lamis Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Hey everyone, you may or may not know my story here, but the short version is that I was with a woman for three years and engaged to her for 10 months. She broke up with me three weeks ago during a temporary LDR period in our relationship. She developed feelings for another man, and developed lots of doubts about us and gave up, in short. I had been doing quite well, had reached the point where I was certainly still hurting, but I didn't MISS her exactly. I wished she had been stronger and made better decisions, and tried harder perhaps, but I didn't miss her. I came back to the U.S. yesterday, for what was originally supposed to be for a visit with her where we were going to be pound out the last details for our wedding, among other things. Unfortunately, instead this became a trip where I went to pick up my things from our/her apartment. Unfortunately, being in her apartment was really awful for me, because of all of the memories we had there. Our/her dog was also there and really happy to see me, which just crushed me. What is worse, is how incredibly nice she was. We arranged for her not to be there but my ex did so many nice things for me. She packed up my trunk ahead of time, made sure my car was filled with gas, and even got my oil changed for me. She also, knowing that I am a terrible packer, made sure to label things as to where she thought they would best fit in my tiny car. We also had to break NC the day before yesterday because my flight in Dallas got canceled, and we had to arrange a new time for her not to be there different than the one we arranged three weeks ago in our final conversation. So basically, both her kindness and having to communicate with her, however very briefly, have really caused me to regress. I miss her again, which I haven't really for two weeks. The good news now is that there is literally no reason for me to contact her ever again, and I also still don't want her back, I never have wanted her back since it happened -- but the sense of longing that I had gotten rid of is back. I am not as bad as I was the first three or four days of the break up at least (you know, the crippling soul-sucking grief stage) but I really hate that I miss her again. Anyway, I guess I'm looking for a pep talk/advice or something. Thanks everyone.
mangetout Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 The fact that you don't want her back means that you are halfway there. These feelings will pass. I reckon in a few weeks you will be fine again.
FortunateSon Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Her kindness = her guilt. Don't mistake it for anything else. As mentioned, the fact you don't want her back shows you have made good progress, keep it up!
Author lamis Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 Her kindness = her guilt. Don't mistake it for anything else. As mentioned, the fact you don't want her back shows you have made good progress, keep it up! Thanks. This is a good point, and I had not thought about it from this angle. She probably did do those things because she feels bad, not because she really cares about me at all. That makes it somewhat easier.
LadyM Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I think had she been kind to you, or not especially kind, it was a situation that was going to bring your feelings flooding back no matter what. Being in her apartment touched upon so many memories, there was no way you were going to go through this without feelings of missing her. And far better that she went out of her way to make this easier for you than to be left with negativity had she been nasty. It is perfectly understandable that you miss her, but those feelings will subside soon. The sense of longing will decrease. I think you're doing fabulous!
StGeorge22 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Went thru something recently where I had contact with my ex, stung like hell and made me miss her again, but I bounced back much quicker this time and was feeling better after a week or so. Hope the same happens with you, I'm sure it will
jonsnuh Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 If it helps at all, perhaps she did all those nice things to ensure you got out of her life without any hitch and ASAP. This way of looking at it sounds harsh, and I'm sorry for offending you.
Lifegoezon Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 If it helps at all, perhaps she did all those nice things to ensure you got out of her life without any hitch and ASAP. This way of looking at it sounds harsh, and I'm sorry for offending you. Agreed. Maybe a tinge of niceness to minimise your hurt (and hence her guilt at causing it) When my parents separated my mum organised everything. Found dad a flat, divided the possessions, copied photos and put in albums for him, set up his bank/utility accounts. Everything to ease his transition and make sure nothing could delay or stymie all her plans. Your ex would have hated getting back and finding you still there faffing about so she speeded you up. Only 3 weeks in and not yet in NC you're doing great so far. Bad days may lie ahead but this is a new beginning for you now. Good luck.
Author lamis Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 If it helps at all, perhaps she did all those nice things to ensure you got out of her life without any hitch and ASAP. This way of looking at it sounds harsh, and I'm sorry for offending you. It is harsh, but it is also what I need to hear. I don't want anything even resembling hope to ignite inside of me. I also don't want to be thinking that she still cares about me, because that makes things more difficult. So, the more harsh explanations the merrier.
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