CoalMiner Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Hi All, My first post, so please be gentle. i am stuck in a vicious cycle with my wife, before we got married I suspected her of having an affair, we were engaged. Unfortunately I had no positive proof, lots of circumstantial evidence and a 'gut' feeling, an example of this 'evidence' is one night she came home with what looked like a love bite, I didn't even accuse her of anything but I did ask here what is was because it wasn't there the day before, she said it was a birthmark that 'comes and goes', thing is that was 3 years ago and it hasn't come back since.o Once she told me what days to book of work as she already booked those days, then two days before we were off she announed that something had come up in work and she would have to have the following week off instead, my holidays are very strict in work and cannot be changed onced booked, I accepted this withought question or suspicion though, these things happen in work, unfortunately I came home early from work the next day and on our dining table was a letter from her to her boss requesting the dates for the following week, problem was the letter was dated before she spoke to me about what dates to take so she obviously intended to have those dates of from the start whilst ensuring that I was of the week before, when I asked her about she said she just wanted some time to herself, again fair enough, everyone needs space except for the fact that she only worked mornings Mon-Fri and had plenty of time for herself including one whole day off every week, the housework etc is shared on weekends so I would have thought she would have been bored not actually wanting more time to herself Thing is I have tried to talk to her about this since that time but everytime results in her just totally denying everthing, me caving in, we move on and are fine for a while, then I start getting indignant about all the things that have happened, I try to talk to her and away we go, on the same merry-go-round. Thing is I don't think I can take anymore and this cycle is going to destroy my marriage, I have tried to forget all the things that have happened but little things bring it all back, little things like her going to work in a short skirt, knee-high boots, hair down extra make up ect, when normally its a smart suit etc, probably innocent, but it plunges me into despair and hence the cycle, I think can't forget because its the 'not knowing syndrome', its driving me crazy. My problem is how do I confront her after 3 years? and with no positive proof? Please help, the end of the road is nere for me.
tanbark813 Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Well it's not the PC answer, but if I were you I would take necessary steps to get that positive proof, if any. The whole thing about the "misunderstanding" for the vacation days seems shady. If she really wanted her own space, why not just say so up front? Trust your gut. Look around on this board a bit and I think you'll find that most people around here would agree that gut instincts tend to be pretty accurate.
michelangelo Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 A birth mark that comes and goes? Please tell me you don't believe that!
Bryanp Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 A birthmartk that comes and goes? You have got to be kidding me. How could she say that to you without laughing. I am amazed that you could have accepted this. She cheated on you when you were engaged so it is not surprising she is cheating on you when you are now married. I am afraid that you picked a lemon for a wife. It will be a matter of time before you eventually catch her. When you are gone on vacation I would suggest that you hire a private investigator or even a friend. My hunch is that they will catch her with another man. It sounds like maybe you should cut your losses when you find this out.
Author CoalMiner Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 Hey, thanks for your replies, man I'am so confused, could I be wrong? Is there any other reasons for a mark that looks like a love-bite?, I tried a quick search on the web but could not find anything, I just want to be wrong. The reason I'am struggling with this is because she moved 100+ miles to live with me, and married me, all after I think this happened, why would she do that if she didn't love me?, also, can someone have an affair for an extended period but only see the other person on week day afternoons?, in other words can affairs flourish and grow with such limited time? It may seem trivial but can I ask you all a question, on her last day in work before we got married, two days before we wed, I sent her a big bunch of flowers, orchids and such like to her works, the flower shop rang me in work to confirm that they had been delivered, now maybe I expect to much but I would have appreciated a simple phone call of thanks but nothing, I had to ring as normal much later in the day, am I mad or would most people's first reaction be to ring, not immeadiatly sure but ring never the less. Also I think the other person was my best friend who stood next to me as my best man at my marriage so if I am right how do we come back from that? When I realised that I cut of contact with my best friend of tens years, God am I stupid, that just left the way even more free for them didn't it? How would you all try to start this 'process' of getting to the bottom of all this, should I try the love-bite thing as a starter?
