The Phase Out

[firsttracks]

I'm getting the phase out from a girl I've been seeing for 2 mos. It's clearly because she claimed she wanted a nice guy and was past dating jerks but clearly that's what she wants and those are the guys who get in her pants. I've been in her pants plenty of times but we never had sex because she wanted to wait. I was aggressive about it but after getting shot down like 6 times and developing feelings (heaven forbid) I saw long term potential and realized sex will come. She wanted it one night wasted but I was a disaster and didn't do it. Ever since then she's minimized everything. She's not initiating texts, plans, or phone calls, she barely responds to mine so I basically stopped.

 

So I'm getting phased out, I can tell it's ****ing obvious. Do I handle it like a gentleman and just not text her back or contact her at all? I mean I tried to make plans and she was like "not sure if I can I have a paper due." I called her the next day, no answer but she text back later saying she was napping. I responded and she took 3 days to respond. So I'll treat her like she treats me.

 

Question is, like I said do I be a gentleman and just ride the wave of the phase out and ignore her? Or my ego is inclined to just text her and be like "your better at this than I thought...the classic phase out, nice work!"

[David87]

Being a gentleman is always the best choice.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I tried to be a lady then lost it and told him what for lol... never heard back but hope it hit him... if u are going to say something keep it mature, straight to the point and dont swear x

[Michelle ma Belle]

I understand the need to get closure on things even if it's just you having one last say. What you have to realize is that whatever you say is going to be more for you than it will be for her.

 

If you feel like you need to say something, go ahead but I would absolutely keep it classy and say something like, "I'm sorry things didn't work out like I had hope but I wish you the best"...whatever...I'm sure you know what I mean.

 

Choose your words carefully and ALWAYS remain a gentleman no matter what.

 

Good luck!

[Mrin]

Riding the wave of the phase out is unfun and pointless as each possible hint of contact brings you back to the start of the phase out. But no need to be a jerk about it. I'd just do what Michelle suggested, wait a couple of days and then go out on the prowl. Heh!

[firsttracks]

Thanks. I think I'll just not respond to her last text. If she contacts me I'll consider responding but who knows. Maybe she's just busy but from my perspective and just a gut feeling, it was over the last time we saw each other.

 

Trying to remain a gentleman. Just bitter because we had a connection and everything I did was kind and gentlemanly and she ran the other way. Not saying being a jerk like the previous guys would've landed her but we would've had some additional fun at least.

 

Ladies, do you feel more attached after sex? Like I feel like I should've slept with her so we had that intimate connection, not just to orgasm. I mean we did have an intimate connection, lots of cuddling, messing around, and sleepovers holding each other and talking all night. And then just nothing. That's why I'm bitter, I find something and then it turns to ****.

[jothebo41]

Dude even though the gentlemen thing is always recomended. If she really does do the phase out she is not being nice - especially after intimacy that didn't take the form of a hook-up. A date or two? Yeah whatever

 

You shouldn't but it will be funny and/or make you feel better if you call her out and say something super mean, at least in my experience lol. Because phasing out is mean. How hard is it to say "I'm sorry, I don't see this advancing" through a text? Say something mean, but definitely wait a week.

[J21]

You've already begun your side of phasing out by not having replied to her last text. Replying will start the process all over and make u seem still interested. There's no need for a formal closure or anything. It was a winter fling.

 

Also, you seem really hung up that you didn't plow her when you had the chance. Let it go man, not plowing her because she wanted to wait was a gentleman move on your part.

 

She told you from the beginning she wasn't looking for a boyfriend. It wasn't an accident the topic was avoided multiple times. Winter blues can bring loneliness, and sometimes we just want a little temporary company.

 

It doesn't do you any good thinking, and re-thinking about something she never wanted. Chalk it up as something that wasn't meant to be, and carry on.

 

Honestly, if you texted her "your better at this than I thought...the classic phase out, nice work!" it makes you seem bitter and petty. Being all passive aggressive to someone thats not interest isn't gonna score you any points or win her over.

