How to respond when a guy seems lukewarm about you?

[tigerdog]

Okay, so after 2 months of video chatting and emailing (we were separated by continents and now I've moved to the same city he lives in) I finally met this guy that I met from OKC. The meeting went wonderful. It felt like we were old friends and the connection was intense. After the date ended, he immediately asked to see me the next day. Anyway, he canceled that which was fine since he just said it kind of randomly. After that, he went out with me again 3 days after the first date. That also went wonderfully. He mentioned how he was sick prior to the date but still hung out with me for 4 hours. After each date (2 total) we both exchanged texts saying how amazing it was, and after every date he was the one to ask when we would get together again.

 

Okay seems good so far... but several problems that leave me quite doubtful. 1. He takes 1-2 full days to respond to texts or emails. He did this when we were just chatting BUT I figured it was due to the distance and thought it wouldn't carry over when we actually met.

 

2. He just sent me a very lengthy email saying that he couldn't meet up this weekend, how his weekend is completely booked, and wrote "I literally have no idea when I'll be free again to get together with you! As soon as I'm free, you'll be the first to know!" After talking to him for a couple of months, and he works 20 minutes walking distance from me, I was quite surprised to that he had no idea when he was free since it'd be easy to get together for lunch or dinner during the week.

 

3. During our last date we talked about seeing a play together. During this lengthy email, he wrote 2 paragraphs about the play, even sent me a youtube video about it, and then ended it saying how he'll get back to me soon about a date, and how it will be complicated since he'll need to pick a day when he knows he's completely free... (we can't even see the play till May anyway)

 

 

The thing is, we definitely have a great connection and my worry is that he knows I'm a nice girl, but isn't totally feeling it romantically... and therefore doesn't know how to let me down. I just can't figure out why he's still sending me super long emails still, saying all these nice things about me (i.e., you're so great to be around, I didn't even feel sick when I was with you) but takes so long to respond and can't figure out when he can see me again.

 

I don't know how to respond. Thoughts?

[gaius]

Guys can feel very guilty when they're trying to get rid of a woman and will often asuage that by being super nice. Ignore him. If he does like you he'll work to get your affection back, if not he'll use it as an excuse to stop communication.

[mammasita]

You're right OP. If he were truly into you, lunch would be a no brainer. I mean you're in the same city and 10 minutes walking if you meet 1/2 way.

[Leigh 87]

Well you guys all know what "I" would do to a guy who is "luke warm" about me:lmao:

 

 

 

 

 

You settle with a guy who may be lukewarm but potentially a good catch and a really decent guy, or you risk finding the right man who you also have MUTUAL chemistry with:o

 

 

 

 

 

It doesn't always take ages to find a guy who is more than lukewarm about you, but it is hard to find a guy who you return the feelings for and who is also a decent enough guy....

[Leigh 87]

To put it really politely....

 

 

My own bf has a short term memory problem, and he lives four hours away.

 

 

He still "remembers" to see me most weeks every week for 3 - 4 days.

[Gaeta]

I echo what the others have said. The long emails are out of guilt. He doesn't know how to tell you he's not interested. He's hoping you'll fade away so he doesn't have to put on his pants, be a man, and tell you straight he doesn't feel a spark.

 

How to respond to these emails? I would simply say: No problem at all don't stress over it.

 

Then I would date around, keep busy, go on with my life. If he doesn't get back to me then no big deal, if he does get back to me then I'll judge if I still want to go out with him.

[tigerdog]

Thanks everyone. I did respond briefly but am still confused. So me and him write each other a lot, so we have an email messaging session and a Facebook message session. The FB one I was very brief and there was no room for him to respond. After my brief emailing session, he responded to my Facebook session with another lengthier response and included some links pertaining to things I told him on our dates with the intention of making me laugh. Then made some comment about how something I said was just adorable and how he can't wait to hear about my opinions on something. Again, this was from a brief 3 sentence message I wrote him, trying to cut off our Facebook conversation.

