As men, do some of us now have to settle for less?

[KungFuJoe]

I feel that it's either that or be a loner for more years. It took me till the age of 24 (now I'm 27) to lose my virginity to a gf. Off course my ideal woman would have been an Adriana Lima but if I had been focusing on that, I would probably have still been a virgin by now. I don't think we have too many options and just have to get what's available.

 

I'm starting to think that it's easier for a woman to find herself a decent man that's relationship minded and with no baggage (or very little) than for us to find that in a woman. I've only been in 3 relationships so far; the first ending because it ran out of course, the 2nd I get cheated on and the 3rd she breaks up suddenly, then I learned she's already with someone else within a short time.

 

Now I've been single for many months and it's not easy finding a quality woman that would be worth proposing to and having kids with. I get the feeling most of the good ones are either already taken (either dated their HS sweetheart and married him later on or were simply snatched on time) or too young for me to date them. I think I'm going to just have to settle for any woman with baggages, compromise and simply only see the present. I don't want to be single for too long and do want kids. ONS wouldn't help in anything. I would still be single and lonely. I admit I'm kind of desperate at this point.

 

I think in my desperate self, I would even eat a rotten sandwich. I'm close to giving up on the searching and simply get what I can get.

 

The problem isn't that there aren't quality women...it's that women don't want a man who will settle for eating a rotten sandwich.

[joystickd]

Yeah, that's why there are female dominatrices. Because all women want to be dominated in some way.

Notice I said at the end mixture of both. Its all over the spectrum. Hell I like to be dominated sometimes. I get an erection sometimes when a woman beats in something. Women these days:rolleyes:

[dragon_fly_7]

I do agree that his looks target is unrealistic but I don't agree that looks has no weight in attraction. In fact, I daresay looks has more value than personality at the start of the relationship.

True. My ex bf still sees me the same as when he met me at the age of 19 (I'm now 27) while he was 21 at the time. Both of us off course look slightly older now but he doesn't notice I'm getting older. I think it's when you've been with someone for a long while back then, break up but still keep them as friends and care for them, it's the same person you met.

 

When you're meeting someone for the first time but it's only 1-3 months into the relationship, yes physical attraction counts first. Once you've already had sex with them, then it's personality and the other qualities even if years passed by.

 

Makes me wonder about the married couples who have been together for let's say 50 years and neither of them cheated. Obviously neither the woman nor man is as physically attracted as when they were in their early 20's-30's but it's the same person you fell in love with, along with the other qualities later on.

[Chubbi]

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, will people please stop using that book as some sort of blue print for what women want? Ya wanna know why that book was popular? 2 reasons.

 

Girl, you team too much right now. Are you the author of the book? Calm down and take a sip of water because you are projecting a lot. When did I say that is what women want? All I said is comparing men's unrealistic expectations to women's unrealistic expectations, women come out with higher standards. If you don't agree, then that's fine, but you getting a little too hyped up for all this.

 

But's lets look.

 

1) It gave women a way to read sex/porn scenes without anyone else being able to tell. Imagine how popular porn would be if you no longer could get it online, and could only buy it in stores, where the covers quite clearly displayed that it was PORN. That's romance novels for women. It's very difficult to find non-niche romance online, and buying romance novels involves a lot of embarrassment for the woman. And you can never read it in public!

 

50 Shades is a sex book that doesn't directly advertise as a sex book. A lot of its sales were from online e-Book purchases, where women could discreetly read it without anyone being the wiser.

 

It sold because women want to read sex scenes without being publicly shamed for it.

 

LOL. Is that what it is? Girl you crazy. This part doesn't even make sense. Are you telling me women live in some alternate universe where they are ashamed about reading a sex book? Are you living around puritans? Women are having one night stands, are women afraid of reading sex books now? Well since the cats out of the bag for awhile, why are sales still strong for the book if women are so embarrassed about their sexuality? Do women have to hide their porn history on their laptops? No, hun. You're reaching.

