LovesSunnyDays Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Hi there I have been reading posts on Love Shack and have learned many things about dates on this site. Can someone please give me insights to this or share their experience on this situation? I recently signed up on an online dating site, didn't find anything interesting until maybe a week back. He msged me first and quickly we exchanged contact# (we are both in our early 30s) then We chatted non stop through texts for a few days and set up a time to meet in person. The guy was a gentlemen, open doors ( car doors too), let me pick seat at restaurant and paid, I told him I would buy him meal later. Hugged at the end and told me he hopes to see me soon, checked up on me on whether I get home safe then we chatted a bit before we say good night on texts. During the dinner, I am not sure if it is because I was extremely tired due to not enough of sleep for the past few days (only 4-5 hours so sleep where as I need about 8-9 hours of sleep to feel refreshed), it was him doing most of the talking and I didn't have much to say, and at the end I just think I'm not in a good situation to keep the date going because I'm tired and I didn't want him to think this is what I am usually like, I just told him I'm tired and want to go home. After this date, he stops initiate to msg me, but if I msg him he would still reply and one day past, I receive this msg from him "I so want to tell you that I am taking this dating thing slow. You are the first date I went on since I decided to get back into it. I still have a few dates left over the next while. I promised myself to try all and everything in the next few months to a year. I hope you don't feel that I am not being sincere but I have to give myself the time to try everything and ease back into a relationship. I really like you but I just feel this will not be a good decision if I rush it and I owe it to myself to explore everything out there" Then he goes on saying: " if you don't mind casual dates it will be great hanging out, but I am not sure I am ready for a relationship yet" "I am looking at a very deep ocean and it's not easy to just jump in, my last serious relationship was 7 years ago, so I am definitely going to take it real easy, so I am definitely not going to hinder you, because it seems like you are ready" And I asked him why he isn't ready, he told me: " I think at this point it's a commitment issue" I feel really sad, I really like this guy, i told him that I really like him too. But I think this is kind of like "he is just not that into you" situation, right? I like his integrity, value and the way he present himself. This is the guy I've met in a long while that make me think he is a good potential partner. I think it's a bad news when a guy tells a girl that he is not ready for a relationship. But can anyone give me some light on this? If I should keep trying to "get" him, and maybe eventually he will change his mind? Or just wait it out from now on? Sorry this might sound cocky, I think I am pretty, and my personality is sweet and hold good integrity (one of the thin I pride myself on), I have both inside and outside and I just don't get why? Is it me or is it him? Can someone decode the situation and give me some suggestion? Sorry about the long post, thank you so much for reading if you manage to finish it. I do want to put this negative energy on my friend, they have their own thing to worry about and you guys have been giving good insights, so I resort to LS for answers. Please be gentle but direct
confidencestands Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 (edited) There is nothing to decode. He told you straight up that he doesn't want a serious relationship but he is agreeable to having sex with you. This is where you wish him all the luck and spend your energy on someone who wants the same as you. Edited April 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quoted text to make it easier to read 4
Mo_Do Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 He has lots of options and isn't buying the first car he sees. I am also a professional male in my early 30's and the dating sites so far have been like shooting fish in a barrel for me, so I assume its the same for him. He wants to play the field - and just **** you without any commitment. His response will likely be cut and pasted to all of the girls that like him. Cast your line back in the pond and keep looking - don't get so attached next time. 2
Author LovesSunnyDays Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 He has lots of options and isn't buying the first car he sees. I am also a professional male in my early 30's and the dating sites so far have been like shooting fish in a barrel for me, so I assume its the same for him. He wants to play the field - and just **** you without any commitment. His response will likely be cut and pasted to all of the girls that like him. Cast your line back in the pond and keep looking - don't get so attached next time. Hi Mo_Do Thanks for your reply, yea I won't get so attached the next time definitely. He was the first guy I went out since I signed up the dating site too. I just really like him. Anyways, I am not going to sit and wait for him, i agree with you he has options, but is there any chance that after he explored and found nothing, maybe he will get back in touch with me? ( I told him I'm not into casual dating) He is pretty honest about what he is thinking by telling me all that, so when he said he really likes me, I think he really meant it right?
