theperfectlife Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Dday was 2 weeks ago for me, one week ago for my OM. We have decided on NC for 2 months, just to make sure this is what we want. Before Dday, our plan was to end our marriages, pretend we met after leaving. Well, that plan went to hell. After doing research on this topic, I realize the type of affair I had was the most real. I am 100 percent completely in love with my OM. The other thing I am sure of is that he is 100 percent completely in love with me. I do, however , get scared that sometimes love is not enough. His children are younger than mine (his 13 and 15, mine 17 and 19). My youngest will be off to college soon, easier for me.) It has only been 2 weeks with NC, and I feel stronger than ever. I plan to leave my marriage in May, telling my spouse there is nothing he can do to repair anything from the past. I feel dead inside. I miss the OM so much. I am trying to keep busy, but feel like a zombie. going thru the motions of daily life. working a lot. wanting time to go by. 1
Summer Breeze Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 It may not feel it but you've done the right thing. You made a decision and it was based on you and your situation. You may have thought about a future with OM but at the end of the day you have no idea what he's doing or thinking so your decision is for you. It isn't easy. I remember saying to my brand new H that if he was ever not happy to leave. Just say goodbye and end it. He didn't and it took me a long time to realize that no matter how bad a M is or how much you want to leave it's terrifying and it's so much easier to stay. When I left DMM while in the A it was terrifying but I did it for me. I'm very proud of you and remember this as a victory for you. When you're feeling like you're not strong enough remember that you are. 1
BetrayedH Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 If I may ask, why not tell your husband now? Why drag this out another 6 weeks for him if you've decided it's hopeless? 2
Sub Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 You're doing the right thing by your BH as well by making the decision to finally end your M. You both deserve to find happiness. 1
Owl Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Why are you waiting til May to move out? Have you filed for divorce already? If the marriage is over and there's nothing to be done about it, then why not fill the two months of NC time with something productive, such as getting out of your own marriage? Last thought...if (theoretically), Married other man (MoM) comes back and tells you he's not leaving his wife...will you continue to move out and divorce? 3
woinlove Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I agree with others that this seems like a positive step for you. As SB said, the decision is for you so you do not need to tie the timeline for telling your H you want to end your M with the two-month timeline you set with OM. OM may or may not be ready to divorce himself, but you know that you are and should move ahead in any case. How do you feel about proceeding with divorce now rather than waiting until your agreed to NC ends in May? 1
Author theperfectlife Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 I know it sounds ridiculous, but my daughter is in junior year of hs, has prom may 9th, honor society dinner may 12th. that is my reason for waiting...................
Owl Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I know it sounds ridiculous, but my daughter is in junior year of hs, has prom may 9th, honor society dinner may 12th. that is my reason for waiting................... You've had d-day...and I'm ASSUMING that your husband knows that you're going to continue to see MoM...so I'm not sure how things get much worse than that. You can still start the divorce proceedings...can even start looking for another place to live and begin seperating...without impacting your daughter's ability to attend these events. Your H and you can still show up to these, if you both choose to do so. Or does your H not know about your plans at this point, and is falsely thinking that you're actually reconciling with him? 7
woinlove Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) Do you feel fairly certain that your daughter will take news of a divorce better after her graduation than before? Sometimes when you reveal a big life changer after an important event, the person looks back, knowing you knew then and the memories are changed. If there is lots of tension in your home life now, and your children can sense that, it may be a release to reveal your plans now. ETA: if this is the daughter that discovered your A, she already knows there are problems. Edited April 4, 2014 by woinlove
DKT3 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Dday was 2 weeks ago for me, one week ago for my OM. We have decided on NC for 2 months, just to make sure this is what we want. Before Dday, our plan was to end our marriages, pretend we met after leaving. Well, that plan went to hell. After doing research on this topic, I realize the type of affair I had was the most real. I am 100 percent completely in love with my OM. The other thing I am sure of is that he is 100 percent completely in love with me. I do, however , get scared that sometimes love is not enough. His children are younger than mine (his 13 and 15, mine 17 and 19). My youngest will be off to college soon, easier for me.) It has only been 2 weeks with NC, and I feel stronger than ever. I plan to leave my marriage in May, telling my spouse there is nothing he can do to repair anything from the past. I feel dead inside. I miss the OM so much. I am trying to keep busy, but feel like a zombie. going thru the motions of daily life. working a lot. wanting time to go by. If your OM doesn't leave his wife (which is most likely) would you then attempt to make your marriage work? Think carefully about your answer, right now you have the blinders on and all you can see is the OM and how your BH is keeping you from him. Also, you've done the damage, waiting until may isn't going to make it easier for anyone involved. In fact one could say its more damaging by giving the false hope. I have read thousands of these stories, more often then not the OM changes his mind, or flat out misleads his AP. She is then left with nothing. I realize you don't believe this is possible, but not only is it possible its most likely. Who's idea is it to wait? Is the OM making excuses as to why he can't leave his wife? Setting dates then backing off? You only need to answer these to yourself. Be careful, as the saying goes "getting involved with a cheater and a liar means your involved with a cheater and a liar". I wish you the best of luck.