Edited April 4, 2014 by J21

[slizl]

"Being aggressive and getting shot down six times" is not being a gentleman. Just go no contact.

[MidwestUSA]

"Being aggressive and getting shot down six times" is not being a gentleman. Just go no contact.

 

Exactly. 'In her pants plenty of times', but no sex. What does that even mean? Was she being a tease or were you forcing the issue?

[clia]

I'm getting the phase out from a girl I've been seeing for 2 mos. It's clearly because she claimed she wanted a nice guy and was past dating jerks but clearly that's what she wants and those are the guys who get in her pants. I've been in her pants plenty of times but we never had sex because she wanted to wait. I was aggressive about it but after getting shot down like 6 times and developing feelings (heaven forbid) I saw long term potential and realized sex will come. She wanted it one night wasted but I was a disaster and didn't do it. Ever since then she's minimized everything. She's not initiating texts, plans, or phone calls, she barely responds to mine so I basically stopped.

 

This doesn't sound very gentlemanly to me.

 

I mean...let's read between the lines. You get aggressive and push her for sex at least six times. She shoots you down because she's not ready. Then finally she is ready to have sex and you were a disaster and didn't have sex with her. Right after that happened she started the fade. This has nothing to do with her wanting jerks and likely everything to do with you being a "disaster" on the night she was ready to have sex with you.

[Kamila]

I have to agree with Clia !

 

You were aggressive with her, 6 times. Then when she was ready, you didn't go there with her. That made her feel guilty for making you wait till she was ready. And she got hurt.

 

Come on, a true gentleman never pushes a girl/woman for sex. And 2 months isn't a long time. Some people need more time before jumping into bed. If she wanted to wait, you had to respect that decision. Maybe you didn't want to have sex with her, because you started to care for her ? You wanted to also wait ?

 

The only thing you can do now, is just do nothing. Maybe a little 'sorry, things didn't work out...' text.

[firsttracks]

No the night she wanted to have sex she was absolutely hammered and I was a little bit drunk. We went out and had a couple beers and she capped it off with two shots for her self. I saw relationship potential and didn't want to take advantage of her being hammered. I was a disaster in the sense, I too had been drinking, had a rough night before and got no sleep dealing with another issue and couldn't eat all day because I was so stressed out. I was trying to be decent but also realize I couldn't perform to what I want to for a first impression.

 

Ok so I ignored her text for a couple days and today she texts me this

Her: "Well we should try and meet up soon and have a beer or something. I found that part that goes to your thermos bottle."

Me: "Yeah for sure, let's plan on it."

Her: Are you being sarcastic or for real?

Me: "Lol, I totally want to hang out with you soon."

Me : "You free tomorrow evening? I owe you a car bomb for drinking the rest of your booze."

Her: "Can't tomorrow. I'll have to get back to you about when."

Me: Called her a few hours later to just say what's up since it's been a bit. She didn't answer.

Me: "Just called to say what's up, yeah I guess just hit me up when your free and we'll try to figure something out."

 

Right after that I text the other girl I'm dating and asked if she wants to grab a drink on Sat evening.

 

So, did I mess that up? Gut feeling is she's checking to see if I'm still in her back pocket and clearly I am. Bull****. I was hoping she'd jump on getting together tomorrow since she seemed so interested in making plans. Should I just move on and be done with this or is this residual worth pursuing and nailing after a few drinks when we get together? Sadly, she's only responsive when she knows she's losing me. I'm a good guy and she doesn't want to lose that but is either dating people or has so many issues she's scared to get involved. We click. It's not some bull**** hooking up thing, we got a connection and she's got self esteem issues, she met some good dude and bounced because all she knows is dude's who are players how sleep with her and run.

Me: "

[Mo_Do]

Don't date girls that are obviously confused from the start. It's supposed to happen easily and not take the work you're putting in.

