Hope Shimmers Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 It's good you've gotten back most of the money you gave him. But I doubt he will ever give you back what was most precious to you. I wish I knew him....I'd love to give him a smack in the face. I'd even be willing to be charged with abuse. No, he won't give me back what is most precious. These conversations are hard for me because for my own sanity, I have to try to let go of the anger and not see myself as a victim. It's just the only way I can move forward. Thank you Furious.
Hope Shimmers Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 ??? Why the anger and generalization at "all of you BS's"? I understand you are a former OW and may not be able to see how being lied to, deceived and possibly exposed to STD's wouldn't in your mind equate to abuse; but I believe an affair to be mentally and emotionally abusive. Not angry. Defensive, yes. I apologize for the generalization. I can very much see that being lied to and deceived is abuse. It was never a question of that. I just don't know at what point the idea of being abused and being a victim should be moved on from. Maybe never, and I'm not saying it isn't a valid topic of conversation. I just know that for me personally, I get sucked back into the depression if I don't let go of those labels. I have close friends who know ex-MM and now will no longer speak to him because of what he did to me. I alternate between being angry at that (because after all, it wasn't just him, it was me too, and I'm trying to move on so why can't they?) and feeling like I should just cry. It's not that I think his friendship now could ever make up for the past, but we don't have the past anymore and I feel like he's trying to move on and correct things. His ex-friends who now will not speak to him for my benefit see everything he does as manipulative, not as decent or corrective or as moving forward, so he can't win no matter what he does. I struggle with whether I should be pissed or whether I should move forward, because of that and when I think about that 'abuse' label.
Hope Shimmers Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I don't think anyone wants to be a victim (not sure why it is thought that BS's want to be a victim). I don't think anyone thinks of an OW/OM as a victim either, since they willingly enter into an affair with someone who is married (for the majority of instances). I haven't read a thread from someone who thought they were dating a single person, found out the person was married and promptly ended the relationship and never had contact again with the married cheater). That is about the only time I would consider the OW/OM a "victim" (and emotionally victimized) because they were lied to and deceived, and when the lies were uncovered, the OW/OM promptly ended the relationship. Few people think of the OW/OM as a victim and that is part of the difficulty of getting through the hurt. There is not much support (just "get over it", you deserve what you get, etc). In my case, ex-MM was separated and living on his own when we became involved. I knew he was married but he was divorcing. There was no huge "ah ha" moment for me when I could suddenly decide that he was not getting divorced. I was strung along with promises, and before I knew it, years had gone by and my self-confidence with it. But I understand that BS's don't feel that the OW/OM was abused. Their pain is just deserved in the eyes of many BS. So be it, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I agree here as well, it seems that some AP's attempt to consider themselves as being in the exact same shoes as the BS, when in reality they are in the same shoes as the WS. Again, this is how most BS's feel in my opinion about all of "us". I just wish it could be about people rather than the "us" versus "them" mentality that exists. But it is almost impossible to get over that hurdle that OW/OM are horrible people. 1
ThatMan Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I just wish it could be about people rather than the "us" versus "them" mentality that exists. But it is almost impossible to get over that hurdle that OW/OM are horrible people. What hurdle? What complete strangers think of OW in general shouldn't make a difference in your life. I have to wonder whether or not you're allowing unimportant opinions get the best of you. What you think of yourself should be far more important than any generalizations. You have to think you're deserving of considerations and to look after yourself. Sometimes it's best to walk away when people mistreat you because of their poor opinions. Kind of makes you wonder what's the point of staying involved with your exMM's circle of friends, huh? I hope they've been treating you the right way. 1
BHsigh Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Again, this is how most BS's feel in my opinion about all of "us". I just wish it could be about people rather than the "us" versus "them" mentality that exists. But it is almost impossible to get over that hurdle that OW/OM are horrible people. Actually, in your case I feel bad for you, I don't blame you whatsoever. He was living separated from his wife and told you that he was divorcing her. I for one am not of the opinion that you won't build feelings and will be able to leave right away. So I do take it case by case, I was referring to the AP's that know that they are becoming involved with a married person.
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