Bryanp Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Hello again, All you have to do is call a physician and they will tell you that there is no such thing as a birth mark that comes and goes. You asked can an affair flourish if they can see each other only on weekday afternoons. The answer is of course it can. In fact, it is perfect. They can enjoy the sex in the afternoons and continue their other life in the evenings and weekends. Your wife sounds like a cake eater. This is very typical of affairs. Cheaters enjoy having two different lives at the same time. The afternoon meetings are absolutely perfect for getting their sexual needs met. You asked why did she move and marry you if she was already cheating on you. The answer is that she enjoys again having her cake and eating it too. You offered her a better material deal. She gets married to you and has a nice lifestyle and then continues to cheat later. The fact that she may have been screwing your best man indicates if this is true that she has absolutely no respect for you and your marriage. I would put on a phone device and spyware on your computer. The fact how she manipulated you to get out of town indicates she is planning to continue meeting this OM. Again hire a private investigator or get a freind to follow and watch her during this time and take pictures. Unfortunately, if she cheated on you while you were engaged, cheating on you with the best man, then it should be pretty easy to catch her in the future. Past behavior is the best predictor for future behavior. Be prepared to cut your losses. I wish you luck.
Author CoalMiner Posted February 1, 2005 Author Posted February 1, 2005 Hey, thanks for the reply and support. The cake thing is something thats crossed my mind, I just find it difficult to believe people can be so deceptive, totally niave of me I know. I think neither her or my so called best man wanted him to be there but to go down that road would mean that an explanation would have been required for me as to why he didn't want to be my best man, he tried, constantly going on about being scarred of speeches ect but I insisted, he was my best friend after all. Sorry to ask more questions but something else occurred to me in that on our wedding day, another friend kept trying to get me out of the way i.e. outside for a smoke, I resisted because I had just started realise all this but didn't have the conviction to stop the wedding at that point, anyway eventually I gave in but I asked her step-brother to 'keep an eye on her', when I got back she was no-where to be seen, her step-brother said one minute she was there, the next gone, it was probably another 20 minutes before she showed up, my god can someone be capable of screwing someone on thier wedding day after just getting married? Finally when I originally asked her about the birthmark and she told me it comes and goes, she also said 'I told you about it ages ago', and I did remember her saying that, hence my stupdity in not questioninng her further or pushing the point, does that mean she was forwarding planning an excuse?
michelangelo Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Women who cheat are far more clever than their trusting husbands. It takes no effort at all to live straight and not lie. in order to cheat you have to keep track of a mountain of lies, have covering alibis too. It is easier for women to cheat since most of the time the men they cheat with pay for everything. So it is harder to find damning evidence like motel bills and such. What is in your favor if you really want to find out what is going on is that now you can take advantage of her impression of you as being dumber than she. Be smart! Gather evidence as said above and nail her ass. And drop her like a hot stone.
Cecelius Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 You don't need an excuse to bring it to a head -- but don't let more time pass. Explain that there are things that don't quite add up, you have a bad gut feeling, and you want her to get tested for STDs (you should get yourself tested too).
