Husband not looking for work

[Momto3Girls]

Out of work and not looking

Hi! I am new here and have 3 daughters. I thought maybe it is a good idea to post on a forum being if I got to my husband's mother or other outsiders it may damage things more than help.

 

My husband has been out of work since November (this November) and he says he is waiting to get training. He is on unemployment. The thing is with the training program it can take maybe another 8 weeks or so. It is a funded program and you have to keep going to appointments and waiting for the next step. There is also a test in workforce1 that he wants to take over but he wants to get the training because he missed it by a few points last time. So thereis this lab that he is supposed to be going to so he can get some exposure and then have a better chance to pass workforce1 test.

 

I have a huge problem. I understand that he wants to get more education and training because at his old job he did not have the networking skills that he needs out there for todays job market. So right now he would have to take a big pay cut.

 

But I keep telling him maybe there is an inbetween type job out there where you can work with other engineers etc.

 

My problem is since he is out of work in November he will not and has not gone on a single job interview or faxed a single resume out there. He wants nothing to do with it he says until he gets the training.

 

He said he will just get stuck at a dead end low paying job and it will hurt our family. So he continues to wait until this training and funded college comes through. I cannot bear to wait another 8 or more weeks for this.

 

In the meantime I do not see him going to the other training lab so he can do the workforce1 test again.

 

That is all I see is him on facebook when he is home.

 

I tell him my feelings and he yells at me and tells me he is doing this family a favor to wait for the training so he can be more marketable.

 

Am I the crazy one or should he be looking for something in the meantime?

 

The catch also is if he works then the training and college will not be paid. He has to be out of work for it to get paid.

 

Even if he waits for the training then I think he should live and breathe going to the computer training lab and he DOES NOT.

 

I am a bundle of nerves and I sleep so much. And I can barely get my childrens HW done any more.

 

I told a freind and she said he should be looking for something and now is not the time for college.

 

We do get unemployment.

 

There are 2 sides to this.

 

I want to tell his mother but chances are she may not side in with me or think that I am right about this.

 

This is destroying our marriage. I resent him and vice versa.

 

Maybe this was my best option to post on here where nobody knows me.

 

Also forgot to mention he is doing some side work but it is only like 1 day every other week and he will do it for the spring break.

Edited April 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Cross-post deleted and thread placed in MLP

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

No company in the world will take him on full-time OR part time, if he's going to be otherwise engaged in study in 8 weeks.

 

too risky, too much investment, and until he knows precisely how much time, and when, his studies are going to occupy his days, he cannot commit to part-time work even, particularly if his hours will change or become erratic.

[Momto3Girls]

He does not find out about training though until a few weeks.

 

I think he should be looking for a job in the meantime. And if something good comes along then he can forget about the training.

 

Or maybe a job will have tuition reinbursment and he can go at night or the weekend.

 

The entire point is he is sitting around and not looking and waiting, waiting and waiting.

 

Also I am not sure how long the studying is. Sorry on my previous post I meant to say he will not be in a training program if and when it is approved until 8 weeks or more from now. But it is not a guarantee with the training and college.

 

If he was looking and something decent came along then he can forget about the training like I said. But not to be looking for a single job since this November? I do not think that is acceptable.

Edited April 4, 2014 by Momto3Girls
added more

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

It depends how specialised his work skills are.

 

I'm playing 'devil's advocate' here, but my partner and I are also both unemployed, and finding a job, within convenient distance (we don't have a car) and job seeking (this is a borrowed computer) which matches our considerable skill-sets is like looking for the tip of a needle in a haystack.

 

He may be suffering from depression; the economy and lack of money are certainly excellent grounds for people suffering from, or being prone to depression.

I don't know where you are, but where I am, jobs are most certainly not plentiful they're poorly paid and if you actually have skills, people seem to want you less, because skills merit a better salary....

 

I think you're arguing from a lose/lose perspective.

you're at loggerheads, but you're married, parents together and you should be standing shoulder to shoulder, facing this uncertain situation, arm-in-arm.

 

do NOT involve other family members.

That will just result in unwelcome interference, and ill-judged (although well-meant) advice, which will only serve to increase the rift.

 

you two need to find a common ground, an effective way to communicate and face harsh facts: Things are difficult, but 100 times more difficult if you face one another, rather than forge ahead together.

[Momto3Girls]

We are in NY.

 

He does computer networking and he does not have cisco, lan wan and some other programs that this feild asks for now.

 

He has depression and is under care for it.