 

Also from re-reading his other long email (approx 1000 words), even though he could not settle on a time to meet, he did frequently say "talk to you soon" and asked me loads of questions, because after replying to the email, I realized it was difficult to make it brief since he asked loads of very thoughtful questions. His phone was also broken (yes it was, he showed me during the last date) so he couldn't text me (hence the emails), so he mentioned how he's getting it repaired in the next couple of days so that he can go back to texting me (I'm just not sure why he'd say that if he's blowing me off). Also, even though he couldn't figure out a time for the next date, he did tell me to start planning the next one and to look for places I'd like to eat at and see, and how he'll do the same.

 

I also do remember from his OKC profile he did mention that he goes very slow with dating, and will not kiss a girl for awhile and takes a good amount of time to get intimate. That's not an issue for me since I'm very similar, however, I am not sure what we are doing (being friends or if he has feelings for me). Given this new information, do you think I should continue being brief in my responses and let him show me his intentions and/or just address it directly and ask him what's up?

 

I enjoy the thoughtful emails and messages but it only makes me feel more attached. And if he's just taking it slow but does genuinely like me, then that's great. But if this is him playing the nice guy and blowing me off by making me the friend who he can share his innermost thoughts with, uhhh that sounds like a formula for just more pain. Thoughts?

Edited April 6, 2014 by tigerdog

[ja123]

Just say, "I realize your OKC profile said you like to take things slow, but tell me truthfully: are you just yanking my chain with these long emails, or do you actually feel attracted to me and think there's a possibility for romance? I'm not trying to put any pressure on you either way, but I'd just like to know where I stand. The fact that you spend time writing me long emails, but do not have the time to see me in person is very confusing. So, I'd like some clarification."

[ja123]

Also, OP, did you move to his city because you found him on OKC?

 

 

Or did you already know that you were moving there, so you checked out OKC ahead of time?

 

 

You said you were living a continent away, does that mean you've changed country and culture? Do you have a job or are studying?

 

 

I ask because I'm curious to find out if you are in the same life stage as this guy. How old are you both, and is he a student / working?

[Leigh 87]

Stop the nonsense. Hear the bell? It's over.

 

After our first meet my guy drove 3 hours to to have a coffee with me during my 45 minute break on the ward. Then he drove back to his hotel.

 

No time! Baloney. A man will climb a mountain if he is taken with you. You are just not special to him...you might be 'ok'. You will always be in some state of anxiety with this guy. Cut it off now ....or keep contact, suffer more, think there is hope...wait for his emails...meet...suffer more. All until he hooks up with a woman he will climb a mountain for.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes yes yes!

 

 

My boyfriend invited me to his 30th to meet all his friends and family a mere 3 days after our first date.

 

He travelled four hours on transport to see me for the second date and thereafter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And absolutely a guy WILL continue to use girls like you for fun until they meet a woman that they will move mountains for.

[FitChick]

You made it too easy for him. You are the one who moved to be with him. His life hasn't changed at all. I think he is seeing someone else. Either that or you were fun to correspond with but now he can't handle having a real relationship with a real woman.

 

This is why in a long distance situation, I always have the man visit me first. If he is willing to spend the time and the money and go through the inconvenience to see me, he is serious about me.

 

Look for other men to date while you are dating him. Don't sit around waiting for the phone to ring or another email in your inbox. Take your time responding and keep your answers short. Make sure you tell him all the interesting things you are doing without him.

[TigerLilly78]

No offense guys but I think a few of the responses are well meant but over the top and maybe even a bit harsh. Op it sounds like hes interested but as he said he takes things slow? But you knew that going into things so be prepared now to well "take things slow".. imho if hes taking the time to send you long emails then hes obviously interested on some level. Maybe he really dose like you but is afraid to be hurt? maybe hes not good with communicating how he feels? maybe he just wants to make a slow transition from friends into more?