 

2) The main male character of Christian is actually a direct rip off of the main male character in Twilight. 50 Shades started out as a Twilight fanfic. So trying to hold up the two of them up as examples is just sort of silly since they are clones of each other.

 

It's not silly. You're making a conclusary statement. Give reasons.

 

If Edward and Christian are clones of each other, then that just adds to my point. The highest selling books: Twilight, Fifty Shades, and now with Divergent and sexy, hot tattooed "Four" have really sexy guys in them and the vast majority of their readership are women. Women's unrealistic expectations of men are higher than what a man's unrealistic expectations are. And are you kidding me that Christian and Edward are not mentioned as hot? I'm pretty sure in Twilight Bella faints because Edward was so sexy. She literally opens the door and faints because he's so hot. If Christian is a clone of Edward then... hmmm? How does that help your opinion?

 

But the truth is, almost none of the traits you listed matter. Ya wanna know the one trait that, in my opinion, resonated with women to the point where you could toss all the rest out the window?

 

That the main male character needed saving.

 

There's a strong current in a lot of media aimed at women based on the idea that a woman's love can redeem or save a man. It's kind of a power fantasy for the woman... the idea that a guy loves her so much he will change his very nature to be with her. Edward resisted being a vampire and chugging Bella's delicious freescia-smelling blood because he was just that into her. Christian gets over his obsessive need for sexual dominance because Ana's vaginal has magic love healing powers.

 

Okay cool. I agree with this. But the point is, we really wouldn't be trying to change Christian so much if he wasn't such an attractive, multibillionaire, can-get-any-girl-he-wants guy. That's the point. If Christian was an average guy, no one would read the books. Women like the fantasy of changing the MOST UNATTAINABLE guy ever.

 

Give women the man of their dreams and all his problems: make him cocky, make him the bad boy, make him have high standards, make him irressitable, then make him fall in love and change. That's the winning lottery ticket. If Christian was average joe, nobody would care. Christian and Edward are not average Joes. Oops wait you actually agree with me:

 

I constantly see men complain about how women want bad boys. Guys, you do not get it. Women (speaking very generally) don't want bad boys. They want guys who change for them through the power of love. They want a bad boy who stops being bad because he falls for her. They want a player who becomes monogamous because he's so into her. They want a shy nerdy guy who becomes the Confident Man about Town because she's just so amazing he has to impress her.

 

It's a fantasy-a fantasy based around the idea that a woman's power comes from a guy's willingness to subject his own desires to hers.

 

Is it more unrealistic than the typical man's fantasy about desiring a Victoria Secret model who is also somehow a chef/nun? I'm gonna go with.... nope. And the reason why is because a woman's fantasies are all about the behavior of the guy. He doesn't need to change his looks, his hobbies, his job, nothing, not really.... he just needs to subjugate himself in some way. Become romantic where he wasn't before. Become tender where before he was gruff. Behave in some way that shows he's placing a particular desire of hers over a particular individualistic trait of his.

 

Compare that to the man's fantasy. There is no way, no physical way, I am ever going to be a Victoria Secret model. I will never be able to fit a man's fantasy. I can also never go back in time and correct a single sexual encounter. It doesn't matter if 28 years out of my life, I was a upstanding moral citizen... I sleep with a guy once, I am no longer a virgin, and ruined. One time is enough to brand me un-dateable/not-fantasy-fodder for some guys.

 

You could be a woman's fantasy, if you so choose to. There's no way in hell I could ever be a man's. That right there says which fantasy is unrealistic... which one could an average, normal person achieve.

 

I mean, I can easily say if you starve yourself, put on some makeup, put on a weave and get a boob job, you can become men's fantasy. A man however will not only need to fix his physical attributes, he will need to have some change in his pocket, social status, fame, learn how to dress, learn how to talk to women and learn how to be a good lover. As a woman, as long as I'm pretty, all I would have to do is lay there; I don't have to be smart, I don't have to be good in bed, I don't have to have a personality. I just need to be hot. Perhaps that pisses you off for some reason?? Why do women shout people down when we point out that women have higher standards?

