Mimi678 Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Hi, my boyfriend claims that he loves me. yet, there are these recurring incidents that puzzle me at best. i would really appreciate a 'reality check' on what is ok to expect and what is too much to ask. today he is on his way from a week long trip, and he send sms to check on how i'm doing and where i am, and once i reply that i am struggling with an assignment that is driving me nuts, that it has proved very difficult, considering that my boyfriend knows about it. i get no response. nothing. no good luck, no you can do it. i might not even react if it wasn't a systematic thing that he does. last week, the same thing. he was away, and we talk on the phone, of course, and so he was telling me about his work, and the difficulties he was having, and that was a two-part conversation, but as soon as i started discussing the issues that i was facing at work (obviously both of us are having quite a bit of job-related problems), he was barely listening. i needed his advice, but i didn't get anything that makes sense out of him apart of 'oh that is difficult' a number of times. or another time, i had some really huge problems with a client at work, and i worked late each night, while my boyfriend was very supprotive in his tone, always confirming that it sounds terrible, but it ended there. one night i was on my way home, tired and really upset, and i called my boyfriend, and he was his usual "oh this is terrible" self, but once he had said that, it was more like, ok, i'm on my way to friend to watch a movie, bye... or even better, we made plans to spend a sunday evening together, and he calls me at say 5 pm to ask me if it's ok if he goes to his friend's house warming party, and comes to me at 10-11pm... first of all, i know his friend and his girlfriend, still i wasn't invited, and my boyfriend didn't even think that i might find it hurtful, also, i have to be at work really early and he knows it. and why tell me this when he was supposed to be coming over? not a day before, or something? we've had a conversation a month ago about stuff like that, but i wonder if that conversation wasn't a waste of time - because he doesn't seem to take my problems seriously. it is as if they do not exist. i don't know what to believe. i don't know how to formulate my demands, if we are to have a conversation, because i am not sure that he even understands me, nor do i know why he behaves in such an insensitive way. i don't know what to think or do, and so i would appreciate some advice.
tattoomytoe Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 how lond have you been with him? how old is he? he sounds a lot like my bf.
IceIceBaby Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Ick, that sounds alot like my boyfriend at times too. I always listen to his problems and comfort him. But when it comes to mine, I usually get a "don't stress about it babe" and then it's on to the next topic. I've never said anything to him about it because when it comes to the big stuff, he's always very supportive. But I guess if I decided I was going to approach him about it, I might do it while it's happening. I would return the conversation back to my problem and say in a semi joking way "help me!" I guess guys don't always talk about their problems in hopes of getting advice back, they do it just to get it out. Where as girls tend to want some feedback.
Kate Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 this might sound bad but he sounds just like my ex who 1) wasn't ready for a relationship 2) cheated on me almost the entire time.
kanga Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 I could be wrong, but I think I recall reading that guys just aren't the same kind of listeners like women. It's some kind of real biological, hard-wiring difference between men and women. And I think what I've discovered is that ones who are good listeners are aware of this difference and work hard to compensate. So they have to kind of train themselves to be better listeners. And even then, I think sometimes they still listen like we expect them to want to -- the same way we converse with our gal friends. Soooo ... with that in mind, and if what I'm saying is true, women need to also be aware that we just can't blahblahblah on forever and expect the kind of results we'd want, even if guys blahblahblah to us. I fall into the trap sometimes too. Especially when asked how my day went. Or how am I doing. I'm tempted to start giving the play by play of each day's moment (because, hey, if he likes me, he'd certainly want to know, right? ) But I usually just sum it up with a few sentences at most, and leave the details and gossip to convos with gal friends. The key is I think what IceIceBaby has said. When the sh*t hits the fan, do the listening skills make an appearance then? Of course, it doesn't mean something else isn't going on. But it doesn't automatically mean he doesn't care or has lost interest.
joeyNoelle Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 This too sounds like my bf.... It seems that it sounds like alot off ppl's boyfriends...but don't take it as a sign that he doesn't acte aboiut you.....some guys just either don't know what to say...are pretty stupid and insensitive or don't think is it as big of a deal as you think it is...Men and Women think differently. It sounds like slight insensitivity on his part but my suggestion is that its not intentional he just sounds like the kind of guy who is easy-going a little inconsiderate and doesn't ever make any serious plans..everything is minute to minute. which a lot of guys are..it takes maturity and growing up to really become considerate of anothers feelings. With my bf if i have things in my own life that bother me usual i tell him about it in brief but i really never expect him to give me advice about what i should do..how i handle things is my business and my responsibility...he often asks me what he thinks i should do .. usually i give him a brief answer and then just say but look do what you want..because it is really his choice etc. Maybe his 'oh this is terrible response is just his way if saying ..I'm not sure what to tell her but i know the situation isn't good. I think he should have invited you along to the party..like you know or at least suggested that you join him there etc....but it just sounds like a lack of consideration....this happens to me alot with my bf..but we have talked about it and i just decided to let things like that go..although the times he has arranged to see me and he has been lat coz something came up it was never a party that i expected to be invited to ... the only times we go to parties alone is if the other person is busy. Don't thinbk he planned to not see you when he siad he would...it probably came up last minute...you could have said...oh am I invited..then he would either say yes or no....and you would find out why u weren't invited etc..then u have a right o be upset. My advice is either let it go...as long as you have told him that it doesn't feel good that you are not considered.....that it seems like he thinks you have nothing better to do than wait around for him..like you don't have a life of your own...once you have let him know this ..if you don't see some improvement...either let it go and just be conent with what you do have or decide whether this is something you can live with..if not tell him sorry but you can't do this and thats that!
imokurnot Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Except in my case the reverse was true. She was the worst listener and then what she heardwasn't even close to what I said or my intended meaning of it at all. I am sure most everyone has read Men arr From Mars; Women etc..... But it is a great read as far as communication styles and patterns between the two sexes. Even though in some instances it was completely the opposite behavior between my ex and I (role reversal), I still got to see the two styles or patterns and how they played out. It really helped me to understand the dynamics or the two sexes much better and helped me a lot. Well I have yet to have a chance to try it out in a relationship but I believe it has helped me and I hope to prove that out, when I get the chance LOL.
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