Is an affair considered abuse?

[jellybean89]

I have been reading a few threads over the last few days and something I see written confuses me.

 

Married woman has an affair. Affair is discovered and ends due to discovery (not because the 2 people chose to end it). Husband is understandably very upset. He yells, he is angry, he calls his wife a cheater, a sl*t, a wh*re and wants nothing to do with her.

 

Next thing I read is people posting how the husband is abusing the wife because he calls her names and is angry. What?

 

So do you think having an affair is abusive? Why or why not?

 

From reading posts here, it seems like some people think the betrayed spouse should not be very angry at the cheating spouse? I don't understand that. I see posts that imply its okay for the betrayed spouse to be mad, but they need to get over it (not said in those words, but that is the meaning). I don't understand that way of thinking because how does someone who has been betrayed (sometimes for years) just 'get over it' in a few days? Seems like a double standard to me when I read the OW/OM forum and the affair partner mourns for weeks/months/years when the affair ends; but a betrayed spouse is expected to just suck it up and get over it.

 

Does it matter how long the affair lasted with regards to how long the betrayed spouse is 'allowed' to be upset?

[Hope Shimmers]

I have been reading a few threads over the last few days and something I see written confuses me.

 

Married woman has an affair. Affair is discovered and ends due to discovery (not because the 2 people chose to end it). Husband is understandably very upset. He yells, he is angry, he calls his wife a cheater, a sl*t, a wh*re and wants nothing to do with her.

 

Next thing I read is people posting how the husband is abusing the wife because he calls her names and is angry. What?

 

So do you think having an affair is abusive? Why or why not?

 

From reading posts here, it seems like some people think the betrayed spouse should not be very angry at the cheating spouse? I don't understand that. I see posts that imply its okay for the betrayed spouse to be mad, but they need to get over it (not said in those words, but that is the meaning). I don't understand that way of thinking because how does someone who has been betrayed (sometimes for years) just 'get over it' in a few days? Seems like a double standard to me when I read the OW/OM forum and the affair partner mourns for weeks/months/years when the affair ends; but a betrayed spouse is expected to just suck it up and get over it.

 

Does it matter how long the affair lasted with regards to how long the betrayed spouse is 'allowed' to be upset?

 

I haven't seen it posted anywhere that the BS is just supposed to 'suck it up and get over it' within a few days. Who on earth would say that or expect it?

 

I think there are two separate questions here - is the affair itself a form of abuse (which is what the title reads) or is the BS's reaction to it considered abuse? I think calling anyone a wh*re, b*tch, etc is verbal abuse, but I'm not sure what the point of labeling it is.

 

After ex-MM told his W that he loved me (he was separated from her at the time) she called me all those names and more, while screaming at me with threats (and not blaming her husband at all). I consider that abuse, but I let it go.

[BHsigh]

I've noticed that as well, I disagree with those people though, bs's (male and female) may react far beyond how they normally would. And I think that is perfectly normal, provided that they get themselves under control in a reasonable amount of time. I mean really, there are highly regarded BS's here that have done outrageous things when dday arrived (couch burning anyone), and I don't blame them one bit. To me the affair that they were forced into dealing with is far worse than most of the reactions that I've heard about. I don't mean all of course, a cousin of mine was murdered by the BS of his AP, I think that's a bit much of course.

 

I also have to agree that an affair is a form of abuse to the BS as well, from both the WS and the AP. Provided that the AP knows that the WS is married of course, and particularly so when the AP knows or is friends with the BS

[carhill]

"Abuse is the improper usage or treatment of an entity, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit.[1] Abuse can come in many forms, such as: physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, assault, violation, rape, unjust practices; crimes, or other types of aggression."

 

If the above is an equitable definition of the word, it sounds reasonable to consider an affair abusive of one's marital partner.

 

If the man in the scenario has abused his wife verbally, he's certainly responsible for those acts. The wife is responsible for her affair. One can certainly get into a contest as to who abused who first or worst, but that's counterproductive to moving forward. Accepting responsibility for one's own acts was a fundamental part of the MC process, IME.