 

He has not put a single resume out there since November. We need to pay our morgage. Once unemployment is over then no income comes in.

 

We have 3 small kids that are all under the age of 11.

 

I cannot sit here and see him on facebook everyday posting aout his band and his music.

 

I am going out of my mind.

 

In NY Manhattan area there should be more jobs than in some other places. People relocate to live here because of more job opportunities.

 

So if it is 8 weeks of waiting to see if he can get the free training he should sit around in those 8 weeks and not even go to the computer lab?

 

We have 3 small kids, a morgage, bills etc. I am a stay at home mother to these kids. They need me here.

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

We are in NY.

 

He does computer networking and he does not have cisco, lan wan and some other programs that this feild asks for now.

 

He has depression and is under care for it.

 

He has not put a single resume out there since November. We need to pay our morgage. Once unemployment is over then no income comes in.

 

We have 3 small kids that are all under the age of 11.

 

I cannot sit here and see him on facebook everyday posting aout his band and his music.

 

I am going out of my mind.

 

In NY Manhattan area there should be more jobs than in some other places. People relocate to live here because of more job opportunities.

 

So if it is 8 weeks of waiting to see if he can get the free training he should sit around in those 8 weeks and not even go to the computer lab?

 

We have 3 small kids, a morgage, bills etc. I am a stay at home mother to these kids. They need me here.

 

Have you considered speaking to an independent third-party?

Or having a word with his doctor?

 

This situation is placing an intolerable strain on you, your nerves and will doubtless affect your children, in more ways than one.

 

I sense you are the one "holding it all together" but sooner or later, something will have to give.

 

you need support, and you need to investigate every possible avenue, because you cannot keep carrying this alone.

 

Rather than involve his/your parents, (who will always be biased - you are the fruit of their loins, they're GOING to be protective!) does he have siblings you could speak with?

I'm pretty convinced his depression and poor sense of self-worth is contributing to this a huge amount.

 

but seek support from a professional body, and speak to your doctor.

This can't go on as it is....

[Momto3Girls]

He sees a therapist but I cannot speak to her. Then I would be overstepping. I went to a therapist I found once. But with my schedule and all the kids appointments I have not gone back. There is a woman who came to our home when he first lost his job to help us with food stamps, medicaid etc. But if I call her here I do not know if it would be a good idea.

 

His primary care doctor cannot do much whether he looks or not looks for a job. She knows that he sees a pyschiatrist.

 

He firmly and strongly believes that he will wait as long as he has to to get the Free training or he has 1 more semester to get his associate degree. He said without the skills that he does not have he would take too big of a paycut so he wants the degree and training first. But I feel on the other hand, that there may be a job out there that can work out. You never know until you look.

 

There is a women at the JCC that is helping with some things but she is quick to point a finger and not sure if I should call her.

 

That is the reason I just came to a forum.

 

He went to his therapy appointment today at 10:00 a.m. and has not come home. Whatever he does is nothing usually job realted. It is browsing the stores or something like that.

 

I do need support. Definately. That is why I came here.

 

I have not spoken to my side of the family since my daughter was born who is almost 4 years old. And both my parents are not alive.

 

Like I and you said, speaking to his mother may not be a good idea. He has 2 sisters but they will not side in with me. I highly doubt it.

 

I am very much affected by this. I sleep whenevery I can or whenver the baby naps.

 

It is getting harder and harder for me to get the homework completed and get them to school the following day. My older one is supposed to go to the scholars/ honors class but I do not know how she would survive it like this.

 

Also they both won the parks swim lottery and it would be so expensive if they had to pay for these swim lessons. I do not feel strong enough to get them there every Saturday.

 

I do not have any support or reassurance on anything.

 

My childhood friend would not let me stay with her at her home. I am on a think string to cut our friendship off. She claims she is having her own emotional and mental issues.

 

But the thing is even getting support will not make him get his resume out now.

 

I did not feel by me going back to the therapist I found was helpful at all.

 

I am not sure what his doctor can say.

 

Nobody out there is gutsy enough to tell him "you should be looking for a job" while waiting to see if you get the training. Unemployment also has to approve the training. That is another factor.

 

All these appointments he goes to tells him he is doing all he can do which I think is a BS. They think he should wait and wait and not explore more of what he may be able to do out there.

 

He was making 80K and was titled network administrator. He does not want to work the help desk. So I understand that he wants cisco, lanwan, linex whatever. But how do you know there is not a job out there that is halfway in between help desk and nework administartor.

 

I am just the dumb stay at home mom that knows nothing.

