writergal Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) 2. He just sent me a very lengthy email saying that he couldn't meet up this weekend, how his weekend is completely booked, and wrote "I literally have no idea when I'll be free again to get together with you! As soon as I'm free, you'll be the first to know!" I don't know how to respond. Thoughts? Literally no idea when he'll be free again? Ouch! That is his way of telling you he's no longer interested in dating you unfortunately. I haven't read through the entire thread, (maybe I should have), but as SOON as a guy hints at being too busy to see you, you need to take that as a signal that he's not interested anymore and doesn't know quite how to end things, so he hopes that you'll just lose interest and give up, thus doing his breakup with you for him. Please don't waste your time chasing after this guy. Edited April 7, 2014 by writergal 3
Author tigerdog Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Okay, let me try to address all these points. 1. I'm pretty sure he's not married or in a relationship. When I first arrived in the country, he wanted to see me asap, pretty much right after work. This was totally unplanned but I was jetlagged and declined. During out first date, we hung out for about 5 hours. He had to cut it short to go to a meeting for class. He actually invited me along to come with him if I wanted to see more of the city. I declined because it was the first time we met, my second day in the country and it just seemed too much. Also, he wanted to get together the very next day, but canceled due to other activities. After the 2nd date we became Facebook friends. I noticed people tagged him on all these events during that time, so he did actually go to these events. He's also listed as single on Facebook. 2. He actually might be dating other people. This has crossed my mind several times since we started chatting. I mainly get this vibe because I ask him what he's doing during the weekend. Sometimes he's quite specific. Other times, he's not. For instance, this past weekend, he said he was completely booked but did not mention what he was doing at all whereas I have mentioned what I did quite specifically. 3. He was quite serious about meeting me. He contacted me a couple of weeks before I THOUGHT I was arriving. It was clear he was disappointed when I said my visa was taking longer to process. Neither of us expected to be messaging for 2 months, which is another reason I don't blame him, if he went on to pursue other women during that time. 4. You are probably right about him not being totally into me. After the first date, he wanted to see me straight away and told me all the days he was available. During the second date, HE was the one who asked me when we should get together again at the very end. Yet, something must have changed, since now he has no idea when he'll be free. Yet, I am kind of in disagreement about him trying to show he's not interested. His last message... he was the one to suggest that we share dessert together and suggested a place. I know when "nicely blowing off" guys, I certainly don't suggest getting together. And each time I have responded curtly and given him an "out" he immediately says "of course I want to see you" and starts asking me more questions. Clearly there is some interest there. A friend suggested that meeting someone you've been spending loads of time chatting with online and on skype can be overwhelming. She suggested that maybe he needs time to process how he actually feels (does he really actually like me or what exactly he's feeling). This guy also told me after our first date that he was very overwhelmed by everything and was still in a daze from actually meeting me.