[Fluttershy]

Personaly in my situation I don't consider myself a victim of abuse. I think people are too handy with that phrase when refuring to affairs. I think gaslightninf and trickle truth and false reconciliation are obviously abusive. And those are often the situations you hear of where the affair starts up again or never really stops. For some the reality of their fantasy when caught snaps them out of it and the become truly remorseful and work on fixin themselves. I would not call them an abusive spouse.

 

As far as the BS goes they may have instances of abuse their spouse initialy without me saying it is abusive. But continued harmful behaviour towards the WS is abusive. So, if the behaviour is too cruel or toxic with no work to get better then I encourage a WS to stand up for themselves much the same as a BS who continues to be manipulated to stand up for themselves.

 

Just because someone puts up with an abusive relationship does not mean the abuser is off the hook in responsibility. And just because someone is a victim of infidelty does not mean that can't become the victimizer themselves. One partner could be verbally or physicaly abusive and the other unfaithful. One isn't worse than the other and they both need to own up to ther own crap. The abuser needs to take responsibility for having an anger problem and work on that and the unfaithful partner needs to take responsibility that they made the choice to cheat and work on fixing why they did so.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Personaly in my situation I don't consider myself a victim of abuse. I think people are too handy with that phrase when refuring to affairs. I think gaslightninf and trickle truth and false reconciliation are obviously abusive. And those are often the situations you hear of where the affair starts up again or never really stops. For some the reality of their fantasy when caught snaps them out of it and the become truly remorseful and work on fixin themselves. I would not call them an abusive spouse.

 

As far as the BS goes they may have instances of abuse their spouse initialy without me saying it is abusive. But continued harmful behaviour towards the WS is abusive. So, if the behaviour is too cruel or toxic with no work to get better then I encourage a WS to stand up for themselves much the same as a BS who continues to be manipulated to stand up for themselves.

 

Just because someone puts up with an abusive relationship does not mean the abuser is off the hook in responsibility. And just because someone is a victim of infidelty does not mean that can't become the victimizer themselves. One partner could be verbally or physicaly abusive and the other unfaithful. One isn't worse than the other and they both need to own up to ther own crap. The abuser needs to take responsibility for having an anger problem and work on that and the unfaithful partner needs to take responsibility that they made the choice to cheat and work on fixing why they did so.

 

 

During an affair a WS very much uses gas lighting, lying and false marriage commitment to engage/keep an affair.

 

For myself, infidelity is abusive. Most WS abuse their position of trusted partner to have and keep the affair hidden. Some abuse the financial trust and take money to fund the affair costs.

 

Not sure that I believe calling a cheater a cheater is being abusive.

 

Other colourful names, in the early days I think are to be expected, although not productive. Empathy, I think is required. Wounding someone to their core, brings that out in humans.

 

I also, have not read too often about BS having to suck it up. The rare times I have, have been from a poster/s that have been easy for me to dismiss their opinion, as it is usually so skewed one way.....I would have to turn my iPad upside down. You know.....up is down.

[salparadise]

Personaly in my situation I don't consider myself a victim of abuse.

 

For myself, infidelity is abusive. Most WS abuse their position of trusted partner to have and keep the affair hidden. Some abuse the financial trust and take money to fund the affair costs.

 

Abuse is just a word with variable meaning and nuance depending on context. The only reason anyone would try to extend the meaning unnaturally is because they desire to play the role of victim. So boring. The sad thing is that is dilutes the meaning in cases where it actually does apply. Feeling sorry for yourself does not mean you were abused. Using semantics to try and manipulate sympathy is a cheap trick. It says a lot more about the person who attempts it than the one they accuse.

[Hope Shimmers]

Some abuse the financial trust and take money to fund the affair costs.

 

I gave ex-MM money. To the tune of five figures. So he could keep his house. And wife and family. So who was abused?