 

There are alot of maybes here but if it really bothers you then be open and honest with him and tell him exactly what you asked us here and see his response. Sure some men will swoon over a women but some wont dosent mean they don't care in their own way!

 

Not every guy will be a prince charming riding in on a white horse but that doesn't mean they cant end up being just as good in the long run. You just need to communicate with him more directly if that's what you need in this relationship best of luck with things

[bene]

Let this one go, at least in your mind. You don't have to tell him off and if he pops up and suggests to meet then you can decide if you still want to see him but consider him not that interested.

 

When setting up a date becomes a chore then things are not right. Having no time means that he is busy with things that have higher priority. In general all people have equal amount of time in their hands, it comes down to how they use it.

I'm not saying that a guy would have to quit his job to date but even if he's busy, you can meet for a quick lunch, go together to some event where he would go anyway etc. It does not always take a full day off to meet someone. Even the busiest people on this planet like presidents, doctors or lawyers have relationships.

[tigerdog]

Whoa there! I did NOT move to this country to be with this guy. My job relocated here. Per the advice of many friends AND people on this forum, I put my profile up on OKC to try and meet guys before arriving. This guy contacted me 2 months before arriving and we have skyped and been emailing since then. Our first meeting was about a week ago.

[tigerdog]

Also, OP, did you move to his city because you found him on OKC?

 

 

Or did you already know that you were moving there, so you checked out OKC ahead of time?

 

 

You said you were living a continent away, does that mean you've changed country and culture? Do you have a job or are studying?

 

 

I ask because I'm curious to find out if you are in the same life stage as this guy. How old are you both, and is he a student / working?

 

Thank you for your kind response. Yes, knew I was moving there and checked his OKC ahead of time.

 

Yes, I've changed countries and cultures. I'm currently working full-time with the same company (they have global locations).

 

We are both in our mid-20s. He's also working full-time and does go to class at nights. We are both in similar life changes, but he certainly has a more active social life and does the classes. And obviously, since I just moved here, I don't have much of a social life although I have been making friends already and going out with people.

[tigerdog]

No offense guys but I think a few of the responses are well meant but over the top and maybe even a bit harsh. Op it sounds like hes interested but as he said he takes things slow? But you knew that going into things so be prepared now to well "take things slow".. imho if hes taking the time to send you long emails then hes obviously interested on some level. Maybe he really dose like you but is afraid to be hurt? maybe hes not good with communicating how he feels? maybe he just wants to make a slow transition from friends into more?

 

There are alot of maybes here but if it really bothers you then be open and honest with him and tell him exactly what you asked us here and see his response. Sure some men will swoon over a women but some wont dosent mean they don't care in their own way!

 

Not every guy will be a prince charming riding in on a white horse but that doesn't mean they cant end up being just as good in the long run. You just need to communicate with him more directly if that's what you need in this relationship best of luck with things

 

Thanks for your response. I am starting to have a feeling he just likes a slow transition from friendship into more. For a guy in his mid-20s, this is certainly not what I'm used to but he does seem nerdy (I love nerdy guys btw so that was not a neg comment) and inexperienced. For instance after our first date, he texted me saying how nobody has ever complimented him that much and all these other things that I didn't think were atypical. I knew he took things slow, but slow for most guys I've dated is not usually this slow.

 

Also, since my last post he did write me another LONG Facebook message saying how we should make a dessert together and then mentioned how he wants to try out some dessert at this place next to my job and would like to check it out (implying that he wants to get together with me, especially since it's right next to my job). I replied distinctly saying how we should do that sometime before or after work this week, so we'll see what happens. At first he was taking 1-2 days to respond to each message, but ever since my curt message, he's been replying much more quickly.

 

You are right. I'll try to communicate more. If he can't organize a date this week, then I'll take that as a giveaway that he's not interested. If he does, and that will be our 3rd date, I'm just going to tell him that I really like him and ask him how he feels, since I don't want to keep writing these lengthy messages if all this is platonic.