Author tigerdog Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) I will admit that in the past I've had trouble letting guys down, especially nice ones and would say obvious yet no so obvious things like this guy is doing; blaming me not being able to see him on being busy, but being vague about future plans and partially leaving the door open in case things have a chance. I think your feelings are right, that he may think you're nice but isn't totally into you romantically, because when a man is, believe me, he will find reasons and ways to see you...when he can take you or leave you, he will find excuses. As plain as that. You can't make him be interested in more. All you can do is accept it and move forward...as trying to force interest or stick around hoping he starts prioritizing you will be a disservice to yourself. He may be cool but he's not your last chance and if he isn't super into you, then you deserve someone who is. Honestly starting this thread has actually made me a bit MORE stressed about the situation, which is a good thing. I tend to give guys the benefit of the doubt but I don't really know him at all and he hasn't come right out and told me how he feels. I also feel like you said that he's leaving the door open. There's definitely a connection there. After each date he tells me how amazing I am, but either he's taking it slow, isn't sure if he likes me or is dating multiple chicks and is trying to juggle me along. Outside of taking it slow, none of these options work for me. I don't want to be someone's backup plan. I just moved here and this situation with this guy is just making me more stressed out. I also may be coming off as too available. Outside of 2 events this past week, I was completely free. Whereas he has a social life. So basically he makes the rules on when to see me, since I don't really have anything else going on. And I've always been responsive to his messages. I hate games and trying to act more hard to get, but I am going to try and back off and try to be less responsive to these messages since it's only keeping the attachment there. If he can't make time for lunch or dinner after work, then I'm certainly not a priority. Plus I'm hoping he'd have the decency to know that my move to a new continent is very difficult for me, and spending time with him is helpful and writing me these messages isn't really helping me in the long-term if he's not interested. I'm already dealing with the general loneliness of moving to a new country, being homesick for family, and forcing myself to be social and inviting coworkers out... starting off this new chapter in my life with some guy who wont set a date to see me and continues to write me long emails like he's totally into me is probably making this transition harder. Edited April 7, 2014 by tigerdog
tbf Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Did you notice how he upped his game when you appeared cooler to him? If he dawdles over getting dessert, pull an icicle. 1
Author tigerdog Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Aww you guys have been so amazing with advice, that I'll give you one more update. He wrote me a much lengthier email today, thoroughly apologizing for his behavior and saying how he understands how I must be confused. I think he got the hint from my curt replies, that I was not happy. He explained that normally he's not like this and his schedule has been packed. He said he's going to finish a project for work so that will free up Thursday or Friday night depending on when I'm free, and he invited me to a performance where his friends will be at on Saturday. He also offered to help me move into my new place this next week. He also explained that last weekend he had organized a party with friends and wasn't sure if I would feel weird or awkward which is why he didn't invite me (he feels the event is more casual and an easier way to get to know his friends). So I'll keep seeing what happens, but at least this clears things up and at least he picked several solid dates. I'll work on being less available though and lower my expectations. It's great he's seeming more enthusiastic but this whole confusion thing really was not pleasant.
writergal Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Aww you guys have been so amazing with advice, that I'll give you one more update. He wrote me a much lengthier email today, thoroughly apologizing for his behavior and saying how he understands how I must be confused. I think he got the hint from my curt replies, that I was not happy. He explained that normally he's not like this and his schedule has been packed. He said he's going to finish a project for work so that will free up Thursday or Friday night depending on when I'm free, and he invited me to a performance where his friends will be at on Saturday. He also offered to help me move into my new place this next week. He also explained that last weekend he had organized a party with friends and wasn't sure if I would feel weird or awkward which is why he didn't invite me (he feels the event is more casual and an easier way to get to know his friends). So I'll keep seeing what happens, but at least this clears things up and at least he picked several solid dates. I'll work on being less available though and lower my expectations. It's great he's seeming more enthusiastic but this whole confusion thing really was not pleasant. The thing is, guys don't treat their girlfriends like this. Guys treat their acquaintances like this. He blew you off for other things. If you had been a priority in his life, he never would have blown you off with excuse after excuse. You are just an option to him at this point. Do you really want to be some guy's "option" who strings you along with novel-length emails full of excuses for why he can't see you? I think you should definitely lower your expectations with this guy, forget about him as potential boyfriend material and focus on dating other men instead. I'd downgrade this guy to an acquaintance or friend but nothing more. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 But the op IS HIS FRIEND and acquaintance that is what comes before a relationship develops no? especially if this dude was honest and open and said he takes things really slow. I just don't get why hes kinda being vilified here a bit everything from dudes married to hes not interested as op said he clearly is interested. And hes explained what happened now and apologized and far as the "playing cold" thing that's playing games imo and whats the point in that? I dunno I must be really laid back when it comes to this kinda thing I guess.. 1