 

Walk away and date someone else

[ChatroomHero]

 

Ok so I ignored her text for a couple days and today she texts me this

Her: "Well we should try and meet up soon and have a beer or something. I found that part that goes to your thermos bottle."

 

 

 

If she is dicking you around and you want a passive aggressive out, just text her later and ask if she can drop the thermos part in the mail when she gets a chance. Then go no contact.

[Phantom888]

No contact. As if she never existed. Delete all texts, pictures etc.

 

Next time, a red flag is when a girl who used to sleep with others early on but refuse to sleep with you. There is something strange there.

[JourneyLady]

I have to agree with Clia !

 

You were aggressive with her, 6 times. Then when she was ready, you didn't go there with her. That made her feel guilty for making you wait till she was ready. And she got hurt.

 

Come on, a true gentleman never pushes a girl/woman for sex. And 2 months isn't a long time. Some people need more time before jumping into bed. If she wanted to wait, you had to respect that decision. Maybe you didn't want to have sex with her, because you started to care for her ? You wanted to also wait ?

 

The only thing you can do now, is just do nothing. Maybe a little 'sorry, things didn't work out...' text.

 

And something for you guys to think about. If you keep pushing the TOPIC of sex, it's still pushing sex if you are always bringing it up... This "ooohhh I love the way you _____, it gets me so turned on" is being pushy even if you haven't actually had sex (or met in person) yet. You're pushing the topic on her and oftentimes, even if I am willing to discuss certain aspects it doesn't mean I want that as the only topic of conversation. Oftentimes my date does only seem to want to talk about that. sigh...

[JourneyLady]

No contact. As if she never existed. Delete all texts, pictures etc.

 

Next time, a red flag is when a girl who used to sleep with others early on but refuse to sleep with you. There is something strange there.

 

That's not a red flag. That's someone who's been hurt by guys who just wanted sex with her and not a relationship. She's learned to hold out longer because she got used.

 

I know, because it fits me to a tee. I won't until I have checked him out long enough in all kinds of ways (Does he push the topic? Does he care about my hobbies and my history? Is he honest with me?) to feel that I can trust him with my intimacy. You can't know that in less than 24 hours spent together and/or without a lot of research.

[JourneyLady]

It's also possible that she thinks you couldn't perform because you weren't attracted to her after all. I was with a guy who had a similar reaction (but wasn't drunk) where he just couldn't. I told him not to feel bad about it and was as kind as I could be (VERY short LDR). I went back home and he started giving me messages about "slowing down" and didn't want to skype face to face anymore - things like that. I broke it off because I felt he'd had a change of mind after coming on so strong.

 

The whole thing was a freaking mess... She could think there's something wrong with her that only users want her and the nice guys aren't attracted.

[firsttracks]

Well I'm not sure what to do at this point. I still really like this girl. She blew me off for a few days and text me today sounding like she thought I was done. I was clear that I wanted to see her. She complained about her previous boyfriend not even calling her once. She's said we've talked about way more in 2 months than they ever did in four years and she can be open with me. Yet, I called her and she didn't answer. Before that she text me, I text back, she text back thinking I was being sarcastic, I text back saying I'm not and trying to get together and it took her two hours to say she can't get together. Then I called like I do here and there to try see how she's doing and she didn't answer or text back.

 

Not sure what else I can do here other than go into creeper mode. Not going to do that. Reasonably I can't really do much other than play by her rules. Everything, every hangout seems to always happen on her terms. She'll roll over here and there when I make suggestions but the only way this has worked is for me to go about my life and if she gets ahold of me and wants to get together then great but if not and I reach out it's a disaster.

 

I've clearly shown her I'm interested. Not even the drunk thing that one night. We got wasted our 2nd date and went to a superbowl party my friend had. She had fun but wanted to leave. We ended up in my bed naked ontop of her and I remember saying "I'm trying everything I can to not have sex with you right now." I didn't, I held off because I knew she wasn't ready.

