actiner Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Looking for some input and advice into my situation. Some background on who I am and my relationship. I am 25 about to turn 26. She is 25. We started dating back in September so going on 7 months and overall it has been great. We get along really well and have a ton of common interests. She is beautiful and wonderful and has what I want in a girl. While my ultimate goal in a relationship is marriage I am still not to that point with her. Even though I think I love her I want more time to figure out if I would actually marry her. This is where it gets complicated. She is an accountant. She moved away for 2 years after college and than was able to get her dream job close to her family. I personally am in my last year of medical school heading to residency. I did everything to try to stay in my current city (close to her and also my family and friends) but that did not happen. I ended up at a place that is 15 hours from where I am (and my family, friends and her). I am thrilled to go there because it is a top program, but I am leaving everything behind. Since I found out where I am going I have talked to her a lot, but it always gets stalled. Really our options come down to 1) trying long distance 2) her moving with me or 3) stop dating and be friends. I really don't want to do long distance. My residency will be tough and I will have to work up to 80 hours a week and don't think a long distance relationship will work. I can't image being back more than Every 2-3 months and even then I would have to fit in seeing her and my family. I also do not want to just be friends because I do think I love her and it would be hard to see her with anyone else. That leaves the option of her moving with me. We have talked and she said she would be willing to move with me. I would love for her to come with me. Heck I am moving to a place where I know no one and having her there would be awesome but... I am not ready to fully commit. As much as I want her to move with me I would make her give up her dream job, leave her family, leave her friends and move somewhere where she knows no one. I know if I did that for someone and it didn't work out I would be very very bitter. I also think that it would be a huge sacrifice without a full commitment. I am not mentally nor financially ready to get engaged. Being that I cannot give that commitment yet I think it would be selfish to make her move with me. With that in mind I am also nervous. I am heading to a completely new town. I am also leaving my friends and family. I also worry that if I give up on this relationship that I won't be able to start another. I really do think I love her but I also am not certain enough to make her leave everything behind. Any advice is appreciated.
Gaeta Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 That is a tough one. I really don't think she should move with you if you are not ready to fully commit. I also think you should let her decide what she is ready to gamble to be with you. You are not ready to live together, granted, but she could move to that city and you continue living in each your places. She could find an equally interesting job in the city where you will be. Yes she now has what she considers a dream job but people with accounting degrees are wanted everywhere. She is young with no serious financial responsibilities so now is the time to take chances in life. Who gambles nothing gains nothing. 1
Author actiner Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Gaeta thanks for the reply. I understand what you say about letting her decide, but let me add more to what I have said. My current GF met me in my 4th year of school where things are pretty easy. Since we have been dating I have mostly worked M-F and usually am done by 5 pm on weekdays. This is really not how my life was or will be other than the next 2 glorious months that are the rest of my 4th year. I guess I am really hesitant because I have had several relationships fail because I haven't been able to put in enough time into them. I have tried to explain that once I hit residency I will not have weekends off nor will I be available most nights out of the week. For most months of the year I will have to pull 7am-7pm shifts and be at the hospital for 24 hours every 4th to 5th night with one maybe weekend or more likely a weekday off. While it's easy for her to think this is ok it's another to actually do it. I've tried it in the past and it has always turned out with them saying I would rather be at work than with them. While that isn't true the fact is I can't just leave patients because I have a date. I want some more advice, but right one I plan on sitting down with her and being brutally honest. I plan on telling her how much I like her and really want to keep dating her, but that she needs to understand that, even thought I want to put her first, I will probably have to sacrifice her for time at the hospital. Also need to let her know that I am not ready to commit to marriage or even living together but will do what I can to work around my schedule. It's hard to even read that and not think that I am an ******* or how she can't take that as I don't care about her.
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