Author tigerdog Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 But the op IS HIS FRIEND and acquaintance that is what comes before a relationship develops no? especially if this dude was honest and open and said he takes things really slow. I just don't get why hes kinda being vilified here a bit everything from dudes married to hes not interested as op said he clearly is interested. And hes explained what happened now and apologized and far as the "playing cold" thing that's playing games imo and whats the point in that? I dunno I must be really laid back when it comes to this kinda thing I guess.. Thanks TigerLilly! I agree. I'm not going cold because that's just a game and I appreciate his honesty. We've only been on 2 dates and even though we've emailed for a couple of months beforehand, I'm still an acquaintance. Definitely not his girlfriend. To be honest, if he had invited me to the party last weekend, I definitely would have declined. I am still getting used to this guy. After 3 dates, I can probably handle meeting some of his friends but certainly not after 2. Also he was honest and open. I never told him I was unhappy or mentioned I was concerned. My emails just got more curt. He took it upon himself to explain what happened without me asking and to own up and say it's not acceptable. Also, he did mention the going slow thing in the email. He said he's still warming up to me, and although he knows he will soon, he can't really control his feelings and how they develop. Which is fine. He's still figuring me out and if he likes me. Anyway this is the first time this happens. Obviously, if this becomes a pattern then that could be problematic. But he's freed up at least 2 days to see me later this week, offered to help me move in, and said after this week, he'll be able to spend far more time with me and at a more relaxed pace since he'll be officially done with some projects. So seems for the time being, it should be fine, hopefully.
TigerLilly78 Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Just go NO CONTACT. *sighs* Hey op how are things going? I haven't logged in a bit and was wondering..
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I just want to know how come he cannot see you when he lives a 20 minute walk from you. I don't get it. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 You're right OP. If he were truly into you, lunch would be a no brainer. I mean you're in the same city and 10 minutes walking if you meet 1/2 way. I had this happen. People who really like you make extraordinary amounts of effort & don't give excuses in fact they may even bail on their friends to spend time with you. Believe me, there are guys who would drop everything to spend time with you, I'm experienceing it right now & I'm appreciating the difference. Cut losses. 3 strikes, you're out, game over. Move on.
tbf Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Something still doesn't smell right. Be wary. There's something shady about this guy. Inconsistent and using push/pull.
TigerLilly78 Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Thanks TigerLilly! I agree. I'm not going cold because that's just a game and I appreciate his honesty. We've only been on 2 dates and even though we've emailed for a couple of months beforehand, I'm still an acquaintance. Definitely not his girlfriend. To be honest, if he had invited me to the party last weekend, I definitely would have declined. I am still getting used to this guy. After 3 dates, I can probably handle meeting some of his friends but certainly not after 2. Also he was honest and open. I never told him I was unhappy or mentioned I was concerned. My emails just got more curt. He took it upon himself to explain what happened without me asking and to own up and say it's not acceptable. Also, he did mention the going slow thing in the email. He said he's still warming up to me, and although he knows he will soon, he can't really control his feelings and how they develop. Which is fine. He's still figuring me out and if he likes me. Anyway this is the first time this happens. Obviously, if this becomes a pattern then that could be problematic. But he's freed up at least 2 days to see me later this week, offered to help me move in, and said after this week, he'll be able to spend far more time with me and at a more relaxed pace since he'll be officially done with some projects. So seems for the time being, it should be fine, hopefully. He's freed up time to set a meet up with her he's obviously very busy with work/school or his own preexisting social life some people do have those not me gladly but some still do..lol I think the guys trying everyone forgets he made it crystal clear his intentions of taking things slow and that's what he's doing! Of course at some point things will need to "get going" more but I really don't see any "red flags" here other then a guy who's taking things slow and letting things develop from on line friends to rl friends to hopefully more for the op. Seeing a lot of women's expectations here I have to say I kind of feel sorry for some guys who have no chance of living up them. Its basically ride in and make me your #1 priority above all else before we even really establish a romantic relationship or something wrong. Shrugs maybe this is why so many nice maybe shyer guys are single for so long women have been brain washed to expect prince charming right off the bat. Just saying..
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