thecrucible Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 It just makes me feel so sad. I feel bad about it. Like I had to reject this guy recently because I realised I saw him more like a brother. He's a really good guy as well and I wish I'd felt a spark. Do you ever get like this? I feel way worse rejecting someone than someone rejecting me. I need to get over it because I end up leaving it way too long before sharing my honest feelings.
carhill Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 That one was a toughie to deal with, probably due to socialization as a 'helper', hence it's tough 'dismissing' people for no real reason than I just don't want them around me. Perhaps working on becoming more self-involved could assist. It worked well for me. Every time the old tape plays and I feel the twinges of guilt for putting the shaft to someone I remind myself that there are only so many years on this planet and plenty of people haven't minded putting the shaft to me during them, so fair is fair. 2
Phoe Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I've only rejected twice, but neither time was particularly pleasant. One, I felt bad mostly because I really would've liked to date him if I hadn't already been dating someone The second one, I can't stand him as a person and truly think he's awful, but it still did not feel pleasant in making it clear he better stay away from me. I struggle with hurting the feelings even of someone I dislike
Mo_Do Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 It just makes me feel so sad. I feel bad about it. Like I had to reject this guy recently because I realised I saw him more like a brother. He's a really good guy as well and I wish I'd felt a spark. Do you ever get like this? I feel way worse rejecting someone than someone rejecting me. I need to get over it because I end up leaving it way too long before sharing my honest feelings. I've texted girls 20 minutes after a first date asking where we were going on date #2 just so they would reject me - so I wouldnt have to reject them Yeah, I hate doing it too
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 It just makes me feel so sad. I feel bad about it. Like I had to reject this guy recently because I realised I saw him more like a brother. He's a really good guy as well and I wish I'd felt a spark. Do you ever get like this? I feel way worse rejecting someone than someone rejecting me. I need to get over it because I end up leaving it way too long before sharing my honest feelings. One I particularly hated was I went on a date with a guy, he was lovely, funny, kind, well mannered he was everything I was looking for until.... The end of the date when he kissed me in the car his breath was horrid and I literally felt no flicker of a spark when it happened. I told him last week and that really sucked!
Author thecrucible Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Yeah my friends say I over-empathise and that I'm hurting myself by doing it, that I should learn to man up and face feelings better (they weren't being mean, just saying I need a bit more backbone). It's like I can see from the guy's point-of-view how it feels for them, but then when I think about it, it's better than being in the dark or being strung along. It's still hard to say "no I can't ever see you that way". And I'm not doing it selfishly easier...I could easy keep seeing this guy out of guilt or obligation, and I could be missing out on something wonderful by rejecting him. Who knows? But I just think it's better for him to have a girl who's in awe of him, you know, not a girl who's dating him because he's the best guy to date at the moment. 1
Author thecrucible Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 One I particularly hated was I went on a date with a guy, he was lovely, funny, kind, well mannered he was everything I was looking for until.... The end of the date when he kissed me in the car his breath was horrid and I literally felt no flicker of a spark when it happened. I told him last week and that really sucked! So you know exactly how I feel. :/ Ah it's just so much easier to get rid of someone who's a bit of jerk haha than someone who's absolutely adorable but just not someone you feel a spark with
kodakgirl Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I feel just the same way. I've even thought the same thing as you-- that I'd rather be rejected than reject, at least in situations where he is perfectly nice but I just don't feel it. I can't stand knowing I've caused anyone disappointment. I wouldn't lead someone on just to avoid dealing with the guilt of rejecting him, that's even crueller, but still, ah, hate it. If I don't feel a spark I am so, so relieved when he doesn't either.
TheNextLawyer Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I don't know - life is full of rejections, and as a guy I expect to be rejected much more often than the other way round. I once knew a girl at university and she flat out said she would 'slit her wrists' than have any connection with me. To be fair it was my douche 'friends' asking on my 'behalf'. Still irritated me. I have had many disappointments in various things, so when things go my way they stand out. Thus I try to see rejection that way - although depending on the person it can get to me more sometimes than others.
Author thecrucible Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Because I freak out sometimes at the thought of rejecting people, I don't blame any guy for doing the fade out and just deciding to stop contacting me after a date. Although obviously if the guy tried to fade out after intimacy, then I would get upset.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 So you know exactly how I feel. :/ Ah it's just so much easier to get rid of someone who's a bit of jerk haha than someone who's absolutely adorable but just not someone you feel a spark with If you are 100% incompatible you wouldn't think twice about saying it and probably wouldn't feel bad about it. However when 75% is compatible and the other 15% isn't it sucks - emotion and spark you can't force or work on the rest you can agree to disagree or work around. Although my date was very gracious as it's an actual gentleman, he wasn't offended, he wasn't hurt because he knew I wasn't rejecting him I just couldn't force myself to create a spark that wasn't there for me. If you explain it well enough hopefully the other party will be understanding i would like to think
Author thecrucible Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 If you are 100% incompatible you wouldn't think twice about saying it and probably wouldn't feel bad about it. However when 75% is compatible and the other 15% isn't it sucks - emotion and spark you can't force or work on the rest you can agree to disagree or work around Yes that's exactly what it was like. We have lots in common, although I don't really share his sense of humour and when I kissed him, it felt kind of wrong, like I was kissing my brother or something. It sucks 'cause I tried and I wanted to find that spark with him.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Yes that's exactly what it was like. We have lots in common, although I don't really share his sense of humour and when I kissed him, it felt kind of wrong, like I was kissing my brother or something. It sucks 'cause I tried and I wanted to find that spark with him. You tell him that if you haven't already. As much as it hurts rejecting someone, I've been rejected and it stings. If you can explain and make him realise the issue he won't feel ill feelings against you because any rational person knows that sometimes things aren't right even though you want them to be. Keep your chin up, it'll be ok and so will he.