Owl Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Well, Cecilius is right, you don't need an excuse to bring it to a head, but from personal experience, if she's lied to you so far about it, she's not going to come clean unless you hit her with hard evidence. She's likely to even lie in face of that. Personally, I'm not sure what you've got as evidence that something is going on NOW...that's the REAL issue. I understand how hurt you are thinking about what may have happened in the past...but the problem you've got is that it will be almost impossible to PROVE any of that. Here's my suggestions: 1. Think HARD about what you are going to do IF she is cheating?? Have a plan. Realize that there is no way to tell how she'll react if/when you prove it...in my wife's case, when I confronted her, he bought her plane tickets to go live with him. She didn't go...but that's another story. HAVE A PLAN. If she is cheating...do you want to reconcile your marriage? Then think about the steps you'll need to take to make that happen...counseling, end the contact with the OM, etc... If you plan on seperating/divorcing if she is cheating...start talking to a lawyer now to find out what you need to do. 2. Get the evidence. Set a timeline for yourself. If I haven't gotten proof by XX date, then I will have to assume that it's all clear. Don't plan on checking on her forever. A. Start checking her cell-phone use. If you're paying the bill, you can ask for an itemized invoice from your carrier. Many companies have online invoicing that updates every 24 hours, which will allow you to see what calls she received/made yesterday. Look for repeat numers...affairs take a lot of conversation to maintain. See if he's calling her, she's calling him, etc... Look for text messaging...those kinds of things. She can delete her records on the phone...but the bill never lies! B. Get a caller ID box, and hide it somewhere in the house so she doesn't know about it. Hook it up to a jack that's not normally used, and stash the box. Under a bed, behind the couch, any place she's not likely to look. If she's in the habit of taking calls in another room when you're home, get a voice activated recorder...and stash it in that room. C. If she uses a home computer, get a keylogger/spyware program installed on it. Make sure she doesn't know that its there. Take a look at the internet history...what sites does she go to? Try hacking her email and IM accounts...she's likely to use a name and password that you can guess. If you get into her IM...enable the logging/archiving. DO NOT EMAIL OR IM ANYONE ON HER BUDDY LISTS...EVER. The minute you do, she'll KNOW that you're watching her. D. Take a day off of work that she doesn't know about. Go ahead and leave for work like normal that day, but see if you can find a spot to keep an eye on the house from that's not going to get you caught. Maybe park your car at a friends house, and borrow THEIR car to sit in. Go to where she works during her lunch break...see who she goes with what she does. Don't get caught doing this...be DISCREET. E. If you are totally convinced that she's seeing someone else on those days when she goes out dressed up...there is a kit you can buy that you can use to check for semen residue. Don't let her do her laundry as soon as she gets home, and use that kit to check all the appropriate places. Very DRASTIC...so I'd save this one for when you're convinced something is going on, you need that final proof. 3. Confront her. Again, when an affair is ongoing, the person who's having it will do ANYTHING to keep it from coming out in the open. Look for telltale signs that she's lying...you know her, so you might be able to spot something...and don't be afraid to call her out on a lie if you KNOW the truth. Good luck friend!
sassy123 Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 I am here to tell you that it does not take a whole lot of time for an affair to flourish. I am SF (single female) and seeing a MM at work for about 6 months. We go to lunch together almost everyday. When he is at work, he calls me at home on my days off. We have very limited time together. I think your wife is cheating, see who she goes to lunch with.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 I would probably throw out the evidence on the "birthmark" as inconclusive. If memory serves (and forgive me for being too tired to look it up), aren't there sometimes small capillary-type blood vessels in some birthmarks? ...Particularly, the port wine stain variety? Anyway, I agree with Bryanp that the information should be verified with a doctor. I think you probably have enough other evidence to warrant investigation on your part. I'm just saying, don't convict until you have all the facts in. At the very least, you are looking at serious communications problems that really need to be addressed.
Author CoalMiner Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Hi All, Thanks for all your replies, I hear what your all saying, I am very confused about the birthmark thing, it makes me feel stupid, does anyone know of a on-line resource I could use to verify this thing, I can't use our doctors, she would know, she's in the industry, so to speak.
Devildog Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by Owl 1. Think HARD about what you are going to do IF she is cheating?? Have a plan. Realize that there is no way to tell how she'll react if/when you prove it...in my wife's case, when I confronted her, he bought her plane tickets to go live with him. She didn't go...but that's another story. HAVE A PLAN. If she is cheating...do you want to reconcile your marriage? Then think about the steps you'll need to take to make that happen...counseling, end the contact with the OM, etc... If you plan on seperating/divorcing if she is cheating...start talking to a lawyer now to find out what you need to do. My thought on this plan, if you think it probable that she snuck out at your wedding reception to bang the best man, chances are there is no real love in her for you. A woman who would let another man have some fun before her husband has a chance to consumate the wedding vows just isn't likely going to put forth any real effort to fix something that was so broken before it even started. If you get the evidence, and I am positive you will if you try, file for divorce. I just don't see any reconciling this atrocity.
