anemptycup Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 from my daily diary: April 4, 14 IDENTIY CRISIS? I was content with little things in life before I met her – life had meaning…. I enjoyed the pace of it – my schedule… now I feel I am missing out on everything and anything – I feel time is running out and there’s so much I need to do and see and experience – it’s like some kind of competitive feeling - with her –I feel like it’s a race for who is going to have the most fun and awesome life - and I KNOW that is JUST how she was like… that is how she saw the world and life - like one big race to do and see as much as possible before the end - wanting to do everything – to check off a list - feeling like time was ticking… it's why i was, and am still! so attracted to her. And now I feel lost – between my old turtle life… moving slowly – which seems so unappealing now and like stepping back in time… and the pace she set… the speedy rabbit racing around doing and seeing and experiencing everything! before time runs out… I can’t decide if she has some real deep issues – or if it’s just who she is and her personality type.. maybe it’s both – But, I feel like she came into my life like a storm of excitement… and now she’s gone.. I feel how empty and dull my life was in comparison… it’s like.. I was enjoying the taste of water… and the feeling of it – but she got me hooked to sodas! – the bubbles the sweet – the fun, colorful, lively flavors… And now It feels so boring and hard to go back to the water… There’s a deep need inside me to be better than her – it is a heart wrenching feeling – of extreme jealousy – thinking she’s going on ahead and doing so much, having so much FUN - which i know is likely not at all true – but i feel her vision and desire and passion compared to me the slow turtle who will go back to his simple life… and I’ll always be wondering what adventures she is on – what she is doing… even if they are shallow.. maybe that's how life is suppose to be lived - in teh present.. flowing form one to the next... no roots.. no connections... just free.. and flowing... it has left me so confused... The best way I describe it is like the River and the Lake… the lake sits there, and over time learns to appreciate the details of all the things around.. the grass, the insects… the soil… the sound of the wind… the stillness… while her, the river… flows… and she experiences so much more.. in her journey… she passes the lakes.. the mountains, rushing by… seeing it all… but not in the same way – she sees more stuff perhaps.. but doesn’t connect and absorb as much… I feel like I was a lake in love with a river… and now I feel jealous of her - and stuck… I want to follow her to the ocean.. i want her to want to be like me - but I am stuck.. here in my spot – in the same spot I have always been… and now I need to re-learn to enjoy myself again..
amaysngrace Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 It's impressive to see a man keep a diary....go YOU! Did you share this fact with her? 1
Author anemptycup Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 It's impressive to see a man keep a diary....go YOU! Did you share this fact with her? share the fact that i kept a diary? yes - i even sent it to her at one point.. or did you mean - share my thoughts above? no i never did - i have learned THIS and SO much more since our break-up - things i never shared with her - and they are killing me not being able to share...
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 i can relate to this. while i am starting to see another girl that is really nice, fun to talk to, and be with, i find myself sometimes wondering what my ex is doing. i have no desire to even try talking to her again (broke nc last week and she really showed me who she really is), but the thoughts still linger.
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