 

He has also told me he does not want to be with me. Before he lost his job we were trying to work things out and then after he lost his job things got very bad like this.

 

What is wrong with me a SAHM wanting support and security?

 

Some times I cannnot even get through a day. Like I said not sure if I will be able to get them to the free swimming class that both my daughters won in a lottery. They both can go which is so nice but in this situation I cannot even be around people. I am too depressed and aggravated and my head is not there.

[Poppygoodwill]

So let me get this straight....he's suffering from depression and your marriage was on the rocks before he lost his job? No wonder you're so incredibly stressed out. And no wonder it's not going well.

 

I'm on your side: I think he should exhaust the search for every route for success, and whatever comes first, or what works best, he should take. I wouldn't want him to compromise the possibility of training by taking an insignificant job - but it takes a long lead time these days anyhow. He could still be putting out resumes and - as you rightly say - being down at the computer lab preparing himself for this one option he is putting all his hopes in.

 

It sounds as if his depression might be winning this one. It's hard being unemployed. So demoralizing. All the more so if you're prone to depression.

 

If I were you, considering your marriage was already unsteady, I'd be quietly coming up with my own Plan B in the event that he can't, or doesn't , come through for you.

[Eivuwan]

You can't control what he does. Can you find a part time job to help with things?

[darkmoon]

if he says he does not want to be around you, that is sad for you, but I think you will have to let him conduct himself how he wants in order to redeem the situation, I agree with Poppy as well, Plan B

Edited April 4, 2014 by darkmoon

[Momto3Girls]

I have 3 small kids that I have to be here for. One will go to preschool in which I have to drive back and forth and the other will soon be in Jr. High that I have to drive back and forth.

 

I have been dealing with this all on my own and it is tearing me apart.

 

I am afraid to reach out to his mother. Or reach out to my family that I have not spoken to in a long time.

 

I just cannot get support anywhere.

 

Maybe just I will continue to keep it to myself. Talking about it does not seem to help that much.

 

Thanks for your advice.

Edited April 4, 2014 by Momto3Girls

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Look being a SAHM is fine and dandy. But sometimes you have to pull up your big girl pants and do what you need to do, if he won't.

 

You could get a part time job in the evenings and weekends. To help out. Plenty of moms do this you know.

 

And I am not picking on you. I am currently a SAHM myself. But if my husband were doing what yours is, I would do SOMETHING to help my family and probably kick his ass to the curb if he refused to provide for HIS own children along with me.

Edited April 4, 2014 by DaisyLeigh1967

[Almond_Joy]

If he had a guarantee that unemployment will approve the training and that he will be secured a job after the training, I may understand waiting for him. But there are too many if's and maybes. It doesn't matter WHAT industry or job you eventually want, taking lesser work on the way there is nothing to frown at or be ashamed of or scoff at.

 

My mother did the same thing. After I got out of high school she quit her job to work in her field (also network admin) and with 2 master's (but no industry experience) she wasn't taking anything under 80k. That was over 10 years ago and she hasn't secured full time work from that day to this.

 

Taking a lesser paying and possibly lower skill job will NOT prevent him from getting a higher paying job later. Many employers offer tuition assistance anyways. With a few thousand he can get the certs - CISCO and everything else - while he's working. The Bachelor's is nice but certainly not mandatory for him to get ahead.

 

He says he needs to learn how to network and market himself? Well whaddya know, there are these awesome things called JOB FAIRS and PROFESSIONAL ASSOCIATIONS and TECH EXPOS and TALKING TO COWORKERS that offer plenty of experience time in networking and marketing yourself. That training program is not the only way he can get those resources.

 

Will the pay from the training even be equivalent to his salary with a helpdesk job, which would likely for him be easily 40 - 50k? I can't imagine that he couldn't land a helpdesk supervisor job if he's got enough experience.

 

I think it's terribly selfish of him to let you stress over how the family's going to get by while he refuses to bring in any money. That band thing you mentioned is also a bit of a red flag. To me, he's showing that when times get rough he can abdicate himself of any sense of duty for the welfare of the family.

 

Start putting together an exit plan and be ready to follow through if he keeps this up. Sucks for you but you need to see about getting some work yourself, something part time or a work from home thing. A friend of mine has two young boys and she's on her own. She's worked from home doing customer service, being a virtual assistant, booking hotels and stuff for travel agencies. She doesn't have down time but her and her boys are not suffering for anything. You and him both have a responsibility to those kids and if he's not picking up the slack that leaves you. Good luck!

Edited April 5, 2014 by Almond_Joy