 

She's got issues but they are starting to mess with my self esteem. I find myself not only questioning this relationship but also my credibility. I'm a gentleman and I feel like I'm questioning that wondering a.) if it's even worth it and b.) if I'm really as gentlemanly as I think or I'm just dillusional and a pussy snake in the grass.

[SJC2008]

Hit her walls already or are pretty close to doing so is why she's pulling away. When you stopped contacting her and she came back means she's a chaser in my book. You'll always have to keep her at arms length or she'll ghost. Date someone who likes you and can't wait to spend time with you!

[firsttracks]

Ok, now I'm totally confused. Or not at all. I went snowboarding with a buddy this morning and he wanted to stop at the bar she works at (he's a regular there). So, I text her asking if she's working she she never text back. We just stopped out and she was working. She ignored me most of the time and made small talk with my buddy who is a regular. Not sure if she was self conscious among her other regular customers but she didn't pay too much attention to me. I asked her how she was doing and she was short and didn't seem to care much about me. She avoided me basically then entire time. We had like 4 drinks at the bar and I was being assertive about my buddy not drinking too much...showing dominance I guess. I still got the feeling she was weird about me being there. She didn't say hi or goodbye and was kind of ignoring me the entire time. I at that point was like like this is BS I'm going to make it obvious we know each other so I asked about her pregnant friend and how school was going. She said she's seeing one of her friends tonight. We had a few drinks, she cut my friend off because he was wasted. I was buying him drinks. Then we just left after like an hour and she didn't even say goodbye. It was messed up. I asked what she's doing later and she said her friend and her have plans and her other friend is about to pop with a baby so she's busy. I then asked what she's been up to and she claimed busy with school.

 

Do I even text her at this point or just be done?

 

At this point I want to text her and be like "Hey sorry for dropping by and making it awkward for you it was good to see you, get together soon." Is that a mistake? Or should I be like "Hey sorry my buddy was out of control, it was good to see you see you soon." My buddy is not a legit source for info but he said he knows another bartender who works with her and said she's seeing someone. I assumed that was me because at the time she was spending all her her free time with me. Then he said dude was taking steroids. She was dating some guy last summer so that could be what he was talking about. I don't really know. She told me about that last dude she dated and claimed she hasn't been with anyone since.

 

So what do I take from this? I'm wondering because I'm about to text her and be like "hey sorry didn't mean to stop in your bar and make it awkward lets just return our stuff to each other and be done." Yet, I text her asking if we could stop out at her bar, she didn't respond so I was thinking she wasn't working and then she was working and she straight was distant and ignored me. Is she being embarrassed or was she just distant because I'm not nearly even on her radar?

 

Either way I'm emotional as hell right now and thinking stupid thoughts. I thought this girl was busy with school as she claimed but now I'm not sure. I'm frustrated as hell and sadly chalking this up to another lying woman I know who can't tell the truth for the life of her and is willing to sleep with any grungy douche bag but make a decent guy like me wait for two months and then lie and blow him off. I hope I'm wrong but my gut is telling me different.

 

I'm so so so in a bad spot right now. I'm just saying I'm a sweetheart and I keep meeting girls like this and it's basically skewed my perspective to the point where I can't have a serious relationship with anybody. I've paid for so many mistakes other girls have made and paid for the consequences it's messed up my mind to the point where I trust nobody.

[J21]

Ok, now I'm totally confused. Or not at all. I went snowboarding with a buddy this morning and he wanted to stop at the bar she works at (he's a regular there). So, I text her asking if she's working she she never text back. We just stopped out and she was working. She ignored me most of the time and made small talk with my buddy who is a regular. Not sure if she was self conscious among her other regular customers but she didn't pay too much attention to me. I asked her how she was doing and she was short and didn't seem to care much about me. She avoided me basically then entire time. We had like 4 drinks at the bar and I was being assertive about my buddy not drinking too much...showing dominance I guess. I still got the feeling she was weird about me being there. She didn't say hi or goodbye and was kind of ignoring me the entire time. I at that point was like like this is BS I'm going to make it obvious we know each other so I asked about her pregnant friend and how school was going. She said she's seeing one of her friends tonight. We had a few drinks, she cut my friend off because he was wasted. I was buying him drinks. Then we just left after like an hour and she didn't even say goodbye. It was messed up. I asked what she's doing later and she said her friend and her have plans and her other friend is about to pop with a baby so she's busy. I then asked what she's been up to and she claimed busy with school.