BDL Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 He seems rather rusty when it comes to dating. I think he mistook your tiredness and lack of talking as a sign of disinterest, so he is protecting himself and saving face but telling you he is taking it slow and dating around. I think it took a hit to his ego. You can try keeping in touch with him at least once a week by text, and see if he's still interested in you. If he is, he will usually set up a date but if he doesn't after a couple weeks, be direct and you plan the date. On your next date, just go have fun and don't expect any outcome. After 2 months, then you should know if you really like him and want an exclusive relationship. But give it time and take it slow. 1
soccerrprp Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 ...but is there any chance that after he explored and found nothing, maybe he will get back in touch with me? ( I told him I'm not into casual dating) He is pretty honest about what he is thinking by telling me all that, so when he said he really likes me, I think he really meant it right? Wow, you're in trouble with future relationships too. He told you he was ready to have a committed relationship with you. Take it for what it is, but it's not with you. You develop strong feelings and this from emailing and a SINGLE that didn't go all that well. Let it go. He may come back, but don't obsess about him. YOU DON'T KNOW him. He's still a stranger. If he does, do you think he'll be ready for what YOU want? I just don't understand how you can have feelings for someone you know very little about...
Mrin Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Ya OLDing is like an ATM for first dates if you have a decent profile and can give email and text. You were his first and he wants to try out a bunch more. Totally normal. You should too. I wouldn't take it personal. The first couple OLD dates for me were stunning smart women who had their crap together. I kinda wished they had been OLD dates #9 and #10 as I was in a far different place by then.
Author LovesSunnyDays Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Wow, you're in trouble with future relationships too. He told you he was ready to have a committed relationship with you. Take it for what it is, but it's not with you. You develop strong feelings and this from emailing and a SINGLE that didn't go all that well. Let it go. He may come back, but don't obsess about him. YOU DON'T KNOW him. He's still a stranger. If he does, do you think he'll be ready for what YOU want? I just don't understand how you can have feelings for someone you know very little about... Yea I am not sitting around waiting for him, just looking for some insights to this. I like him because we had some intellectual convo and most of our views were in synced. I really like his view on things. And he is smart and knowledgeable. But non of these matters now, I will move on. Who knows what might happen in the future. Thanks soccer
Author LovesSunnyDays Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Ya OLDing is like an ATM for first dates if you have a decent profile and can give email and text. You were his first and he wants to try out a bunch more. Totally normal. You should too. I wouldn't take it personal. The first couple OLD dates for me were stunning smart women who had their crap together. I kinda wished they had been OLD dates #9 and #10 as I was in a far different place by then. Mrin, you provide a new interesting insight on my post! I started to feel OLD provide too many options, and people doesn't put much effort into getting to know one person and instead just move on to the next one quickly. I hope everything work out for you the way you want Thanks for your reply, it does make me feel better.
spiderowl Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 He's telling you he's fine with a casual relationship (read sex but no commitment), but he wants to explore whatever else is out there. He's just come out of a relationship so that's likely true. Maybe he didn't feel a great connection but liked you. Regardless, he is not interested enough at this point in time. There is little point trying to work out why - he could well be just wanting to 'sow his wild oats' and if you have any sense you'll keep away from a guy who is pretty much telling you that. If you two did get on well and he really liked you, my feeling is he's more likely to pursue things with you if you forget about him. Chasing him in any form is pointless and likely to lead to you being hurt, as well as making him even more wary as he knows you are looking for something more serious than he is. Aren't you worth more than just being a casual date on this guy's long list?