 

I agree with the last post that people throw that word 'abuse' out to try to play the role of victim sometimes. Things just suck sometimes and that's just the way it is. I left my marriage of 16 years because of physical and mental abuse so I know the difference.

[Fluttershy]

To me deiciving someone just doesn't equel abuse. It is like the word bullying that had been thrown around now which takes away from true victims.

 

I think situation vary for sure but I still wonder at throwing the word abuse around if it really helps or if it is just to add my fuel to a fire that may not need it.

 

And calling a cheater a cheater isn't abuse. But screaming, swearing belitteling being violent or holding the affair over their head 24/7 for months on end is abusive in the well known meaning. And doing so is wrong. And no I am not talking about triggers or reactions to trickle truth but rather constant behavior.

 

 

There was a poster on here who said is mom cheated and he allowed her to stay home and treated her like a maid for years. Not even hidden from the children but an obvious punishment. The poster did not feel it was wrong because his mother chose to stay. Well, that just created someone else with a twisted view. The mother should have left the toxic enviroment for sure as should all people who are being abused.

 

I think someone can be abusive at times without the other person being a victim of their abuse. My husband sure didn't feel the victim of my bouts of abusive behaviour. Bur for moving forward and healin to take place I had to work on stopping the behaviour that was toxic.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I gave ex-MM money. To the tune of five figures. So he could keep his house. And wife and family. So who was abused?

 

I agree with the last post that people throw that word 'abuse' out to try to play the role of victim sometimes. Things just suck sometimes and that's just the way it is. I left my marriage of 16 years because of physical and mental abuse so I know the difference.

 

The key difference is that you GAVE. The BS gives no consent, it is taken.

 

I too am quite aware of how abusers operate. Minimizing the pain/hurt/damage that they inflict is one of their tools. Abusers have often been abused sometime in their life....and hold that up...as to what abuse is...and the abuse they dish out is not really abuse..it is just others overreacting.

 

Being in a abusive relationship does not mean that one takes on this often preconceived notion of "being a victim". I fail to see how calling a WS actions abusive links to "feeling sorry for yourself". The actions done by the WS are real. The lies, manipulation, gas lighting...etc.....are real. A WS manipulates a BS reality.

 

In HS example of voluntarily giving money to MM....then to claim abuse afterwards...would fit feeling sorry for oneself better.

[KathyM]

There are three forms of abuse: physical abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse. Betraying a spouse would be considered emotional abuse. It is thought that emotional abuse is the worst kind of abuse, moreso than even physical abuse, because it does more damage and is harder to heal from. To tell a BS, who has suffered the severe emotional abuse of being betrayed, to "just get over it", is very callous and insensitive, and attempts to trivialize their pain. That, also, can be considered emotionally abusive--trivializing the BS's pain. As far as verbally abusing a WS after discovery of an affair, to lash out verbally against a WS who has betrayed you is pretty understandable under the circumstances. The BS has suffered a tremendous blow. To call the WS an ass*ole, a liar, a cheater, or various other names in the aftermath of discovering an affair is pretty understandable. If the BS decides to reconcile, but continues to lash out indefinately, that I would consider to be verbal abuse, where the BS is not working towards forgiveness and reconciliation, but keeps the WS in punishment indefinately.

[Hope Shimmers]

In HS example of voluntarily giving money to MM....then to claim abuse afterwards...would fit feeling sorry for oneself better.

 

Let's make one thing very clear. I NEVER claimed that this was abuse. You are the one who brought this topic up. I never would have. I merely asked you to consider another alternative to your statement that was a generalization.

 

All of you BS's can claim to be abused if you wish. I understand. Whatever works for you!

[AlwaysGrowing]

Let's make one thing very clear. I NEVER claimed that this was abuse. You are the one who brought this topic up. I never would have. I merely asked you to consider another alternative to your statement that was a generalization.

 

All of you BS's can claim to be abused if you wish. I understand. Whatever works for you!

