Boyfriend who has Best Friend that is female

[Missy31]

Should I be concerned, I just starting dating a guy....He is very much into me, but he constantly talks about one of his "Best Friends" who happens to be a female, he talks about her all the time and before we dated, they did everything together, almost like BF & GF. Should I be concerned, or just leave it alone?

 

I brought up the issue about her to my BF and he says they are just VERY VERY good friends and that he loves me...He says I'm being too sensitive

 

any suggestions????

[missouribabe]

Well, I can offer you a different perspective. One of my best friends is a guy. We've been great friends for almost five years, and nothing ever happened romantically at all. We have very similar personalities, enjoy talking to one another, and have helped each other through a lot of stuff. He's given me advice on different guys and has been a great friend through some of my breakups.

 

Anyway, he has a very serious girlfriend who he's definitely going to marry. I have become pretty good friends with her as well, through him. I really like her a lot and love spending time with the two of them. No jealousy whatsoever on my part.

 

However, I do think she is a bit threatened by me. I've noticed that my guy friend cuts a lot of our conversations really short and doesn't really make the same effort to hang out anymore. I totally understand that she is his number one priority now, I really do. But it still hurts sometimes. I miss him. The reason I think the diminished contact could be because of her is that he's told me on more than one occassion that she feels a bit threatened and really wants me to like her (which I do!).

 

Putting myself in her shoes, I can see why she'd be a bit weirded out by our friendship. I mean, you always hear that men and women can never be JUST friends. She probably feels a little weird if they're hanging out at home and he calls to chat with me about stuff or emails me. And I understand it. I'd probably feel the same way in her position. It's just a little off-putting. Nevertheless, I miss my friend

 

Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this is because I want you to know that it is DEFINITELY possible that your boyfriend and this other girl are strictly friends, that nothing has or will ever happen romantically. I think the best advice is to befriend her, get to know her, she could be a great girl who has no ulterior motives whatsoever and just enjoys true friendship.

[Stylin22]

If you are worried, play this cautiously and see how it goes. All you can do is express your concerns to him and if he acknowledges them, he will respect them. If he is into you, he will go out of his way to respect them. As much as it bothers you, try not to make a thing out of it. Guys are loyal to their pals, even if he is a she. It takes a while for a new girl to rise through the ranks so play the time card and see what happens...

[gypsy25]

=) My boyfriend has a very good friend who happens to be a girl as well. Now this may sound incredibly shallow of me, but I've never been threatened by the relationship between the two of them because she is not, as they say, all that attractive. Now I'm not really sure how others feel about this topic, but to me, a man and a woman cannot just be "friends" unless one or the other is not attractive physically. Like I said, I know this sounds extremely shallow and vain, but I think it's reality when it comes to human nature and relationships. I can tell you right now that if my boyfriends female friend were physically attractive I would for sure be jealous and insecure about it for the reasons I just stated. For you, what is your take on his friend? Have you ever met her? I have met his friend and she is literally "like one o' the guys" and my boyfriend and I have talked about how we both need to be physically attracted to a person in order to have a relationship w/ them. In fact, his last "relationship" ended because he wasn't attracted to her and he tried to be a bigger person and date her for her personality and it didn't work. Size up his friend, let that guide your opinion.

[joeyNoelle]

My advice is.....if this is a fairly new relationship with your bf....let it go for a while...things are new and you are still feeling things out...etc....he is still probably sussing out whether this is a serious thing with you...in that case don't expect him to compromise on his friendships just yet.

 

On the other hand ....consider....do you feel in any way threatened by their friendship....do you think one of them feels more than just friendship...if so ..give it time for u to suss the situation.U should probably meet this girl and see how they interact together.

The truth is he should be spending more time with you than with her.....and it is unhealthy in my opinion for someone to be so focused on one of their friends that they are all they talk about! Or perhaps it was purely a friendship thing and it could be a kind of jealousy tactic..you know how ppl play games.

 

But once you have sussed it out and if you don't like what is going on, tell him...look i know u guys are good friends...but (this, this ,this- whatever it is that bothers you about it)bothers me...hopefully he will respect that him contantly going on about this girl upsets you and if he cares about you enough he will stop talking about her soo much .