Author CoalMiner Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 To Ladyjane14, Many thanks for your post, I have not been able to speak to a Doctor or anything but I have done some trawling about on-line and yes you are correct about the blood vessels ect, however in my digging around I have found that birthmarks come in essentinally two types, the 'strawberry' type which can have broken capillarys but only in very rare cases do they remain visible beyond 9-10 years old and neither do they 'come and go', the other is the 'port-wine' stain type which are permenant, there are other conditions which resemble this but they are associated with serious chronic illness or treatment, i.e. HIV, Cancer treatments etc. Frankly this whole thing has been around my neck for nearly 4 years now, I have tried on a few occasions to catch her out and failed, I just can't play this game, my emotions give me away, I can't pretend to be happy in order to catch her out, basically she can run rings around me in a argument, the other main factor is me, I'am not very experienced, although I have had sexual partners before, she is my first 'proper' relationship, and as soon as I thought something was up, I tried to catch her but I think my attempts were blatantly crude and instantly regonised, then I tried to talk but everytime I was made to feel as if I was 'crazy' or something, I don't know how to explain this very well but from the start she has made it clear that she wanted a very close relationship but then she checked on me, would get jealous very easy etc but if I displayed similar reactions then she would have a go about at me about it , you see I have tried to deal with these things as and when they arose but evertime it ended with me apologising in tears, now for ages I figured I had a problem, that I was unable to love withought feeling insecure so as far as I was concerned everything was 'all in my head' and I have felt very guilty about this. Recently though she went to work all dolled out of the blue, probably innocent but it triggerred something in me, everthing came flooding back and when I though about it the birthmark thing just seemed to insult my intelligance, I checked on-line and found no evidence of birthmarks that come and go, I have been struggling with it since. You see sometime ago when I tried to get this sorted out once and for all, about 3 years ago now, she admitted that she had been in a 'flirting' relationship with a someone who visits her works regurlary, I accepted it just as that at the time, then later other things happened which meant I asked her again about this guy to find out if there was more to it than that, she then told me she had excagerated what she said to make me feel jealous, is that a normal thing to do during whats suppossed to be an open and honest coversation about our relationship? So basically I don't think I have the strenght to try to catch her out, I think I can present a pretty solid case based on past events, even if my worst fears are confimred then what do I do?, I can't imagine my life withought her. Basically I am a beaten man, on one hand I'am totally mad and delusional, on the other hand the woman I worship is a very good liar and cheat and has been taking the P*** out of me for some time.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by CoalMiner So basically I don't think I have the strenght to try to catch her out, I think I can present a pretty solid case based on past events, even if my worst fears are confimred then what do I do?, I can't imagine my life withought her. What will you do if your worst fears are confirmed? Will you end the relationship? If not, then what is the point of confirming your fears? If this is a case of something that maybe happened in the past, how is your marriage today? If your marriage is pretty good today, does it really matter what may or may not have happened before? You sound fairly certain that you want to continue on in the marriage. While it may behoove you to take a solid look at the relationship as it stands today, I can see no gain for you in dredging through the past. There are communications issues currently, that are sooooo much more damaging than anything history has to offer. You have concerns and insecurities within the relationship which are not being addressed. You have no voice, because you are not being heard. As things stand TODAY, this is the larger problem. (If you were to discover an actual infidelity at present, then of course that would be the larger problem....and yet still a symptom of unaddressed issues in the relationship.) Basically I am a beaten man, on one hand I'am totally mad and delusional, on the other hand the woman I worship is a very good liar and cheat and has been taking the P*** out of me for some time. You stated that this is your first serious relationship. That being the case, you have no frame of comparison to find out if your jealousy is normal. Please understand that I'm not accusing you of ANYTHING. In cases where there is an infidelity going on, often the betrayed spouse has a "gut instinct". It makes them feel a bit crazy until they are able to uncover the truth. And usually, they feel vindicated on that score at least. But there IS such thing as Delusional Jealousy. I only bring that to your attention so that you may have an awareness of it, this being your first relationship. It can also be called Morbid Jealousy, Pathological Jealousy or Othello's Syndrome, in case you care to research it on-line. I did find an interesting article, which describes some of the available treatment techniques: http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=34554. (Again, this is FYI. I'm not saying that your jealousy is unfounded. ) I think that the key to all of this may be in focusing your energy on what the desired outcome would be. In other words, what do you want in the future of the relationship? Then, choosing actions that will forward your goal. If it is in any way feasible, you should get into counseling on your marriage. Resolution of the communications issues is an absolute MUST. For two people to be contented in a relationship, each one must have their needs addressed. If your partner can't or won't hear you, how will she understand what is important to you?
