mugirl213 Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 I'm currently in a relationship with my bf...for a little over a year. He's told me from the 4 month time mark that he has difficulties telling someone he loves them...with his ex, it took 2 years. I recently asked him if he loved me, to which he said no, but he feels that I'm his soul mate, he could marry me, he doesn't see himself falling in love with anyone else...but just can't say the big L. I'm wondering...how long is too long? He also told me that he feels saying "i love you" is basically like pre-proposing to a girl...if that helps. He's also only ever said I love you to the ex that broke his heart....not sure what to do.
VirginiaBob Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 I guess you can look at this in a good way or a bad way. The fact that he doesn't tell he loves you hurts you, yet the fact that the words "I love you" mean so much to him that he is actually selective when saying it is a great thing. Hold on to him.
Author mugirl213 Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 Oh he is very selective in his wording...he's told me many a time that he thinks people throw the words love around too lightly these days. It's just scary to think he could never love me...even after a year now. I hope that he will. I think to some degree he does in the way he acts around me...I don't think you can fake that caring.
emopunk Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Love is a big word... but I'm not sure I agree with your boyfriend. Saying "I love you" is NOT pre-proposing to someone. For the average person, there will be many that you love. Although, I will say that I feel people use the word far far too loosely. I would also say that his ex has definitely damaged him where relationships are concerned. Let me ask you this: How important are hearing those words to you? Can you live not hearing them, or knowing the reservation with which he approaches this? Most people need to hear those actual words... and when you don't, it just eats you apart. Although... do you KNOW that he loves you? Is it beyond question? Actions do, afterall, speak louder than words. But as to his soulmates idea... I don't buy into that, but that IS just my personal opinion. ... In re-reading your post, you say that your boyfriend stated that he couldn't see himself falling in love with anyone else. Does this mean that he does love you? And if he's willing to say that much, saying "I love you" is not a very big step at all. I'd say hold on to him, though make him aware of what you want to hear at some point.
Author mugirl213 Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 He said he can't imagine loving anyone more than me...which basically means....there's no one else he could see himself falling in love with. He does show me he loves me...and if I hadn't heard the details on why he won't say it I probably would feel bad...and I do feel bad partly....I just don't know if I should hang in there. Just knowing it took him 2 years to say to his ex kinda lets me hang in there...but I dunno...
CurlyIam Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Stop compairing yourself to his ex. It's not a relevant time frame. Maybe he needs one year and a half with you. Maybe 3. And maybe he said this because he felt pressure from you. I'm sure he's found of you and after 4 months, people rarely are indeed inlove with someone. They're infatuated, in lust, attracted to someone. I agree, love is being built in time. But I also understand your concern. I know how important it is to hear these words. It's a confirmation of his feelings, of your relationship, it's a stage of development of your relationship. I know it can be very frustrating because his not saying "I love you" can be perceived as him not committing to you... What can I say? Go with your guts and not with your pride. If you feel he's a keeper, keep him. If you think he demands too much, well, it's your right to leave.
Author mugirl213 Posted January 31, 2005 Author Posted January 31, 2005 Curly...we have been together for a year...the 4 months thingi was when he explained to me his feelings on love.
CurlyIam Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 s***, my bad! What's your age? What do you expect from him? Do you see him in your future? I know it's frustrating, but maybe he's simply trying to be honest? I don't know, to me this is weird. I'm an extroverted person, I usually end up telling boys "I love you" first and hate myself in the morning . As I told you, I go with my gut. It's a very sore spot. Well, with 14 of February coming up, it can't be too easy for you. Why don't you open the subject again? Talk to him. Explain him your worries. MAke him talk about how he feels. I think love is not only about doing the right thing, but about sharing this feeling and enjoying it. Admitting it. It's not complete otherwise. Talk to him, maybe he'll understand. Love, Twinkle
joeyNoelle Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 I can understand how desperately you want to hear those words just to reinstate how he feels....but some guys just don't say it..they think showing you is enough which it really should be...what i would say is if sooner or later if you asked him the question...do you love me? and his answer is NO. I couldn't handle that personally...i feel at that stage of being with someone..if he has no love for you that he can express in words ..that would hurt! How do you feel about him..do you love him?..if so ..i would tell him and explain that this doesn't mean i'm going to propose to you but its just the way i feel.....regardelss of how you do or don't feel about me....the truth is if he cares enough to see that witholding the love word hurts you he will just say it and stop being so pedantic....screw what his ex did to him..we have all been hurt ..move on ..you are not her and you demand different things! It seems like he takes the word love too seriously...there is one thing to be careful with who you say it to and there is another to tell your girlfriend of a year that NO you don't love her! COME ON ! Seems to me that he takes love as a serious sign of commitment....but maybe he doesn't understand that without love there is nothing to be worthy of commitment ! He wants to keep you around without really commiting...is this what you really want..are you happy to just keep waiting around for him, hoping that he will be able to love you....i think you need to ask him ..can you love me or am i wasting my time....that will give him a jolt for sure!
emopunk Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Actions speak louder than words... but if there are no words, what can you compare the actions to? It's a "total package" when it comes to this. You have to say you love someone, and then show that person. Or vice versa. One doesn't exist without the other.
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