MuddyFootprints Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 My heart goes out to you. I have been in your shoes and can't stop feeling that you are about to make a decision that you are going to regret terribly. Please consult a professional immediately...even if it is a lawyer, and listen very carefully to what he/she has to say. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Being that you feel like you are just going through the motions in your life. I would tend to agree with other posters who advise you move on. Retain a lawyer, start looking for places to live, start getting finances separated, discuss who the children want to live with.. Give your family as much time with the new situation as you have. You know that you are leaving, let them know too. Why should only one person be given the gift of time to make plans? 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 If your OM doesn't leave his wife (which is most likely) would you then attempt to make your marriage work? Think carefully about your answer, right now you have the blinders on and all you can see is the OM and how your BH is keeping you from him. Also, you've done the damage, waiting until may isn't going to make it easier for anyone involved. In fact one could say its more damaging by giving the false hope. I have read thousands of these stories, more often then not the OM changes his mind, or flat out misleads his AP. She is then left with nothing. I realize you don't believe this is possible, but not only is it possible its most likely. Who's idea is it to wait? Is the OM making excuses as to why he can't leave his wife? Setting dates then backing off? You only need to answer these to yourself. Be careful, as the saying goes "getting involved with a cheater and a liar means your involved with a cheater and a liar". I wish you the best of luck. This is accurate. If you are leaving your marriage it must because the marriage is over - not because of your OM because I can tell you - love is not enough - he will most likely stay where he is. Two months of no contact isn't enough. You need more than that to think clearly. And, are you truly no contact?
Artie Lang Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Also, the other man was not who I thought he was and told me he couldn't be my "crutch". i'm confused. this is per your last thread. what gives?
wanting more Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Dday was 2 weeks ago for me, one week ago for my OM. We have decided on NC for 2 months, just to make sure this is what we want. Before Dday, our plan was to end our marriages, pretend we met after leaving. Well, that plan went to hell. After doing research on this topic, I realize the type of affair I had was the most real. I am 100 percent completely in love with my OM. The other thing I am sure of is that he is 100 percent completely in love with me. I do, however , get scared that sometimes love is not enough. His children are younger than mine (his 13 and 15, mine 17 and 19). My youngest will be off to college soon, easier for me.) It has only been 2 weeks with NC, and I feel stronger than ever. I plan to leave my marriage in May, telling my spouse there is nothing he can do to repair anything from the past. I feel dead inside. I miss the OM so much. I am trying to keep busy, but feel like a zombie. going thru the motions of daily life. working a lot. wanting time to go by. i'm just curious what the bolded means?? what makes your A the most real? 1
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I am 100 percent completely in love with my OM. Then you should leave your husband. You aren't in love with him so why stay with him when you want someone else? You'd be better off alone and your H could start his grieving and healing process. The plan was to leave your spouses right? Dday has happened, so why are you staying?
Snipercatt Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 i'm confused. this is per your last thread. what gives? Artie, she wasn't referring to her current affair partner, but to a previous affair partner.
Daisy2013 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 It is good you are going to D if you are doing it for yourself and not OM. I'm sure you know truly how you feel and whether you want a future with your H. I'm in the same boat. I love my ex-mm with all of my being, but he won't leave home. My M has been dead for years and continues to get worse, if it can when already dead. As much as I want my ex-mm, I will be filing for myself, knowing I will be alone. Just be sure you are ready for that. Good luck to you.
Lady2163 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 So, my guess is OP is just marking time to get kids through their school year. Which is why she is saying May. Her child is in the honor society and a junior lets not screw up status quo and grade point average at this stage of the game. Another guess would be she is "attampting" to work on the marriage. In reality she has her exit strategy. I would encourage you to make sure you are ending things for yourself, because the marriage is over and not ending things to ride off into the sunset with AP. in this instance, you do have to put what you want first. There is never a good time to leave. Sad, but true. If you aren't even a little excited to be searching for a new place and starting over again, you might reevaluate. Sure, you may be sad and scared but there should be some genuine interest (along with dread at the myriad of details to take care of) in apartment hunting, moving, furniture shopping, etc.
WakingUp Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 "There is never a good time to leave" VERY TRUE. But, after May, there will be another reason why not. Then another. If a D Day didn't force the issue, nothing will. 2
Recommended Posts