speak, to determine how you deal with your own personal problems. 3
BeingMe Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 There could be a few different things going on: - She talks to Exs and feels threatened by your (emotionally healthy) boundary. If that's the case, be careful...partners with poor boundaries are more likely to cheat. - She's co-dependent and wants to 'fix' you to her idea of what she wants in a partner. She thinks your boundaries aren't healthy (they are). - She's NPD or similar and is testing you to see if you'll do what she says (cloaking it in terms of thinking about someone else) at the expense of your own boundaries. NPD's and personality disordered people often move relationships on very quickly,using love bombing to seduce someone quickly because they know they cannot keep the full facade up for long...then gradually let it down bit by bit until the person is both hooked and allowing themselves to be treated badly. I wouldn't say you'd need to wait a year for this type of conversation, but a few weeks in is rushing things, unless she's been badly hurt recently and is trying to work out if you have any red flags...but even so, it's healthier to get to know someone gradually and look at their actions over time, not just their words. IF she has been hurt, she may really be on the rebound and not have worked through her issues on the previous relationship, judging by her behaviour she may be trying to work through those issues using you relationship,rather than by taking time to grow by herself first. Umm,I think basically we're all saying, this is a red flag. You have a healthy boundary and she is trying to force you to break it. NOT GOOD
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