 

 

I clearly stated, abusive of financial trust, when a WS takes money/assets to fund an affair. It was you who then posed the idea that the same abuse could then be applied to someone who GAVE funds/asset to another, if one was to feel taking assets without permission was abusing the financial trust/position.

 

Taking and giving are not the same. So, my consideration of it being on par stopped at that point.

[Hope Shimmers]

I clearly stated, abusive of financial trust, when a WS takes money/assets to fund an affair. It was you who then posed the idea that the same abuse could then be applied to someone who GAVE funds/asset to another, if one was to feel taking assets without permission was abusing the financial trust/position.

 

Taking and giving are not the same. So, my consideration of it being on par stopped at that point.

 

Okay. Taking and giving are not the same, as you said. You are the 'abused'. You can have it - I never claimed to be and will never do so. As I said before, good luck to you.

[Hope Shimmers]

Looking forward to hearing from the original poster.

[Furious]

Denying someone their reality is abuse of trust. It an emotional abuse, it's denying someone their own voice and denying them their own choices.

 

I once said to my therapist I would rather someone punch me in the face instead of stabbing me in the back. At least I'd know without a doubt who and what I was dealing with.

 

Infidelty is a stab in the back, it's covert aggression and meant to keep a betrayed spouse in the dark. For me personally, the affair itself hurt me less than being lied to.

 

Ironically, many affair partners are also lied to and denied their own reality and I also believe that is abuse. The entire affair tangulation, most often led by the WS as the manipulator conducts a covert campaign that is only in their own best interest, which is usually cake eating.

 

Commonly, a WS will subtlety encourage their affair to feel negatively about the betrayed spouse, subconsciously the affair partner will at all costs compensate to be all that the betrayed spouse is supposedly lacking. It's cruel game and a form of covert abuse. Many affair partners are left traumatized after giving and being their all to the WS and are not chosen in the end.

 

Affairs, are abuse, an abuse of honesty and trust and the emotional scars are sometimes worse than a physical scar.

Edited April 5, 2014 by Furious

[Furious]

I gave ex-MM money. To the tune of five figures. So he could keep his house. And wife and family. So who was abused?

 

I agree with the last post that people throw that word 'abuse' out to try to play the role of victim sometimes. Things just suck sometimes and that's just the way it is. I left my marriage of 16 years because of physical and mental abuse so I know the difference.

 

 

Gently....yes I believe you were abused.

 

This "man" took your money and much worse he took it to maintain his family's life style.

 

You gave too much and he gave you nothing but words.

I'm sorry he did this to you.

[Arieswoman]

Furious,

 

I once said to my therapist I would rather someone punch me in the face instead of stabbing me in the back. At least I'd know without a doubt who and what I was dealing with.

^^^^^^

I can identify with this.

 

For me personally, the affair itself hurt me less than being lied to.

^^^^^^^

And with this.

 

For me was the gaslighting, blame-shifting and deceipt that was so hard to take.

 

The financial implications of his cheating (taking her to hotels on my credit card and then stuffing me with the bills) didn't come to light until a month after DD by which time he had moved out. I considered that an abuse of my trust in him ( he was 2nd signatory on the CC ). "Misappropriation of joint funds" doesn't seem an accurate enough description to me.

 

Affairs may not be abusive per se, but the ramifications certainly are.

[MuddyFootprints]

All abuse leaves emotional scars. When comparing emotional scars who really gets to determine whose are worse?

[Hope Shimmers]

Gently....yes I believe you were abused.

 

This "man" took your money and much worse he took it to maintain his family's life style.

 

You gave too much and he gave you nothing but words.

I'm sorry he did this to you.

 

Thanks Furious. He has since paid about 80% of it back and continues to pay it back.

[Furious]

Thanks Furious. He has since paid about 80% of it back and continues to pay it back.

 

 

It's good you've gotten back most of the money you gave him.

 

But I doubt he will ever give you back what was most precious to you.