[bene]

Thank you for your kind response. Yes, knew I was moving there and checked his OKC ahead of time.

And obviously, since I just moved here, I don't have much of a social life although I have been making friends already and going out with people.

I think you could just treat him as one acquaintance in your new location and continue making friends and building a social life.

You don't have to stop talking to him in a huff but just don't consider him 'the one'.

[TigerLilly78]

Thanks for your response. I am starting to have a feeling he just likes a slow transition from friendship into more. For a guy in his mid-20s, this is certainly not what I'm used to but he does seem nerdy (I love nerdy guys btw so that was not a neg comment) and inexperienced. For instance after our first date, he texted me saying how nobody has ever complimented him that much and all these other things that I didn't think were atypical. I knew he took things slow, but slow for most guys I've dated is not usually this slow.

 

Also, since my last post he did write me another LONG Facebook message saying how we should make a dessert together and then mentioned how he wants to try out some dessert at this place next to my job and would like to check it out (implying that he wants to get together with me, especially since it's right next to my job). I replied distinctly saying how we should do that sometime before or after work this week, so we'll see what happens. At first he was taking 1-2 days to respond to each message, but ever since my curt message, he's been replying much more quickly.

 

You are right. I'll try to communicate more. If he can't organize a date this week, then I'll take that as a giveaway that he's not interested. If he does, and that will be our 3rd date, I'm just going to tell him that I really like him and ask him how he feels, since I don't want to keep writing these lengthy messages if all this is platonic.

 

Your welcome and for some insight into the "nerdy" thing ive dated a fair range of guys in my time. My most recent interest is a hard core "geek guy" but like you its not a prob cause I don't mind. But I will say just from the experience they do tend to be on the shyer side when it comes to romantic relationships and it dose seam to take more time. So yea that could be a factor ide look at this way you like him as a friend right? then go with that and be his friend until things progress. But yeah if you really want more quicker let him know and go from there..

[Lyn77]

I would suspect he is either already involved in a relationship or dating around and stringing you on with these lengthy emails, to keep you as an option. I've used dating websites and have heard from guy friends, they use them to see what girls are available for a date or sex when they need it. They have all types of options and easier than randomly meeting women. This way they have women at their fingertips. Meeting a new guy should be a fun, exhilarating experience and if the chemisty is there, the two of you should be excited and ready to meet up again soon, not several days later. Especially just moving to his city, he should be nice and show you around, help you get settled.

Good luck in your new city & I hope you meet a great guy who treats you well. You are really patient and kind to this guy, I don't think I could do it.

[tigerdog]

Your welcome and for some insight into the "nerdy" thing ive dated a fair range of guys in my time. My most recent interest is a hard core "geek guy" but like you its not a prob cause I don't mind. But I will say just from the experience they do tend to be on the shyer side when it comes to romantic relationships and it dose seam to take more time. So yea that could be a factor ide look at this way you like him as a friend right? then go with that and be his friend until things progress. But yeah if you really want more quicker let him know and go from there..

 

Just saw this right before work. You are probably right. I'm going to remember this. I haven't dated nerds in awhile, like a few years even though I'm a nerd myself. but what you are saying makes sense. He did say I was very pretty during our last date but totally whispered it since I think he was shy. And he seems more comfortable giving me compliments via text since he'll say I have a gorgeous smile in an email, but every time he compliments me in person, it's like a small whisper that I can barely hear. You are totally right. I'm in no rush and don't need to compare him to standards I'm used to. He's also inexperienced so he may be relatively new at this dating thing himself. If it's meant to be, we'll just take it slow and see how it progresses naturally. I'll just keep doing my thing and seeing how things play out with him.