[Targetlock]

in love, never settle!! it would be unfair to yourself and your partner, though be willing to be open partners other than your ideal match.

[Revolver]

As long as a dude is getting laid on a consistent basis and there is peace on the homefront(not much drama/fighting/arguing) you'd be surprised at how many guys would "settle" and stay in a relationship with a woman they're not completely crazy about. Basically thinking "eh.. Why not".

 

This is kinda scary to women because it presents the idea of

 

"Is he with me because he loves me and couldn't live without me?"

 

"Or is it because I bang him four times a week, don't nag, and he's just scared to break up/go back looking again?"

 

Generally speaking if you're A guy and suck at dating when you actually get a gf even if the relationship isn't great you're going to be reluctant to break up for fear of going back to the times of spending weekends alone jacking off to porn

[joystickd]

 

That the main male character needed saving.

 

There's a strong current in a lot of media aimed at women based on the idea that a woman's love can redeem or save a man. It's kind of a power fantasy for the woman... the idea that a guy loves her so much he will change his very nature to be with her. Edward resisted being a vampire and chugging Bella's delicious freescia-smelling blood because he was just that into her. Christian gets over his obsessive need for sexual dominance because Ana's vaginal has magic love healing powers.

 

I constantly see men complain about how women want bad boys. Guys, you do not get it. Women (speaking very generally) don't want bad boys. They want guys who change for them through the power of love. They want a bad boy who stops being bad because he falls for her. They want a player who becomes monogamous because he's so into her. They want a shy nerdy guy who becomes the Confident Man about Town because she's just so amazing he has to impress her.

It's a fantasy-a fantasy based around the idea that a woman's power comes from a guy's willingness to subject his own desires to hers.

 

Is it more unrealistic than the typical man's fantasy about desiring a Victoria Secret model who is also somehow a chef/nun? I'm gonna go with.... nope. And the reason why is because a woman's fantasies are all about the behavior of the guy. He doesn't need to change his looks, his hobbies, his job, nothing, not really.... he just needs to subjugate himself in some way. Become romantic where he wasn't before. Become tender where before he was gruff. Behave in some way that shows he's placing a particular desire of hers over a particular individualistic trait of his.

 

Compare that to the man's fantasy. There is no way, no physical way, I am ever going to be a Victoria Secret model. I will never be able to fit a man's fantasy. I can also never go back in time and correct a single sexual encounter. It doesn't matter if 28 years out of my life, I was a upstanding moral citizen... I sleep with a guy once, I am no longer a virgin, and ruined. One time is enough to brand me un-dateable/not-fantasy-fodder for some guys.

 

You could be a woman's fantasy, if you so choose to. There's no way in hell I could ever be a man's. That right there says which fantasy is unrealistic... which one could an average, normal person achieve.

 

I totally agree with the bold. You get it fully. This is why women shouldn't complain that some men are scared of commitment. It's not that. The thing is the woman lacks qualities he desires that would make him want to change.

 

Men want different things in women. It's sad we all feed into what the mainstream media tells us and we treat it as gospel of dating. Men are not looking for the Victoria Secret model. Let's all be honest men want sex and the thing is we have to figure out how we want it with a woman whether it's short term non monogamous, short term monogamous, or long term monogamous. If we want monogamous then we all so want all that comes along with that. Once one understands that you can see porn and the diversity of pornstars that are popular among men. The ones mainstream media depicts are ones that are closer to the archetypes of what is popular in mainstream media. Look at the ones that have been talked about in the last 20 years. If you they had been in mainstream media instead of porn they would have been popular. Look at women like Samantha 38G, Austin Taylor or Deauxma. These women would have never really been that popular in mainstream media because of their age, looks or body type.

 

If women actually talked to men and found out what type of women they liked a lot of you would be surprised the diversity. It's not the model. She is nice to look at but realistically we all can't have models so their is no reason for women to get bent out of shape about it