jmargel Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Ask her what kinda of birth mark it is. There is one that's called Hemangiomas which does regress, but it can take between 3-10 years. http://www.birthmarks.com/BirthmarksCMS/Resource/VBFPamphlet.pdf This doesn't sound like what your wife has, since it disappeared completely in a day or two. Your wife gets defensive because she is guilty. Guilty of what? That's something we don't truly know yet. What alarms me is the jealously. Often a cheating partner will get jealous because they are the ones who are doing it, and don't want the same done to them. I think right now, your best course of action is to write her a letter, since as you said she runs circles around you when you try to discuss this. In this letter state that in order for this relationship to survive you two need marriage counseling, then make an appointment this week with a licensed one. The counselor will know what games she is trying to play and know how to cut through all the crap and make her face what she has done and is doing to you. If she refuses this, then you know where the marriage stands. You then have to ask yourself do you want to be with someone who you can't trust. Your mind wanders because you have no faith in her words. Trust is a very powerful thing and when it's broken most relationship won't last.
Author CoalMiner Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Hi Ladyjane14, Thank you for your reply, you are right, I do want to stay with her, and I have tried for all these years to forget and move on, to make renewed attempts to communicate better, after our honeymoon I resolved to forget about these things, after all she had just married me so even if something had been going on I figured it was me she choose so bah humbug to the OM, since then I have not really had any indication of anything else happening apart from that old gut feeling and some very strange behaviour at times, I made a concerted effort to not let the little things register etc . The problem is that I can be fine and then little triggers can set me of, I don't go off one and start accussing her of everything under the sun but I do get withdrawn so she knows when I'am struggling, this obviously upsets her because it means I don't trust her, also I feel guilty as hell then, so what I'am trying to say I suppose is that I'am afraid I have to go back to the past in order to addrress my current insecurities, which leads me to things that I had previously buried which I am now struggling to let go i.e. the birthmark etc, in all honesty I think I perhaps have insecurities about fidelity due to parents splitting ect and when strange things start happening and communication stops that insecurity turns into jealously, basically, I 'am not mad, I did'nt imagine these things that happened but I do also regonise that they have produced 'over-reactions' in me, anyway many thanks gain for your words, and the link, very informative.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by CoalMiner The problem is that I can be fine and then little triggers can set me of, I don't go off one and start accussing her of everything under the sun but I do get withdrawn so she knows when I'am struggling, this obviously upsets her because it means I don't trust her, also I feel guilty as hell then.... These "triggers" are normal for anyone who is experiencing a sense of betrayal, past or present. Again, communciations can be the key to resolving them. When you internalize rather than communicate, the problem is exacerbated. It's an oddity that the person who initially hurt us, is the one we can take the most comfort from. Your wife can't comfort you if she doesn't KNOW that you need her. You aren't expressing your emotional needs. Is it possible for the two of you to develop a coping strategy on this? Can you convey to her that you aren't necessarily being accusatory, but that you need her reassurance from time to time? Can you offer to do the same on some other issue that is bothering her? It seems to me that the initial marital contract is marred by history....at least from your perspective it might be. Is it possible for the two of you to re-make the contract? Some small ceremony in which you could renew your vow to one another might allow you to move forward, and leave the past in the past. Even if it was just the two of you and not a big wedding ceremony, maybe a new day of from-this-day-forward might be beneficial. (????) Keep in mind that you can only control YOUR words and actions. You cannot control hers. Walking on eggshells, so as not to create disagreements will only cause you more conflict. You don't have to fight in order to make your point, but you do have to speak up and get your issues out. How can they be addressed otherwise?