[tigerdog]

I would suspect he is either already involved in a relationship or dating around and stringing you on with these lengthy emails, to keep you as an option. I've used dating websites and have heard from guy friends, they use them to see what girls are available for a date or sex when they need it. They have all types of options and easier than randomly meeting women. This way they have women at their fingertips. Meeting a new guy should be a fun, exhilarating experience and if the chemisty is there, the two of you should be excited and ready to meet up again soon, not several days later. Especially just moving to his city, he should be nice and show you around, help you get settled.

Good luck in your new city & I hope you meet a great guy who treats you well. You are really patient and kind to this guy, I don't think I could do it.

 

He has shown me around quite a bit. Our dates tend to be hours long and he takes me to places that he thinks I'll like. We've mainly just walked around the city. But you are right about how it should be a fun and exhilarating experience. I'm just going to back off and see what happens. And hopefully he's not seeing someone else, but I guess anything is possible.

[Gaeta]

With the new information about his long emails and what he is saying in them, my mind is now going toward he's married. I think when he started chatting with you before you got relocated he thought you 2 would never meet. It's not new that a married man maintains a romantic online relationship.

 

Can you explain to me how a man living at a 20 minute walk from you cannot get to see you on regular basis?

[TigerLilly78]

From the sounds of it hes just nervous the op said they "go on dates that last hours long and walk all around the city together" hardly what a "married man" would be doing. When your hooking up with a married guy he takes you away from the area doesn't parade you out in the open like that. I could be wrong but I just don't get that vibe here..

[MissBee]

Okay, so after 2 months of video chatting and emailing (we were separated by continents and now I've moved to the same city he lives in) I finally met this guy that I met from OKC. The meeting went wonderful. It felt like we were old friends and the connection was intense. After the date ended, he immediately asked to see me the next day. Anyway, he canceled that which was fine since he just said it kind of randomly. After that, he went out with me again 3 days after the first date. That also went wonderfully. He mentioned how he was sick prior to the date but still hung out with me for 4 hours. After each date (2 total) we both exchanged texts saying how amazing it was, and after every date he was the one to ask when we would get together again.

 

Okay seems good so far... but several problems that leave me quite doubtful. 1. He takes 1-2 full days to respond to texts or emails. He did this when we were just chatting BUT I figured it was due to the distance and thought it wouldn't carry over when we actually met.

 

2. He just sent me a very lengthy email saying that he couldn't meet up this weekend, how his weekend is completely booked, and wrote "I literally have no idea when I'll be free again to get together with you! As soon as I'm free, you'll be the first to know!" After talking to him for a couple of months, and he works 20 minutes walking distance from me, I was quite surprised to that he had no idea when he was free since it'd be easy to get together for lunch or dinner during the week.

 

3. During our last date we talked about seeing a play together. During this lengthy email, he wrote 2 paragraphs about the play, even sent me a youtube video about it, and then ended it saying how he'll get back to me soon about a date, and how it will be complicated since he'll need to pick a day when he knows he's completely free... (we can't even see the play till May anyway)

 

 

The thing is, we definitely have a great connection and my worry is that he knows I'm a nice girl, but isn't totally feeling it romantically... and therefore doesn't know how to let me down. I just can't figure out why he's still sending me super long emails still, saying all these nice things about me (i.e., you're so great to be around, I didn't even feel sick when I was with you) but takes so long to respond and can't figure out when he can see me again.

 

I don't know how to respond. Thoughts?

 

I will admit that in the past I've had trouble letting guys down, especially nice ones and would say obvious yet no so obvious things like this guy is doing; blaming me not being able to see him on being busy, but being vague about future plans and partially leaving the door open in case things have a chance. I think your feelings are right, that he may think you're nice but isn't totally into you romantically, because when a man is, believe me, he will find reasons and ways to see you...when he can take you or leave you, he will find excuses. As plain as that.

 

You can't make him be interested in more. All you can do is accept it and move forward...as trying to force interest or stick around hoping he starts prioritizing you will be a disservice to yourself. He may be cool but he's not your last chance and if he isn't super into you, then you deserve someone who is.

[StanMusial]

He's probably dating other girls and doesn't have time.