 

Do I even text her at this point or just be done?

 

At this point I want to text her and be like "Hey sorry for dropping by and making it awkward for you it was good to see you, get together soon." Is that a mistake? Or should I be like "Hey sorry my buddy was out of control, it was good to see you see you soon." My buddy is not a legit source for info but he said he knows another bartender who works with her and said she's seeing someone. I assumed that was me because at the time she was spending all her her free time with me. Then he said dude was taking steroids. She was dating some guy last summer so that could be what he was talking about. I don't really know. She told me about that last dude she dated and claimed she hasn't been with anyone since.

 

So what do I take from this? I'm wondering because I'm about to text her and be like "hey sorry didn't mean to stop in your bar and make it awkward lets just return our stuff to each other and be done." Yet, I text her asking if we could stop out at her bar, she didn't respond so I was thinking she wasn't working and then she was working and she straight was distant and ignored me. Is she being embarrassed or was she just distant because I'm not nearly even on her radar?

 

Either way I'm emotional as hell right now and thinking stupid thoughts. I thought this girl was busy with school as she claimed but now I'm not sure. I'm frustrated as hell and sadly chalking this up to another lying woman I know who can't tell the truth for the life of her and is willing to sleep with any grungy douche bag but make a decent guy like me wait for two months and then lie and blow him off. I hope I'm wrong but my gut is telling me different.

 

I'm so so so in a bad spot right now. I'm just saying I'm a sweetheart and I keep meeting girls like this and it's basically skewed my perspective to the point where I can't have a serious relationship with anybody. I've paid for so many mistakes other girls have made and paid for the consequences it's messed up my mind to the point where I trust nobody.

You are absolutely correct in that you're a emotional mess right now. She has given you NO indication she is interest. Please see how many times she told you this. I've underlined and bolded it for you above.

 

She ignores you, doesn't call, doesn't text, doesn't say hi or bye, basically doesn't acknowledge your existence when you see her. A reasonable person would translate that to "she is not interested". But no, you take it upon yourself to keep trying to get her to talk to you hoping she will be like "ok i like him now". She'll see how hard you are trying and eventually say: "yes, I've missed you so long, thank you for not giving up on me. Please, let's go back to how things were".

 

After her not responding to your texts, ignoring you, telling you she's busy, ignoring the crap out of you some more, you are somehow still rationalizing that there is still a way to salvage this. You keep posting additional details hoping that others will feel the same or give you some other conclusion. But it's already over. It's BEEN over for a while now. She's already moved on and you've been clinging onto nothing all this time.

 

And you're thinking about texting her? "Hey sorry for dropping by and making it awkward for you it was good to see you, get together soon." or "Hey sorry my buddy was out of control, it was good to see you see you soon."

 

What the hell do you have to be sorry about? She's the one that's not being responsive, basically telling you she's not interested and YOU'RE gonna apologize to her? Damn. You really think being apologetic will win her over? Go ahead, send that text. She'll ignore the hell out of you but at least you'll stop deluding yourself.

[firsttracks]

Took my bro's advice and text her this "hey, it was nice to see you earlier." Left it at that. No response but at least I was cordial. I still wanna be like "I get it, it's obvious." But I won't, I'm hanging on the cordial gentlemanly stuff and if it works it works if not I'm moving on.

[Kamila]

She's ignoring you because you pushed for sex early in the relationship. That is the reason for the phase out.

Edited April 6, 2014 by Kamila
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