Mo_Do Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Hi Mo_Do Thanks for your reply, yea I won't get so attached the next time definitely. He was the first guy I went out since I signed up the dating site too. I just really like him. Anyways, I am not going to sit and wait for him, i agree with you he has options, but is there any chance that after he explored and found nothing, maybe he will get back in touch with me? ( I told him I'm not into casual dating) He is pretty honest about what he is thinking by telling me all that, so when he said he really likes me, I think he really meant it right? I was just like you after the first date I went on years ago, when she wasn't interested afterwards I was devastated - almost like a break up! Now? I've been on 9 dates in under 2 months - its just dating! My advice is set up a few more dates with other guys and you'll forget about that guy in no time. If all you're after is a bit of attraction and some intellect I am certain you'll be just fine. Good luck, from T.O 1
Mrin Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Mrin, you provide a new interesting insight on my post! I started to feel OLD provide too many options, and people doesn't put much effort into getting to know one person and instead just move on to the next one quickly. I hope everything work out for you the way you want Thanks for your reply, it does make me feel better. Oh my pleasure. Ya in some ways it provides too many options or at least it seems that way at first. But on the upside is that it vastly compresses the time required to play the field, see what's out there and yes, rebound. One thing to keep in mind about the nature of OLDing is that the guy usually makes the first move. Even with the greatest profile he probably only hears back from 25% - 50% of the women he contacts. So it encourages the men to contact many women all at once. So before you know it your chatting up anywhere from 3 to ? women at once. I once had something like 10 women I was chatting with. Now, I know this is essentially the same thing for women. But here is the difference - for the guy, he selected each woman based on some sort of criteria and also he was the one that made the first move. So invariably the more considerate blokes feel almost an obligation to meet most if not all women he is chatting up. I know I do. But if she made the first move, I don't feel that. So sometimes with active OLD guys you will get this sort of lull after the first or second date. It worked well for me as the gal I really clicked with was somewhere towards the end of that cycle. So all I had to do was contact the other women I had taken out and let them know that I had met someone and wanted to see where things went. They all were cool with it (mostly) and several said something to the effect of "I hope it works out but if not, please call me first thing OK?"
soccerrprp Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Ack, sorry, missed some key words...my earlier post corrected below. Wow, you're in trouble with future relationships too. He told you he was NOT ready to have a committed relationship with you. Take it for what it is, but it's not with you. You develop strong feelings and this from emailing and a SINGLE date that didn't go all that well. Let it go. He may come back, but don't obsess about him. YOU DON'T KNOW him. He's still a stranger. If he does, do you think he'll be ready for what YOU want? I just don't understand how you can have feelings for someone you know very little about... 1
confidencestands Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 (edited) "I so want to tell you that I am taking this dating thing slow. You are the first date I went on since I decided to get back into it. I still have a few dates left over the next while. I promised myself to try all and everything in the next few months to a year. I hope you don't feel that I am not being sincere but I have to give myself the time to try everything and ease back into a relationship. I really like you but I just feel this will not be a good decision if I rush it and I owe it to myself to explore everything out there" Then he goes on saying: " if you don't mind casual dates it will be great hanging out, but I am not sure I am ready for a relationship yet" "I am looking at a very deep ocean and it's not easy to just jump in, my last serious relationship was 7 years ago, so I am definitely going to take it real easy, so I am definitely not going to hinder you, because it seems like you are ready" And I asked him why he isn't ready, he told me: " I think at this point it's a commitment issue" I really like this guy, i told him that I really like him too. I like his integrity, value and the way he present himself. This is the guy I've met in a long while that make me think he is a good potential partner. I think it's a bad news when a guy tells a girl that he is not ready for a relationship. Sometimes reading your OP DISSECTED is the best way to bring some concerns to light so that we can continue to grow. 1.) There is NO WAY after one date you can measure this man's integrity. If you are talking about all of those things he did on the date, you are giving him WAY too much credit as those are the things he is suppose to do as a respectful man taking a woman on a date. Don't idolize him. This becomes dangerous. 2.) You really like him? What is it that you really like him for? Do you really know him to say you REALLY like him? After one date, I doubt it. 3.) A good potential partner after one date? Girl, it take much longer than this to determine if someone is a potential partner. Please, in the next date you go on, give yourself at least 3-4 months in dating them to even start to think about them being a potential partner. Edited April 6, 2014 by confidencestands 1
