Love simply vanished in the air, how will I tell her I don't love her anymore?

April 7, 2014

Don't do it.

April 7, 2014

You sound like a good person. But love doesn't vanish overnight. Your supposed intellectuality in my opinion is working against you.

You either never loved her or you're just going through a phase. People fall in and out of love in relationships and marriages, it's phases. I would have looked more into it if I were you. Because now unfortunately the trust will be broken. I commend your efforts and wanting to protect her as you say, but love vanishing randomly overnight after 5 nights? That's pretty crazy

April 7, 2014

You sound like a good person. But love doesn't vanish overnight. Your supposed intellectuality in my opinion is working against you.

You either never loved her or you're just going through a phase. People fall in and out of love in relationships and marriages, it's phases. I would have looked more into it if I were you. Because now unfortunately the trust will be broken. I commend your efforts and wanting to protect her as you say, but love vanishing randomly overnight after 5 nights? That's pretty crazy

Thank you SiH for your contribution.

But can phases last 3 months? And if so would it give you the impression that you don't love your partner anymore? How do couples deal with phases?

And what do you precisely mean by "I would have looked more into it if I were you"?

(sorry for bombing you with questions)

Thanks again

April 8, 2014

Thank you SiH for your contribution.
But can phases last 3 months? And if so would it give you the impression that you don't love your partner anymore? How do couples deal with phases?
And what do you precisely mean by "I would have looked more into it if I were you"?
(sorry for bombing you with questions)
Thanks again

Happy to help, brother, no reason to apologize.

But yes, phases can last 3 months. They can last longer. Ask people who have been married for years and years, they'll tell you they fall in and out of love, the key is not doing it at the same time, or simply just not giving up.

By looking more into it I just meant that, more or less. Ask couples if that's normal to fall in and out of love. But to lose your feelings overnight... that sounds like it was influenced by a dream that you no longer remember.

April 10, 2014

Hi guys,

I'm still very confused and I'm suffering from it. My emotions are alternating between wanting her back and feeling satisfied with the decision I made. My feelings once completely disappeared are resurfacing from time to time so I concluded that this is what I am: a very emotionally unstable person. I don't know if this is infatuation effect or lost love but I know I'm going to suffer anyways whether I go back to her or not. I know just one thing for sure: the sooner I tell her it's completely over the sooner she'll move on. I think I will have to suffer long before moving on because I have an extremist unrealistic mind. I think I'm gonna call her and tell her this so she moves on as quickly as possible and then lie on my bed in a fetal position for 1 month or 2.

What do you guys think?

April 10, 2014

from the time you said your feelings changed after day 5 of the 24/7 episode you must realize that most likely your gf felt that change...when we are with someone any change slight or huge is noticeable to the other party. its up to them whether they take it on or not. but regardless, a break up is a break up is a break up. it will always hurt. it will be painful. and all parties are affected at varying levels. i can see that you are over analyzing your reaction and hers too. just do both of you a favor and do it. you clearly need a break to figure yourself out. if time comes that you want her back well leave that decision for her to make. you made the decision to leave. so why cant you share the power if you ever decide that what you had what really what you want. but again i go back to figure yourself out first.

April 10, 2014

Update: she just called me to say "good luck for your exams" and I told her I still need time to figure things out. I made her understand better the situation.

She said I disappointed her too much though. I told her that I'm aware of this but that that the last thing I want is to make her suffer.

April 10, 2014

from the time you said your feelings changed after day 5 of the 24/7 episode you must realize that most likely your gf felt that change...when we are with someone any change slight or huge is noticeable to the other party. its up to them whether they take it on or not. but regardless, a break up is a break up is a break up. it will always hurt. it will be painful. and all parties are affected at varying levels. i can see that you are over analyzing your reaction and hers too. just do both of you a favor and do it. you clearly need a break to figure yourself out. if time comes that you want her back well leave that decision for her to make. you made the decision to leave. so why cant you share the power if you ever decide that what you had what really what you want. but again i go back to figure yourself out first.

Thank you SFE for your input.

I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm still very confused though.

April 10, 2014

Update: she just called me to say "good luck for your exams" and I told her I still need time to figure things out. I made her understand better the situation.
She said I disappointed her too much though. I told her that I'm aware of this but that that the last thing I want is to make her suffer.

I'm going to be honest with you--I don't believe you anymore. If you don't want to make her suffer, stop stringing her along & end it. The reason you "still need time to figure things out" is because you are worried about how YOU will feel, not her. Now, don't get me wrong, considering your own feelings is not a bad thing, but OWN IT. Don't pretend that you are being selfless for her benefit.

Let me give you a little analogy....

I've been purging and packing in preparation to move to a new home. Going through my closet, I have come across certain items that I haven't worn in years but I've found it hard to let them go. Some remind me of a special occasion...others remind me of when I was young(er)...and some I really like although they've been out of style since the 90s.