Nine Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Hi CoalMiner, You said that you have been worrying about this for 4 years now. Wow...that is alot of stress on you. I think you must feel very alone with this. Have you considered talking to someone that would be your advocate? Perhaps a therapist could help guide you to understand better what you are feeling? I find it interesting that you have so many worries about your marriage, and you still want to work it out with your wife. Have you thought about why? I mean, what are you getting from the marriage? What is it about her that you love? I'm not asking you to answer these questions here...just things for you to think about for yourself. I believe that you may have something to worry about. Maybe you are not overreacting. Your wife was certainly thoughtless not to thank you for the flowers. That seems unusual, especially since you were still just engaged. She doesn't seem to act like a woman "in love". That doesn't mean it is your fault because you are not lovable. It just means that she might not know how to love. Perhaps she comes from a childhood that was lacking in love. If you feel up to it, you could take a day off of work (don't tell her) and show up unexpectedly at her place of work to take her to lunch. It couldn't hurt. I'm all about verifying once in awhile in a relationship. And if she is innocent, you two could have your own romantic encounter. Good Luck and take care of yourself, Nine
Author CoalMiner Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Hey Nine, Thanks for your kind words, the stress has at times been almost unbearable, the way to describe the feeling is as if your stood over the edge of a cliff, you know the sickey feeling if you tnink your going to fall. I wish I found something like this site at the time. Anyway everyone here has been a great help, you are all good kind people and I thank you all for your comments and thoughts.
Author CoalMiner Posted February 10, 2005 Author Posted February 10, 2005 Hi All, A quick update, finally asked about the birthmark, its not a birthmark now, now its a skin pimentation thing thats always there it just gets darker at times, she said she'd show me in the morning but she didn't, this seems like a satifactory explanation, I think, so why has it not made me feel better i.e. like its the truth...is this never going to end unles I just go balls out and accuse her?
CurlyIam Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Man, you are dependent on her. If she told you milk is dark, I'm sure you'd dig up some nice explination about the various senses of the word "dark", as in meaning white... I say just hire that PI or take a few days off follow her. WTF? How can you live with all this pressure? First of all find out the TRUTH. Only after that make up a plan about dealing with it. The moment you stop clinging you'll be a free man. Only free men can be in relationships. The others are but mere sclaves. There's a moment for talking and a moment for action. You'll fùck up other 3 years of your life and maybe miss tha chance to be happy again. Cheers and good luch, Curly
Author CoalMiner Posted February 10, 2005 Author Posted February 10, 2005 Hey Man, thanks for the reply. You are right, I get the feeling I'am being told black is white and white is black, she is being kind in the respect that she says she wants to help me but she doesn't know what to do. I have arranged to go to counselling, I asked if she wanted to come but she said they probably would not allow that if the problem is with me, thats my fault because to get this dialogue initiated I told her I thought I needed councelling to deal with my insecurities, I know that couselling will help but untill I can get the strenght to really have it out with her then I think no ammount of councelling will help becaue the simple fact is I don't believe her explanations even though I try hard to. The birthmark thing is a prime example, she has now explained that its not a birthmark but skin pigmantation which gets darker sometimes with the sun, however thats not waht I remember because what I remember is that she had her hair down, normally up, she was wearing a roll neck top all night, I didn't spot the mark on her neck untill she took it of when we went to bed, I mean this thing was noticiable even in candlelight, I can't imagine that a little patch of slightly darker skin is something I would have seen in candlelight, I certainly have not noticed anything like it since. So I think I'am going to have to bit the bullet and have it out with her but what worries me is that she will just stick to her guns with her explanations and then I'am left trying to accept like I have tried for years or leaving her and not knowing for sure if I was right.
crisp Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 So I think I'am going to have to bit the bullet and have it out with her but what worries me is that she will just stick to her guns with her explanations and then I'am left trying to accept like I have tried for years or leaving her and not knowing for sure if I was right Well, you can find out. You can know for sure. HAve the courage to find out. Ask for the detailed list of her pone conversations. Call her at work, find out her schedule. Or just pay a PI. I think you're trying to convince yourself that you won't find anything against her. I also think that you're too scared to search for evidence, because then you'd have to leave the comfortable territory of uncertainty (therefore hope) to the harsh reality of knowing the facts. Fùck "if" and "when". Go and find out the truth. Get all the facts. See all the question marks and the ask the questions. Counselling is good because it may give you peace of mind, knpowing that indeed you are doing the right thing. Demanding exclusivity. Demanding faith.
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