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Why is asking to get back with someone seen as a sign of weakness?


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Posted

Why do so many people pimp the "move on," "no contact," etc thing after a breakup?

 

What, specifically, about begging someone to take you back is dehumanizing (to you) or whatever it is...???

Posted (edited)

Really? You don't think begging someone who doesn't want you to want you isn't sad?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 5
Posted

What alternative is there OP?

 

Why beg?

 

"Please reconsider baby!!!" = Please reevaluate your feeling so that you love me again.

 

You know how crazy that sounds?

 

Or "Baby, remember all the good times" = I'm gonna put you on a guilt trip

  • Like 4
Posted

What about begging is weak?

To ask indicates you won't understand. Is that because you have so low an opinion of yourself as not to recognise humiliation? If you have to beg, what kind of a relationship is that unless you enjoy grovelling?

Posted
Why do so many people pimp the "move on," "no contact," etc thing after a breakup?

 

What, specifically, about begging someone to take you back is dehumanizing (to you) or whatever it is...???

 

EVERYTHING, don't you have a backbone? Why beg someone to be with you?

 

Relationships don't work on begging and pleading.

 

And if you find yourself saying things like, “Please stay, I will do anything for you” then you may be suffering from ''the doormat syndrome''.

  • Like 1
Posted

Also, why would you want to be with someone you had to beg to love you? You'd always know they were only with you out of guilt and not because they actually want to be..and you'd probably end up getting dumped again anyway.

 

Begging, pleading, and stalking are all super creepy and unattractive.

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)

Of course it is dehumanizing to me

 

Someone does not want me again....

 

He probably hates me, is repulsive by me by now..

 

I have to respect myself and save the last shred of dignity I still have

 

Without him I can't live for some days ...But without my dignity and myself respect I can't live for eternity

 

So, I have to move on. I have to stop contacting that person. Even if it hurts me, even if it kills me; I have to do that.

Edited by Noproblem
  • Like 6
Posted

I've tried it before, i have no shame. But will probably in future when i look back.

 

I guess it is a sign of weakness because it means the person is not strong enough to pick themselves up and reinstate their confidence and say no to being treated like this. Why crawl back to someone who has discarded you? Walking away although so difficult, makes you look proud and strong.

  • Author
Posted

Well folks,

 

It's much to late to not ask her to take me back.

 

Uh oh... I did about 20 times.

 

Funny thing is, she doesn't ignore me. She does engage in conversations about the topic, and doesn't tell me "yes" or "no"

 

Someone explained to me that she is flattered by the attention.

 

So now, there isn't a way to seem strong, or independent. I'm not sure what is left to say.

Posted
Well folks,

 

It's much to late to not ask her to take me back.

 

Uh oh... I did about 20 times.

 

Funny thing is, she doesn't ignore me. She does engage in conversations about the topic, and doesn't tell me "yes" or "no"

 

Someone explained to me that she is flattered by the attention.

 

So now, there isn't a way to seem strong, or independent. I'm not sure what is left to say.

 

You're stroking her ego and actually making it easier for her to move on; you need to think of it like that. You're getting absolutely nothing from those conversations and she's getting a lot.

 

For your own sake you need to just initiate NC and stick to it, with the aim of moving on and feeling happier in time. If she comes back as a result of NC (which is guaranteed), then you can weigh out your options then.

Posted

Generally speaking, wanting is nearly always a weaker bargaining position than having what is wanted.

 

Wanting isn't necessarily the arbiter of weakness, rather a weaker position in a particular interaction, particularly so if one has nothing the other person wants.

 

I most often experienced this weakness in myself in interactions where the other person 'let me love them'. Notice the lack of equity. That's weakness.

 

Relationships are risks. Generally, there's always one person in a superior bargaining position at any one time, but time is constantly moving and life is constantly changing. Good luck!

  • Like 1
Posted
Well folks,

 

It's much to late to not ask her to take me back.

 

Uh oh... I did about 20 times.

 

Funny thing is, she doesn't ignore me. She does engage in conversations about the topic, and doesn't tell me "yes" or "no"

 

Someone explained to me that she is flattered by the attention.

 

So now, there isn't a way to seem strong, or independent. I'm not sure what is left to say.

 

She flattered by someone begging and groveling for her because it boosts her ego and allows her to have a crutch just incase she needs you as a backup.

 

What's left to say? Nothing. What's left to do? Get a hold of your self-esteem and dignity as a man and move on. There's nothing more unattractive to a woman than a doormat.

Posted
You're stroking her ego and actually making it easier for her to move on; you need to think of it like that. You're getting absolutely nothing from those conversations and she's getting a lot.

 

For your own sake you need to just initiate NC and stick to it, with the aim of moving on and feeling happier in time. If she comes back as a result of NC (which is guaranteed), then you can weigh out your options then.

 

It is not guaranteed that she is magically come back becsuse of no contact. Who told you that?

Posted

So far, relevant to NC, in dozens of dating experiences and every relationship and my marriage, no woman has ever 'come back' because of NC. Why? Unknown but I can surmise, based on bargaining theory, that I had nothing they wanted.

 

Recent evidence of this existed when exW called me up, after not hearing from her for a couple of years, *wanting* some financial advice. I was merely a portal being queried, but there was no want for me personally. That's how NC typically works in my life experience. YMMV.

Posted
It is not guaranteed that she is magically come back becsuse of no contact. Who told you that?

 

Woops, major typo! I meant not guaranteed, will edit it now!!!

 

Thanks for the heads up.