There are also a few things that I don't really even like but I'm reluctant to toss. For example, a pair of dark blue pumps...I've only worn them once or twice & each time, my feet hurt for days. BUT, they're the ONLY pair of dark blue pumps I have, and, if I need a pair of dark blue pumps, THEY'RE BETTER THAN NOTHING, right?

Are you getting where I'm going with this?

Here's the thing...If I get rid those pumps, it is possible that at some point, I may have to go out and buy a new pair. I may not like spending the money & I may not find the exact shade of blue, but chances are, they'll FIT much better than the ones I let go.

Ok, if you don't get it by now, never mind....

April 10, 2014

I'm going to be honest with you--I don't believe you anymore. If you don't want to make her suffer, stop stringing her along & end it. The reason you "still need time to figure things out" is because you are worried about how YOU will feel, not her. Now, don't get me wrong, considering your own feelings is not a bad thing, but OWN IT. Don't pretend that you are being selfless for her benefit.

Let me give you a little analogy....

I've been purging and packing in preparation to move to a new home. Going through my closet, I have come across certain items that I haven't worn in years but I've found it hard to let them go. Some remind me of a special occasion...others remind me of when I was young(er)...and some I really like although they've been out of style since the 90s.

There are also a few things that I don't really even like but I'm reluctant to toss. For example, a pair of dark blue pumps...I've only worn them once or twice & each time, my feet hurt for days. BUT, they're the ONLY pair of dark blue pumps I have, and, if I need a pair of dark blue pumps, THEY'RE BETTER THAN NOTHING, right?

Are you getting where I'm going with this?

Here's the thing...If I get rid those pumps, it is possible that at some point, I may have to go out and buy a new pair. I may not like spending the money & I may not find the exact shade of blue, but chances are, they'll FIT much better than the ones I let go.

Ok, if you don't get it by now, never mind....

Thank you survivor for your reply.

I understand you don't believe me, I also understood your analogy.

First I was actually being selfless for her benefit. That was before the break. Now and after the confusion and resulting suffering have set in I've started to actually consider my own well being. That's true.

The thing is I wasn't expecting her call because we're in a NC so when I answered the phone I wasn't preparing myself to end it as I thought I had more time.

I must precise that I feel much more guilt than the average person and this in all matters of life, I just can't afford to hurt anyone and want to make everyone happy all the time (I'm not praising myself, I'm just describing and I don't really like this trait of personality because it goes at the expense of my own happiness) so this is why I need an intensive self preparation to be actually able to do something that would immediately hurt someone (even if it is for the best).

This is why I behaved this way. I'm not sure if I made this clear enough.

It seems I'm complicating things but it's just the way they are.

Thank you again survivor you were very helpful.

April 10, 2014

Thank you survivor for your reply.
I understand you don't believe me, I also understood your analogy.
First I was actually being selfless for her benefit. That was before the break. Now and after the confusion and resulting suffering have set in I've started to actually consider my own well being. That's true.

The thing is I wasn't expecting her call because we're in a NC so when I answered the phone I wasn't preparing myself to end it as I thought I had more time.

I must precise that I feel much more guilt than the average person and this in all matters of life, I just can't afford to hurt anyone and want to make everyone happy all the time (I'm not praising myself, I'm just describing and I don't really like this trait of personality because it goes at the expense of my own happiness) so this is why I need an intensive self preparation to be actually able to do something that would immediately hurt someone (even if it is for the best).

This is why I behaved this way. I'm not sure if I made this clear enough.
It seems I'm complicating things but it's just the way they are.
Thank you again survivor you were very helpful.

But don't you understand that this is selfish behavior? The longer you 'prepare yourself', the longer you string her along and the longer she suffers and the longer it will take her to recover. You are prolonging her suffering by giving her hope that you will reconcile with her.

She could be starting to heal and preparing to meet someone who does love her and does want to be with her right now but instead, she's still hoping you'll come back to her.

April 10, 2014

But don't you understand that this is selfish behavior? The longer you 'prepare yourself', the longer you string her along and the longer she suffers and the longer it will take her to recover. You are prolonging her suffering by giving her hope that you will reconcile with her.

She could be starting to heal and preparing to meet someone who does love her and does want to be with her right now but instead, she's still hoping you'll come back to her.

You are right KL. Thank you for replying.

It's just that as I posted earlier my feelings are resurfacing and I was and still am very confused whether I actually want to end it.

But then again it's also selfish because even if I go back to her I can't guarantee that whatever witchcraft that fell on me won't happen again. And then it will definitely destroy her. So again you're right. I have to end it.

April 12, 2014

Hi guys,

I know I've been a pain in the ass (even for myself) but this question has been dwelling in my mind for so long already. So here it is: If after everything is over with this girl I feel like I made a huge mistake and would want her back how long do you think I will be suffering before enjoying normal life again? I know this is too vague and it varies from person to another but I just want an approximation from anyone's experience. Because in my own ****ty and uncooperative mind it says I will be suffering for many many years if not forever.