Author LovesSunnyDays Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Oh my pleasure. Ya in some ways it provides too many options or at least it seems that way at first. But on the upside is that it vastly compresses the time required to play the field, see what's out there and yes, rebound. One thing to keep in mind about the nature of OLDing is that the guy usually makes the first move. Even with the greatest profile he probably only hears back from 25% - 50% of the women he contacts. So it encourages the men to contact many women all at once. So before you know it your chatting up anywhere from 3 to ? women at once. I once had something like 10 women I was chatting with. Now, I know this is essentially the same thing for women. But here is the difference - for the guy, he selected each woman based on some sort of criteria and also he was the one that made the first move. So invariably the more considerate blokes feel almost an obligation to meet most if not all women he is chatting up. I know I do. But if she made the first move, I don't feel that. So sometimes with active OLD guys you will get this sort of lull after the first or second date. It worked well for me as the gal I really clicked with was somewhere towards the end of that cycle. So all I had to do was contact the other women I had taken out and let them know that I had met someone and wanted to see where things went. They all were cool with it (mostly) and several said something to the effect of "I hope it works out but if not, please call me first thing OK?" I would totally understand if a guy told me that he met someone that he sees a potential of it going somewhere. I'm glad and jealous you found someone special on OLD, I wish I could have the same too, but I've been feeling like I should close the account... Just like Mo_Do said, I feel kind of devastated and almost feel like I got dumped ( like a break up). I know it's ridiculous lol.
Author LovesSunnyDays Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Sometimes reading your OP DISSECTED is the best way to bring some concerns to light so that we can continue to grow. 1.) There is NO WAY after one date you can measure this man's integrity. If you are talking about all of those things he did on the date, you are giving him WAY too much credit as those are the things he is suppose to do as a respectful man taking a woman on a date. Don't idolize him. This becomes dangerous. 2.) You really like him? What is it that you really like him for? Do you really know him to say you REALLY like him? After one date, I doubt it. 3.) A good potential partner after one date? Girl, it take much longer than this to determine if someone is a potential partner. Please, in the next date you go on, give yourself at least 3-4 months in dating them to even start to think about them being a potential partner. Ouch, I feel so amateur in dating.. 1. You're right, I shouldn't have idolize him when I have only known him in such a short time. And I measure his integrity by all the conversation we had not from what he did on the date. 3. Correction to my own words: I think he could have the potential to develop into someone I am looking for, but not that it matters now. I love you guys for giving me your opinions and suggestions. I have to be more guarded next time 1
Author LovesSunnyDays Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 He's telling you he's fine with a casual relationship (read sex but no commitment), but he wants to explore whatever else is out there. He's just come out of a relationship so that's likely true. Maybe he didn't feel a great connection but liked you. Regardless, he is not interested enough at this point in time. There is little point trying to work out why - he could well be just wanting to 'sow his wild oats' and if you have any sense you'll keep away from a guy who is pretty much telling you that. If you two did get on well and he really liked you, my feeling is he's more likely to pursue things with you if you forget about him. Chasing him in any form is pointless and likely to lead to you being hurt, as well as making him even more wary as he knows you are looking for something more serious than he is. Aren't you worth more than just being a casual date on this guy's long list? Spiderowl, no his last serious relationship was 7-8 years ago, but you're right, if I keep this going, I'm playing with fire, I know I won't be able to handle it and will get hurt at the end. I am usually not the type of woman that pursuit a guy, so I will let it go for now, and If anything happen in the future then I will see, if not great, I'll forget about him by then 1
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