 

I wish I knew him....I'd love to give him a smack in the face. I'd even be willing to be charged with abuse.

[BeingMe]

I think affairs can be abusive. But I think that with some WS when in the A they try not to think about their BS and the BS feelings...kind of unaware.

 

For some WS, the A is about getting even and comes from a place of resentment.They WANT to hurt their BS,even if the BS doesn't know. I'dhave to say that is some kind of emotional abuse.

 

On a dday, BS suffer trauma, emotional damage...whether that counts as emotional abuse, I'm not sure, but it is deeply traumatic and can cause PTSD in some. Both WS and AP are responsible for that trauma.

 

Then there are the WS who see the deep pain that their BS is in...and gaslight,deny etcetc. That is abusive because they see the pain their BS is in...and intentionally add to it. When an AP is cruel to the BS after dday, that too is abuse, for the same reason.

 

 

A few weeks sago I got very angry at someone who suggested that my STBXH had been emotionally abusive and that I was a victim.

 

My STBXH used the A as a punishment for me because of his resentment (admitted in MC) because he is passive aggressive and needs to resent those closest to him. When I found out, he saw me weeping, but never tried to comfort me. He denied things when I had proof. He used MC to manipulate me and to get the counsellor to blame me for everything...until she saw through him and realised I was telling the truth and he was lying (he's very plausible), but I spent months being blamed for everything and I believed it because I was so broken by dday.

 

Then he had a supposed epiphany andwe were reconciling (or so I thought), except then I found out about other things he'd hidden, huge things. Each time he got annoyed with me and tried to blame me for snooping. We eventually got a new counsellor who saw through him. He tried to manipulate her from the first session, telling lies in front of me, that I knew to be lies...and so did he. The next session she refused to follow his agenda. He got mad and sulked. She told me that I had suffered trauma.That's when he decided our marriage was over. In the weeks that followed, I didn't argue, I knew he was working up the guts to leave. Anytime i did anything he didn't like, he'd threaten me by saying "You shouldn't do that with the way I'm feeling. I'm not sure whether to just leave" Before his A, if he'd said that, I would have told him he could go if he wanted. But he had destroyed my self confidence and sense of self. I was also now, completely financially dependent on him too. So I begged him to stay instead...but he did leave eventually.

 

My STBXH used his affair to emotionally abuse me. BUT I do NOT want to be a victim. I have worked very hard to get stronger. I do not want others to see me as a victim or have that define me.

 

But I have to admit, that the emotional scars run very deep.

 

And the best bit is, he won't admit his affair to anyone else and just tells people either that we argued too much, or that he won't badmouth the mother of his children (implying it is all my fault)...but still wants people to think we're friends,because then it couldn't be anything HE did.

 

The truth is,he did emotionally abuse me with his affair. But what he did, is not what all WS do. My STBXH went above and beyond.

[janedoe67]

There are three forms of abuse: physical abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse. Betraying a spouse would be considered emotional abuse. It is thought that emotional abuse is the worst kind of abuse, moreso than even physical abuse, because it does more damage and is harder to heal from. To tell a BS, who has suffered the severe emotional abuse of being betrayed, to "just get over it", is very callous and insensitive, and attempts to trivialize their pain. That, also, can be considered emotionally abusive--trivializing the BS's pain. As far as verbally abusing a WS after discovery of an affair, to lash out verbally against a WS who has betrayed you is pretty understandable under the circumstances. The BS has suffered a tremendous blow. To call the WS an ass*ole, a liar, a cheater, or various other names in the aftermath of discovering an affair is pretty understandable. If the BS decides to reconcile, but continues to lash out indefinately, that I would consider to be verbal abuse, where the BS is not working towards forgiveness and reconciliation, but keeps the WS in punishment indefinately.

 

This post is excellent. I too consider an A emotional abuse, and when it results in an STD, physical.

 

The rants and angry words of a BS right after D-Day may sting, but they are understandable expression of extreme pain. My very staid husband called me things I didn't even know he knew the meaning of. Because he was devastated.