Thank you again everyone, all of you were really helpful this last week.

April 12, 2014

Most likely, the pain you're going through won't last for years. It might not even last a month. I don't think it'd be fair to give an approximation. Some move on within minutes; others, years.

The healing process depends in part on the steps you take to heal. What are doing right now to do that?

April 12, 2014

Most likely, the pain you're going through won't last for years. It might not even last a month. I don't think it'd be fair to give an approximation. Some move on within minutes; others, years.

The healing process depends in part on the steps you take to heal. What are doing right now to do that?

Since I've never been in this situation before I kind of lost my life "landmarks" and am not enjoying anything I do. Life just became pleasureless. I don't even know what's the first step to take to get to heal. It's ironic because I was the dumper and am not supposed to feel this way. But that's how it is.

April 12, 2014

What do you think is at the root of your pain? What do you think is at the root of why you chose to end the relationship?

One big step to healing is having no contact with her.

April 12, 2014

What do you think is at the root of your pain? What do you think is at the root of why you chose to end the relationship?

One big step to healing is having no contact with her.

I think the root of my pain is that I think I'm in love with her body so I keep imagining her with other guys and for some reason it's painful because my brain made me think I own her. What made me want to end the relationship is, I believe, that I discovered I'm not in love with her personality.

April 12, 2014

Be very glad that you ended things. Being in love with someone's body doesn't make a relationship. At all.

And you don't own her or anyone else. She's not something you buy at the store. She's not an object. She is a real human being with real human emotions.

It sounds like you have a whole lot of growing up to do.

April 12, 2014

Be very glad that you ended things. Being in love with someone's body doesn't make a relationship. At all.
And you don't own her or anyone else. She's not something you buy at the store. She's not an object. She is a real human being with real human emotions.

Thank you Sooshi.

Indeed I do believe nobody has the right to own any human being. And I do respect her emotions and everything related to her as a person but these thoughts just keep coming and coming with no inhibition whatsoever. Some other guys would date someone else straight away to forget their ex but I just can't do that, not only for respect to her because everything's so fresh still but for respect to the other girl I would date because she's also a person and it's not fair to use her to forget anyone.

And indeed lot of growing up to do I believe too.

April 12, 2014

You're right that it's not fair to use anyone to forget anyone else.

Take your time. Work out what you need to have worked out. Don't just do it for her, or for your next partner, but especially for yourself. It sounds like you were infatuated with her (which, as I've said before, isn't love). So ask yourself: Are you prepared to settle for a relationship built on infatuation, or do you want a relationship built on depth, on love, on mutual respect?

April 12, 2014

You're right that it's not fair to use anyone to forget anyone else.

Take your time. Work out what you need to have worked out. Don't just do it for her, or for your next partner, but especially for yourself. It sounds like you were infatuated with her (which, as I've said before, isn't love). So ask yourself: Are you prepared to settle for a relationship built on infatuation, or do you want a relationship built on depth, on love, on mutual respect?

Indeed sooshi you said it before and I thank you for it because it was the first time I ever hear about the existence of this phenomenon so I made some research and read in many websites that infatuation is the first step of falling in love (as in it just becomes love overtime) which was confusing for me because it gave birth to some new thoughts (which I'm desperately trying to shut down) that if I go back to her my infatuation will manage to become real love...

April 12, 2014

I doubt that infatuation evolves into love most of the time, and I do not think at all that your feelings of infatuation would eventually turn into love.

It takes a lot of work and dedication to have a relationship built upon love, and I respectfully don't feel that you two were compatible enough to make this work. The "honeymoon" phase of relationship gets people on a real high, and then when the phase ends, many will become less invested in the relationship. This is a strong indication that it wasn't love to begin with, and that it was, in fact, based on something a lot less stable.

April 12, 2014

I doubt that infatuation evolves into love most of the time, and I do not think at all that your feelings of infatuation would eventually turn into love.

It takes a lot of work and dedication to have a relationship built upon love, and I respectfully don't feel that you two were compatible enough to make this work. The "honeymoon" phase of relationship gets people on a real high, and then when the phase ends, many will become less invested in the relationship. This is a strong indication that it wasn't love to begin with, and that it was, in fact, based on something a lot less stable.

I salute your choice of words especially the "less stable" part because going through my mind retrospectively I remember how I was afraid she'll break up with me in every small fight we've had (before the period of time where I "lost" my feelings). Do you think this confirms your "diagnosis"?

Thank you very much sooshi for the support.

April 12, 2014

I thought at one point I was losing feelings for my fiancé. But when she came very close to leaving me I realized just how much I love her and what I'd be losing.

April 12, 2014

I thought at one point I was losing feelings for my fiancé. But when she came very close to leaving me I realized just how much I love her and what I'd be losing.

I'm sorry to hear that Sgt. Pepper but are you guys back together for good now?

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