 

Don't expect him to stop seeing her....but maybe seeing her less is one option...or suggest that you see her in a group situation....or he sees her with you.. in the end ..friends are still just friends..and girlfriends are still just girlfriends ...both are replacable....so you will see how much he considers you.

 

I happen to have a lot of guy friends...they are not my best friend though but still close friends...my bf doesn't particularly like some of them..because they have tried to break us up ...and one of them just recently confessed that he used to be in love with me....in this case i value my relationship enough and his feeling senough to a) when i se these ppl i tell him what we talk about etc.. no secrets b) i see less of them now c) I will usually invite him along when i see them d) i usually see them in group situations.

 

There is one male friend of mine who i have a special connection with..he has been away and my bf hasn't met him yet..not sure if he will...my friendship with him has changed over the years and we have drifted apart but we are still friends and i will make an effort to see him when he gets back..this will be without bf though.Reasons being i have known guy since i was 5...there have been feelings there at some time...but not anymore...fact is he trusts me...I trust him..and i would never cheat on him.

 

The way i figure it .. there are some things you can't control....if your bf chooses to be with someone else down the line..there is nothing u can do about it..it is out of your control..just have faith in your qualities and know that if he wanders he is the one at fault.....sometimes you can't help getting a litle jealous but... if you realise that..whatever happens happens...your bf leaves or stays etc the world doesn't end...and you deserve better....everyone deserves to be with someone that appreciates them and has an overrriding commitment. yes temptations comes and goes but sometimes you need to show them that u don't care that much..if they hurt you too much you will be gone....and thats the end of it....no big drama..seeya later.

[quankanne]

leave it be. she prolly is his good friend, bordering on wished-for sibling, and poses no threat to you. two of my very best friends are guys.

 

one is married, and his wife is accepting of our relationship, even gives us time to hang out together if one of us needs it. I don't imagine she's jealous of me because we both understand that she is the love of his life, and I'm the person he's adopted as his sister, there's no confusion about our roles ever crossing.

 

the other guy tells me that the women in his life always ask about me, so I kind of wonder if they don't think I'm an ex of his it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable knowing that I'm some kind of litmus test for them, but I think he wants it known up front that he's got a close female friend and they've gotta be able to handle it if they're serious about him.

 

my husband is okay with the idea that I try to spend as much time with my guys when I go home to my dad's -- he knows that I love those two guys with all my heart, but not *that* way ... ever!

 

my guess is that your guy will want you to be comfortable with her, and her with you, and that's why he talks about her so much.

[Stylin22]

I thought of something else. He may be testing the water to see if it's hot or cold. I mean, if it is a prized relationship and with that of an opposite sex, he may be dropping bits so to see how you will react. Not like a game to play but to see if it's going to be acceptable. I would approach the conversation with how his past ex-girlfriends have dealt with the situation without mentioning yourself. Ask him how he felt about their reaction(s).

[ReluctantRomeo]

I have 3 best friends, one of whom is female (let's call her Jane). She's even an ex-gf, although this is now 10 years ago, so ancient history.

 

ReluctantJuliette (and her predecessors) have always been a bit suspicious of this at first, but it really is just a platonic relationship and has been for 10 years now. Both Jane and I are sensitive to this though and dial down in the early stages of a relationship, until Juliette feels comfortable. I won't see Jane except with ReluctantJuliette, Jane makes an effort to make friends with Juliette. Since Jane is about to be married (to Tarzan - my new friend), we've even doubledated sometimes.

 

The bottom line is: talk to your man. I already know and am willing to accept that my friendship with Jane must be limited to what Juliette can handle. And this is *very* limited at the beginning of the relationship with a new ReluctantJuliette. I would be unhappy with a Juliette who wanted Tarzan and Jane completed out of my life, but I'm willing to accept limitations.

 

PS Yes, I don't have a sister. Jane has become over the years a substitute sister, rather than an ex-gf.

 

PPS But I'm the very faithful type. I really don't look at anyone who's not Juliette and when I get introduced to eligible bachelorettes, I always drop Juliette into the conversation in the first 5 minutes. Do you feel secure in your guy's faithfulness?