 

Seems, I can't edit it because it's not the last post, but anyhow what I mean't is it's not guaranteed.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for insight; at least I know WHAT I need to do (stop contacting her).

 

To be honest, though, I'll still hope she'd reach out to me sometime in the future, but at the same time really know that it won't happen.

 

I was the one who broke off the relationship. It had turned into misery; I felt like a piece of furniture. Then she got picky as hell about my habits and lifestyle, making little snide remarks ad nauseum.

 

And she thought because she made more money than me that she was an authority on everything in life. And she comes from a family culture where the men literally "sit there" like statues and contribute nothing, while the women sit in thrones.

 

And then, she has no interest in a two-way sexual relationship. And she is not forgiving. She also never would admit she was wrong or apologize about anything. She had no self awareness. And she really never showed an interest in my life.

 

And she broadcast my personal flaws to her social circle and tried to have them meet me and tell me how to treat a lady... WTF?

 

All of this drove me to anger, which she turned around and harped on every day. She treated me like I was a terrible person.

 

And yet, I thought I was in love and still liked coming home to her, and she made me smile, and I was never bored with her or, like, dissatisfied.

 

 

 

In retrospect, considering my lonely feeling now, I question whether she was better than nothing.

Posted
Why do so many people pimp the "move on," "no contact," etc thing after a breakup?

 

What, specifically, about begging someone to take you back is dehumanizing (to you) or whatever it is...???

 

How pathetic do you think you look if you have to beg someone to be with you?

 

Relationships are built on attraction. "Begging" is not attractive. It makes you look needy, unfulfilled, lacking in self-esteem, and these are all qualities that are unattractive in a mate. Particularly when exhibited by a man.

  • Author
Posted

So, I've begun the "NC" thing since last Wednesday.

 

I'm going to do it indefinitely. Unfortunately, I have some clothing, television, and artwork at her house, and I'll have to get them eventually. But that will mess with the "NC" thing, so maybe I'll wait.

 

I'm hoping that by virtue of pouring my heart out daily for two weeks, and then ceasing it, that after a while she will question her value, and be in search of emotional reinforcement, and be forced to contact me.

 

I am going to see how long I can pull off the "no contact" thing. I don't really know what this will accomplish.

Posted

It looks like she needs a tough strong man to put her in her place if she is treating you like that. You aren't strong enough currently to be with her so that's why she is acting like that. And never let what she does anger you, dude. Remain centered and calm. That's the way of a man. You failed that one.

 

Stick to NC and start moving on. That's your only power play. If she contacts you and wants to get back together, then you'll be in a good position to make that choice.

Posted

I'm a loner and when I dated a girl for the first time in 8 years I found her fake affection to be absolutely intoxicating. She would text me good morning every day, said she missed me, and so on.

 

I wasn't used to having someone actually care about me. It was a euphoric feeling that was nothing like the drudgery my life normally was.

 

Then one day she broke it off via text. I'm normally a pretty logical person, but it was too late. I was experiencing a withdraw that I would surmise is almost exactly like withdraw from a powerful drug. I felt so incredibly empty and my body literally ached.

 

I contacted her a few times, and if that wasn't desperate and creepy enough, I mailed her a letter.

 

At the time I did this I was only thinking of the incredible pain I was in. I wasn't thinking of how I would be humiliating myself, I wasn't thinking about how I would be boosting her ego, and I wasn't thinking about all her friends having an enormous laugh at my expense.

 

I try not to have many regrets, but that is the one thing I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for.

Posted

well, sometimes its rough to not beg and fight for the sake of the relationship and him/her. Especially when the dumpee gets dumped out of nowhere and suddenly attends the need to fix or do what it takes. Imo, i think it's acceptable for the first time someone begs and etc, any more afterwards when given the final verdict is too excessive.

Posted

Begging part does that even have to explained to a intelligent self respectful dignified being ?

Posted
You're stroking her ego and actually making it easier for her to move on; you need to think of it like that. You're getting absolutely nothing from those conversations and she's getting a lot.

 

For your own sake you need to just initiate NC and stick to it, with the aim of moving on and feeling happier in time. If she comes back as a result of NC (which is guaranteed), then you can weigh out your options then.

 

If she comes back as a result of NC (which is guaranteed), then you can weigh out your options then.

 

NC is not a guarantee, i wish it was :)

Posted
So, I've begun the "NC" thing since last Wednesday.

 

I'm going to do it indefinitely. Unfortunately, I have some clothing, television, and artwork at her house, and I'll have to get them eventually. But that will mess with the "NC" thing, so maybe I'll wait.

 

I'm hoping that by virtue of pouring my heart out daily for two weeks, and then ceasing it, that after a while she will question her value, and be in search of emotional reinforcement, and be forced to contact me.

 

I am going to see how long I can pull off the "no contact" thing. I don't really know what this will accomplish.

 

Maybe getting your sense of self respect back?

  • Like 1
Posted
So, I've begun the "NC" thing since last Wednesday.

 

I'm going to do it indefinitely. Unfortunately, I have some clothing, television, and artwork at her house, and I'll have to get them eventually. But that will mess with the "NC" thing, so maybe I'll wait.

 

I'm hoping that by virtue of pouring my heart out daily for two weeks, and then ceasing it, that after a while she will question her value, and be in search of emotional reinforcement, and be forced to contact me.

 

I am going to see how long I can pull off the "no contact" thing. I don't really know what this will accomplish.

 

You don't even sound like you like her..why do you want to be with her? Why don't you find someone new instead if you're lonely?

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