 

A man who continues to do this for months on end or who stays with his FWW and continues IS being verbally abusive. But his initial emotional response, IMO, needs to be taken for what it is - a reaction to probably just about the most crushing pain he has ever felt.

[jellybean89]

Let's make one thing very clear. I NEVER claimed that this was abuse. You are the one who brought this topic up. I never would have. I merely asked you to consider another alternative to your statement that was a generalization.

 

All of you BS's can claim to be abused if you wish. I understand. Whatever works for you!

 

??? Why the anger and generalization at "all of you BS's"? I understand you are a former OW and may not be able to see how being lied to, deceived and possibly exposed to STD's wouldn't in your mind equate to abuse; but I believe an affair to be mentally and emotionally abusive.

 

Okay. Taking and giving are not the same, as you said. You are the 'abused'. You can have it - I never claimed to be and will never do so. As I said before, good luck to you.

 

???? Again, why are you angry? I apologize if this thread is causing you triggers or stress.

 

This post is excellent. I too consider an A emotional abuse, and when it results in an STD, physical.

 

The rants and angry words of a BS right after D-Day may sting, but they are understandable expression of extreme pain. My very staid husband called me things I didn't even know he knew the meaning of. Because he was devastated.

 

A man who continues to do this for months on end or who stays with his FWW and continues IS being verbally abusive. But his initial emotional response, IMO, needs to be taken for what it is - a reaction to probably just about the most crushing pain he has ever felt.

 

I agree and you put into words what I was trying to say.

 

In reading various threads here and other places, I have seen comments about a BS's anger as "abusive". Most of the time, it is words said when the affair has been discovered and for a few weeks after. I can sympathize with a BS when they find out their spouse has betrayed them - I can only imagine the utter devastation that they go through and it takes time to heal from that. I see comments made that the BS 'forces' the cheater to be transparent and questions the cheaters actions - almost as if the BS has no reason to go to these lengths and the BS should just trust the cheater again. I have seen posts from OW/OM who are actually angry that the cheater doesn't have the free reign they once had and the BS is blamed!

 

I agree if the anger and some words continue for months on end, it is abusive.

 

I don't think anyone wants to be a victim (not sure why it is thought that BS's want to be a victim). I don't think anyone thinks of an OW/OM as a victim either, since they willingly enter into an affair with someone who is married (for the majority of instances). I haven't read a thread from someone who thought they were dating a single person, found out the person was married and promptly ended the relationship and never had contact again with the married cheater). That is about the only time I would consider the OW/OM a "victim" (and emotionally victimized) because they were lied to and deceived, and when the lies were uncovered, the OW/OM promptly ended the relationship.

[BHsigh]

I don't think anyone wants to be a victim (not sure why it is thought that BS's want to be a victim).

 

Exactly, if I had any say in the matter I wouldn't be a BS right now, I take no pride in that label whatsoever. It was an extremely hard earned label. My internal scars make me believe that it was abuse, this is by far the worst thing that I have ever been through.

 

I don't think anyone thinks of an OW/OM as a victim either, since they willingly enter into an affair with someone who is married (for the majority of instances). I haven't read a thread from someone who thought they were dating a single person, found out the person was married and promptly ended the relationship and never had contact again with the married cheater). That is about the only time I would consider the OW/OM a "victim" (and emotionally victimized) because they were lied to and deceived, and when the lies were uncovered, the OW/OM promptly ended the relationship.

 

I agree here as well, it seems that some AP's attempt to consider themselves as being in the exact same shoes as the BS, when in reality they are in the same shoes as the WS.

 

That is the biggest reason that I tend to get angry with AP's, more so than with most WS's. And that is something that I am working hard to stop doing in these forums. I just get frustrated that a large percentage of them refuse to see their responsibility in the affair. It's a bad excuse on my part, but I am working on just ignoring their posts so that I don't say anything stupid, lol.