Antenna_Of_Destiny Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 We have lots in common, although I don't really share his sense of humour and when I kissed him, it felt kind of wrong, like I was kissing my brother or something. It sucks 'cause I tried and I wanted to find that spark with him. I've felt that toward a woman before, I felt bad rejecting her sexually. I think she had to go to therapy. It was one of those fine women that everyone fantasizes about, she even did some modeling in fancy outfits, very aesthetic face. I took off her clothes and made out with her, and I literally didn't feel anything toward her physically. It felt like looking and feeling a picture on the wall of one of the landscapes you'll find at Wal-Mart. I went down on her but the day after I told her the truth and she ran away crying.
somedude81 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 While I've never rejected anybody in my life, I'm very experienced with getting rejected. For the other persons benefit. Make it quick; don't draw out the rejection. Don't offer friendship as some sort of consolation prize. 2
soccerrprp Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 People who have a terrible time and feel overly guilty about rejecting others (if for reasonable and healthy reasons) are prone to do more damage to the rejectee. They are the ones who offer insincere "friendships", allow relationships to linger or remain intact for too long becoming detrimental to themselves and the other person... I don't feel great about rejecting others, but if it was in my best interest, b/c it was the healthier option to make, I move on and not mope about. 1
xbloodflower Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 I do this all the time and it ends up a never ending cycle! The most recent time started with me knowing he was flirting with me and enjoying the attention and thinking, "well he's a nice guy and we get along well maybe I'll see how it goes?" then he went to kiss me one night after I was blubbing because I'd just rejected his friend who I really didn't have any feelings for whatsoever, and I thought ohhh maybe I shouldn't but I felt too bad not to...then he expected it and wanted to meet up all the time.. and I felt bad saying no. Then he wanted 'more' so I agreed to 'start seeing each other' but then he'd constantly question me as to why I wouldn't commit to a relationship and I tried to make excuses and avoid it but after a while I had to face it head on and tell him, and I felt absolutely awful but he just kind of accepted it and we've talked as 'friends' via text since and he's asked me to go and visit him as he's recovering from an operation and now I don't want to go in case he still has feelings but I feel like I'd be a horrible person if I didn't keep him company while he's sick! Like I say, it's a never ending cycle
WP4046 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 well some people I don't feel bad about rejecting which are those who I would not wanna be seen with in public if i ran into family or friends i can just fade out quietly when I meet someone like that
Hopeful30 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 No, I don't feel bad. After all, I'm never mean about it. We all have a right to reject the men we don't want. Even if we are picky and have really high standards, we have every right to be that way. And rejection is part of life. Try not to be too empathetic, that will get you into trouble. Take my word for it, I've been there.
WP4046 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 The way to reject people is not to say anything because that will only make people mad You have to let people take the hint and draw their own conclusions. When a woman wishes me good luck on finding that right one I get angry because i feel like she is acting like an employer. I rather someone not say anything
Author thecrucible Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 You have to let people take the hint and draw their own conclusions. When a woman wishes me good luck on finding that right one I get angry because i feel like she is acting like an employer. Yeah I don't do that myself. I find it patronising so I don't say that to anyone else. There's this guy at the moment. He's been after me for about 2 years but he's tried to have sex with me before when I was pretty much passed out drunk (not cool). Anyway I told him that I just want to be friends and that I'm not interested in him at all but he keeps asking me to meet up with him. I don't know how else to break it to him that I'm not interested. It's like when I tell a guy I just want to be friends, they just keep trying. So annoying 'cause I am being completely honest and to the point. This guy I don't even want to be around now because of what happened.
WP4046 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Yeah I don't do that myself. I find it patronising so I don't say that to anyone else. There's this guy at the moment. He's been after me for about 2 years but he's tried to have sex with me before when I was pretty much passed out drunk (not cool). Anyway I told him that I just want to be friends and that I'm not interested in him at all but he keeps asking me to meet up with him. I don't know how else to break it to him that I'm not interested. It's like when I tell a guy I just want to be friends, they just keep trying. So annoying 'cause I am being completely honest and to the point. This guy I don't even want to be around now because of what happened. I was referring to when two people go on a first date. Have no idea how you allow someone to still contact after 2 years if you have no interest Have you heard of the call block feature?
Author thecrucible Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 I was referring to when two people go on a first date. Have no idea how you allow someone to still contact after 2 years if you have no interest Have you heard of the call block feature? It's on facebook. He doesn't have my number. I don't want to delete him because I bump into him socially all the time (it's a small town). I have even point blank said that I'm not interested in dating him and he still keeps trying.
WP4046 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 It's on facebook. He doesn't have my number. I don't want to delete him because I bump into him socially all the time (it's a small town). I have even point blank said that I'm not interested in dating him and he still keeps trying. sounds like you need to get the law involved
Author thecrucible Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 You have no idea how much it sucks to have rejected that first guy I mentioned. He's wonderful in a lot of ways but I just wasn't feeling it. Wasn't an easy decision to make, and he's surely one of the best guys I've ever met in terms of character. So depressing to have rejected such a great guy but it just didn't feel like love to me
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