jaycee1 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I guess I am looking for affirmation I did right thing, or opinions here. I am trying hard to not respond to any texts from guy I dated, so I am here for support. I met this guy 5 months ago, we dated non exclusively. I attempted to end it back in January but he really stepped up effort (still without exclusivity though). So 1 1/2 months ago I said no more dating because at this point if you can't be exclusive then its over. He accepted it but asked to be friends, and when he figures his stuff out etc asked if I would date him exclusively. I don't think he intentionally tries to string me along, just seems to be a habit, but I said I'd try the friends thing. I was of the opinion though if he can't commit, he will have to do all the contacting. He has called me everyday since then, talks for hours, texts me and went to dinner a few times. Never once have we ever fought or had a bad time together. We even talked about dates we went on with others. I am not jealous in that sense, because I know the issue isn't me, it is him. Well anyways we were out other night and he was complaining again about a female friend thats in love with him etc. I asked him why he leads her on with false hopes. He was oblivious that he does but when I explained it to him, he said he doesnt want to lose the friendship. It dawned on me cause of his fear of commitment, he uses both us as the friends to fill different needs of his. With her its the chasing she does and the nagging or drama ha ha. With me he calls to laugh and just goof off, or have someone to vent too cause I don't judge (or try not too). This allows him to date others and not get too close. The was kind of a wake up to me, and I told him 3 days ago it was time to say goodbye. That we use each other to keep ourselves closed off to others. Hardest part is I have talked to him everyday for months! He has texted each day saying what a bad day it is without me in it. I have not responded in anyway but sooooo hard. Honest opinions am I doing the right thing? I don't think he is a bad guy in anyway. I do think he has past issues he needs to resolve and with me there everyday, it allows him to not face them. Part of me wants to be angry at him how he uses women to fill his needs with no regards to the womens feelings, but other part wants to believe he really is blind to the hurt he causes.
SmartDude Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Well,I will put this out there before the "no contact Nazis" arrive: You can still have him as a friend and potential mate. You just need to not focus on him mentally, and don't answer his texts everyday...More like once every couple days, or once a week even. Focus on your own life and your excitement for other dating prospects. If he asks why have you not be answering, say you have been busy. When he asks what you have been busy with tell him its personal. You need to put him on the back burner and he has to know it. 1
soccerrprp Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Well,I will put this out there before the "no contact Nazis" arrive: You can still have him as a friend and potential mate. You just need to not focus on him mentally, and don't answer his texts everyday...More like once every couple days, or once a week even. Focus on your own life and your excitement for other dating prospects. If he asks why have you not be answering, say you have been busy. When he asks what you have been busy with tell him its personal. You need to put him on the back burner and he has to know it. Well, I don't know about the no contact Nazis, but is his friendship keeping you from moving on to have a healthy, committed relationship with the next guy that may come along? If so, you need to end communication. As I see it, you still have some feeling for him and he certainly knows this. By continuing this friendship, you do no make yourself completely available for the next guy that comes along. Here's another thought....will you tell the next guy who comes along that you have an ex that you talk to and that you invited him to contact you when he was ready to commit? Or will you hide him and continue texting, meeting him? 2
Author jaycee1 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Thanks smartdude. That was my first thought because we are good friends. When he first asked me to stay friends, my assumption was occasional call, text etc. He calls and texts everyday, if I don't respond he will send goofy texts like he is jealous etc. I know he is joking, but why texts and call everyday! That's what forms the attachment and I guess comfort so I have time connecting to new dates. When I try to pull away to talk less it makes him try harder.
soccerrprp Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Thanks smartdude. That was my first thought because we are good friends. When he first asked me to stay friends, my assumption was occasional call, text etc. He calls and texts everyday, if I don't respond he will send goofy texts like he is jealous etc. I know he is joking, but why texts and call everyday! That's what forms the attachment and I guess comfort so I have time connecting to new dates. When I try to pull away to talk less it makes him try harder. He may use the word "friend", but his texting daily, saying he's jealous is not PLATONIC. Intentional or not, he is stringing you along emotionally. You posting this is clear that that is what is happening. 2
PegNosePete Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) He wants something that you can't offer: a casual, multi-dating, bit of fun/sex/whatever. You want something that he can't offer: a committed relationship. So you choose to resolve this difference in needs by becoming friends, and now neither of you gets your needs met, yet you're still both pushing to get your way. That doesn't seem like the right choice to me. Edited April 4, 2014 by PegNosePete
Author jaycee1 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Soccer.. thank you, you're right. He does string me along hoping to have me there til he figures out what the heck he wants. He can't commit to me but not ready to let me go. Its what he does with the other female friend, yes different dynamics, she chases him but she whines he go over there. Pete, I am going to save this part.. "So you choose to resolve this difference in needs by becoming friends, and now neither of you gets your needs met, yet you're still both pushing to get your way. That doesn't seem like the right choice to me." So simple yet exactly our problem.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Agree with Smartdude. He's not showing a heavy investment so in turn, do the same. Emotionally detach and just look at the relationship as fun. Though if you're unable to do that in a healthy manner without getting emotional/jealous/worried/sad then cut him out of your life bz you'll only continue to be disappointed.
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